Anytime you see the name “The Transformed Wife,” be prepared for utterly hyperbolic fear-mongering with little basis in reality. Blogger Lori Alexander lives up to her reputation in a recent blog post, “The Beauty of Being Virgins on the Wedding Night.”
God’s will for us is to only have sex within the bonds of marriage. My Mom taught us to wait for sex until we were married and I’m glad she did. I knew sex outside of marriage was wrong and would only give myself to the man who put a ring on my finger and vowed until death do us part. We taught our children the same thing. It’s safe boundaries for them. Children need and want boundaries, especially in this highly-sexualized culture we live in.
What follows are comments from friends in a chat group who share her views and insist they are better off because they waited until marriage to have sex. Their reasons include “there was no chance of sexual diseases,” “It’s a special gift I gave my husband,” and there was nothing to “feel ashamed” about.
It’s probably a given in Alexander’s world, but nowhere in the post does she expand upon why sex outside of marriage is harmful or wrong. The comments are meant to speak for themselves.
There’s nothing wrong with abstinence until marriage. It’s a personal choice. But in this fundamentalist Christian world, it’s a choice you make only as threats of guilt and shame loom over you in case you make the wrong choice.
She says nothing about how it can take time for a couple to learn each other’s likes and dislikes. She says nothing about how there may be some physical discomfort involved, particularly for women. She also says nothing about the sexual expectations that couples should work out before taking that leap into marriage, like how often they’d want to have sex or if either one has any particular fetishes. (My husband and I had those discussions even though we were committed to waiting.)
But according to Alexander, none of that is important. As long as you wait, BOOM, instant compatibility! (She would probably say that sex is more about fulfilling the husband’s desires than the woman’s, anyway.)
Predictably, the responses on her blog only detail the romantic honeymoon fantasy in which nothing went wrong. You won’t find a comment that suggests sex was anything but perfect after the wedding. Even for someone pushing abstinence, it seems irresponsible not to tell people to go into the wedding night with eyes wide open, fully prepared about what to expect.
Otherwise, they could be terribly disappointed, leading them to wonder what else their parents and church were lying to them about.
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