Is This Pastor Typing in Tongues…? August 31, 2011

Is This Pastor Typing in Tongues…?

By Hemant Mehta
August 31, 2011

Most pastors who want to con you just say Jesus spoke to them.

Pentecostal televangelist Juanita Bynum II is taking the crazy a step further… she’s apparently “typing in tongues” now:

The Christian Post thinks this is newsworthy for some reason but they offer a bit more elaboration.

Bynum’s people aren’t responding to queries about what happened in the wall posts.

It could be alcohol. Or maybe she fell asleep in short spurts. Or perhaps a cat ran across the keyboard while she was typing. Or it’s possible that this is all just a ruse to get attention.

In any case, I guess it’s still more coherent than a YouTube comment thread.

(via Christian Nightmares)

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  • Rhonda

    I’m sure it was a cat running across the keyboard, I’m almost certain.  Lol!!!

  • This is the funniest thing I have read all day.

  • Entertaining Doubts

    Because Jesus hears you better when you YELL AT HIM IN ALL CAPS.

  • Greybeard

    Of course, god reads every word that is written on the internet.

  • Greybeard

    Of course, god reads every word that is written on the internet.

  • Entertaining Doubts

    It’s the mysterious divine language of Ceiling Cat! I can haz Jezusburger?

  • griffox

    I can still speak in tongues even though I’m a godless heathen. I think if I was going to type in tongues, I would at least try to sound-out-spell the gibberish. I think even god’s special language needs an occasional vowel. 

  • Fritzy

    It was self-indulgent attention mongering bullshit–much like it’s oral equivalent.

  • cbc

    The comments on that Christian Post article make my head hurt. Those people are seriously debating whether it’s “speaking” in “tongues.” I can’t even….

  • Entertaining Doubts

    Well, Hebrew apparently didn’t, at least when written — which I understand has caused all sorts of interesting translation snafus over the centuries. But I get your point. 🙂

    I’d be more likely to turn to something like Vogon poetry from the Hitchhiker’s Guide: “Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes / Or I shall rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don’t.”

    Tell me that isn’t at least as intelligible as some of the stuff in the KJV. And sounds just as purty, too!

  • Brb. Dying.

  • StarStuff

    I’m also a “recording artist”.  Of course you are.

  • StarStuff

    “that’s what’s carved in the rock!” 

  • I
    counted 8 misspellings in her tongue typing. How about you?

  • ACN

    This may have been the stupidest thing I’ve seen all day, and I’ve been reading a lot about Rick Perry…

  • Oh this is so wonderfully contrived, so delightfully transparent, so hilariously phony.  I immediately thought of the cave scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Aauuugghhh…
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiT_5cr3tYI

  • “Jezusburger,” oh my. Is it cannibalism if he’s not really human, being half-divine and all that?

    Would that be the Half-Celestial template, or do we need a new race to cover it?

  • George

    So is she speaking in fingers?

  • StarStuff, looks like you beat me to it. Enjoy the link I posted below. 😀

  • Carmen Zepp

    Just when I thought the crazies couldn’t get any crazier…

  • Anonymous

    Oh man. I have never understood the CHRISTIAN need to randomly CAPITALIZE words, someones one THAT don’t even make sense. I never see that sort of NONSENSE elsewhere, except perhaps satirical posts LIKE this one. >.>

  • Anonymous

    Webmind?

  • Anonymous

    Webmind?

  • Anonymous

    Dyslexia is clearly divine.

  • godless lib

    “Christianese” is all nonsense anyway. Those posts would honestly still be incoherent even without the keyboard tourettes.

  • there’s a couple of words hidden in there ‘fur’ ‘rung’.  Would be funny if spelt some swear words – lots of F, U, C in one 

  • what they actually say ‘in tongues’ is easier to pronounce than her typed ramble 

  • Charles Black

    Perhaps he was frustrated that Jesus wasn’t answering prayers from his keyboard & decided to type in ALL CAPS to get attention from his sky daddy.

  • Anonymous

    GOD HATES RIGHT-HANDED TYPING!

    No seriously now, if you look at what she wrote, you’ll notice an abundance of letters easily available to your left hand as you type (C, X, D, F, V). The other most common one is N, which you type with your right index finger.

    God apparently also hates vowels.

  • Janvierdehomme

    I think shes trying to write spirit language with keyboard. What a stupid !

  • When I read the bible, speaking in tongues was more like a babel fish. You spoke normally and people heard you in their own language.

    The point of the miracle, as far as I could tell, was that the mad preachers could be understood by everybody.

    What church people now do as speaking in tongues seems like the opposite. They made crzy noises and are understood by *nobody*

  • The stupid. It burns…

  • Anonymous

    Thats too funny! What a kook! Sadly though people probably fall for it.

  • Hemant said: “Or it’s possible that this is all just a ruse to get attention.”

    Mark replies: ALL so-called “praying in tongues” is a ruse to get attention. These people’s lives are very small, or at least that’s how they perceive themselves. Having god smack you with his magic wand so you spout words no one understands is a good way of feeling more important.

  • Poolio

    Love this one:

    I
    WILL START TODAY EXCEPTING NEW FRIENDS ON MY SPACE….LOVE YALL
    …..SEEEEEEE WE CAN STILL BE FRIENDS…AINT GOD GOOD!!!!!! LOL MEET YOU
    THERE..TODAY!!!!!!

    Yeah, she’s excepting new friends on Myspace.  She can “except” me if she’d like.  I would have thought that allowing unlimited friends was the more work of Myspace product managers and engineers, rather than of God himself, but what do I know.  I also seem to have the ability of using one punctuation mark at a time and of locating a Shift key, so clearly we’re coming at this from different angles.
     

  • Anonymous

    Imagine this happening to a slow typer.

    “B… F… B… hold on a minute, Lord, I can’t find the X key…”

  • Annie

    Vulchers???

  • Rufus

    It can’t be a normal cat walking across the keyboard – all three of mine, when they walk across my laptop keyboard will somehow manage to pause for just long enough while stood on the power button to switch it off.

  • Anonymous

    Blargle..

  • Renshia

    There are no limits for the crazies, to find new ways to be crazy. That is what makes them such an interesting source of entertainment.

  • leet

    Look, she’s just inventing her own text-speak. For example, she’s talking about “taking the case” in the first one:

    NGNVGTGDGCNGL = NOW GOD NEEDS VERDICTS. GET TOGETHER DEARIES, GO CHANGE NO-GOOD LAWS

  • Anonymous

    Install PawSense to be sure:

    http://bitboost.com/pawsense/

  • Anonymous

    I’d like to buy a vowel Hemant.

  • anon

    i was thinking it was for spam busting

  • dauntless

    The Holy Spirit needs a spellchecker.

  • Heisenberg

    God is SKYNET.

  • Drew M.

    My first thought was, “that’s not cat-like typing.”

  • *gigglesnort*

    I think Half-Celestial would fit quite nicely.

  • That was my first thought, too. “Gerrof the keyboard! …damn cat…”

  • I’ll admit to getting lazy and using all-caps as emphasis at times. But yeah, just caps-ing random words is really. annoying.

  • Bat. Shit. Crazy.

  • But what class, and what level? 

  • I once typed in tongues. I had just come back from a corporate party where, let’s just say, libations flowed freely. I made the mistake of getting on a messaging service with a client. She was laughing about it the next day, saying I typed some sentences that vaguely made sense, then some gibberish, and then disappeared. I only remember the few sentences.

    Maybe that’s this pastor’s problem: alcohol, the solution to and cause of most of the world’s problems.

  • Not sure about level, but Class? Oh, I think he’d probably dual-class, Monk and Mage, perhaps?

  • Really? I was thinking cleric, or something similar. How many classes can  cast Raise Dead?

  • Yeah, but what about the Water Walking? No Cleric can do that! (I don’t even know if a Mage could, either, but I suppose there’s probably a player-generated spell out there that’ll do it.)

  • She isn’t typing in tongues! Her keyboard is just broken.

  • If you have ever heard of the game called Dominions 3 one of the factions you can play as are called Ermor. Their history basically starts of as “Jesus appears forming the new roman faith, Jesus dies saying that he will come back and resurrect the dead”.

    Mid era, Jesus appears again, the dead walk around. 

    Late era, Only The Dead walk around. You have no living subjects, infact your lands kill those who live there (rather sharpish) re-animating them as zombies and then raising the already dead as skeletons. If you have a castle there they equip the skeletons as legionnaires. 

    It’s basically a send up of a single line of the bible that implies Jesus has necromancy powers.It’s also one hell of a powerful faction, slow burning but one hell of a hitter towards the mid and late game.

  • I’ve never even heard of it.

  • Clr 3/Rgr 3, 1 standard action, V,S,DF, 10 min/level, one creature per level

    http://www.d20srd.org/srd/spells/waterWalk.htm

    Double-checked my PHB too, it’s in there. Unless you’re talking about 4th ed, then I’ve no clue. I lost the usb drive that had my 4th ed books (but I don’t think 4th ed uses templates?)

  • Although, ruling a land that kills those who enter and making them undead does sound fun.

  • A mage could probably fake it with Levitation, and maybe a little illusion.

  • Well then check out their website. It’s a pricey indie game but it does have updates and regular content provided for it and it is an excellent game. 

    High learning curve but quite rewarding. 

  • IDK, DDO uses 3.5, and that’s what I’m familiar with. (And I’m too lazy to look it up.)

  • Good point.

  • Ah, well DDO has it’s differences,partly because of the online format. The spell might not be there.

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