Three High School Seniors Bring a ‘Dirty Mag’ to a Church Lock-In and End Up Being Terrorized by a Demon December 14, 2013

Three High School Seniors Bring a ‘Dirty Mag’ to a Church Lock-In and End Up Being Terrorized by a Demon

By Terry Firma
December 14, 2013

Yeah, sure you’ll get my attention with a line like this:

Parents met with church leaders to discuss criminal charges they were considering filing against the church for child endangerment, neglect and torture.

But it’s not a news account. It’s part of the fake story behind a new Christian horror film, The Lock In, that purports to show how watching porn is a danger to one’s mortal soul. The working premise seems to be that Beelzebub lurks inside lady parts. Or maybe that’s chlamydia. (See? I’m already confused.)

Anyway, I know I had you at “Christian horror film,” so without further ado, here’s the trailer:

It’s all very Blair Witch-y, but with Bibles.

Release date in four weeks. (Heh — release! Giggity.)

I can’t wait.

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  • WallofSleep

    ” The working premise seems to be that Beelzebub lurks inside lady parts.”

    When will these silly christians learn? That’s a feature, not a bug.

  • paulalovescats

    Pleeeeease tell me it’s a farce. Pleeeeease! If it’s real, they are harming kids much more than a naked woman could.

  • The Blair Church Project. Everything you’ve heard is true.

    Belief in God results in Demon worship – this movie can show you how!

    They can use the footage from the original, since witches and demons are both from the Bible.

    .

  • Paula M Marshall,

    If it’s real, they are harming kids much more than a naked woman could.

    That depends on the naked woman.

    Jenny McCarthy can do a lot of harm with her vaccine denialism.

    .

  • LesterBallard

    “The working premise seems to be that Beelzebub lurks inside lady parts.”

    He does. I’ve seen him.

  • LesterBallard

    And her acting.

  • What the hell’s a church lock in, is that a thing? If it is, that’s scary as hell.

  • WallofSleep

    “What the hell’s a church lock in…”

    I imagine it’s a lot like a bar lock-in, but without all the booze, cigarettes, and fun.

  • Eli

    I’ve done science museum lock-ins – basically a sleep-over at the museum…this sounds like that, but less fun.

  • JT Rager

    The thing that gets me about some of these urban legends with Satan in them:

    Why would Satan punish you for doing sinful things?

  • WallofSleep

    “Why would Satan punish you for doing sinful things?”

    He’s bi-polar. Don’t make fun, that’s hurtful.

  • WallofSleep

    I recall the first time I laid eyes on a “Dirty Mag”. I was instantly possessed by a demon from the Turgid Plane of Existence. It’s cool, though. I exorcised it myself.

  • Anne

    As someone with bipolar disorder, I would ask that you not use the disease in this manner. You’re reducing a disorder that affects every aspect of your life to a single symptom for amusement’s sake. You wouldn’t say, “Oh, I totally didn’t want to get out of bed this morning, I’m so paraplegic!”, would you?

  • WallofSleep

    “You wouldn’t say, “Oh, I totally didn’t want to get out of bed this morning, I’m so paraplegic!”, would you?”

    I dunno, I might. Anyway, point taken.

  • Anne

    Yep, that’s it. Usually involves large amounts of caffeine and sugary snacks. I was raised Southern Baptist but never allowed to go to lock-ins because there were BOYS there, too.

  • Really? Do teenagers still look at dirty magazines?

  • Carmelita Spats

    I had never heard of church lock-ins until I moved to a Southern Baptist Screwyouland. Across the border, if you are locked inside a church, it means that you have pissed off a cartel or that there’s a 55-year-old male virgin just inches away from you because your parents are way negligent and forgot to read to you the “Decree on Creepy Overlong Stares” from the Catacombs of Agony just beneath Vatican City. A church lock-in, on this side of the border, means that a group of teens are locked inside a church for an entire night of gum-snapping fun which is briefly interrupted when a constipated youth pastor shows a clip titled, “Extra-Crispy: This Is What Your Face Will Look Like If You Don’t Accept Jesus”. Much giggling is heard in the background. Then, everyone shrugs and goes back to the video games.

  • Thomas Bennett

    Yes, it’s a thing..billed as a fun and safe sleepover type activity for your children (leave them and forget them) but is actually an exercise in psychological conditioning enhanced by sleep depravation.

  • A3Kr0n

    If watching porn is a danger to one’s mortal soul, then I have nothing to worry about.

  • Eli

    Ah, I did them through Girl Scouts, so no boys. My mom’s not strongly religious, but she may also have said no if boys were there too.

  • Thomas Bennett

    OMG, how can we worry about the economy, climate, war, and everything else when there are DEMONS running around loose and hiding in porn? On a different note, that gentle but delightful tugging sensation isn’t the kegels…it’s Satan trying to drag you back in….pull out, pull out! Before it’s too late!

    Oh, wait…new product idea…it’s mine, I called it right here…holy water disposable douche!

  • WallofSleep

    I’d wager most teenagers are too busy having sex to bother with pornography.

  • The Starship Maxima

    Naw, wasn’t Beelzebub, she hadn’t shaved down there in a while.

  • Michael

    Surely that depends on whether the naked woman has a shotgun.

    And yes, it’s a farce. Whether it’s meant to be one is up for debate.

  • Svelaz

    Sorry to go a bit off topic but I don’t know if Hemant has noticed that the Oklahoma monument debacle has grown a bit…….now the HIndus are requesting a monument placement too. I hope he updates the story otherwise the Wiccans will already be requesting a place too pretty soon. Legislators are not happy and are actually trying to block further entrants.

  • Well, maybe not the ones who are so out of touch with reality that they are sneaking around with “dirty magazines” obtained from… wherever one obtains such things from in this day and age.

  • I might. I don’t see a problem with employing an actual disorder in humor. Depends how it’s done, and frankly, I didn’t fine the original comment distasteful or insulting in any way to people with bipolar disorder.

  • Svelaz

    Mmmm….looking at a porn magazine in this country especially when being a teenager has been sort of a rite of passage for everyone. Sometimes it’s as simple as admiring a good looking centerfold. I wonder how the ancient Greeks saw public nude statues given that they were basically in…..3D!

  • And in any case, what is a “mortal soul”? I thought the core definition of a soul was that part of a person that is immortal.

    As an atheist, I actually believe in the mortal soul. That would be my self-awareness, which will die when my body does.

  • MyScienceCanBeatUpYourGod

    Yeah, I don’t get it, does he want to tempt me and enable me like a bad influence-friend, or is he out to stop me and punish me like the police? Maybe he’s a narc, and it’s all about entrapment…

  • more compost

    4 gajillion on the Unintentional Comedy scale.

  • Rob P

    It’s about time they remade “Reefer Madness”

  • Paul Reed
  • toth

    My only question is, where is the D-list actor? If Liberty Council and that other ridiculous movie could get one, why can’t “Holy Moly Pictures”?

  • SecularAmerican

    It’s all very Blair Witch-y, but with Bibles.

    After reading the Bible, I wouls say that the Blair Witch Project is rather Bibley and not the other way around.

  • And nobody wondered how a demon managed to get inside a “House of God” ? I thought holy ground like a church was supposed to protect people from dark forces of the supernatural. If Connor McLeod can’t battle The Kurgen inside of a church, then how did a demon terrorize some teens?

    I mean there must have been a priest….Oh…Okay.

  • DAK23

    I have servere depression, anxiety, and bi-polar disorder and got a laugh. I could tell the author wasn’t being malicious. Sometimes it’s OK to laugh at ourselves.

  • islandbrewer

    Oooh! I want to make a movie just like that, except someone smuggles in an old VCR tape of old Growing Pains episodes, and it turns everyone at the lock in into a smarmy idiotic raging dick.

  • They should have modernized it by having the teens looking at porn on their tablets and smartphones or something.

  • momtarkle

    I’m guessing that the teens in the church witnessed the second coming.

  • Terry Firma

    It’s spelled “cumming.”

  • Exactly my point. I can’t help but to think these kinds of films (which remind me of Reefer Madness in their reality disconnect) miss the mark so much because their makers are clueless. Whoever wrote this is probably creeping around in some seedy adult bookstore (which mostly exist only in the Bible Belt) and thinks that represents the state-of-the-art in porn.

  • Chris

    Is…is this a real movie that someone is making in reality, or is this a joke?

  • momtarkle

    Either spelling is correct. From online McMillan:

    come: 9 (impolite) to have an orgasm (=reach the state of greatest sexual excitement).

    Gawd, I loves these intellectual discussions!

  • Terry Firma

    Cool. Remember to scrub your browser history!

  • Artor

    Dumb, dumb-dumb-dumb, DUMB!!!
    Wow, the horror movie genre is banal and boring as it is. Adding fundie Xianity to it is just…about typical.

  • momtarkle

    Done.

  • As hard as it is to imagine, some people seem to still get their porn in print form. One of the jokes in Ohio a few years ago was when lighting struck the large waist-up statue of Jesus (known to locals as “Touchdown Jesus” or “Quicksand Jesus”, located off the interstate between Cincinnati and Dayton) which caused it to burn and (mostly) melt while leaving the adult bookstore on the other side of the highway intact.

  • The same way that fictional characters are able to do all sorts of impossible things in fantasy and science fiction literature.

  • duke_of_omnium

    I look at the trailer and call Poe, but I don’t insist. The website is every bit as amateurish as that trailer. As far as I can tell in 5 minutes of surfing, this is Holy Moly Pictures’ first release.

  • duke_of_omnium

    But were there demonic girly mags?

  • I was in Ohio for a month in the ’90s and was surprised at the sheer number of adult stores, especially coming from the the DC area where those kinds of stores were not so prominent. I didn’t realize they were still popular.

  • It seems there is more porn in the more Jesusy areas. Research on web searches confirms that. I think that may confirm a hypothesis elsewhere in this discussion that people actually having sex have little use for porn.

  • I occasionally drive from Colorado to South Carolina. When you go across Missouri, Arkansas, Tennessee… every little town has billboards on their edge advertising the local churches and advertising the local 24/7 porn palace.

    I’ve never seen that anywhere except the Bible Belt.

  • Pofarmer

    And here I thought 3D pron was a new thing.

    What it really shows is how non-enlightened and hung up on sex we’ve become.

  • SeekerLancer

    Because teenagers these days buy pornographic magazines instead of watching it stream for free on the Internet. Right.

    And the type of teenagers who would willingly go to something called a “Church Lock In” would be the type to bring porn to one?

  • Don Gwinn

    Does this look like a Poe to anyone else? Does anybody know more about this “Holy Moly Pictures” thing? Is this an actual attempt to make a Christian horror movie, or somebody’s parody?

  • John

    Considering that pretty much the entire premise of Christianity is based on entrapment (the whole Tree of Knowledge thing), that wouldn’t surprise me at all.

  • A Coed Lock-in, no less. They don’t even need the porn.

  • Tor

  • And Painted. The Greeks painted their statues.

  • midnight rambler

    Driving from New York to Georgia, that was what struck me as well. Practically all the billboards (aside from the innumberable ones for “South of the Border”) were for either churches or strip clubs. You never see either kind of place advertising in the Northeast.

  • There is an article on that, if I recall.

  • L.Long

    Well they should be punished as their mags would not be so dirty if they stopped dropping them in the mud!!! Its a shame getting all those pictures smeared.
    Well that is the only kind of dirty mag I know about.

  • Smevin kith

    That wasn’t beezulbub,it was Pillowpants ,get your vagina demons right,amateurs.

  • cary_w

    Isn’t the “lesson” from this movie going to end up being “stay out of churches!” I mean, it’s the churches that have all the creepy superstitions associated with them, the porn is just some pictures. And if you compare it to Blair Witch, that message was “stay out of the woods!”. It seems like Satan must be inhabitation the church and I don’t see how he could hurt anyone who doesn’t believe in him. So for your own safety, kids, stay away from those churches!

  • baal

    not anymore

  • Aleister Gates

    hilarious

  • we didn’t call them ‘lock ins’ but we had them at my (still totally secular) middle school. music, no escape from the school, teachers treating you a bit differently. the idea was we were learning to be independent and ‘adult’-like by practicing grown up skills like staying up all night and camping out in the gym.

    yeah, it didn’t make sense to me back then either.

  • Chris Muir

    And not a hint as to what the “dirty magazine” was supposed to be. For all we know, it might have been a dusty copy of Newsweek.

  • Zach Bauer

    I find it most interesting that the creators of the film are allowing a demonic possession to occur in a church, on holy ground. It’s almost like their god is powerless to stop it. “He’s either very smart or very dumb” (Jaws) lmao

  • Tor

    I’m sure there’s a helpful youth pastor nearby.

  • Tor

    My friend recently had me watch some lame-ass teen horror film from the seventies. It involved some ancient gods rather than the Xtian god – or were they zombies? – Anyway the teens were so amazingly stupid I wanted them all to be dead by the time the movie was half over. I suspect I might have similar feelings with this one.

  • Tor

    What?

  • Tor

    and don’t forget your keyboard.

  • Tor

    I have no intention to watch that thing, but it sounds like a protestant church – only catholic churches are demon-proof.

  • Tor

    I hope it is one of their blue animal-faced-multi-armed flying gods.

  • Tor

    You don’t actually think they sell “books” at adult bookstores, to you? Wink wink.

  • Artor

    Pssht. I got you beat there. I haven’t even watched the trailer, and I already feel that way.

  • Artor

    They’re going for a big bronze Hanuman with his monkey face.

  • Lurker111

    National Geographic, with a spread of topless native girls.

  • Lurker111

    “Our God didn’t evolve from no monkey!”

  • It’s been decades, but I remember printed material (magazine format), video tapes (one assumes those have been replaced by DVDs), “toys” and some video booths for private viewing. If anyone wants to update me on how things have changed since 1990, please do.

  • Tor

    I used to – and I still do – love glossy magazines. The internet will never compare. I remember this cop…..ooooooh.

  • CarysBirch

    video games? ugh, too modern. contaminated. BOARD games. At the church lock ins of my youth we played pente.

    (Now I play more video games and try to avoid being locked in anywhere with teenagers OR evangelicals.)

  • Jeff

    Try decaf. Humor is part of (arguably, a very necessary part of) the human condition. Because you do not find it humorous doesn’t mean you get to tell us how bad we are because some of us (including those who are, or have in their family, bi-polar folks) still thing it was funny.

  • Jeff

    “out of touch”….when it comes to teens, I doubt that phrase ever comes up.

  • CottonBlimp

    I exorcised all over myself.

  • Jim Jones

    > You wouldn’t say, “Oh, I totally didn’t want to get out of bed this morning, I’m so paraplegic!”, would you?

    I might not say it but I’d think it!

  • Jim Jones

    > The same way that fictional characters are able to do all sorts of impossible things in fantasy and science fiction literature.

    Just like the bible!

  • Jim Jones

    Isn’t that what Reddit is for? “Come for the boobs. Stay for the brains”.

  • Jim Jones

    Try Utah.

  • Jim Jones

    Wall Street Weekly with pictures of Jon Corzine’s wallet.

  • Jim Jones

    > Isn’t the “lesson” from this movie going to end up being “stay out of churches!”

    If you smuggle a bible into a porn store lock in does it catch on fire? Or does Jesus come down and make the dead rise (pun intended)?

  • Keira Butler

    As someone who has bipolar disorder i found your comment fucking funny. You know what i find offensive? When people use bipolar disorder as a crutch and an excuse to get upset over nothing. 🙂

  • Keated

    The Room and Troll 2 appear to have a new friend for Bad Film Night 😀

  • lorimakesquilts

    Just what I thought. Why aren’t they just praying away the demons?

  • lorimakesquilts

    This is pretty common, especially new year’s eve. My niece has done it (poor thing), looked pretty lame — teenager party with way too many parents hanging around.

  • Camorris

    Pillowpants! Purity Rings should be outfitted with a symbol for this demon – that should scare true believing boys away.

  • Jack Hoft

    somebody refilmed the blair witch project…in a church…how original.

  • The Linda Blair Church Project.

    😉

  • GeauxGhoti

    Beelzebub… It’s what’s for dinner.

  • Hibernia86

    Reminds me of the book of Job.

  • Hibernia86

    Someone needs to point out to them that dirty magazines are not pocket sized. Wait…

    New plan! Build a time machine, go back to the 1970s, sell pocket sized dirty magazines, make millions!