So That’s What Happened To God’s Plentiful Blessings February 8, 2015

So That’s What Happened To God’s Plentiful Blessings

Science for the win, courtesy of the Onion:

[A] study released Thursday by the University of Texas Department of Astronomy found that the majority of blessings from God burn up while passing through Earth’s atmosphere. “We discovered that due to the thickness and density of the gases surrounding our planet, 80 percent of God’s graces will completely disintegrate by the time they are about 75 to 100 kilometers away from the surface,” said professor Donald Northcote, adding that his team’s observations suggest that roughly 19 million of the Lord’s blessings vaporize in the mesosphere on any given day.

“Even the largest and most generous of God’s gifts will be reduced to many minute fragments of His original intention during the journey, and the rare blessing that reaches the ground will be much smaller than it was in Heaven.”

Occasionally, though, God’s messages get through loud and clear, as evidenced by this Onion report from 1998.

For as long as he can remember, 7-year-old Timmy Yu has had one precious dream: From the bottom of his heart, he has hoped against hope that God would someday hear his prayer to walk again. Though many thought Timmy’s heavenly plea would never be answered, his dream finally came true Monday, when the Lord personally responded to the wheelchair-bound boy’s prayer with a resounding no. …

Said Angela Schlosser, a day nurse who witnessed the Divine Manifestation: “An incredible, booming voice said to Timmy, ‘I am the Lord thy God, who created the rivers and the mountains, the heavens and the earth, the sun and the moon and the stars. Before Me sits My beloved child, whose faith is that of the mustard seed from which grows mighty and powerful things. My child, Timmy Yu, I say unto you thus: I have heard your prayers, and now I shall answer them. No, you cannot get out of your wheelchair. Not ever.” …

Now that Timmy has received an answer, Christians the world over are celebrating his story as a stirring testament to the power of faith.

Beautifully wicked and delightfully waggish, the Onion’s God-coverage rarely disappoints.

(Image via Shutterstock)

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