Answer Me JesusTM June 4, 2007

Answer Me JesusTM

By Guest Contributor
June 4, 2007

I have an addition to my birthday wishlist:

AnswerJesus

Here’s all you need to know about this toy. The slogan they’re using to promote it is:

Wiser than an ordinary magic 8 ball!

And since a magic 8-ball is as wise as… um… crap-on-a-stick, Jesus must be infinitely wiser.

You do the math.

Wait, it gets better.

Jesus offers 20 different answers to help you choose the righteous path. Ask a question and turn him over the answer you seek magically appears. Your personal Jesus will respond with wisdom such as “Have faith”, “Yes my child”, or “Sinner”.

I can see it now…

“Jesus, my mom is really sick. What should I do?”

“Sinner.”

Thanks, Jesus!

So, to summarize, here’s the current list of things that I want:

(via Bay of Fundie)


[tags]atheist, atheism, magic 8-ball, Jesus, Evolution vs. Intelligent Design, Answer Me Jesus[/tags]

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  • Am I the only one totally depressed that the phrase “Answer me, Jesus” is a registered trademark?

  • Richard Wade

    “Answer me, Jesus” probably won’t do as well in the stores as “Tickle me Elmo.” I wonder if the figurine is the same scale as “Born again Barbie.” Kids could have a whole action figure modern passion play goin’ on. That bubble gum pink is nauseating.

    Obviously this is mainly appealing to the blessed irreverent, but the creepy part to consider is the one in, say 100 who will buy this because of feelings of devotion and wanting to communicate with Jesus.
    oooo-EEEEEEE-oooo! (creepy looney sound effect)

  • Maria

    Who made this ridiculous product out?

  • Einmaliger

    I can see it now…

    “Jesus, my mom is really sick. What should I do?”

    “Sinner.”

    To a “Christian” this answer absolutely makes sense. It probably means that the mother is sick because the asker has sinned. Or she has sinned. Or someone else. Or it refers to a doctor she wants to go to and shouldn’t because he’s a sinner. Maybe the asker just has to wait a few day or weeks until he comes to understand the wisdom and beauty of that warning. Or whatever it is.

    Jesus ALWAYS gives clear and accurate answers!

  • Lee

    Ooh, and it’s pink! Does he come in other colors? If so, I want a green one… so Jesus looks like he’s about to puke…

  • Rather stupid PR. I don’t think that it’s likely to hasten the day that an atheist will be elected president.

    And why bubblegum pink?

  • HappyNat

    Rather stupid PR. I don’t think that it’s likely to hasten the day that an atheist will be elected president.

    I would hope the point of a flaming pink jesus magic 8 ball is not to hasten the day an atheist will be elected.

  • I would hope the point of a flaming pink jesus magic 8 ball is not to hasten the day an atheist will be elected.

    Clearly it represents some other aspiration but, as Peter Hitchens proved yesterday, anything like this can turn into an issue for a minority group behind the 8 ball. It’s probably not going to blow up into something serious but it’s not going to be worth the chance if it does.

  • Peter Hitchens IS a minority group behind the 8 ball, just ask him. What a princess.

    I Soooo want an Ask Jesus Magic 8 Ball, but for now I will have to make do with this Pedophile Jesus light switch:
    http://raincoaster.com/2007/03/05/switched-on-jesus/

  • Jen

    This has to be the best religious piece of crap since I saw a red velvet Jesus bank on some tv show where they had a garage sale. They got $11 because it was so awesome.

    But this is much, much better.

  • “Answer me, Jesus” probably won’t do as well in the stores as “Tickle me Elmo.”

    It would if after you asked Jesus for something he doubled over with laughter and hit the floor.

  • Richard Wade

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Siamang, wherever you go you crack me up!!

  • stogoe

    Mockery of stupid things and stupid people is its own reward.

  • I got one of these as a gift for Valentine’s Day 2006. Ever since, I’ve gotten a 100% response rate from Jesus.

  • Mriana

    Oh good god! 🙄 Now how much stupider can the products get? Seems like a waste of money to me.

  • How big is it? Is it made of silicone?

    Jus askin’…

  • Richard Wade

    The website says it’s over 11 inches tall and 4 inches wide. I’ts probably made of some kind of tough plastic like the 8-ball.

    You know, I just realized without the beard he’d look like a Kuan Yin with heartburn. It makes you think doesn’t it?

  • Donna

    They have an Answer me Buddha too: http://www.answermejesus.com/buddha.asp

  • Richard Wade

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh, where was that when I needed it all those years in the zendo?

  • Richard Wade

    Okay okay, we have to put together an Answer me Atheist. A figure of a guy in a lab coat with a clip board and a pencil behind one ear. The answers could include: (add more if you like)

    I don’t have all the answers, you know.

    Figure it out for yourself.

    Show me.

    Latest reasearch points to maybe.

    Prove it.

    Need more data.

    Well, duh!

    Look it up on Wikipedia.

  • Richard Wade

    Here’s a few more:

    Not falsifiable.

    Not verifiable.

    Causeless cause doesn’t mean squat.

    Quantum doesn’t have anything to do with it.

    You really should see a specialist about that.

    And the one that should come up the most:

    NO dumbass! How many times do I have to tell you, atheism is NOT a religion!

  • “Jesus, my mom is really sick. What should I do?”

    “Sinner.”

    To a “Christian” this answer absolutely makes sense. It probably means that the mother is sick because the asker has sinned. Or she has sinned. Or someone else. Or it refers to a doctor she wants to go to and shouldn’t because he’s a sinner. Maybe the asker just has to wait a few day or weeks until he comes to understand the wisdom and beauty of that warning.

    Well, actually the response wouldn’t make sense to a Christian. In response to:

    His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

    Jesus said:

    “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,”

    and went on to explain that sickness isn’t a punishment from God, but an opportunity to trust God.

    A lot of those responses are very non-Jesus.

    Paul

  • Mriana

    NO dumbass! How many times do I have to tell you, atheism is NOT a religion!

    😆 That’s funny.

    You know, the Answer Me Jesus does have one thing going for it, besides making the makers rich and the gullible poor…

    It’s pink.

  • Mriana

    So, to summarize, here’s the current list of things that I want:

    The Evolution vs. Intelligent Design board game
    A nun
    The Inheritance board game
    Answer Me Jesus
    Your mom

    Trust me, Hemant, you don’t want my mom. She’s a 62 y.o. fiery redhead from Fundie World who will drive you insane. Ah, but I still love her, even if she is Fundamentally crazy.

  • I have fundie friends who gave me this for xmas last year. It’s so fun!

  • JimboB

    According to their website, this product has been discontinued… was it a lack of sales, or did somebody get offended?

    Also, does this mean that ‘Answer Me Jesus’ is a collector’s item now?

  • HEY WAITAGODDAM MINUTE!

    How does Jesus offer 20 different answers on an 8-sided die? IT’S A MIRACLE!

  • Mr Data

    To emmiligar:

    “Or that sinful doctor had done some sin which will negativly influence any positive healing process he does to that Mom which may either 1 cancel it out or 2 make Mom’s condition worse later”

    Actually to those who don’t have silence from God should pray after each reading to find a deeper answer and it will come like a light bulb in your head with a still small voice/feeling/intuition/whatever. :p

    The world is not all black and white to all you Atheists and mainstream christains who don’t believe in the law of attraction.

  • Mr Data

    I meant to say:

    To those who do have the silent treatment from God.

    God may be slient because it up there dosen’t know what to say and being a good being doesn’t want to add more fuel to the fire.

    You want a fireman to spray the flames with a hose not with a gas can.

  • Mr Data

    Right now I seem to attract other demons from far away so I have LOTS of negative influence like moths to light. 🙁

    If I healed it would kill the person giving me theopposite of what I want.

  • Bryen

    Oh now have a sense of Humor…. I have two things to say I love it and where can I get one.

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