“Did I Just Transubstantiate That Out Loud?”

(Note: Go read Leviticus 19, better known as “The Thirty-Seven Commandments.” It’s very entertaining, especially the naughty bits.)

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Moses: “Next on the list, Lord, Rule Twenty: Should a man be punished for having sex with female slaves?”

God: “Dude! Please! This is going in the Bible! I mean, kids are gonna read this thing!”

Moses: “Trust me, not this part they won’t. And yet, the people desperately need your guidance in such matters, Lord.”

God: “That is so true, Moses. Then I guess it all depends.”

Moses: “On what, Lord?”

God: “Has she been freed or ransomed? Has she been promised to another man? Does the carpet match the drapes?”

Moses: “Does the…?”

God: “Forget that last part.”

Moses: “Gladly. Now, for the sake of argument, let’s say she’s both promised and freed.”

God: “Hmmm. Let’s see… I decree that they both must be stoned to death. Both the fucker and the fuckee.”

Moses: “No offense, Oh Magnificent One, but that’s generally your answer for everything.”

God: “True, but you monkees simply can’t be allowed to have sex anytime you want. That’s just gross! I know I said be fruitful and shit but there’s got to be an arbitrary limit.”

Moses: “Despondently noted, sir. Now, what if she is, as you say, ‘promised to another man’ yet still a slave? What then?”

God: “Picture this: Imagine buying your neighbor a new ox-cart for Christmas, but first wiping your balls all over it.”

Moses: “Very colorful, Sire. Does this mean no punishment?”

God: “Are you kidding? This will cost you BIG time, dude. At least a ram.”

Moses: “A ram? As in…?”

God: “You know. Big wooly thing. Horns on head. Goes bah-bah-bah.”

Moses: “Oh. That kind of ram. Certainly. Should it be sacrificed to you, Lord? I know how much you revel in your little ceremonies.”

God: “I do? No, I don’t! Who said that? This is a… it’s a… an offering. A guilt offering. Yeah, that’s the ticket! A guilt offering to the Lord, and it should be brought to the, uh… the Tent of Meeting.”

Moses: “…….”

God: “What?”

Moses: “You’re just making this up as you go along.”

God: “I know. I’m awesome, aren’t I?”

Moses: “As you say, Lord.”

God: “And the ram should be given to the tent priest.”

Moses: “For the purpose of…?”

God: “Beats me. Use your imagination.”

Moses: “I’d rather not. Okay, final question: What if she is your very own slave? What then?”

God: “Then do whatever you like. As long as you keep her fed and clothed the skies the limit. So sayeth me.”

Moses: “Good. We’re done with this one. Now just sign here. Here. And… here.”

God: “Okay, what’s next on the list?”

Moses: “Ummmm… it looks like… sleeping with male slaves.”

God: “Sorry, I don’t do the weird stuff.”