Here’s a List of Things for Mark Driscoll to Call Women Other Than Penis Homes October 4, 2017

Here’s a List of Things for Mark Driscoll to Call Women Other Than Penis Homes

Howdy, Pastor Mark Driscoll.

My name is Hemant. My hope is that I can be of help to you.

Now that you’re blogging on Patheos, where we’ll be online colleagues (to the absolute delight of all the other bloggers, and many, many readers, I assure you), I figured you could use some help.


I know one of your favorite pastimes is treating women like garbage.

You tell them anorexia can only be cured with Jesus. You publicly shamed your wife because she admitted to fooling around with another guy when she was in high school. You complained about our nation being “pussified,” as if using a “feminine” word made it awful.

And, of course, there was that time you wrote under the pseudonym “William Wallace II” and referred to women as nothing more than homes for a man’s penis. Remember that? (The rest of us do. Have I mentioned how delighted we are to have you on this site?)


The first thing to know about your penis is, that despite the way it may seem, it is not your penis. Ultimately, God created you and it is His penis. You are simply borrowing it for a while.

While His penis is on loan you must admit that it is sort of just hanging out there very lonely as if it needed a home, sort of like a man wandering the streets looking for a house to live in. Knowing that His penis would need a home, God created a woman to be your wife and when you marry her and look down you will notice that your wife is shaped differently than you and makes a very nice home.

Therefore, if you are single you must remember that your penis is homeless and needs a home. But, though you may believe your hand is shaped like a home, it is not. And, though women other than your wife may look like a home, to rest there would be breaking into another mans home. And, if you look at a man it is quite obvious that what a homeless man does not need is another man without a home. Paul tells us that your penis actually belongs to your wife, and once you are married she will trade you it for her home (I Corinthians 7:4), and every man knows this is a very good trade for him to make.

With his penis, the man is supposed to please his wife and learn how to be patient, self-controlled and be educated on how to keep his home happy and joyous (I Corinthians 7:3). The man should be aroused by his new home, and his wife should rejoice at seeing his penis rise to greet her (Song of Songs 5:14b).

You’re just full of wisdom.

Anyway, as a housewarming gift (get it?) I thought I’d help you with your writing. Hell, maybe one day, you’ll get on the New York Times bestsellers list without cheating your way to the top.

I think that instead of calling women Penis Homes, you need to mix it up a bit. You don’t want readers to get bored. So here’s a long list of other things you’ll enjoy calling women instead. (You’re welcome.)

  • Cock cottage
  • Flute flat
  • Pickle pad
  • Johnson joint
  • Dickondo
  • Excalibur edifice
  • McWangsion
  • Rod Ranch
  • Boner box
  • Dildominium
  • Prickquarium
  • Kickstand kennel
  • Schlong shanty
  • Schmuck shack
  • Drumstick dwelling
  • Minchia manor
  • Cazzo condo
  • Phallico-op
  • Putz hut

With that many phrases to choose from, there’s no way you’ll ever have to plagiarize again. Good luck. Godspeed. May your readers fare better than all the people who say they were victims of emotional and spiritual abuse at your last church.

By the way, if you truly want to “develop a bit of a relationship” with your readers, as you write in your initial post, you might want to turn on the damn comments.

(Screenshot via YouTube)

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