Not since Gwyneth Paltrow steam-cleaned her vagina have I read such sage advice about what women ought to do with their lady parts.
An article in Vice, by Jennifer Schaffer, introduces us to Olivia Olkowski, a shamanic healer who swears by crystals and purple clothes, and who caters to women seeking “love, guidance, and … heart healing.” She does this by re-aligning clients’ invisible vibrations and frequencies, if I’m understanding her correctly. You know Olkowski is the real deal because she stumbled upon her special abilities while she took a three-year “master course” in feng shui.
This is what she tells a group of mostly women looking for a (better) relationship:
“One powerful thing you can do — and I’m not sure how you’ll do this in New York City, ladies — is shine your yoni at the full moon.”
Yoni is Sanskrit for vagina.
“To activate your base chakra and… stimulate those energies.” The room erupted in cheers: at last, a shaman-ish way for us to bring good loving back into our lives/hearts/privates!
“That’s the best piece of advice you’ve given!” the man beside me bellowed. The women in the crowd had questions, as several hands shot up. “Should I do it sitting down or standing up?” one older lady asked. Olkowski explained her own technique: “Lay down. Spread your legs. Shine it to the moon.“
Brilliant. Shine on you crazy diamond.
Then Olkowski did some drumming, and afterwards,
[W]omen rushed to buy rocks en masse from Olkowski’s selection. For $8, I bought a hematite stone shaped like a kidney bean,
… ’cause Olkowski was all out of yoni-shaped stones, maybe?…
… to help with my iron deficiency and “build willpower.”