Ladies: To Attract Love, Shine Your Yoni At the Moon!

Not since Gwyneth Paltrow steam-cleaned her vagina have I read such sage advice about what women ought to do with their lady parts.

An article in Vice, by Jennifer Schaffer, introduces us to Olivia Olkowski, a shamanic healer who swears by crystals and purple clothes, and who caters to women seeking “love, guidance, and … heart healing.” She does this by re-aligning clients’ invisible vibrations and frequencies, if I’m understanding her correctly. You know Olkowski is the real deal because she stumbled upon her special abilities while she took a three-year “master course” in feng shui.

This is what she tells a group of mostly women looking for a (better) relationship:

“One powerful thing you can do — and I’m not sure how you’ll do this in New York City, ladies — is shine your yoni at the full moon.”

Yoni is Sanskrit for vagina.

“To activate your base chakra and… stimulate those energies.” The room erupted in cheers: at last, a shaman-ish way for us to bring good loving back into our lives/hearts/privates!

“That’s the best piece of advice you’ve given!” the man beside me bellowed. The women in the crowd had questions, as several hands shot up. “Should I do it sitting down or standing up?” one older lady asked. Olkowski explained her own technique: “Lay down. Spread your legs. Shine it to the moon.“

Brilliant. Shine on you crazy diamond.

Then Olkowski did some drumming, and afterwards,

[W]omen rushed to buy rocks en masse from Olkowski’s selection. For $8, I bought a hematite stone shaped like a kidney bean,

… ’cause Olkowski was all out of yoni-shaped stones, maybe?…

… to help with my iron deficiency and “build willpower.”

She charges $250 an hour for private sessions, but if you hire Olkowski for “Earth Healing Blessings” or for a bit of dowsing, you can now book her for the low low price of $180. Get thee hither.