JesOS™ (Operating System) September 9, 2007

JesOS™ (Operating System)

Forget Vista.

I want JesOS™:


How does it work?

All applications are integrated with a system-wide, context-sensitive spell checker and King James Bible dashboard widget. For example, if the user types terms such as “gay” or “LGBT,” the spell checker will automatically insert the verses from Leviticus and Romans on sodomy. In any text except direct quotations from the King James Bible, the spell checker will automatically correct all spellings to conform to U.S. orthography. “If American English is good enough for Jesus,” said [Pastor Isaac] Peters, “then it’s good enough for JesOS, and it’s more than good enough for you.”

You should know that certain programs do not come with JesOS™:

Anti-virus protection will not be included. Instead, taking a cue from the instructions in the Epistle of James on faith healing, technical support will be available to pray and hear confessions in order to cast out computer viruses.

You don’t get a “Recycle Bin” either:

No “Recycle Bin” will be available on JesOS™. This ensures that the user won’t inadvertently lend credence to the Catholic idea of “purgatory”, when a file is deleted, it is gone. Jesus sends those bytes straight to the fiery pits of Hell — no if’s, and’s or but’s about it! Besides, True Christians™ don’t have any need to recycle in the real world, so why should we recycle on the computer?

The included Auto-Caps plugin will save time for a lot of Fundamentalist Christians, like some who comment on this very site:

Whenever it is detected that you are sharing the tough love of Jesus with homosexuals on the interwebs, the auto caps function WILL AUTOMATICALLY TRIGGER, SO AS TO AVOID HAVING TO LISTEN TO ANY SO-CALLED COUNTER-ARGUMENTS. Also known as the “O’Reilly-Factor.”

And, of course, since the system is in sync with the Republican Party’s servers, certain emails will be “deleted or lost according to the White House’s orders.”

Order your copy today!

[tags]atheist, atheism, Landover Baptist Church, Pastor Deacon Fred[/tags]

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Darryl

    Hilarious! As Mark Twain demonstrated, simply pointing out the absurdities and silliness of things with good humor will do far more to discredit them than logical and formal critiques.

  • Betty Bowers is much, much funnier. You do know about Betty Bowers, don’t you?

  • Susan

    Sorry, I’m a devoted Macintoshian, and I pray to Steve Jobs five times a day. He told me JesOS was just another attempt by Satan Gates to turn people away from the true Operating System. Apple saves!

  • Never heard of Ubuntu Christian Edition? It even comes with a virtual rosary!

  • Apple saves!

    Apparently those who wait two months do.

  • Odd to see that JesOS™ is Catholic-incompatible. That’s a huge market there, and an expanding one, with their aversion to contraception. Then there’s all the hassle in producing and distributing all the various subversions: KJV, New International, Living Bible… what about a platform-agnostic version? 8)

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