Words That Have Never Been Uttered by Anyone, Ever

Well, except for this Onion writer:

Anyhow, if you have some literature — even a whole book — maybe you could leave it with me so that I can look it over, and then you could stop by and talk to me about it later, whenever it’s convenient for you. Better yet, is there a place in my community I could visit to find out more about the sacrifice Jesus made for me? I’d be interested in learning about something like that.

Also, I haven’t heard the good news, but I certainly would like to.