Bad Reasons to Change Your Last Name After Marriage

It would be great if it was expected to just come up with a new last name for the couple when they married!!

I regretted signing the paperwork to change my name within five minutes. I only did it because my family and his were both upset about how unconventional we were going about our marriage and they kept asking “well you are changing your name to his, right?” and I was like “fine, I guess I don’t see why not”. At least my workplace is totally cool with me using my old name professionally.

Back when I was considering someone that seriously, I did suggest changing my own surname. This had nothing to do with hers being way cooler than mine.

Couples should interleave their last names, and both adopt the new hybrid.
Smith + Jones = Sjmointehs

Nothing says love like a little emotional blackmail.

I took my wife’s name

In Germany, only one person is allowed to hyphenate, the possible children all have to have the same last name and you can’t make up a new name or combine the names.

My wife took my name initially as we were young and “everyone was doing it”.  However, after being married 10 years and expecting our first baby (whom we had to name) the issue came forward and we legally changed our names to a hyphenated one with both our birth names; and our kids have that last name too.  It’s nice to all have the same last name but one that includes both of our birth names.  Some people think it’s weird but we are starting to see more of it.  

Oh, and I should add some of the legal issues with changing names that we encountered.  In that state we lived in at the time (Iowa), for a woman to change her name when getting married it just involved a trip to the Social Security office with the marriage certificate.  For a male to change his name it requires a court petition to do so (and of course costs associated with it).  I’m sure each state treats it differently and hopefully more are changing to make the process the same for males and females to change their names when getting married.

I never considered changing my name. I can’t imagine falling in love with a man who would insist on that, either.

The one that sounds cooler would be a better system

(because my name is really really cool :p)

That’s what struck me, too (no pun intended). It’s one of the ways women are equated with children.

I did not change my name when I married.  I made that decision probably in high school.  I remember the way people would refer to my mom as “Mrs. [husband’s first and last name] as if she had no identity other than her husband’s wife.  Historically, women were expected to change their names because they were property to be owned by their husbands.  That is also why women wore wedding rings.  However now wedding rings are worn by both spouses, yet last names are still a vestige of the old property laws.
 
14 years later, I still have numerous in-laws who blatantly refuse to use my name.  I don’t get upset, I figure they just really cannot handle the idea of an independent, married woman.  My husband gets more upset than I do.
 
I am a professional and to this day, people seem hugely surprised when I tell them I kept my name.  It’s 2012, isn’t it?  Lucy Stone – the first recorded US woman to keep her maiden name, did so in the 1850’s.  (Interestingly when they married, she and her husband made a formal protest of the marriage laws and recorded the “marriage protest” which says, among other things:

We protest especially against the laws which give to the husband:
1. The custody of the wife’s person.
2. The exclusive control and guardianship of their children…

My wife and I decided to combine our names w/ no hyphens or spaces (people always drop one of the names with hyphens or spaces) My mom lost her mind and tried to lay on the guilt about… I don’t know… family or some shit I think. Even her side of the family took it as an affront. Funny thing was, my dad didn’t care at all (and he’s the only one left from his side of the family).

I think another good avenue would have been to try to think of something totally cool like Wolfenstien, or McDanger, or GodSmasher, or Von Mehta

My wife, before we got married, spent about 20 minutes one night justifying to me the reasons she did not want to change her last name to mine.  I looked at her and said, “I don’t care, I always thought it was stupid”,  and that put an end to it. 

It leads to thinks like being introduced as “Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So”, which basically is saying that she is not important, and is not an individual, and only the male matters.

 Though I cringe for the future genealogists! 

Hm. I think I’ll drop my first name and surname simply for ‘McLovin’.

As someone who’s father had a horrible name (Lumpee) and had it legally changed later in life, go with something your kids can live with.  I had all my ID’s in my mothers last name and only when I was going to school outside of the US did I have to legal change it.  What a hassle and expense.

Obviously most of these comments are for the US. In the UK you can call yourself anything you want, unless it is for fraudulent purposes. Obviously it helps in dealing with admin, banks, governments etc. etc. if you have some paperwork, but it is not legally required.

When we married my wife did not change her name, and I would have been surprised if she had. Most of our friends haven’t.  Even our older relatives have now got used to it.

Often strangers are likely to call me by her name – say if she has made a restaurant booking, but this is of no relevance either way.

One idea I quite like is that people should change their name at the age of 18 from their “childhood” name, to an “adult” nmae of their choice.

Not only go with something they can live with, but make sure you’re not setting them up for too much legal hassle down the road.

My parents didn’t legally change my last name when they married, nor did my stepdad adopt me, but they did enroll me in school under his last name, which has caused me endless amounts of bureaucratic bullshittery. I now have to use a hyphenate of a name that’s not even mine in order to tie my birth records into my school records into my other paperwork. B.S. My folks consider this compromise on my part disrespectful  to them, because part of the hyphenate is my birth name. Wha?

Hmm, I wonder if that creates issues for people in certain cultures where certain surnames are prominent, like the Vietnamese.  At my last job we had 3 Nguyens in our department, one man, two women.  Both the women had the surname Nguyen and both married a man with the same last name.  

I just decided to keep my last name, at least for now. Though I do sometimes get the feeling people don’t consider our marriage to be a happy and valid one *simply* because I kept my last name and don’t like wearing rings.

The real headache will come when we have children, anyway. Still trying to figure how we will name them since I’m not 100% comfortable giving my kids my husband’s surname only because he happens to be the male in the relationship.

No, Cooper-Montes de Oca or Montes de Oca-Cooper will never be an option. 🙂

Sliding gleefully down the slippery slope, (weeee!) these hyphenated names could get out of hand. If John Toby married Mary Arnott, and their child later married a distant cousin from the Toby family, their kids’ name would be Toby-Arnott-Toby.

If my daughter marries Bill Downs, and their kid marries someone whose ancestors come from the Upton, the De Swany, and the River families, their kids’ names could be Wade-Downs-Upton-De Swany-River.

For my unfortunate great grandchildren, faking one’s death and becoming John Doe would be a viable option.

 My husband and I considered inventing a hybrid last name, but when we couldn’t come up with anything cool, I just decided to take his. We did leave a LOT of traditions out of our wedding though including the garter toss (which symbolizes witnesses of consummation fighting over the bride’s undergarments as evidence) and my dad “giving me away” as I am not and was never his or anyone else’s property.  My husband and I walked down our respective aisles at the same time since we are very proudly equals :).

 That’s a win-win situation.

Where I’m from, it is customary for the wife to keep her “maiden” name and for the kids to take their last names from both the father and mother. However, this is not as egalitarian as it seems.
Everybody has two last names, one from the father and one from the mother.But the one you pass on to your kids is always the paternal one.

In CA both parties are given the option to change middle and/or last names at the time of marriage.

I chose not to change my name, and my husband chose the same. We don’t need the same name to love each other.

I would say with hyphens decide on a method such as the mother giving the maternal name and father giving paternal name or vice versa, and voila! a new name that has elements of both and still allows the generations to trace their family heritage.

I’m a man. I changed my name to my wife’s name because for one, I don’t see it as a big deal, so long as we have the same last name, and two, she had already been there, done that before and didn’t want to go through the hassle.

And when I say hassle, IT IS A HASSLE. As a man who changed his last name, I can tell you that society is VERY sexist when it comes to that. I’ve had official documents mailed to me saying that I needed more info because my request to change my name as “unusual”. Really.

I was told by one of the Nguyens that it was common for Vietnamese people in the past to take the king’s surname, and the last king was Nguyen, the one before him was Tran, and I believe the one before that was Le.  Could be similar thing in some other Asian cultures I guess.   I believe Sherpas have the same surname.  And many Sikhs will have the name Singh as a surname or middle name. 

My point was that you have a doubling of names every generation.  Pretty soon everyone will think that companies that have long names based on mergers, like Glaxo-Smith-Kline, were actually founded by one person.  

Why is it something to think about? There’s no requirement that the children take the same approach. If the kids decide that doing it the same way their parents did would make things too complicated, they can just do it differently.

Obviously.  Really I was mostly joking.  

I’ve been married for 36 years (to my one and only) and kept my maiden name. Our kids use his name – I figured that giving birth to them gave me primary ownership so using his name was giving him credit where credit was due.
Never had a problem except for the occasional individual who took offense at something that was none of their business.
Sort of of off topic, but I had a female friend (who uses her maiden name) who had to go to court to change her FIRST name. She had been using a first name since childhood as her legal name but it wasn’t on her birth certificate. Georgia passed a law that your state paperwork, including your driver’s license, has to have your full birth or legal  name on it. So they wouldn’t issue a drivers license with the name that was on her bank account, credit cards, checks, etc.
She had to apply to have her name legally changed. The judge heard 5 minutes of her request and said “Done!”

I want to start a tradition where each spouse just takes the other’s last name. That won’t be confusing at all.

 I love it! We also discussed hyphenated our last names, but some names just do NOT sound good together. I know a couple of women who use their “maiden” name as a first or middle name for their child–I always like this idea, and wished it was an option for us.

 McDanger would have rocked. I may have gone with Von Savage! (complete with !) if I had thought about it.

In Spain you can chhose the order of those two last names although is more common to just go with the dorm of first the father one and then the second one.

Well yes, that occurred to me as well, but then again you’d have to go back multiple centuries in many families to find a woman who had a last name not passed to her by her paternal family. Based upon that, I have decided that I own my last name even though it has paternal origins, and that the patriarchial implications of paternity and inheritance can end with my spouse and me.

This is a great option since it was much more difficult for my husband to change this name

Ditto pretty much all the way.  My 10-letter, 4-syllable, easily spelled last name was not as attractive to me as his 4-letter, 1 syllable last name.  And in addition to being complicated for him, it would have cost about $200, and we could not afford that in 1985. 

I will be celebrating 27 years of marriage in two weeks, and I can’t think of more than four occasions when anyone even called me “Mrs.” I took his last name, but I took it for my own, not as “what you do when you get married.  Maybe I give off that vibe, or just don’t travel in those formal, conservative or old-fashioned circles, but I am only very rarely treated like some sort of adjunct of Spouse. Usually in my hometown, (What does your husband do, honey?” rather than what do YOU do?).

 Don’t worry about it.  I am a girl and changed my name too, but mine had nothing to do with the patriarchy….I symbolically want to leave my ugly past behind.  I also CHOOSE to be a SAHM for the years right after my children were born.  The beautiful thing about atheism = CHOICE!!!  Women can CHOOSE what is best for their situations and their families!!!

 That “Mr and Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname” thing irks me at every wedding I go to!  Nice to see people doing their wedding their own way.

Since the male surname takes precedence, the grandchild get the grandfather’s surname and a new surname from his/her mother. So the grandmother’s name is lost.

Though legally, it’s now possible to give the mother’s name precedence. There are also some people who became famous by their mother’s surname. Pablo Picasso for example.

I think it might have been a product… We looked into it per- same sex marriage and it involved petitions, posting in the local paper, and about $2000 in fees

Indeed. My philosophy in all areas of relationships is that neither partner should expect anything of the other that they wouldn’t be willing to do themselves (and that includes what goes on in the bedroom). 

Here in Canada, there’s no legal difference that I know of in men changing their names vs women doing it. However, as some other commenters have noted, how companies treat people in practice may be a very different matter. 

I’m all fine and dandy with people keeping their own names, fine with hybrid and random names too.  it may be because the world i live  in but it seems like it would be easier to have one name (how ever the 2 of you choose what it will be)

but my question is, if you both kept your own names what is your kids last name gunna be?

He kept his. I kept mine. Our kids will have two, non-hyphenated last names. Whichever they choose to bequeath to their own offspring is something they can solve for themselves.

My sisters axed their maiden names completely because they were pissed at dad for not giving them middle names. He always told us we would get our middle name upon marriage. He was kinda shocked when sis did away with his surname altogether. If I’d been really adamant, I could have adopted my mother’s maiden name but I hate paperwork, even the minimal version women have compared to guys who change their names upon marriage. I decided I’d stick with my birth identity.

Other non-traditional things about our hitching:
– I said no ring. We exchanged high fives instead.
– we got married Vegas with an Elvis but did not elope. Immediate families were invited.
– I wore a black off the shoulder dress I bought two weeks before.
– my something old – my combat boots
– my something new- octopus tights

I just decided to keep my last name, at least for now. Though I do sometimes get the feeling people don’t consider our marriage to be a happy and valid one *simply* because I kept my last name and don’t like wearing rings.

*rolling eyes*

People who project their ideas about ‘marriage’ onto others are beyond annoying.  Marriage is what the people involved decide it’s going to be.  Period.

When my wife and I decided to get married, we talked about which of our names we liked more. It was hers, and so I changed mine. No big deal, for both of us. Some of the older relatives (and the more religious ones) were irritated, though. 

 Unless your mum has a different surname isn’t it part of your parents identity? Yes it’s in dictated by the fathers line. But in most cases the parents were married before having the child, so it is also your mums name and the name you grew up with.

So would say it is personal identity.

When I got married back in 1962 I didn’t know that I had any choice.  I thought it was the LAW that the wife lost not only her last name but her first as well.  I became “Mrs. Husband’sfirstname Husband’slastname”.  My first name was no more than a nickname once I was married.

If I had known I had a choice, I would have wanted to keep my own name, but my parents and inlaws would have had a major hissy fit and raised holy hell.

I expect that sort of thing back in 1962, but it still happens in the 21st century.  A young woman wanted to keep her own name, and her fella was fine with that.  But her inlaws made a dreadful fuss and pressured her into changing her name.  In this day and age!

We talked about merging our last names as a hybrid name.  In the end, she took my name, but it was in part because she had her father’s last name, and he had left when she was young, so she had little attachment to it, and wanted to change.  

I am someone who is currently divorced and single, and not planning on changing that anytime soon. However I have long thought that if I should meet some unfortunate woman who is daft enough to marry me that I would be quite happy for her to keep her surname. I have no plans on loosing mine (it’s an unusual spelling of a relatively unusual surname and I’m quite attached to it) so I don’t see why I have any right to expect my intended to loose hers. If she wants to change hers she’s quite welcome to of course.

When my husband and I got married we both “identified” as Christians so we did pretty much all the traditional things, including me taking his name. Looking back, I honestly didn’t even care about any of those things, I just did them because I thought I “had to”. Now, 3 years later, we’re both atheists and have had so many discussions about how we would do things differently if we were to get married today. But all in all, I’m not too upset that I took his name and because of the hassle there’s no way I’m changing it back now!

Well, if he does, it seems she’ll gladly accept that form of “correction”.  Since, you know, women are like children and can’t understand reason.  Therefore, when they need to be straightened out, hitting them is the only way they’ll understand.  It’s also a faster way for a man to get his point (and will) across.   Don’t need to even waste time with words.

My wife and I discussed this at length. I really wanted her to take my last name (we are both atheists) for selfish (I wanted it “just because”) and sexist (other may view me as less masculine if “my” wife didn’t take my name) reasons. I made this clear to her and in hindsight regret pressuring here so much to take my name, which she ultimately did.

That being said, she loathes her own father. He is a despicable man by many many accounts and carrying on his name had no value to her. This made the decision rather easy for her and I think she would have taken my name regardless, but I still wish I hadn’t influenced her decision.

I would have rather had her take her mother’s maiden name than her father’s.

This is my thought on it too – it’s really just a way to ensure we all have the same last name. In the end, I changed my last name because I didn’t really mind being the one to do it and it sounded nicer than hubby changing his. I also just added my maiden name to my other middle name.

At the end of the day, you should have whatever traditions you want – as long as you do them because you want to, not because you have to. I loved having my father accompany me down the aisle because I love my father. It had nothing to do with property.

It was put into effect by the California Name Equality 
Act of 2007. I am not sure if or how much same-sex marriage equality was involved. But it is was a good step.
http://www.cdph.ca.gov/certlic/birthdeathmar/Documents/CHS-NameEqualityActPamphlet-2010-01-Merged.pdf 

When my (now ex-) wife and I married, I told her it didn’t matter to me whether she changed her last name to mine. We even toyed with the idea of both of us changing our name to something new. She decided to keep her name since it was in the name of her company.  It made perfect sense to me and I never resented her decision. It also saved her a second round of name changing after we divorced.

I agree that men should never slap a woman in an argument. But I also think a woman should never slap a man in an argument either. I wish society had the same standard for each gender.

If, and this is a big “if,” I ever get married again, I will most likely change my name to hers. I have little emotional connection to my family anymore, and I believe it’s important that a couple which has agreed to spend their lives together (and likely have children) share the same last name. At the very least, it helps to avoid confusion with the children later, and helps foster a sense of “oneness” within the family.

Currently arguing about this with my other fiancée. She wants to either keep her name or hyphenate her name.  I’m fine with her keeping her name (although I would rather share a family name), but I can’t stand hyphenated names.  I don’t want to take hers as we don’t get along with her father and her brother holds the same first name as me and is constantly in trouble with the police. 

I have offered to take her last name as a second middle name, but the problem comes down to kids.  She wants the kids to either carry her name or hyphenate it.  I am close to my family and very close to my grandmother and have always looked forward to giving kids my last name.  This has only come up on the  last six months and we have been together for 7 years.  I am also happy to give them her last name as their only middle name.

Unfortunately she’s not budging and telling me that I’m being unreasonable.  I’ve also tried to compromise by asking to have the males with my last name and females with her last name, but she wont go for that either.

It’s looking like we are going to book into some relationship counselling as we can’t come to an agreement that both of us are happy with 🙁

On the off chance I ever get married, I don’t care about taking his name as I’m not really attached to my own, but I’ll change my email address (which contains my current surname) over my dead body.

IN SPAIN ALL CHILDREN GO UNDER THE MOTHER’S LAST NAME, MEN HERE ARE IGNORANT!  THIS IS THE LAW IN SPAIN…
This is how my country works:
Example:Father’s name: John Lopez ManoMother’s Name: Maria Ortiz Silvachild’s Name: Shelia Mano Silva
This is the LAW IN MY COUNTRY!  Child grows and gets married is:
Husband: Adam Smith SeizeWife: Shelia Mano Silva       (never changes name upon marriage)Child: Melissa Seize Silva2nd Child: Jonny Seize Silva
So notice that there are always 2 last names…and always Legally ends with the mothers!
why don’t women ever learn, It seems that there will never be an equality because women don’t want it!  Sorry, if you continue to go under a man upon marriage and half these kids are left without fathers, why don’t you put them under your name…Look at spain a european country where children are under their mothers and we know both sides because MOTHERS SIDE IS JUST AS IMPORTANT THIS ALSO PREVENTS INCESTS..I KNOW BOTH SIDES OF THE FAMILY TREE WHICH MAKES THE HOLE SIDE OF THAT CHILD…HAVING ONLY ONE LAST NAME SAYS I DO NOT CLAIM MY MOTHERS SIDE BECAUSE SHE IS NOTHING…AND NOT BLOOD RELATED!

You missed the point of the whole article.  She is recognizing that Christ is number one for both of them.

I came from a family of different last names and let me tell you…it’s heart that makes a family not last names! Parents put too much emphasis on what will “mess with their kids heads” let me tell you it’s neglectful parenting that messes kids up not different last names