All That Glitters is Not God July 23, 2015

All That Glitters is Not God

We finally have definitive proof of God’s existence and it comes by way of Jessica, a Christian who’s temporarily visiting California and writing about her trip online.

She visited Bethel Redding Church and something miraculous happened…

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I got home and realized my hands were sparkling like I’d rubbed them in glitter. My flatmates informed me it was from God, glory manifested during praise. My eyebrows raised. ‘Uh huh,’ I thought. I got in the shower and scrubbed my hands with soap, but it made no difference. “GOD MADE ME SPARKLY!” I shrieked. Every day, God has given me gold dust on my hands. It appears out of nowhere, and doesn’t come off

You know who else says that glitter doesn’t come off?

Everyone who’s ever used glitter.

If only there was evidence of this magical substance being used at Bethel Church… perhaps in a video that was posted in the exact same blog post:

Granted that’s from a few years ago, but this is clearly a church that enjoys its glitter. (Though whoever posted the video calls it an inexplicable “glory cloud”…)

Not that any of that will sway Jessica:

There is a God, He is Good, and He makes me sparkly.

Obviously.

Kids in Africa are starving to death, but God shows Americans he loves them via sparkly shit. (And sometimes toast.)

I don’t even know why Catholics bother with communion wafers when they could just do this:

Anyway, I’m convinced. Gonna shut this blog down and get baptized. Who else is hopping aboard the Jesus train with me?

(Thanks to zehfreak for the link)


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