Alaska Pastor: God Needs You to Get a Haircut, But Not If You’re a Woman

Unsure about what to do with your hair now that it’s grown unruly after six or seven weeks inside? Tad Lindley to the rescue! The Alaskan pastor, who ministers at the United Pentecostal Church in Bethel, spells it out in the simplest way he can:

Men’s hair: got to cut it. … Women’s hair: can’t cut it.

In case you thought the Bible’s 40 authors stuffed all the craziness into the Old Testament, Lindley, quoting exclusively from 1 Corinthians, will set you straight.

The Bible actually teaches us that men should not have long hair. … Here it is: Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame for him? (I Corinthians 11:14)

Here is a translation in more modern English: Isn’t it obvious that it’s disgraceful for a man to have long hair?

Samson doesn’t count because he was under a “rare” and “peculiar” vow that made hair-cutting off limits, says Lindley. Christ himself, the pastor is certain, had short hair, despite what modern artists will have you believe.

What about Leviticus 19:27 — “Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard”? Sadly, Lindley doesn’t say.

The Almighty commands the ladies to treat their tresses the other way around, the pastor reminds us:

So many women honestly do not know that the Bible calls for them to have uncut hair. Here are the verses: But every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head — it is the same as having her head shaved. (I Corinthians 11:5). For if a woman does not cover her head, she might as well have her hair cut off; but if it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, then she should cover her head. (I Corinthians 11:6). But that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For long hair is given to her as a covering. (I Corinthians 11:15)

Just as it is a disgrace for a man to have long hair, it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut or shaved.

My favorite part is where Lindley clarifies that God doesn’t have a problem with females who are bald or shorthaired from chemotherapy — as long as they don’t cut their locks or shave their stubble. God must have whispered that tender-hearted exemption exclusively to Lindley (probably to show that He’s not as dickish as He might seem after giving the woman cancer in the first place). The word chemotherapy appears nowhere in the Good Book, and neither does cancer, so it’s nice to have the pastor relay what the Almighty thinks of that whole chemo thing.

No word yet on whether God will smite women who lose their hair as a results of hyperthyroidism, Hodgkin’s, Addison’s, hypopituitarism, ringworm, or celiac disease. I hope Lindley will fill us in after his next direct communication from the Lord.

(Image via Shutterstock)