If you missed the Rapture — let’s say you were in the bathroom when God swooped up all the True Believers™ — don’t worry! Charisma has a helpful list of what to do in case “you miss God’s first roundup.”
And remember: These people are completely serious.
2. Get rid of your cell phone.
If you do not agree with the government of the final shabua and the charming world leader, you will be hunted. Your cell phone can be tracked. Throw it in a river or lake far from where you are going to be.
9. Get a small, self-powered radio.
If you can’t get the kind you crank by hand, get a battery-operated radio and a good supply of batteries, because you’re going to need to listen. Don’t believe the propaganda, but believe when they tell you about certain events relating to wars and geophysical calamities. You’ll be able to know what will happen next by reading Revelation 6-19.
… All true, godly ministers have left the earth in the rapture. Do not believe the lies of the ministers who are left behind. Even if you see miracles and apparent wonders, do not believe them. They are lying wonders…
Huh. What if the Rapture happened already and all the churches left behind are led by liars…? How would people even know?
This list, by Michigan Pastor Dr. Dave Williams, is only part one. Because they couldn’t cram all that batshittery into a single list. Hope you’re taking notes because Part 2 will be out soon.
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