I’m a Better Christian Than Those Christians

You know those Saturday Night Live sketches in which Kristen Wiig plays a woman who has to one-up everybody she meets no matter how absurd it gets?

Well, here’s what the Fundamentalist Christian version of that character would look like:

You don’t believe in kissing before you’re married? Well I don’t believe that married people should be intimate on their wedding night either. That time should be spent in prayers for their marriage and asking to be blessed with children as quickly as possible.

You don’t shop at stores that sell alcohol? I don’t shop at stores where any of the employees even drink alcohol. And I know because I ask each of them personally.

…

You only let your children court instead of date? Well I never let my son court a girl unless I’ve been taking her out myself for at least a year to make sure she’s a good and godly girl. And so far they’ve all been trollops.

…

You go to church three times a week? Sometimes I go to church during the middle of a week day, stick a mirror on the front pew and preach to myself for an hour. It’s always good stuff too…

What other examples can you think of? 🙂

(via Stuff Fundies Like)

Sombrello

well’ I think it’s fun and enjoyed your article. That said, I think we should leave them alone with their weird ideas, laugh at them, pity them, but basically think about something else than them (for example how to defend ourselves from them). I live in a country where they often open the tv news with something the pope said, so I’m really fed up. Kisses, £
Anonymous

my take on some xtians i have known: “lord help me to be humble. i want to be humble. i wont be proud. i will be humble before the lord…and other xtians. i will be sooo humble! i’m really humble. i’m so so humble….way more humble than my neighbor!” and so on.
billybobbibb

I’m calling Poe on this one:

“You only listen to hymns? I only listen to a capella hymns performed bypeople with whom I am in complete doctrinal agreement. Most of my cassette tapes are of Mama.”
Heartfout

“I’ve been taking her out myself”Did she just say she’s found a way of stopping her son from dating, grabbing herself a temporary girlfriend and still claim the moral high ground on the dating issue?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJXKVOxqkWM
The Captain

I’ve actually talked with people who thought that the “new” christian music (a subject I could write a few pages about everything that’s wrong horrible with it anyway) was a gateway to “rock” music and satin, and they only listened to, and let their kids listen to old timey gospel music.
PJB863

I once worked with someone who stated that she donated all her wages to a church charity and lived off of what her husband earned. She was a computer programmer. Her husband was a plumber though, so he probably made more money anyway.
Danny Fairchild

You don’t think homosexuals are saved? Well I don’t think homosexuals are people. I have two pet homos back at my house. I keep them in separate cages, of course.
Danny Fairchild

You don’t think homosexuals are saved? Well I don’t think homosexuals are people. I have two pet homos back at my house. I keep them in separate cages, of course.
Hegysomeguy

As a former evangelical, I am sad to say that MANY such people really do exist. Usually they brag about how often they read the bible and pray.
Danny Fairchild

You use faith healing instead of medicine? I don’t even give my kid a Kleenex. I pray the snot out of his sinus cavities.
Danny Fairchild

Oh, you don’t sleep with a woman while she’s having her period? I don’t even use a period after the word “woman”
Anonymous

I would only marry a woman who would have a virgin birth. And as for that guy Joseph, I wouldn’t go anywhere for a census or to be taxed. And any son of mine would have 30 wise men show up.
Rabid

Yes, damn that satin. A good Christian should stick with good ol’ Godly gingham. And chintz.