Over the summer, Pastor Rodney Howard-Browne of The River at Tampa Bay church posted a video of a girl preaching to his congregation. Say what you will about indoctrinating kids before they’re old enough to know better, the girl appeared to know all the rules when it comes to speaking in front of a Christian audience:
1) Use a common household object as a metaphor for God: “How many of you guys know what a funnel does? It receives the rain.” Because we’re all funnels catching the blessings of God.
2) If the audience likes it, repeat it: “The rain won’t stop until you receive it. The rain won’t stop until you receive it!” (That’s not how rain works… but okay.)
3) Speak in tongues: Because why the hell not?
4) Make sure whatever you say sounds good… even if it makes no sense whatsoever: “You need a decrease so [Jesus] can increase.”
5) Build to the end by getting louder: My ears. They hurt.
To the girl in the video: If you’re reading this in the future, please get in touch with me because I’d love to know how much of this you still believe.
(via Christian Nightmares)