Jen McCreight Bait June 30, 2011

Jen McCreight Bait

By Guest Contributor
June 30, 2011

This is the Bible you wish you had as a little girl.

Right? Right. Because otherwise, you’re clearly a bad Christian and not very feminine at all…

Discuss:

A full-text Bible in sparkling pink binding appeals to the inner princess of every girl.

With a princess presentation section in the front and four-page color section in the back, this Bible in the New King James Translation will be an instant favorite.

Jeweled snap-flap closure.


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  • Where do I sign up to become an atheist?

  • Kerri

    Want. Seriously… that would make a perfect altered book! Where is that credit card…….

  • Nakor

    Personally, I’m just enjoying skimming the reviews. There’s a few price comments in there lol.

  • abadidea

    Sorry. The New King James translation is a heresy. It wouldn’t have been allowed at my school.

    But I can totally see my grandmother getting me that – even now that I’m an adult – and expecting me to be tickled pink.

    No pun intended.

  • Actually- though Jesus wants little girls to grow up and be magically feminine, he still knows what’s on the inside of the heart and if the inside of your heart is not beautiful … the kind of beauty that can only be found by being washed in his blood- the outward appearance doesn’t matter to him… at all! This Bible represents a world that believes works/appearances matter more than faith, grace and love/the heart. Jesus doesn’t give a shit about Bedazzled Bibles – or the little shits that carry them around if the little princess in question hasn’t dedicated her heart, soul and vajayjay to him… for eternity… like I have.
    How’s that for discussion?

  • Rich Wilson

    Oh my poor nieces…

  • middlewest

    But does Jesus sparkle like a pretty vampire? Does he?

  • Miles McCullough

    wut
    This is mockery, right?

  • Pretty pink covers don’t hide the nasty things that happen inside. Maybe they should change that too:

    Now Adam held hands with his wife, Eve, and the LORD put a tiny, tiny baby inside her belly. When she gave birth to Cain, she said, “With the LORD’s help, I have produced a cute little baby!” Later she gave birth to his brother and named him Abel.

    When they grew up, Abel became a shepherd, while Cain was a silly gardener. When it was time for the harvest, Cain presented some of his silly little crops to the LORD. Abel also brought a gift — the best of his firstborn lambs from his flock because they’re so cuddly. Plus, it was pink and flecked with gold! The LORD accepted Abel and his gift, but he did not accept Cain and his silly little gift. This made Cain very angry and he looked sad.

    “Why are you so angry?” the LORD asked Cain. “Why do you look so sad? You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! You might get bullied and be miserable!”

    One day Cain suggested to his brother, “Let’s frolic in the fields.” And while they were in the field, Cain pushed his brother down, and he couldn’t get up again.

    Afterward the LORD asked Cain, “Where is your brother? Where is Abel?”

    “I don’t know,” Cain responded. “Can’t he take care of himself?”

    But the LORD said, “What have you done? Listen! I hear your brother crying! He scraped his knee. You have to go sit in time out, and no more silly garden tools for you!”

    Cain replied to the LORD, “But that’s not fair! People will pick on me now!”

    The LORD replied, “No, because if they do I will spank them.” Then the LORD put a mark on Cain to warn anyone who might try to pick on him. So Cain left the LORD’s presence and settled in the land of Nod, east of Eden.

  • JJR

    This reminds me of the snarky tween-girl atheist on YouTube that PZ linked to awhile back, reading through the bible highlighting Yaweh at his usual worst…she was awesome & funny. Smart kid!

  • gwen

    The reviews made me want to throw up…

  • m

    I can only imagine how disappointed an ultra-feminine little girl would be after actually reading her “Princess” bible. I’m assuming they haven’t changed the content.

  • Stan

    Love it! I think it would make a right fine campy gift for some of my gay male friends (or me, for that matter). However, I’m sure I would totally get the side eye were I to attempt to buy one at the Christian bookstore.

  • Jonathan Figdor

    Seriously? “Princesses of all ages”?!?!?!?!

  • Stephanie

    I always prefer my bigotry and sexism in a cute, little, pink wrapping. The fact someone’s gone nuts with the bejeweling tool is just icing…

  • Every little princess needs to learn how much God dislikes girls.

  • My niece (7) has a similar bible since a couple of years… although hers is the King James Version, I believe…

  • Huma Therman

    skimming through these comments…

    I bought this bible for my daughter after she accepted the Lord Jesus as her savior. My little princess loved the look of it, What we didn’t love is the terms used in it. While the KJV says that Adam knew his wife Eve and she conceived , this Bible will explain that Adam had sexual relations with her! I am disappointed greatly in this. I am not prepared to explain that to my 7 year old quite yet…. If you buy this be prepared for this statement every time the Bible says they knew their wives….

    a seven year old is mature enough to “accept the Lord Jesus as her savior” but not to learn how babies are made.
    Nice.

  • Claudia

    @Miss Coconut please tell me that you made that up and that’s not the International Childrens Bible actual text? Spank? You’re joking, right? Please?

    I can think of little you could do to that book cover to make it less attractive to me as a child. So what will the “boys” version be like? The Bible is certainly more stereotypical boy friendly. I’m guessing you could bindi it in black leather, use a spattering of fake blood and an illustration of any one of the countless god-sanctioned massacres of men women and children. I don’t think it would be for every child, but it would be more accurate than a bloody pink bejeweled tiara!

  • Larry Meredith

    Damn. I wish I were a princess too.

  • On the inside, does it read, “According to this book, you’re worthless and inferior”?

  • WTH!

  • Are there unicorns in it?

  • JD

    I think this woman will get one:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gKvpnLMSl4

  • The Man Version

    The cutout on the cover looks like a bedazzled pink penis. Consistent, but not entirely appropriate.

  • OverlappingMagisteria

    Hilarious!

    I want the boy version with tanks and bombs on it. At least that one would be more descriptive of the content.

    You know, although there are real princesses nowadays, most people associate them with fairy tales nowadays. So maybe it is a fitting cover.

  • WingedBeast

    So, cute, pink, sparkly surrounded murder, torture, and rape at the command of God.

    When marketed to children, I can only imagine it’s either being marketed by people who haven’t actually read it or to people they hope won’t read it.

  • Alone in the Light

    I’ve been on this blog daily for several years now but I’ve never really commented for the following reason (i.e. fear)I am an atheist who works for a christian children’s media company. In other words the company makes all sorts of horrible cartoons with weird skewed bible messages and tons of products aimed at children as young as five.

    As you can imagine its a really tough job. I’ve seen the clients ask for and do things that I think are deliberately harmful to kids or …as a non-christian just leave me confused as hell.

    I have in fact held this bible in my hands because I was asked to use it as a reference for some cartoon scripts.

  • therovingrockhound

    Claudia:

    One of the reviews on Amazon complains loudly that there is no boys’ version. She says it should be in the theme of “God’s Chosen Warriors”. Hm.

    I feel a bit sick after reading the reviews. Pink and brainwashing together. Blegh.

  • Steve

    @hoverfrog
    Yes. There are unicorns in any Bible

    http://www.bible-topics.com/Unicorn.html

  • “Full color princess section” Oooh! I wonder if they illustrate all of the horrible things that the Bible says you can/must do to “princesses” of all ages…

  • Claudia

    @Alone in the Light I’m sorry to hear that. I know the economy is bad and so this might not be an option right now, but I would urge you to change jobs as soon as it is feasible. Not only would you be better off in a company that allows you to live openly (I’m guessing DC comics, for instance, has a lot of atheists) but you would have the added benefit of knowing you are not contributing to the indoctrination of children. I know a man/woman’s gotta eat, so I’m not in any way suggesting up and quiting, but that you keep your eyes towards the exit whenever possible. Good luck!

  • Carlie

    There’s a whole little subculture of Christianity calling women “princesses” and urging them to think of themselves that way.

    See here for the website of the most prominent purveyor of the crap, including possibly the most disgusting aspect of it, here.

  • Lee

    How ironic. The cover says you are a princess—the actual content of the Bible says that women are the property of men and are subhuman, and that their bodies are unclean and shameful.

  • Tom Bourque

    Jesus was all about the bling.

  • andy nonomus

    Hemant, if it pleases the court, allow me to one up you.
    http://imgur.com/8I72L

  • Claudia:

    @Miss Coconut please tell me that you made that up and that’s not the International Childrens Bible actual text? Spank? You’re joking, right? Please?

    Yes, it’s made up. I just mean, how will a fluffy pink and sparkly cover make what’s inside any better? And then the people complaining it says ‘sexual relations’! It’s not terrible that women are raped or people are murdered, but they don’t want their kids to know how babies are made! Bit deranged, isn’t it?

  • Scramble
  • Alex

    It’s kinda like Helly Kitty M-16 or something. Cute, but very disturbing.

  • Alex

    Damn it, where is my edit button? Hello, of course. Although, somewhat Freudian, too.

  • AmyC

    Holy crap, I saw a little girl at work with one of these bibles (or one like it). They were a family of 7th Day Adventist. I know that because the kids were in their school uniforms and the shirts had the name of the school on it (I think it was embroidered on the pocket or something).

  • Timothy

    Damn, I hate girls who have the princess attitude enough as it is, now it’s going to be that plus annoying scripture?

  • Amarantha

    @Timothy: Don’t hate the girls. Hate the gender-role-obsessed conformist culture that creates them.

  • Oh… oh, man. MY EYES!

  • I had a pink and tacky fabric bible cover as a child. It was lacy pink fabric with a white lace trim. I’d forgotten all about it until I saw that

  • Chade

    @Scramble Yep. You win.

  • everettattebury

    If they make a SpongeBob Bible I will totally buy one.