This is an Easy Way to Modernize the Bible

Mallory Ortberg, who frequently rewrites Bible passages for amusement, decided to replace “fear not” with “Um. Yikes.”

Abram said, “Lord God, what will You give me, seeing I go childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?”

After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying, “Um. Yikes, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward. Wow. Where is this coming from?”

I can’t believe she left out Psalm 64:4:

That they may shoot in secret at the perfect: suddenly do they shoot at him, and um… Yikes.

(via The Toast)