Irony, thy name is Reverend Simon Tatton-Brown.
No wait, my bad. I’ll try again:
A vicar has been forced to apologise after claiming at a primary school assembly that Father Christmas does not exist and recounting the gruesome story of Saint Nicholas.
Reverend Simon Tatton-Brown infuriated parents of youngsters at Charter Primary by questioning the existence of Santa.
He told children that Father Christmas was based on a grisly legend about Saint Nicholas, who bought three murdered children back to life.
The Church of England vicar described how the youngsters were killed by an evil butcher and placed in a barrel to be pickled and sold as ham. Parents complained when their children, aged between five and 11, came home shell-shocked and the vicar of St Andrew’s Church in Chippenham, Wilts. has now apologised.
Tatton-Brown said in a statement that he supports parents who want their children to enjoy Father Christmas and the standard Christmas tales:
“I had no intention of undermining their belief in the reality of Santa Claus.”
I imagine he will spend the rest of his years in penitence, explaining to children how Abraham was totally fine with God telling him to slaughter his own son, how Jephthah burned his only daughter to death for God, and how Moses commanded the mass rape of captured virgins and the murder of their relatives. You know — true, wholesome stories from the Bible.