J.C. For President! June 20, 2012

J.C. For President!

By Jessica Bluemke
June 20, 2012

This presidential election may just turn into a three-horse race.  You thought we were just down to Barry and Mittens?  Oh no, friend.

Not if Bill Keller and his site VotingForJesus.com have anything to say about it!  They’re “taking a stand and say[ing] ‘no’ to Satan this November!!!”

Don’t believe them?  How could you not? They have a 1998-style website and everything!

See?

Over 125,000 people have committed to this.

Guys.  There are over 125,000 people who are committing to vote for at best a guy who has been dead for 2,000 years but is more likely a fictional character.  Do you know how many people that is?

That’s more than six times the number of people who attended the Reason Rally.  Who are going to vote for Jesus.  For president.  Of the United States.  (I mostly take issue with the fact that he’s not a U.S. citizen.  You know, because he was born 1776 years before the founding of America.)

I know I am really driving this point home hard, but I just want to make sure that everyone is on the same page here.

The page also features a lengthy manifesto of their position which contains lots of CAPITAL LETTERS about JESUS and also lots of punctuation!!!!  I tried reading it, but after I got past this, I had to quit due to the brain fluid oozing out of my ears:

As I prophetically shared last November, if God allowed the upcoming election for President to be between President Obama and Mitt Romney, it would truly be satan flipping a two-headed coin with his head on both sides!

I skimmed the rest of it after I shoved the brain fluid back in and would like to offer some highlights:

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney is a 5th generation member and a priest in the satanically inspired Mormon cult. He and others in his cult LIE when they claim to be Christians, since Mormon doctrine is 100% inconsistent with Biblical Christianity and a Mormon is no more a Christian than a Muslim is. He deceives people by saying he believes in “God” and “Jesus” is his savior, when the “god” of Romney’s cult is NOT the God of the Bible, and their “jesus” is NOT the Jesus of the Bible. Romney and those in his cult believe the Bible to be a flawed and incomplete book and look at Biblical Christians as inferior and non-believers for rejecting the beliefs of their cult.

….

Romney’s cult is very aggressive in seeking converts to their beliefs.

(Pot, I have a kettle I’d like you to meet.)

The problems in this nation are NOT political, they are spiritual. That is why NO politician can solve the real problems this nation faces!

…

This is not about politics, it is about THE ETERNAL SOULS OF MEN! A true Christian will NEVER put politics above souls, so please watch for any so-called Christian leader who endorses and supports either President Obama or Mitt Romney, since they are nothing but “hirelings” and NOT true men or women of God because they obviously don’t care about souls!

I am encouraging true followers of Jesus Christ to say NO to satan and say YES to Jesus! This November, write in the name JESUS for President! The option will be several third party candidates. Sadly, no candidate outside of the two major parties have any chance at winning the election. So rather than vote for a third party candidate, write in the name of Jesus for President.

….

God started by allowing the economy to slip in disarray, we have chaos in our streets, and now God has allowed two tools of satan to face each other to see who would become the next leader of our nation.

Keller goes on to expose how crazy the Mormons are using scare quotes and a liberal smattering of the word “cult.” (It’s used 20 times on the page… someone knows how to stick to his message!)  To his credit, he manages to sound just about as crazy as the beliefs he’s describing… Impressive, no?

Of course, there is the requisite Call to Action — you know, tell everyone you know everywhere about this amazing plan to vote for Jesus.

I wanted to do some kind of deconstruction of this amaaaaaazing plan.  Find out what they are trying to accomplish. Do they think that Jesus will come back if enough people vote for him? Do they think that Jesus can no longer hear their prayers and now counts ballots instead? What on earth is their plan if they somehow pull this off and win? The list goes on…

But, honestly, what can I say?  I just think that Keller has just out-crazied everyone.

The man is shooting for the moon, and taking 125,000+ people with him.

(via God Discussion — Thanks to The Good Atheist for the link!)

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  • I think this website should be promoted far and wide, and believers should be strongly encouraged to vote for Jesus Christ in the next election. And I am not joking either.

  • Peter

    Isn’t it likely that those 125,000 people would have voted for Romney? This could benefit Obama if it spreads.

  • vexorian

    Unless Jack Donaghy is right and votes for God are accounted as “republican” then this is great news.

  • Marguerite

    I assume the Holy Spirit is the vice presidential candidate?

  • Nickolas Johnson

    ” Over 125,000 people have committed to this.”
    Their submission form does not even require you to enter anything to add numbers to the counter. I could sit here and commit to vote for jesus about 300 times in a single minute by just hitting enter and escape simultaneously.

  • Gus Snarp

    Wait, the plan is to actually cast a ballot and write in Jesus Christ for President? There are not nearly enough people signed up. Every fundamentalist Christian in America should sign up. Every support of Focus on the Family, every pro-life voter. That’s got to guarantee Romney loses, right? Yes, Fundamentalist Christians, get out there and vote for Jesus! I back this effort 100%!

  • Tainda

    I agree with the majority here.  Go on people!  Vote for Jeebus!  That way Obama will win you inbred looney toons!

  • I mostly take issue with the fact that he’s not a U.S. citizen.  You know, because he was born 1776 yearsbefore the founding of America.

    Oh Hema- er, jessica

    Everyone knows Jesus dropped by North America http://mormon.org/faq/christ-in-america/ And as Clause 5 of the constitution states:

    No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President

    Obviously when Jesus was in America, he obtained de facto citizenship.  And since he was already a citizen at the time of the adoption of the Constitution, he’s obviously eligible on those grounds.

    However,

    neither shall any person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States.

    Did he continue to age after crucifiction?  Or is he still only 33?  And did he hang around for 14 years?

  • It says “125,000 people have committed.”

    Corrected, it would say, “125,000 people who should be committed.”

  • Darwin’s Dagger

    He’s gonna steal more votes from Romney then Obama, so I’m willing to put a Jebus 2012 bumper-sticker on my car.

  • Gus Snarp

    I could never do that, even if it guaranteed Obama’s reelection. 

  • Miko

    Now we just need all the nonbelievers to vote for some other fictional character.

    > Find out what they are trying to accomplish.

    They’re trying to point out that the election is meaningless because the two dominant candidates are basically carbon copies of each other.  My reasons for disliking both candidates are different than theirs, but they are nonetheless correct in pointing out that there are no good reasons for favoring one of the Demopublican candidates over the other.

  • sunburned

    I can’t wait till we get too see the *real* birth certificate for this candidate!

  • If so, they’d be tossing away the electoral votes of whatever his home state is. 

  • observer

    Yeah, they vote for him now, but wait until they find out he’s a Liberal.

  • Mdwelch27

    I’m a little embarassed to tell you this, but here in South Carolina, I am seeing quite a few little plastic yard signs saying vote for jesus.  I don’t know if there is a connection,  but the signs are not rare here.

    For what its worth,

    Mark Welch

  • But he’s not a natural born US citizen.

  • JC

    I could not stop reading those quotes in the Church Lady voice.
    On that coin. Those heads, whose could… they… be….

    Could it be…….SATAN!?

  • pagansister

     Totally agree, Jim.  Funny farm—here they come!

  • Ok, a few things.  A president has to be 35 years old.  Jesus died when he was 33.  But he never “really” died, so I’ll let that go.  A president has to have lived in the U.S. for at least 14 years prior to the election.  Jesus never visited.  But he’s omnipresent or something, so we’ll let it go.  Finally, a president has to have been BORN in the United States, which Jesus unequivocally was not.

    Unless you’re willing to give up on the stupid stories about the census, the inn, Bethlehem, the wise men, John the Baptist, all the disciples, the original betrayal by Judas (who’d he sell Jesus out to?  The Iroquois?), and basically the entire story of Jesus’ life and the early years of Christianity, he’s not allowed to be president.

    Also he’s dead.

  • Finally, a president has to have been BORN in the United States

    Or citizen at when Constitution was signed.  And he did visit the US, right after he was crucified, but before he went to heaven.  Just ask any Mormon.

    The 14 years residency is a sticking point however.

  • > 
    There are over 125,000 people who are committing to vote for at best a guy who has been dead for 2,000 years but is more likely a fictional character.

    I’d like to have some words with you.

  • But if we know so little about what he really said and did, does it really matter?

  • Brian Pansky

     an agent of satan!

  • Renshia

     What the hell does facts have to do with this?

  • Renshia

    No, no promote this…

    Vote for Santa! At least he knows how to get shit done.

  • Keulan

    If you’re gonna vote for fictional dieties, don’t vote for Jesus. Vote for Cthulhu. Why settle for the lesser evil?

  • Tinker

     enter – alt/left arrow is quick too, and fun watching the numbers go up. lol

  • I just think that Keller has just out-crazied everyone.

    I don’t think he himself is crazy, he’s just mining another vein of gold in Crazy Mountain.  There’s money to be made by encouraging crazy people to do crazy things, and a seemingly endless variety of ways to appeal to them.

    On his website, the “DONATE” button is at top center. Setting up his website and writing the article cost him very little; just a handful of donations will cover that. The rest is pure profit.

    Money motivates most madness.

  • IkeRose

    We need to support this. Do it as covertly as possible, but we should all write in JC this November.
    Think of the media reaction; think of the impact on the Christian movement. It will appear that several hundred thousand Christians are stupid enough to vote in a myth as President of the United States. It’ll devastate their credibility worldwide.

  • cipher

    And this is the reason we need mandatory testing of intelligence, sanity and developmental level as a prerequisite for voting.

  • James

    “The man is shooting for the moon, and taking 125,000+ people with him.”

    Reminds me of Jim Jones…anyone?

    Also, Jesus loves you so much. And he really needs your money, too!

  • Sindigo

    I filled in “Jesus isn’t standing in November’s election” and it still counted me. Twice. I sincerely doubt that many people will fill in Jesus’ name on the ballot paper.

  • Sindigo

    “It’ll devastate their credibility worldwide.” Too late.

  • Sindigo

    Well, if he lived in the US when the Mormons claim he did he could absolutely be a citizen when the constitution was signed as it was his last earthly residence.  The 14 years residency thing, isn’t he kind of everywhere?

  • Sindigo

    And a hippy to boot.

  • newavocation

    Absolutely correct Richard! Too bad the other commentators didn’t pick up on this ploy. It’s like talking about prowrestling which is a complete waste of time unless you are making money at it. Maybe we should try to convince Xians that it’s not about believing in god its about lining pockets.

  • M Dao

     You could put them on other people’s cars.  🙂

  • sunburned

    Everyone knows zombies don’t age, they just sort of decompose.

  • Bo Tait

    Kind of off-topic, but didn’t Bart Ehrmen already derail the whole  ‘Jesus didn’t exist’ train?
    “One may well choose to resonate with the concerns of our modern and post-modern cultural despisers of established religion (or not). But surely the best way to promote any such agenda is not to deny what virtually every sane historian on the planet — Christian, Jewish, Muslim, pagan, agnostic, atheist, what have you — has come to conclude based on a range of compelling historical evidence.
    Whether we like it or not, Jesus certainly existed.”

  • This is ridiculous on so many levels, but I think they are obviously just trying to make a point. If Jesus really receives 100s of 1000s of votes, it will make news and I think that’s what they are after.

    More power to them. I hope all of the religious right votes for him. 

  • Um.  *swoon*  I love his language, he sounds just so cute.  Adorable!!  He must be very intelligent and powerful.  *gush*

    But, no, hun.  Please don’t be seduced by his luscious prose.  Bart can’t speak for all historians and derail the ‘Jesus didn’t exist’ train.  Nor can he determine with the wave of his tweed sleeve who is sane.

    He is only pushing a version of history that ignores the historians who don’t agree that Jesus existed.   It would be great if you could cite for me some of his “range of compelling historical evidence?”  Meanwhile, I’d recommend to you Dan Barker’s book “godless.”  In particular, chapter 15 addresses this topic.

  • Gunstargreen

    Considering how jaded I am about American politics at this point I might even vote for Jesus.

  • Beadknitter

    I, for one, do not mind if they all go to the moon. My heart aches for the people following this nutcase. I grew up in a church like that. It was a nightmare experience.

  • TheKevinBates

    Seriously, yes.  That’s 125,000 people not voting for the Religious Right.

  • kaydenpat

    Ha!

  • kaydenpat

    125,000 people is not a lot considering that 85% of Americans are religious.  I’m sure making $$$ is the sole reason for this Vote for Jesus movement.