Jesus Was a Selfish Asshole, Says Noted Bible Scholar Erick Erickson

Erick Erickson, the former editor-in-chief of conservative blog RedState and apparent Bible scholar, rocked the Twitter today with a brand new revelation about how everyone’s favorite Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, was a total jerk.

Though many think of Jesus as a do-gooder who went around feeding the poor and curing lepers, Erickson clearly believes this is a misconception. Probably started by some damn dirty Commies. Like nuns. The real Jesus, Erickson says, only thought we should take care of Christians who were poor. (Which is a little odd considering Jesus was Jewish, but let’s roll with it.)

Erickson seems to think Jesus was just a huge asshole who didn’t see the value in taking care of people who didn’t worship Him. He was all, “Hey! You want some fish? GOOD, THEN WASH MY FEET!” about things — like a Nazarene Donald Trump. That Jesus was totally fine watching people who didn’t worship him starve.

“Let them eat sand,” Jesus would say, for there was no cake to be had in the desert.

That, actually, was how He attained so many followers. Not because He had an especially pertinent message or anything, but because He could magically produce fishes and loaves and wine. People were so hungry, they went along with His whole “Worship me in exchange for food so you don’t die” thing.

This new interpretation of the Gospels also shines a new light on several other of Jesus’ well-known sayings. Like that one about how only those without sin ought to cast the first stone? What He was really saying was that He selfishly wanted all the stoning fun for himself.

When he said “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth,” He meant that they’d just get some dirt. Not even good dirt, probably, because to hell with those meek people. They’re worse than the non-Christian poor. (That’s somewhere in Luke, I assume.)

When He said it was harder for a rich man to get into Heaven than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, He was actually telling those terrible poor people to get to work building bigger needles so that camels might walk through them.

Also, Erickson’s Jesus was not fond of suckers who got themselves eaten by lions! He liked people who weren’t captured.

And while Jesus may have said “Love thy neighbor,” He sure as hell wasn’t fond of neighbors with better lawns than Himself. “Don’t they know who I freaking am?” said Jesus.

The real reason Jesus, the pettiest man who ever lived, had a beef with Judas was because Judas had a really beautiful singing voice and Jesus was very jealous. Jesus cries whenever you fast-forward through “Gethsemane” on your tape of Jesus Christ Superstar.

If only we were all more Christlike, no one would complain about cuts to programs like Meals on Wheels, because we’d be more concerned that some of those meals were going to people of a different religion.

Thanks to Erick Erickson, we know that Christianity was never about compassion, just selfishness. And Jesus was the One leading the charge.