Which is Worse?

I’d imagine a gay person coming out in a religious family would be the hardest of all. How many are driven to suicide?

Without question, coming out as gay was much more difficult. At least as (only)an atheist you’re still following through on almost all of your cultural obligations. You’re still heteronormative, and that makes things pretty easy for my straight and atheist friends. But I think that may be typical for Midwestern towns, where Christians aren’t as hardline/fundamentalist/evangelical.

I came out as gay before my family knew I was an atheist. That was a more difficult internal struggle, but now being gay and atheist have had separate repercussions that continue to be difficult to deal with.

I’d rather be a gay atheist than a Christian. Likewise, I’d rather have a gay atheist child than a Christian child.

I get the feeling that my parents know I’m bi (does this count? XD ) but, I would rather tell them that than to tell them I’m an atheist as they’re hardcore mormon. And seeing that my dad is already pushing for me to go to church, every damn week, the sooner I could move out and be on my own, the better for me.

Some of my friends are gay, and they had a very hard time coming out. I am an atheist, and coming out to my Christian parents was not easy. However it was better then what my friends went through. Over all I am very happy with the result of my coming out. My parents took about six months to a year to be okay with me being an atheist, but now they don’t think anything of it.

I am not gay but I would think it would be more difficult to out oneself as an atheist.

I think deep down despite all the denial (most) christians know that [*]sexuality is not a conscious choice one has control over – it happens as a result of genetics and therefore determined from birth (possibly, among other factors). Whereas to disbelieve in god is a more conscious choice (for most) that involves weighing evidence and logical reasoning. I think it might strike more of a nerve for xian parents to know that their child has rejected them after a conscious choice.

I’m an atheist but not gay. I still haven’t come out to my fundamentalist Xtian father and I probably never will. He’s sick and I decided it’s better not to upset him. We don’t live together so it’s not like I have to pretend 24/7. If I was gay I think it would be equally difficult.

I think what is more difficult depends on your personal environment. If your are surrounded with moderate/liberal Christians then coming out as gay might be less difficult.

The society I live in is pretty homophobic. Atheism is not considered as horrible here though as in the US. That’s society. But for my father, who is a fundamentalist, I think being gay and an atheist are equally horrible.

Well I am a gay atheist and I have come out as gay, but not as an atheist. I actually do think it will be harder to come out as an atheist than when i came out gay. My family pretty much accepted it well that I was gay. The only thing that happened was that my dad said when I told him “you have got to be kidding me”. But the rest took it well. The problem is I have a fundamentalist aunt who weirdly enough accepts the fact that I am gay, she had a gay son, but would probably try to convert me if she knew.

In away I think there is more of a taboo now to be an atheist than to be gay. As a side note I have told a couple people I am an atheist and they accepted it pretty well. They were fairly non-religious anyway.

Isn’t it sad that people are this afraid to come out as an Atheist?

We’re afraid of saying we aren’t gullible and don’t believe things simply because we are told they exist.

Although, maybe this just means people are becoming more tolerant of gays (which, even as a straight person, I see as good :D) and not less tolerant of atheists. Or maybe it’s both.

BTW: My mother is still the only one who knows I’m an Atheist.

In the US (as elsewhere) a LGBT person is consistently under attack by politicians, religious leaders and pundits. Their behaviour may, and probably does, colour a family’s response to coming out, if only in terms of “what will the neighbours think”.
Parents can always fool themselves that they can bring their atheist progeny back to the fold; a gay person will be perceived as forever lost to normality by a Christist family.

I live in the middle of the bible belt. My therapist and I have actually discussed this very subject. She likened my fears of telling my christian parents and friends about my Atheist beliefs to that of a gay person coming out of the closet. She stated that the emotions and reactions from most religious fundamentalists would be very much the same: shock, anger, intolerance, fear, etc.

The fears and anxiety I’m experiencing are very real. I told a christian friend in confidence and he completely came unglued. Another coworker moved to another department after my so-called friend told her, because she “didn’t want to be around evil”. so much for friends.

I hinted at my non-belief to my father, who immediately shut himself down emotionally. I will never tell my mother, because she would just freak.

While I’m not gay, I now have a better appreciation of what gay people go through when they are afraid of coming out. I also have a better appreciation of the struggle they’ve gone through to get acceptance.

anyway… to answer the question posed.. I would say coming out as an Atheist depends on your location and circumstances. Middle of Oklahoma? You’re going to have a hard time. Middle of NYC? Nobody will probably care.

My mom was much more upset that I am an atheist than she was to learn that I was bi or that I had been in a poly relationship for many years.

When I came out as an atheist to my family I was utterly terrified, (We’re talking curling-up-in-a-ball-in-the-corner-and-rocking-back-and-forth terrified) and I still haven’t summed up the courage to tell anyone but my parents. But I’ve never really been as scared by the though of telling my parents I’m gay. I’m not gay, or at least I’m pretty sure I’m not (I’m 18-I think I’d probably know by know) but I made up my mind a long time ago that if I was, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. And my parents are…well my dad’s super conservative, and he’s made it very clear that he thinks homosexuality’s wrong, but I’ve noticed that my mum’s become a bit more open minded ever since she found out I’m pro-gay. So in short, I know I can’t really compare, but I definitely sympathize with whoever made this picture.

Without a doubt I’d say coming out as atheist was more difficult for my family but easier for me.

When I came out as gay my mother had found a mgazine (The Advocate) and asked me if I was gay….and I merely said yes. She had trouble looking me in the eye, but in the end it was calm.

When I came out as atheist my mother screamed at me, telling me I was going to Hell, that I had nothing to live for. There were accusations that demons from the internet had possessed me.

I suppose that a lot of the trouble with me being atheist was that I had led her to the faith when I was young (around 10). So this was, in essence, betraying her. In her mind the very person that saved her soul from Hell was now willingly leading himself into Hell and that was way worse than anything else.

Coming out as gay was something I was forced to do and my mother had time to process it before confronting me. Once cornered, I found it very easy to come out at that point, but the fact I refused to do it on my own was testament to my utter terror at the prospect. I, perversely perhaps, supposed that being atheist was not nearly that big of a deal. I didn’t really fear coming out as atheist as much as I viewed it as not their business, but it turned out to wound them very deeply.

I came out as a gay guy first, and then as an atheist, like, ten years later – so the gay one was much more difficult. I did pave the way for my brother and sister though, they have a much easier time not fitting into the straight white protestant expectation.

Interesting how Christians are so often painted as practicing homoophobia.

Hmm, kind of looks lately here that there’s a real Christophobia developing.

Whichever revelation comes first, I think, is received the most poorly, because both will typically shatter a “good Christian” family’s belief in itself as a “good Christian” family. The second revelation just ices the cake, so to speak.

I came out as an atheist first. It was a controversy that stretched on and on for months with plenty of arguments (I’d call them debates, but I was really the only person debating). About a year or two later, my mother asked me if I am a lesbian (despite the fact that I live with my male fiance). Being bisexual, I told her that. She never brought the topic up again, probably assuming it is a natural outcropping of my atheism, since the one and only question she asked in response to my answer was “For how long?” to which I of course replied “Forever.”

We still get into arguments on Facebook sometimes (I live across the country from her now), but it is always about religion and never about bisexuality, so overall I think it the atheism that bothers her more.

im bi and atheist. in my case, im still in the atheist closet. it was easy to come out as bi for me because i already have several out gay and lesbian cousins. but, as of right now, i dont know of any of my cousins being out atheists.
my family has some very conservative people in it, that dont know that im bi. they dont know because it is not currently relevant (seeing as im single, i would probably tell if i had a gf, but if or when i do tell them about my being bi, there could be a riff in the family. i imagine it would be even more so if i came out as atheist too.

I came out as an atheist first, to my mom only. My dad would have had a fit. It was a non-issue. I came out as bisexual a few years later, and that one was much scarier (again, only to my mom and other non-dad relatives). I feared that her knowing I was bisexual might have caused her to stop helping me out with college and car payments, or maybe even stop talking to me. For a long time, my mom believed that teh queers were evil, evil people. But I managed to educate her after I took a lot of queer/sexuality courses in college, and she changed her mind. At that point, it became safer to come out.

I was home-schooled in a very conservative evangelical Christian family, so I’m sure you can imagine the importance of religion in my upbringing and my family’s devotion to all that comes with contemporary American Christianity. Coming out as gay was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I had no idea of what to expect from them and had panic attacks from worrying about it. While my family took it better than I had expected (as much as asking if I had tried gay conversion therapy can be considered part of a good reaction), they seemed much more upset when as a kid I just hinted at the fact that I was no longer religious, let alone an atheist. In retrospect, I think that even though they were not happy with my being gay, if I were still religious, they think one day I could be rescued from my “life of sin.” To them, my being an atheist and gay means I need twice the prayer for redemption. I still am in touch with my family, but obviously is not the same relationship anymore. That being said, I’m am happier now than I’ve ever been in my life before. Coming out as a gaytheist was the most liberating feeling I’ve ever had.

I came out to my parents as gay about ten years ago. It took a lot of courage-mustering, and I finally just kinda said it in that tearing-off-a-bandaid way. It was difficult for me, but they took it well. The conversation turned casually to how being gay would jibe with church. “Oh, yeah, that’s another thing,” I told them, “I’m also an atheist. I don’t think I’ll be going to church with you any more.” Although they also took that relatively well, it was harder for my dad to deal with that than the gay thing. I think it was the other way around for my mom.

Ugh, it’s complicated.

When I told my fundamentalist, ministry-employed parents that I was an atheist, they weren’t happy but our relationship stayed mostly the same (I was already independent, in college, etc).

When I came out a few years later as being poly (after my boyfriend and I had been dating for two and a half years), they compared it to pedophilia and my dad and sister wouldn’t speak to me for months. Their objections were exactly the same standard objections you hear from Christians about homosexuality, so I have no doubt that coming out as gay would have gotten a very similar reaction.

I’m an atheist and bisexual. I came out as an atheist to my Catholic parents, two aunts and everyone in school when I was 13. Thankfully, it has never been an issue and because of that, I have never lied when someone asks about it.

Now, not being straight in Venezuela is a whole different thing >_> It’s funny that I don’t have a problem if they think that I’ll burn in hell but I’m scared of what could happen if they find out that I might like someone without a vagina ._.

I apologize for my English. I’m still learning.

If I or one of my brothers were gay, I’m sure it would only take a little time, or even if that, for my parents to eventually accept it.

Once my mom saw me come home from a library with a book on evolution, and only said ‘I don’t believe in that.’ and refused to say another word about it when I said hey, look, they have evidence here. And she’s ‘fake’ Catholic, in that I’ve never once saw her go to Mass. She went to Catholic schools, but that’s really the extent that I know of.

As somebody who qualifies under both I have to say I had no problem telling my parents that I don’t believe in gods or religious silliness. I have not told them that I’m bisexual and probably won’t. Telling them I like guys would create far more problems that telling them I think their beliefs are silly. Just not gonna go there.

The two things are differently difficult for me.

Coming out as gay was far more stressful to me, especially since it was 20 years ago and I stood a serious chance of being rejected by everyone I knew and loved. I had a *mostly* positive experience, fortunately, but that was by no means certain. However, I had a HUGE incentive to come out, which is that I desperately needed physical companionship and couldn’t emotionally handle being in the closet any longer, so the easiest way for me to find a boyfriend was to just come out of the closet and look for one openly.

Coming out as atheist, on the other hand, is very different. My dad is an atheist and very stubborn about it, so I know that if the rest of the family (all christian) has any problem with me, he’ll come to my defense, and as he’s very well respected and loved in the family, that will get them to knock off any misbehavior and treat me well. Also, most of my friends are atheists or generic deists, with some very accepting jews and ultra-liberal christians mixed in, so I make no secret of my beliefs with them and that’s fine.

So all that’s left is some of my family, the ones who I know will treat me well once they know I’m an atheist, but who I know will feel very hurt by it and/or concerned for my “eternal soul”. If these were family members I didn’t get along with well, I’d probably just go ahead and not care, but they’re among those who I care about most. Since basically everything else in my family life is going okay (I’m not pressured to go to church or have religious ceremonies or live my life like a strict christian or any such nonsense), I find it extraordinarily difficult to come out as atheist to these family members because I don’t want to upset them and ultimately I don’t have to. But it’d be convenient. Very convenient. And I get more and more tired of them supporting right wingers and republicans, and being out as atheist might give me additional arguing points about that. So I may yet do so.

Apologies to the straightheists, but it’s not even close. My family, although religious, is fairly liberal. Even though I know that, logically, they would be more accepting of my homosexuality than my atheism, I never found the strength to come out as gay.

I’m bi and an atheist– and in the closet for both. I know that my family would accept my bisexuality. They’d probably be a bit uncomfortable and maybe joke about it or think it’s a ‘phase’, but they would still love me and be accepting. But, I’m honestly terrified that my family will find out I’m an atheist. They would not accept that at all. Once I recorded an episode of Morgan Freeman’s Through the Wormhole (or whatever it is called) about the Big Bang, and my mother freaked out about how anti-christian that was and how “PEOPLE DIDN’T CRAWL OUT OF THE OCEAN AS MONKEYS!” (still trying to figure out how that’s related to the big bang). So, yeah, if Morgan Freeman gets a reaction like that, I plan on staying in the atheist closet at least until I finish this next year of college and can move out!

I freely admit my atheism to anyone who brings up the subject and I’ve received no negative reactions. Indeed a few people asked me many questions and found that my answers actually made sense. Of course none of these people were fundamentalists – but the few christians that know me have no problem with it whatsoever.

I am a gay atheist, and it was harder for me to come out to my parents as atheist than it was to tell them I’m gay.

Coming out has been so much more difficult than it was at 14 telling my parents I didn’t believe in a god. Sure there were struggles over whether I attended Church or not, as I was underage and had to under the rules of their house, but I shudder think of what might have happened had I actually told them I was gay while I was living under their house and their rules. When I was 23 and came out to her, she said it was a symptom of depression and I should seek medical help. If I’d come out at 14, or 15, 16, 17, what sort of help might I have been forced into?

A commenter asked above ‘how many are driven to suicide?’ Answer: lots. Including myself. Not talking about religion is easy enough, but when I’m planning on bringing a same-sex date to my brother’s wedding …

Coming out as atheist was harder for the simple reason that when I came out as gay/asexual, I had the experience of coming out as atheist already on my belt. I believe that my mother had a harder time with my atheism, and my father had a harder time with my sexuality. But they were both pretty accepting.

I am bisexual and an atheist, and my parents treated both coming-outs pretty much the same, by ignoring them! They know that I sing in an LGBT choir and that I help organize the local Skeptics group but we never discuss it.

I guess it might be a bit awkward if I ever brought a woman home to meet them, I can’t think of a similar situation where they would be directly confronted with my atheism.

That reminds me, I haven’t told any of my Catholic relatives either of those things yet.
It was easier for me to come out as an atheist to nearly everyone. I was critical of religion even as a believer, so it wasn’t a stretch, and anyone who’d have been upset had already begun avoiding me at that point. In most cases there was no “coming out”, but a slow shift from Catholicism to deism to pantheism to atheism. My father is a non-practicing Jew, which probably helped mitigate my mother’s feelings on the issue.
My parents were similarly accepting of my lesbianism, but I was much more hesitant to come out as gay than as an atheist. I’d learned to fear rejection for one.
It’s easier to be gay in the atheist community than to be an atheist in the gay community, in my experience.

I am a bisexual atheist. I ended up telling my family all in one foul swoop. “Killing to birds with one stone” so to speak. My father is a retired minister who was on the synod’s theological board and essentially helped craft the church’s theological bigotry against the GLBT community. When I confronted my father about this he said, “I wanted to change some of the wording on that, but I was outvoted.” As if saying gay people are supposed to live miserable, lonely lives in a nicer way changes the bigotry. And why the fuck does the church have to vote on whether people are allowed to be happy? (Rhetorical question, I already know the answer. And unfortunately in America today, we do get to vote on who gets rights in our state constitutions.) Anyway, I feel it was much easier for my parents and siblings to kinda-sorta vaguely know who I am, but pretty unacceptable to say it out loud. I know it was a step I needed to take personally, but everything comes with a price. Somedays I regret the cost even though I don’t regret being honest with my family.

I came out as an atheist and later, bisexual to my parents. They attended a (really tame) Roman Catholic church, went through the baptism/communion/confirmation motions with me and prayed at meals regularly, but didn’t put any major emphasis on religion otherwise. I had figured these two things out about myself by my late teens, but still held off for a few years. I did this because I didn’t know what to expect and wanted to be able to independently support myself if things went nuclear. Thankfully, they didn’t.

There was a small amount of friction on the atheism side of things, as my dad tried to guilt trip me into attending church and my mom half-heartedly attempted to sell me on religion again. Fortunately, they dropped it in a matter of weeks and have been fine ever since. Oddly enough, my extended family members (which are about as religious as my parents) haven’t really said word one about it to me to date. I’m guessing most of them know, but don’t really care a great deal, so I’m fine with that.

On the bisexual side of the coin, I was a few months into a relationship with another guy by the time I graduated from college. I eventually let on that I was dating someone, but left it at that. They’d jokingly pry, but I wouldn’t give away anything compromising. After a while, I let my parents know over dinner, and later, my relatives by e-mail. There were no issues whatsoever. Much to my surprise, everyone who has met him has only had good things to say, so it’s difficult to imagine it going any better than it has.

I think it’s a case by case kind of thing. If your parents are ‘liberal Christians’ they might think being gay is okay, as long as you believe. BUT if they find out their child doesn’t believe in anything…you can imagine how that might be worse.

I am fascinated by these personal stories and hate to have nothing to offer but theory… but this makes a lot of mathematical sense.

If you are a fundamentalist there is a wide sea of people whose faith is insufficient. Maybe you think “atheist” is just synonymous with devil worshiper, and devil worship would be bad, apparently. But if you kinda know what Atheism is then it might just mean “part of the vast less than perfectly religious masses”… People who act gay on the other hand… well those are a freaky weird minority.

And boring gay people, well they screw with the idea of a supposedly old testament based moral code.

But if you are a moderate then the core of your belief is that literally everyone can be a blessed and loved believer and there is no need to dwell on any of that old testament unpleasantness. The whole point for many is that there are just too many nice gay people for them not to be let into heaven. Being gay is just something between you and the guy at the pearly gates. Now why would the pearly gates bouncer in chief keep out nice gay people? But being Atheist… well thats puts you in in that freaky little minority that just refuses to be saved even though we have worked so damn hard for all those years to make it ridiculously easy…

Being non accommodating atheist screws with the idea religion can and needs to be saved from its scriptures.

“I have bend the bible all this way and you are still not happy?”

Anyone care to compare coming out to fundamentalist compared to coming out to moderates?

I do feel slightly less bad for without asking comparing the ostracized non christian or non mormon kids with the ostracized gay kids.

I also sense reading between the lines that coming out gay is getting easier (IE From insanely difficult to really difficult). And for that we gay and/or atheists have a lot of brave gay people to thank.

Well, I didn’t come out to my folks as gay, but as bisexual, so it’s similar enough to count, I hope?
Anyway, the athiesm one was probably harder, though to be fair, they think both are “just phases”. They have since I came out to them as bi towards the beginning of freshman year, and since I came out as an atheist about the time I would’ve gotten confirmed, but didn’t because I thought it was all a big load.
I’d say it was harder because my mother’s a minister though, and my dad is pretty spiritual. Our church was always, or at least as far back as I can recall, very accepting of people of different sexualities and the like.

@Mara Jade:

Ugh, I hate that “this is just a phase” or “you’re just rebelling” statements more than anything. As my Pharyngulite friend put it “coloring your hair purple is rebellion, deciding the truth about who you are is growing.”

Coming out as gay was far more difficult than coming out as atheist.  Being gay has much more social stigma attached than being atheist.  Period.

OMG, it is so much harder to come out as gay.  It’s not even close for my family.

I grew up in a hardcore Evangelical Christian family.  They are very anti-gay.  I am already out as an atheist.   They just think I’ve fallen away from the truth and hope I come back some day.  It is no reflection on them as Christians who see the world as very black and white, right and wrong, heaven and hell etc…

I’m not out as gay.  If I did that, that would be destroying their life too somehow.  That would be the worst thing in the world.   Telling them they have a gay son would be such an embarrassment for them.  Our relationship would be destroyed.  They would stop at nothing to try to change me.  They would torture me.  I would have to completely cut off contact with my entire family and disappear.

If you think about it, you might be able to imagine what life was like for me as a teenager wondering what the hell was wrong with me.  I thought I was going to hell, and had no one to talk to.

Unfortunately, the word has already been coined. There’s no getting away from it now. All we can do is refuse to use it ourselves. And cuss every son of a bitch that uses it behind his back.