Pastor Checks-His-Phone Warns Atheists: Stop Dragging People to Hell! April 2, 2020

Pastor Checks-His-Phone Warns Atheists: Stop Dragging People to Hell!

Right-wing pastor Perry Stone may be best known to the internet for checking his phone while speaking on tongues or for allegedly speaking four languages at once… also in tongues. (Spoiler: He was speaking zero actual languages.)

But on Tuesday, he looked right at the camera and spoke a single language (Christianese) as he delivered a very stern message for all those atheists out there.

Have a look as I “do a blog” and make fun of him.

Mr. Atheist, you’re trying to convince people to be atheists. You know how many people you’re gonna take to Hell with you? I know it doesn’t bother you. I know, I know that you mock the existence of the place. Why don’t you go on the internet sometime and look at all these people who have died and come back from the dead? Who are revived? And see what they’ve got to say, about some saw heaven and some saw Hell.

Because you know what’s bad? And I feel this, I really feel it. You know, you can laugh at me, and I know you’ll do a blog tomorrow and make fun of me — you do that all the time. But let me tell you something. Here’s what’s really bad.

All those people you’re leading to Hell? You’ll go to Hell with them, and there’s gonna be weeping and gnashing of teeth, and they’re going to be looking at you for eternity, in a separated compartment, underneath this planet, and saying, “You got me here. You convinced me of this. You lied to me.”

And those voices will echo in your ear for eternity.

Well, well, well. He figured out our agenda. Game’s over, atheists. He knows about the proselytizing. He knows how we keep tallies of all those people we’ve successfully dragged to Hell.

Then again… he also thinks we don’t look at the internet enough (ha!), and he thinks we’ll be convinced by anecdotes about people who claim to have been to Heaven and back (weird, since that’s never worked before), and he admits our hearts are decent enough that we would feel bad about other people’s pain (true). So maybe he’s out of his depth here.

Speaking of which, did anyone else know we get separate compartments in Hell? I thought we lived in a cramped studio, but no! We get our own places! Sweet. So much better than a cloud.

Later in his sermon, he spoke about how the human eye disproves evolution — an idea so false, there have been multiple books written about it. But I doubt many atheists were watching at that point.

(Thanks to Kyle for the link)


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