Christian blogger and professional mommy-shamer Lori Alexander (a.k.a. “The Transformed Wife”) was recently profiled in the Lafayette Daily Advertiser. In it, she claims that — wait for it — she is against mommy-shaming on the internet.
What spurred the article was a two-path flowchart Alexander made that went viral. She described working mothers (all of them, apparently) as having lives that were “falling apart,” while stay-at-home moms were (always) fulfilled.
She used the interview as an opportunity to defend her diagram, explaining how she couldn’t handle working and raising a family.
“I didn’t feel like I was a good wife, mother or teacher,” she explains. “I couldn’t be truly present in any of my roles.”
Her marriage was suffering tremendously.
“We argued from the start,” Lori says. “And that’s how I saw things modeled in my home growing up. I had a lot of people talking in my ear about how things were supposed to be, too — that Ken should help more around the house … I would go home and be mad at him. I complained that he watched too much TV, left the newspaper spread around, ate too much junk. There was always so much that I could be upset about, that he was not living up to my perfect standards. It was really ugly … and I’m sad that I wasted so much of our marriage on that.”
Lori’s story, however, isn’t as dark and serious as the interview implies.
Really, all she did was go to college to become a teacher, at the advice of her father. But balancing a career with children didn’t make her happy. She had the opportunity to stay home and care for the children, so she did.
The lesson Alexander ought to have learned from this is that balancing careers and motherhood isn’t ideal for everyone — but for those who can make it work, more power to them. Instead, she decided that her experience was one-size-fits-all.
While Alexander says her blog is meant to be “encouraging” to other women, anyone familiar with her work knows it does nothing of the sort. It’s just a platform for her to complain about women who choose a different path. She’s also known for deleting comments that disagree with her views, no matter how politely worded they are.
Which is all to say she’s the real victim in all this.
“People have told me to jump off a cliff,” she says, “but I don’t want to destroy anyone’s life. Mommy shaming is such a big thing today, and I am not shaming working mothers. People try to shame me that I don’t have a career, but I feel like I am doing what I have been called to do. Shame is something people decide to take upon themselves. If they feel working outside the home is not wrong, they shouldn’t feel shamed. I’m not trying to control or force my opinions on anyone. I have no authority over anybody.”
It’s the same kind of excuse we always hear from conservative Christians who want to force their views on everyone else: It’s not me saying this; it’s the Bible!
Shari Puterman, who wrote the article, does a disservice to readers by treating Alexander as an innocent little lamb for her views, even though a cursory glance at her blog posts reveals a very different, very toxic, person — one who is so afraid of alternative viewpoints that she resorts to condemnation and the “block” button to preserve her bubble.
At one point, Alexander claims, “I have friends who are full-time working moms, friends with tattoos… and I love them.” It’s the same response we hear from anti-gay pastors who always say they have gay friends. I wish Puterman would’ve asked to speak with some of those “friends” to find out what they think of Alexander. Do they see their relationship as a two-way street, or do they understand that Alexander sees the as nothing more than targets or blog fodder?
(Screenshot via YouTube)