Mike Huckabee Knows That Christians Will Eventually Defeat Muslims Because the Bible Tells Him So September 15, 2014

Mike Huckabee Knows That Christians Will Eventually Defeat Muslims Because the Bible Tells Him So

Holy War might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but former Arkansas Governor and 2008 Republican presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee is pretty excited about it. You see, like other right-wing religious luminaries, he’s… well, got a book. And, what do you know? That book tells him how a religious war between Muslims and Christians turns out. (Hint: it’s not the same ending Islamic radicals find in their book. Someone’s going to be disappointed!)

Speaking during a Star Spangled Sunday event over the weekend, would-be-President Huckabee reassured his audience

… I got good news for all the dispirited and disquieted Christians in America who somehow are afraid that the Sons of Ishmael who are challenging us now in the Middle East will overwhelm the Sons of Isaac. Let me assure you, I have read the end of the Book! My dear friend, we win! And our flag still stands! Our flag is still there!

And lest there be any confusion that this victory is entirely the product of some sort of divine intervention, Huckabee has been very clear: it’s up to us to “eradicate” ISIS. (He, apparently, is more in the “kill” than “convert” camp.) Clearly, the best solution to sadistic religious extremists who kill people over their interpretation of a “holy book” is Holy War based on a different book. The ending is already written in the Bible and God tells us that we’re going to win.

Hallelujah! I don’t know about you, but I’m putting in my order for a “Mission Accomplished” banner now.


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