Coming Out As An Atheist Isn’t Easy

I was baptized twenty years ago when I was 13.  I started doubting around age 18 and finally came out (to myself) a few years ago in my mid to late 20’s). 

I’m scared to death of officially coming out to my parents.  It’s quite likely that I will be shunned.  They may just refuse to speak to me until their dying days.  I hate that idea.

I have a child now and the dynamic has changed.  My parents and I video chat every day with my son (8 months old) sitting on my lap.  So far, as long as I keep quiet about my lack of belief, things are good.

I feel like with one phone call, I could be the guy in this post card.

I came out and told my family I’m an atheist and they told me, “you don’t actually mean it.” but I didn’t loose faith because of an event, I just researched enough about religion to realize it’s all one big lie to control the weaker minds of the world and profit from their ‘charity’. But asking an atheist to respect religion is like asking a black man to respect the KKK. Not going to happen anytime soon… My grandparents and one of my aunts keeps telling me about how good god is if I just let him into my life, but you all know where that argument goes when they start their circular reasoning/logic. I feel much better being open about it though and hope other closet atheists come out now that we can network together via the Internet and social media.

 Guy or gal in this post card. (Lady atheists represent.)

I have a cousin who – literally – threw his pregnant 16yo daughter out of the house in a snowstorm. In her pajamas. I literally tremble to think what might happen if one of their kids came out as an atheist!

This post secret really stuck out to me today. My Mom was pretty accepting, but my father’s side of the family hounds me on Facebook about it. I tried avoidance ( not responding to their messages) much to no-avail. After another message about it, I  blatantly said, “let’s agree to disagree” and still got hounded by a relative of mine. It hurts when your family rejects you.  But I think the worst thing you can do is lie to yourself or deny your feelings entirely to please your family.

I didn’t have a problem coming out to anyone as an atheist as I make fun of the whole god thing all the time.

Now only if my parents would stop throwing me back into that damn rainbow-colored closet…

Ugh, I still haven’t come out to anyone in my family. The worst is that, although I grew up in a conservative religious family, we weren’t crazy fundamentalist-types – just your standard, regular churchgoing Methodists. But as I started to question things and my faith gradually became much more liberal – while at a Christian college, no less – my parents joined a different church, got heavily involved, and began to get noticeably more conservative in their own beliefs.

Eventually I came clean about my much more liberal viewpoint (I was attending a United Church of Christ church at the time, very progressive and “open and affirming” to all sorts of people). Doing that was difficult enough, but my parents mostly seemed able to accept that while of course I was wrong and had been too influenced by people at my secular grad school, at least I was still a Christian, and we just avoided religious topics.

Now, for the past year or so, I’ve stopped attending any sort of religious services and have considered myself an atheist. And I’m terrified for my parents to find out. I’ve always had an incredibly close relationship with my parents, and I’m afraid that coming clean about this will mean an end to it. Not that they’d cut me off – I have no fear of them ever doing that – but that they’d be so incredibly disappointed in me, and that the fact of  my disbelief would constantly be coming between us, even in unspoken ways. I mean, in their minds, I’m facing eternal damnation, and not only would that break their hearts, but they’d feel duty-bound to do everything they could to bring me back into the fold. I just hate the thought of being the subject of so much disappointment and heartfelt prayers.

So, yeah. As much as I’d like to be brave enough to come out, I just don’t know when – if ever – I’m going to be strong enough to do it. Part of the problem is that I feel like I have almost no support network other than my family sometimes –  I live alone in a place where I haven’t made too many new friends, none who are declared atheists, and all of my old college friends are still devout Christians. So if my family were suddenly not there to support me, I don’t know what I’d do. It’s really frustrating for me.

(Sorry, I wrote a novel)

This is the most common of all the topics I get in the letters people send me; they speak either of their well-founded fear that their family will abandon them, or the heartbreaking reality that their family has done so.

Of all the destructive and hurtful things that religion can do, this, in my mind, is the most reprehensible, and the most incomprehensible. To think that a system of superstitions can override so primal and powerful a human instinct as familial love, devotion, and protection still leaves me in horrified awe every time I witness it. 

Nothing destroys religion’s credibility so thoroughly as this; nothing cancels out religion’s “benefits” so completely as this.

well said Richard,as a christian i couldnt agree more…but it really has nothing to do with christianity,this is a human response.choosing God is just that,a choice, and God dosent want it any other way,otherwise thats religion,and Hes so over that, but people love it,it helps to control things and people and gives them power . Most people who have children will be dissapointed or even devistated at the choices they somtimes make,but the older they get you realise they are adults and can make their own mistakes…the question you need to answer is if your children turn toGod what would yourown response be? no doubt you would try and make them see the errors of their ways im guessing!!!

This is one of the things I really despise about religion. That so many people are willing to abandon relationships with friends, family, and significant others solely because they don’t believe in an invisible-man-in-the-sky irritates me greatly.

 I suspect my cousin and her husband were a bit disturbed when their daughter became an evangelical Christian at university  (that part of my family is multigeneration humanist).   They accepted it and enabled her to go to Malawi for a summer to a mission school (the daughter mostly taught maths).   I understand the daughter has  moved to more mainstream Anglican in the years since.    Another cousin became Buddhist; the parents accepted it.   This is not to say all atheists/humanists/agnostics would be so accepting.

I’m a Christian, and reading through all your comments, I find it heartbreaking too.  In my own case, I know my family would love and accept me whatever my choices.  That’s not to say there wouldn’t perhaps be tears and remonstrations… but there would also be love, and that wouldn’t change (haven’t had cause to test them out on that particular issue, but there have been others…)

For me, this kind of blind cruelty represents all that is wrong with religion.  I believe people very often (perhaps even mostly) use religious dogma (whether it be Christian or something else) as a means of shielding themselves from their own humanity.  They can act from a platform of belief, rather than from the heart.  Or perhaps the problem is that it allows them to act unthinkingly from the heart, absolving them of responsibility for their own inhumanity.   I have not abandoned belief (to the frustration of some of my atheist friends 🙂 However, I do believe it should be grounded in love, and therefore something that helps you to explore the world confidently and honestly, with the freedom to think and question and to accept yourself and others.  And yes.  I am very aware how rare that is.  I’m so sorry to hear your stories.

solarsister,
Do what works for you in this regard, and shrug off any pressure from within or without about what might be the “virtuous” thing to do, such as being “brave.”  There is no absolute right or wrong in your decision. There is only, in your assessment, what might be gained and what might be lost.  Love your family and yourself as best you can. It’s never perfect.

 Richard – I’m working on it… trust me!  (& the hopeful news is that I’m far from the only one out there, even if we are a minority 🙂

 Facebook allows you to hide your posts from certain people. If they are responding to your posts, this might be an option (you can create lists and then block whole lists from seeing these posts). If they are just posting directly to your wall, then that is a harder issue. You might have to just delete their posts without reading them or if worst comes to worst, defriend them on facebook.

This is one thing I am really happy for in my life: I haven’t communicated with closed-minded and bigoted family members for years (since before I came out, my choice). So when I came out to my mom, I knew she loved me and it would be okay. As a smart and loving person she was able to still see me as her good student, her non-profit human services working, abused animal adopting, volunteering child. I know this isn’t typical, so I can’t be anything other than grateful to her that she knows and enforces to others that her daughter isn’t any different than she was before, other than the god thing. 🙂

Sorry about typos…autocorrect was off.

Nope. Evolution (or “darwinism”) is not equal to Atheism. 

I have 4 generally favorable experiences regarding ‘coming out’ and parent-child relationships.

My parents were very active Roman Catholics (they have both passed now).  ‘Coming out’ to them was one of the most challenging and emotional experiences of my life.  They must have suspected, as both of my children had passed the age for their holy communion, without receiving it.  When I revealed myselft to them, my parents were  disappointed.  My father was characteristically stoic.  My mother tried to propose that all moral behavior stemmed from religion, by asking  “Does that mean that you can kill people now?”.  I replied, “My conscience and societal expectations demand that I can’t.”  I believe she was too unprepared to explore any further.  The good news is:  Practically speaking, our relationships did not change.  I went on interacting with them as I always had.  And, they responded in kind.  The only anomaly was that when they celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary mass, they asked me to sing “Ave Maria”.  I consented because I knew it would make them happy.  For me, it was just a song.  I suspect they were hoping it would ‘bring me back’.

I then informed my brother and sister-in-law.  My brother queried how my children would be exposed to religious values.  More on that in a bit.  Curiously, my sister-in-law indicated that she felt that I should have more reason than anyone else to believe in a higher power.  This was due to the fact that we had almost lost my youngest son as an infant, but he had been saved by heart surgery.  I responded by saying that my son’s survival was a function of science, not faith.  Had he been born 50 years later, with the same condition, we would have lost him.

To my brother’s earlier point, in the midst of my revelation, my oldest son, through relationships with school friends, became involved in a local church teen club.  When my brother posed the question, regarding my children’s well-being, I told him with confidence that his mother and I supported his participation in the teen group and believed that he should be allowed to find his own path, rather than just adopt ours by default.  I think my brother was threatened by the implication that he might do the same with this children.  My son ultimately discontinued his participation, but maintains a relationship with some of the friends there.  And, my brother continued to treat me as he always had.

Finally, my sister-in-law, who lives religiously, would give my children religious gifts.  The gifts were not appreciated by my children and ultimately sat idle.  My wife and I finally asked to speak to her privately at a family function, and informed her of our beliefs and that her gifts were going unused.  We suggested that if she was compelled to give gifts of a religious nature exclusively, that our sons were fine with not receiving gifts from her, and would prefer instead that the money be donated.  Subsequently, she has honored our request by giving our son gift cards.

My advice to anyone looking to express their views to their family?  1) Wait until you are confident in your convictions.  2) If the situation becomes contentious, offer to discuss it further at a later time, when the issue is less raw.  3)  Continue to treat your family/friends with love and respect.  4)  Be an atheist who is a positive influence in their community.

Good Luck!

My mother believes in a god but that’s as far as it goes and I think my father is a closet atheist lol  My mom just rolls her eyes at me when I mention anything about not believing.  I am lucky that my parents are so accepting.  People at work are a different story though.  One of my coworkers told me she would no longer speak to me because she found out I was an atheist.  I just said, “Your loss”

When my daughter was young, I encouraged her to go to church and learn all she could about all different religions.  As she got older (she’s now 19) she has realized she doesn’t believe in a god and labels herself atheist.  No matter which avenue she had gone, I would love her no matter what.  I don’t see how parents can turn their backs on their children for that.

” God is just that,a choice, and God dosent want it any other way,”
Really? The choice God offers is love, fear, and worship me or spend eternity tortured in hell. Doesn’t sound like much of a choice to me. The Bible makes it clear that people outside of God’s-super-special-holy group are, at best, “less than”

With such divisiveness and hate baked into these “holy” books, it is very clear where the motivation of these parents who reject their children comes from.

I came out as an atheist in a very public way. I write (or was writing) a blog and one of my posts described why I’m an atheist, etc. Soon after, all hell broke loose. My older cousin, whom I’ve been incredibly close to for the past few years (she was like a second mom to me), told me that I was tearing the family apart, that I’m selfish, etc. It really broke my heart and our relationship has never been the same sense.

Two members of my husband’s family (his aunt an uncle) were so nasty to me about being an atheist that they actually ranted about me on Facebook in what I could only describe as cyberbullying.

On the other hand, my mother, a once-conservative Christian was actually very supportive when I came out. Funnily enough, in the last year or so, she has become extremely liberal and has come out as agnostic. It was such a drastic change and we’ve become a lot closer now that our values are more similar.

I wouldn’t say that I regret coming out. But it did mess me up for quite a while. I think it did make it easier for my husband when he came out as an atheist about six months ago. I guess people expected that if I don’t believe in god, there’s no way that he does, either since he’s the extremely logical/math/science guy in the relationship and I’m the emotional/English/writing one. 

It’s funny, though, that I came out as bisexual at the same time I came out as an atheist and haven’t gotten negativity from anyone about that. I guess in the south, not believing in god is worse than not being straight.

I’ve had plenty of lively and interesting discussions with Christians and other theists that I would never call “bible bashing.” My definition of “bible bashing” is when somebody incessantly quotes Bible verses without addressing any points and without making any points. Essentially, it’s fideism gone mad.

In regards to bisexuality: It’s the opposite for me. My siblings all know I’m an atheist, and I’m pretty sure my mom suspects (or already knows) and nobody seems to care that much (except one of my brother-in-laws). But the one time I tried to talk to my sister (the liberal one) about my being bisexual, she blew me off and said something to the effect of “that’s gross.” Since then she’s seen me with girls at parties and such and she doesn’t seem to care, but the fact that she won’t engage me in conversation about it at all is a little disheartening. Because of this I haven’t talked to anyone else in my family about my sexuality. It helps that I have a boyfriend, so the subject doesn’t come up often.

I’m still closeted with most of my family.  What gets to me is how much of an effort it is on my part.  My family members can talk about church and God all day long, and I’m fine with it because that’s how they live their lives.  If I so much as mention attending a CFI event, even if I’m responding to a direct question about what I did on a particular day, or if I politely decline to say grace, I’m “rubbing it in everyone’s face.”  I hardly speak around them because I am constantly censoring out the details I know they don’t want to hear.  They don’t flat out shun me, but they do silence me every time I say something that makes them uncomfortable.

My family complains that I’m drifting away from them, but I’m only going in the direction they’ve pushed me.

Me too, very similar situation. My parents know I don’t go to church, and every once in a while they bring that up, but I’ve never told them that I don’t believe at all anymore. I don’t think they would cut me off but that whole disappointment thing every time we talk – yeah, I think that would be there. I’m pretty sure they don’t know any open atheists. They live in a small town where everyone either wears their Christianity on their sleeve, or they just stay quiet. 

Eventually I hope you find some friends who are at least not so devout that you might be able to be more open with. Good luck.

It may be that people just don’t believe us married-to-men female bisexuals.  We don’t threaten the social order.

My parents “accept” my atheism by telling themselves it’s just a phase and I’m only doing it to shock them. The fact that I’m 41 and have been openly atheist since I was 27 is apparently irrelevant. They insist on talking to me about faith, praying with me (with, as in I’m at the table staring at the wall while they natter on), and discussing their latest church activities as if I’m right on board. Oh well, they’re old. I just chalk it up to the religion induced insanity they both suffer from.

I’ve generally only seen the phrase used with reference to the person not present. Ie it’d be correct to say “Now if I had run for office, I’d be Obama here..”

“My parents “accept” my atheism by telling themselves it’s just a phase and I’m only doing it to shock them”

Same with me, with the exception that I am still 18.

Edit: Why do religious people always say “Well, you have to believe in something” ?

 “I can’t be guilty of robbery, your Honor.  I let that man choose between giving me his wallet or getting shot in the face, and he freely chose the giving me his wallet option.”

Clever!! 🙂

I work with a women who’s son told her he was an atheist she got mad about it even though she has a wiccan daughter because according to her u have to believe in something. The idea that believing in something somehow makes u better is just ludicrous. I have a friend who is athiest in almost every sense but fells bad because he says non belief makes him fell empty and that he wants to believe. This is a cultural idea it is nonsense and it needs to stop