I have to keep reminding myself that Christian blogger and professional mommy-shamer Lori Alexander (a.k.a. “The Transformed Wife”) is a real human being because her blog usually reads like a parody. She says all the things you would say if you were trying to mock the very idea of a Christian mommy who wants to tell you how to live your life.
She also makes videos, and in her latest one, she responds to the criticism she’s received for telling married women they should have sex with their husbands even if they don’t want to. Not in the mood? Too damn bad. Is that marital rape? Hahahahaha, absolutely not, she says.
Her explanation of all this, of course, doesn’t make her sound any more sensible.
At first, she treats sex like a chore, comparing it to going to work and cleaning the toilet. Who cares if you don’t feel like doing it? It has to get done!
See?! She’s not saying women have to have sex when they don’t feel like it. But they should have sex even if that’s the case because that’s what God wants.
… I teach women what the Bible commands. The Bible commands that we do not deprive our husbands of sexual intimacy. This is from God. It’s not from me.
And if you want to have a miserable life — lazy life — then you live your life by your feelings. You don’t feel like giving your husband sex for a year? Then go, fine, don’t give your husband sex for a year. But see how great your marriage is after a year.
The weird thing is she takes a nugget of truth and then bends it out of proportion to accommodate her interpretation of the Bible. If you and your spouse aren’t having sex regularly (much less a year), then there may indeed be a problem in the relationship. But Alexander takes that idea, insists it’s always the wife’s fault, and says she needs to just get over it and let her husband have his way with her.
A marriage counselor, she is not.
Her response to claims that she advocates “marital rape” are no better. She just says she’s speaking to women, not men, so how could she possibly be telling people to rape their significant other?! Even though her advice sends a message to women that their husband’s desires matter far more than their own, and that kind of mentality is often held by victims in abusive relationships.
If the wife really doesn’t feel like having sex, she says, she needs to just obey God.
… We live our lives by doing what’s right, by obeying God, even when we don’t feel like it. Yes, and that even includes sex. You know, how long does it take?!
Got it, ladies? It’ll just take two minutes. What are you so damn upset about?!
She tells the story of a woman who said her husband began having sex with her in the middle of the night without her consent. She wanted to know if that was considered rape. (Answer: Yes.) Alexander says it’s not, though, because, “Well, do you feel like you need to call the police and have him locked in jail?” Because True Rape™ would involve the police and a stranger. (She literally used those two words. Together. Like there’s such a thing as False Rape.) By her definition, no man in a marriage can ever rape his wife. (That’s a lie.)
She ends with a rousing argument for why women should just shut up and deal with sex.
… You know, this doesn’t take much time or effort, even. But it makes them happy. And this is what God calls us to do as their help-meet women. So don’t live your life by your feelings. Instead live your life in obedience to the Lord because you love your husband…
Sex that doesn’t take time or effort. Truly the height of lovemaking right there…
Good god, she’s as awful a person in her videos as she is on her website.
If you’re in a situation where your partner won’t have sex with you even though you want it, you should talk about it. If communication like that isn’t an option, find a professional to help you. Whatever you do, please don’t listen to anything this Christian woman says.