Name That Cathedral! February 8, 2012

Name That Cathedral!

By Hemant Mehta
February 8, 2012

Remember the Crystal Cathedral in Orange County, California?

In 2010, Crystal Cathedral Ministries filed for bankruptcy. Now, the building is in the possession of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Orange — they paid $57,500,000 for the place.

The Diocese doesn’t know what to name their new acquisition, though… and they’re asking for help.

This can only end well:

Before the building may be used as a Catholic cathedral several design and other changes must be made. In addition, the Bishop will re-name the site. You can be a part of that process by submitting your suggestion for the cathedral’s new name. The deadline for suggestions is February 20, 2012.

Following a review of all suggestions, Bishop Brown will determine the cathedral’s name and announce it at the appropriate time.

Bishop Brown has asked that any suggested name have a “Christological” relevance, that is, the name must refer to the nature and person of Christ or to his activities as illustrated by the gospels.

Reader Michael suggested a couple:

  1. Our Lady of Perpetual Phallic Symbols
  2. Holy Mother of God We Paid What? Cathedral

The problem is that those aren’t very “Christological”… if you have better suggestions, let them know!

And let us know in the comments, too 🙂

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  • Michael

    Okay, is there some nasty bible reference we can give a pious name to? Something like The Cathedral of Saint Blah’s Children where Saint Blah talks in the bible about the need to kill children or something?

  • Justin Miyundees

    How about St. Hideous’?

  • While their people starve. 

  • Scb0212

    Crystal Meth Cathedral?

  • Rick Thomas

    Christ, You Must Be Kidding!

  • His Invicible Tower of Christ’s Humility.  (acronyms are fun!)

  • Rick Thomas

    or maybe the Church of Christ the Carpenter

  • Annie

    Mine doesn’t fit their specs, but I think it should be called, “Our Lady of Gluttony (Patron saint of starving children)”.

  • John Alvord

    Let’s just quote Christ himself: “Suffer the Children Church”

  • Dan Brosier

    If they’re going to live in that glass house, can they keep throwing stones?

  • Duke OfOmnium

    Our Lady of Kitsch

  • ReginaldJooald

    The Eye of the Needle

  • I’ve seen this thing in person. It’s like something from Mordor.

    Thus I suggest St. Sauron’s Cathedral.

  • Annie

    Ursicinus of St. Ursanne:  the patron St. of stiff necks
    Rose of Lima: the patron saint against vanity
    Luke the Evangelist: the patron saint of glass makers

    I really had too much fun looking over the list of patron saints… I hope dinner isn’t burning! 

    http://www.catholic-forum.com/saints/patron00.htm

    They even have a patron saint against caterpillars!  And a patron saint of the internet? But my favorite combo is St. Drogo: the patron saint of unattractive people.  Who knew?

  • Troy Truchon

    Our lady of perpetual sticking it to the protestants?

    We bought your chuurch, neener neener neener…

    Seriousely, 95% of church activity seems to be marking territory with all the finesse and  class of a wayward golden retreaver who’s just ruined your carpet.

  • Anonymous

    My vote is for Pedophile’s Palace.

  • Marvin

    “Fortress of Holitude”

  • Jesus Christ, That’s Shiny!

  • Tim

    Can it be something Christ supposedly said, like “Den of Thieves”?

  • Duke OfOmnium

    With a name like Drogo, you shouldn’t expect pretty

  • Mej

    “Our Lady of Not Raping Children.”

  • $57,500,000 would feed a lot of hungry people. Why does an organization with that kind of money need tax exempt status again?

  • Church of the Ascension of Saints of God’s Army and the Righteously Divine.  Again, acronyms.

  • Annie

    And just think how many condoms that could buy?

  • Our Lady of Excessive Entanglement

  • Beat me to it.

  • Dcott

    The Dark Christal

  • Pablo

    It looks like in the current Catholic theology, Jesus had a much different relationship with the money changers than what is portrayed did in the Gospels. 
    ‘Jesus Wept Cathedral’ would be a good name for it. 

  • John Brockman

    Cathedral of Christ the Ooh!  Shiny! Wait, What?

  • Joel Hagan

    “Christ allows us to rape children…oh wait that wasn’t in the Bible cathedral”

    I have a feeling they won’t accept it

  • Robster

    How about “incense and reflection cathedral thingy”? Smoke and mirrors.

  • Michael Caton

    An article from a SoCal atheist blog for some local flavor:

    http://luckyatheist.blogspot.com/2012/02/crystal-cathedral-orange-county.html

  • Chriscomp

    Me too.

  • Gib

    “Our Lady of the Poor”
    “Poverty” (with a strikethrough)
    “Tithes at work”

  • Anonymous

    If they’re going to live in that glass house, can they keep throwing stones?

    That’s precisely the metaphor I thought of as soon as I saw it! 🙂  something like:

    ‘Welcome to Glass House:  stone-throwing not only allowed, but encouraged!’

  • keven lamontagne

    On a side note; Phillip Johnson, the architect who constructed the cathedral’s iconic glass sanctuary, was an openly gay man. Since Robert Shuller was very liberal and allowed anybody into his church the RPCC (Roman Pedophile Catholic Church) may have to perform an exorcist before moving in.

  •  There is that bit in Leviticus that declared children who swear at their parents have to be killed. Four verses before the ‘gays are an abomination’ verse, too, which suggests executing mouthy kids was a higher priority. I leave it to you to come up with a pithy name for that one, though.

  • Johann
  • Anonymous

    Spaghetti Monster Phone Home? I bet they can see that monstrosity from Mars!!
     
     Oh, right. The Catholics didn’t relight Copernicus’ candle until the turn of the millenium. I guess they don’t believe that anybody but jeebus could see them from space yet 😛
     
    How about Holy Mirroring Gallileo’s Blindness Batman! or Holy Shit, Step Aside Alexander.
     
    Michael and Mick wright:
    Sanctuary of the Million Martyred Discoballs? And Their Martyred Discoball Children?

  • Heintje

    Church of Our Lady of Calcutta

  • Anonymous

    I hope I’m not duplicating myself , here. My previous comment seems to have disappeared.  I’m back to this site after being away for awhile. The comment might just be stuck in moderation, but I had so much fun with it I want to try again.

    My pithy name for that:  How about Sanctuary of the Million Martyred Discoballs and Their Martyred Discoball Children?

  • Schuller’s Last Erection.

  • Elricthemad

    Tower of Babel Mk. II. Now in sturdy, shiny glass and hubris free!

  • Spear of Christ

  • Robyman444

    Cathedral of Almighty God’s Enlightenment. In short, C.A.G.E. 

  • NickDB

    Drat, beat me to it too. Although I was thinking “Needle Eye Cathedral”

  • Georgina

     Nice, I would like to see them “perform an exorcist” … can’t be any funnier  than all that ritual cannibalism stuff … or do they eat the exorcist? 

  • Gordon Duffy

    The Den of Thieves

  • Our Lady of the Evening. After all, they’re whoring for gawd.

  • The Temple of Christ and the Money Changers? 

  • Friendly Atheist?  Hemant, Hemant…look at you stirring up shit.  🙂  /proud

  • Anonymous

     Damn, beat me as well. I was thinking of mentioning a camel somewhere in the name, but yours is better.

  • Michael

    Light of Our Lady, Cathedral of All The Saints?

  • Ed L.

    The Money Pit.

  • Neilogue

    Mammon Basilica

  • Wendel

    The Homer Simpson Buttcrack Memorial Church and Rectory.

  • Here’s what I submitted: Our Wealth Is Just As Jesus Had Hoped For Cathedral, and Further Wealth Generator Center

  • T-Rex

    I submitted NAMBLA West as I thought it the most fitting name, given their rich history of pedophelia. I also considered, Christ’s House of Pedophelia and Superstition and Christ’s Haven for Delusional Bigots and Pedophiles. Meh, I doubt any of mine will make their top 10 list.

  • Anonymous

     Good thing thing then that still have some professional full-time exorcists in the Vatican

  • BelgianAtheist

    Cathedral of There’s Still Money Left After The Child Rape Settlements

  • Samantharey80

    Jesus’s Chapel of Matthew 19:23-24

  • Michael

    Crown Of Christ’s Kingdom

  • Anonymous

    I went with Gloria Ante Pauperes. Glory Before the Poor. And here I thought my Latin would not be useful.

  • The Other Weirdo

    Hall of the Hypocrites.

    Didn’t Jesus have an injunction against  praying in public, like those hypocrites over there? Didn’t he instruct his followers to pray in private, from the heart, and to avoid useless repetition? Didn’t he also immediately thereafter provide a pray to be used in useless repetition? Don’t have the exact chapter and verse, though, but I seem to remember reading it.

  • Anonymous

    Completely Bankrupt – Inside and out, then, now and forever.

  • Lionrampant Douglas

    Sacra Lancea, translated into English Sacred Lance. As in “Hello.. it’s called a lance.”

    As an aside.. I thought the Catholic Church was having money problems, I guess not?

  • Anonymous

    Cathedral of Holy Priestly Penetration.

  • Jeff

     How about “The $57,500,000 would feed a lot of hungry people but we thought it would be better put to use on this Cathedral” for a name 😉

  • GeraardSpergen

    Transubstantiation New Relation Station…   it helps if you imagine the train from School House Rock singing it.

  • Rt

    So, just to recap so I understand this correctly, the people who basically started out small by selling indulgences (afterlife protection money) to people who couldn’t afford it only to spend the money so ostentatiously that half of Europe ended up rioting and from there moved on to being a global organisation so powerful it thinks it can shelter child rapist from extradition in the Vatican (their own rogue state)… and who did this all while endlessly preaching a message that complained about other people (you know, old enough to be able to get pregnant) using contraceptives, that kept asking people to care about the poor and in the case of the unmarried or gay consenting adults… to practice abstinence… you know… for “moral” reasons.

    …they LITERALLY bought a giant GLASS HOUSE?

    And now you want me to come up with a joke? Something ironic perhaps, something to which the church leadership would be oblivious until normal people point it out?… These people LITERALLY bought a GIANT glass house?

  • Charlie Rasch

    Throwing Rocks Cathedral sounds like a great name to me.

  • Bodkin Nick

    christ cathedral of waste and opulence.

  • KrGuest

    “50 Million Tithed Dollars Can’t Be Wrong”?   OK, so it’s sort of an Elvis reference, not a Jesus reference, but you have to admit, their followers are similarly devoted (though Elvis’s tend to be able to dance better). 

  • Sean

    I went with Our Lady Of Unfortunate Implications

  • cathedral of the pharisees phallus 😀

  • Alex

    Do they have a patron saint of self-righteous bullshit?

  • The CC was featured during a TV program on what to expect during the next big quake, so maybe “Christ’s Seismic Martyrs”    – or something to do with being skewered by shards of glass.   Or maybe Christ-the-Slayer-of-Migratory-Birds.

  • Our Lady of Perpetual Agony?

  • “Suffer the Little Children Cathedral”

  • Pedophile Palace.

  • Anonymous

    I grew up right behind there in my pre-teen years of living in Garden Grove.

    My mom used to call this the Glass Gas Station, because it was a drive up church where you could stay in your car to hear the sermon.

    Not sure if the Roman Catholics will embrace a name like that.

  •  Dude, wasn’t Drogo one of the hobbits?

  • Our Lady of This Could Have Fed So Many Starving Children

  • Jett Perrobone

    How about simply “The Christological Cathedral”?

    Just because the term “Christological” makes me giggle. 🙂

  • C.Evans

    Orthanc?

  • Godanov

    The “Our Father Screwed Little Boys Too Cathedral”.

  • Annie

    Yes!  He was Frodo’s father, who died when Frodo was a boy (that’s why Frodo went to live with his distant uncle Bilbo).  He was heavy set, but no mention of being unattractive… by Hobbit standards, of course.

  • Lambert Heenan

    I submitted this…

    The Church of God Damned Waste and Corruption

  • Pedophile Protection Unit.

  • Deemer

    I submitted mine: “Bloody Christ We Did What Instead of Feeding the Poor?”