An Interview with @AlmightyGod September 26, 2011

An Interview with @AlmightyGod

There’s one place where it’s perfectly acceptable for atheists to follow God: On Twitter.

If you use the service at all, you may already be a fan of @almightygod. With nearly 25,000 followers, he may be the most popular deity out there, which, as we all know, makes everything he says totally true.

He was kind enough to answer some of my questions:

Do you exist?

I tweet, therefore I am. Besides, If I don’t exist, then who pops up the next tissue in the Kleenex box? Case closed!

Do you believe in yourself?

I don’t believe. I know.

All Christians claim to be “True Christians”… but they can’t all be right. So which sect has it correct?

I don’t want to spoil the exciting high-stakes guessing game I’ve set up, but I will say that it’s not a denomination that’s famous for raping children.

Who’s going to win the Republican primary?

Based on the crowds at the debates, the winning candidate will be someone who loves execution, hates gay troops, and thinks the uninsured should just die. But I don’t want to spoil the surprise for you, so keep tuning in to those debates. I’ll give you one hint: It will be a white man.

Why do you hate the gays so much?

It’s not so much that I hate them. They just gross me out… and they deserve to be executed and then roasted in hell for eternity. Other than that I’m fine with them, especially if they’re funny.

The platypus… Were you high when you created that one?

Yes, but that’s not why it turned out so strange. I had a box of spare parts left over after creating all the normal animals and I decided to superglue them all together and add some X-Men like electrolocation superpowers to the bill.

What’s your biggest mistake?

The flood. I shouldn’t have saved those 8 humans.

What’s your biggest secret?

I sometimes use my omniscience to watch people pee.

You must get a lot of action up in Heaven, no?

Well, ever since I kicked Asherah out and had her murdered along with her priests, goddesses just don’t want to come back to my place. I did put it in a human lady a few millennia back, but that turned out to be too much drama. So, I just do what any single dad would do. If I don’t answer your prayer, that’s probably what I’m up to.

You seem to pick on Third World countries a lot. What did they ever do to you?

People in Third World countries tend to die sooner than in rich countries. So, you might say that I love them more since I’m taking them to heaven sooner. And if they’ve never heard of Jesus before, they’ll go straight to heaven on a technicality. You’re welcome, Third World countries! See you soon!

Atheists say they just want some evidence that you exist. So why can’t you just give us some solid proof?

I could just offer some proof and take all the mystique out of it, but I’d rather hide myself from humans and then punish anyone who doesn’t believe the stories about me. I value blind faith and fawning more than informed camaraderie. If I offered a bit of proof, those inquisitive humans would just want more information and more intervention. It’s easier to just take a hands-off approach and then reward and punish people after they die. I’ve got to keep up my reputation for working in mysterious ways.

Will the atheists ever win and get everyone to stop believing in you?

No. And even if they did, humans will always be willing to believe in crazy things. I doubt that I need to provide examples.

Thanks to @almightygod for giving me His time… when he could probably have spent it saving lives or sending us the cure for cancer or something.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Anonymous

    Cool, can we have an interview with Sauron next?

  • Anonymous

    Cool, can we have an interview with Sauron next?

  • Adam Highway

    This is excellent. However, I have a question – is anyone else having trouble sharing links from Friendly Atheist on Facebook? I haven’t been able to share the love to a while now, and seems to be just THIS site?

  • Drew M.

    I loathe twitter with a passion, but this may make me reconsider.

    @google-b2c4c464feab9f56fe0115ce3ae82e08:disqus :  Yep. The script has been buggy for me on both Firefox and Chrome. I’ve taken to either copy/pasting the link or sharing off Hemant’s FA wall.

  • Patheos is aware of the problem and working on it

  • Trina

    What fun!  Maybe I should get on Twitter, after all.  Is there a Flying Spaghetti Monster on Twitter? 

  • nlitwiller


  • Anonymous

    Come on lets have some balance here! Wheres @Satan???

  • Johannsone

    How come God won’t follow back? This shows poorly.

  • jesus_m_christ is just a human impostor pretending to be my son/self. Thou shalt have no other twitter deities before me!

  • Thanks for the interview, Hemant. Because of your kindness, I’m upgrading your final destination from the 8th circle of Hell to the 6th circle of Hell.

  • Anonymous

    Here’s one for almightygod: Charity workers, saving people of the third world because I’m too busy answering your prayer for your team win!

  • Annie

    I knew it!  The almighty god is an atheist!

  • I will follow back, but you have to ask me into your heart (aka tell me your twitter username).

  • Anonymous

    wow, this seemed likely a wholly useless interview. Granted, I understand this was meant as satirical, but it just didn’t do it for me.  I have seen more thoughtful (and slightly more informative) anti-Christian satire done by people like EdwardCurrent on Youtube. 

    Dave, I feel like you could have had a much more meaningful interview, one that actually dealt with some of the issues you have with Christianity, and actually engaged Theists in discussion because of the interview, but instead this is merely another way for you to encourage other Atheists to continue to mock and berate the viewpoints held by others that oppose your own. 

    Hemant, I watched you when you came to Bloomington IL a year or so back, when you went there for “A Friendly Conversation between a Christian and an Atheist.”  Though i disagree with your viewpoint, It was encouraging to see an atheist who didn’t have a bitter agenda against theism/theists, and I have enjoyed the few chapters I had the chance to read from your book.  I didn’t expect that an interview such as this would be the kind of thing you engage in. I thought  you were all about having an open and friendly discussion with people of other viewpoints, rather than promoting the tired bashing of bitter ex-theists.

  • Adam Highway

    Thanks for the response! 🙂 

  • nlitwiller

    the closest i’ll ever come to having god actually speak to me…

  • Good Stuff.

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