I will never understand why some Christians get sex advice from people who preach abstinence and are still relatively young in their married lives since, at best, they’re very limited in what they know.
I also don’t understand why they’d get sex advice from older pastors whose idea of “kink” is missionary position with the lights on.
Whatever the case, someone just asked preacher John Piper if it was okay to role-play in the bedroom.
You won’t believe this: He’s not a fan.
“My husband likes to use role-playing in the bedroom, and various levels of bondage and dominance. He wants me to say things like ‘I am your slave.’ He wants me to wear certain collars around my neck. To the far extreme, he likes to fantasize that he is raping me,” said one unnamed listener.
“But he’s a very nice person outside of the bedroom. He only asks if he can play out the fantasy in bed. What should I do?”
Another anonymous listener explained that a counselor had told her and her husband that role-playing was “okay in the marriage bed with mutual consent.”
Piper, an author and chancellor of Bethlehem College & Seminary in Minneapolis, Minnesota, responded by stating that “fantasized sin is sin, no matter how many people agree on it.” He added that “playacted sin is sin,” citing Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:27–29 to justify this conclusion.
“If you need ever more kinky sex — ever more bizarre, unconventional sexual acts at the expense of your spouse’s enjoyment — you are elevating your appetite above his or her delights. That’s not the way of Christ,” Piper continued.
If fantasizing is forbidden, it explains a hell of a lot about the sort of people who take Piper seriously… Lots of repressed people in that guy’s circles.
The weird thing is that he’s not necessarily wrong about that last part! If you’re into certain kinks but your partner isn’t, that needs to be resolved! It should at least be discussed!
But Piper isn’t encouraging people to try new things with their partner or give their partner leeway to live out their fantasies. He’s saying kink is wrong — full stop — including when both partners are totally into it.
He said that explicitly during his response:
… If you mutually agree to play act a rape, it is sin.
If you mutually agree to pretend you are having sex in Times Square with a thousand people watching, it is sin.
If you mutually agree to pretend that you are two strangers who happened upon each other in the woods and have sex, you are sinning.
Fantasized sin is sin no matter how many people agree on it. Play acted sin is sin.
The problem here isn’t that Piper can’t handle non-traditional sex. It’s that he’s discouraging everyone from even fantasizing about it, as if there’s something blasphemous about that even if the goal was to pleasure your partner.
There’s something deeply disturbing about a preacher who wants to limit your sex life in all sorts of ways, then gets angry at the thought of someone trying to derive even more pleasure out of it — all within the confines of marriage.
It’s all very ironic coming from the same guy who once said sex dreams were themselves a sign from God. But given that Piper thinks it’s also a sin to watch adult videos with your partner, maybe we shouldn’t be that surprised.
Moral of the story: Don’t get sex advice from a guy who hates sex unless it meets every condition on his insane Christian checklist.