What Is the Pastor Saying…?

Marc Alan Di Martino drew this cartoon. It’s crudely drawn, yes, but it made me laugh:

Well, the man does love his wine…

Not to take anything away from Marc, but you could draw the Pope saying just about anything and it could be funny…

Forget the Pope. All you need is a religious leader telling the truth (the *real* truth, not their Biblical version of it) and it’d be humorous (at least if it wasn’t so damn depressing):

Why is there humor in that? Maybe because we just don’t expect religious leaders to tell the truth. They speak in myth and false hope. Being honest about how the world works just isn’t something they do.

That’s almost guaranteed to get laughter because you just don’t expect religious leaders to tell the truth. They speak in myth, anecdotes, and false hope.

But let’s put that theory to the test.

What is Rick Warren saying in church today…? Fill in his speech bubble:

My theory: The funnier comments will be the ones that simply have Warren explaining how the world *really* works.

Britinnz

Lord, it was this big. Really! Why did you let it get away?
Don

I caught a fish this big!
Don

If it weren’t for my tax exemption my taxes would be huge!
Don

My rent-a-boy was no boy, if you know what I mean!

Ok, I’ll stop now.
OneTrueKinsman

Since he’s the author of The Purpose Driven Life, I imagine him screaming “WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?” up at the ceiling…
Luciferadi

Riiiiiiiidi, pagliaaaaaaaaccio . . .
Marvin

GIT IN MAH BELLY!
Dave P.

I want a stack a money THIS big.
Rebecca

LOL! I LOVE the second cartoon!
moky

LEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

That’s what I imagine him to say.
Slider33

JEEEEEEENNNNNKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNSSSS
Russell

“The tide goes in, the tide goes out, and I can’t be bothered to understand why. God! Save me!”
Michael

Be careful how you throw around the word “truth,” or Rebecca Watson may start flaming you.
Washington Outsider

You see, lord, they call it “saddlebacking”. I’ll explain…
Gordon

“I once told a lie this big. It sold over a million copies.”
Robin (not Robyn)

God runs the entire universe, people…of course he’s short on cash!
Raytheist

What goatee? I’m just suckin’ up to The Big Guy.
Lisa DeGraaf

Oh Lord, please stop the atheists from eating babies. They have eaten so many of your precious children.
Daniel

Thank you, Jesus, for your Holy Magnets!

How amazing you are to create special rocks whose sole purpose is to help me display children’s art on a fridge. We will never understand how such amazing rocks work, but will glory in your gift of them to us. As sinners, we don’t deserve them, but you show your love by giving them to us anyway. From this, we can all take comfort in these times.
walkamungus

O Lord, there’s some atheists need smiting!
Drakk

He looks rather anguished, and comically so…I’d have to go with something resembling a lolcat picture. Maybe “Y HAZ THOU FORSAKUN MEH?” or something.
RG

Oh God that’s a minority behind me! Look mister, I don’t have anything, just take my wallet from my back pocket.
Parse

I was originally going to go with this, but a couple of other people have done the ‘this big’ joke:
“Lord, I know the stick-up-the-ass is part of the job description, but does it need to be this big?”
Therefore, the other obvious joke:
“It’s up, it’s good! Field goal!” *CRASH* *tinkle* *tinkle* “We will now request an offering to replace the stained glass windows. Remember, Jesus won’t love you if you don’t give your ten percent!”
Daniel

STELLA!!!!
Stephen

My pants waist is this big thanks to the diet I enjoy from your offerings. God couldn’t miracle off my gut and chins.
Reginald Selkirk

“I converse daily with the Creator of the universe. Atheists are arrogant for believing in the well-established scientific theory of evolution.”
CJ Klok

An homage to Doonsbury:
“I found out my syphilis could not be cured because the pathogens actually EVOLVED resistance to common treatments. But I thank god that my doctor gave me relief with new INTELLIGENTLY DESIGNED drugs!”
Rabbit

“Bah weep granna weep ninni bam!”
Dan

“You mean you didn’t make the Steelers win last week? Then who was it? cause I have someone to thank for my winnings!”
Luciferadi

@Daniel, SPOT ON! (I was thinking “Adrian!!” but it just wasn’t quite right.)
Mr Z

Missed one:

The tides goeth in, the tides goeth out. Pay no attention to what that black man says. Those physicists don’t get their truth from God almighty.
OverlapingMagisteria

“There really is no reason to chose one faith over any other. But I really hope you chose mine. Here comes the collection basket!”
Deiloh

Khaaaaaaan!
Danny

“These cufflinks cost $900!”
BrianE

“Oh Lord, I just caught a glimpse of the black man behind me in the bathroom, and I swear it was this big! Why hast thou forsaken me?”
Danny

“Space is big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to space!”
Danny

“I like big butts and I cannot lie!”
ehoff

And the ark was thiiiiiiiiiis big… that’s how the Lord made sure the unicorns would fit!
Anonymous

“I swear I never had anything to do with Pastor Martin Ssempa”

(http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-01-07/the-truth-about-rick-warren-in-africa/
http://glaadblog.org/2010/12/28/anti-lgbt-ugandan-pastor-martin-ssempa-charged-with-blackmail/ )
Danny

To calculate how much of God’s love could fit in this room you must multiply the length, the height, AND the width and then divide by zero!”
Will

OW!
Jim Linville

“And you have to do unto others as you want others to do unto you. Then Jesus will enter you, like this!”
BoomerChick

“Lord I sent my words to you through prayer with my hands clasped in solemn reverence for your omnificence. I use my hands now like antennas ready to have you radio your words to me. I’m listening Lord; the channel is open.”
Slider33

“I’m Riiiiich Beyotch!”
Chab

I pooped this big. It was a miracle. Let’s pray.
Slider33

“I forgot my tin foil hat.”
Potco

God, please let me remember to wipe next time. Jesus, my ass hurts.
ElwoodWV

“I just saved 15% on my car insurance!”
Andrew Morgan

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKLAHOMA WHERE THE WIND COMES SWEEPING DOWN THE PLAIN
Just a fan

Five
Five Dollar
Five Dollar Foot Longs!
NotYou007

I swear God! My turd really was this long.
Bob

“Almighty Father, how is it that hot dogs come in packages of ten, and hot dog buns in packages of eight? Give me a sign!”
Joe_No_Halo

More of a thought-bubble entry:

*I have to stop those inter-dialogue meetings with those catholic priests. Every time I kneel now, my mouth pops open.*
Alan E.

“Now repeat after me: ‘AS YOU WISH!'”
Richard Wade

“And then, my friends, God said that he wants you to give TH-I-I-S M-U-U-CH M-O-O-RE so I can glorify him in another beautiful Brioni suit for $6000!”
Jezzi James

“… and the Lord said that unless his people give unto him, through me, a million dollars before the end of the year He would send a meteor this big to fall upon me.”
Vas

I know it’s a myth, but… selling it has some real nice perks. I have great health insurance, I don’t pay much in taxes, and man… have you seen my house!?! So just drop it already, it’s my fuckin job you douche bag, if you screw this up for me your goose is cooked.
Kimpatsu

“And, yes, the power of prayer has given me this much ability to satisfy the ladies, praise Jesus!”
The Godless Monster

“…and if you make it this big, oh Lord, I’ll not only be the biggest dick on television…”
lurker111

Actually, I thought the empty bubble said it all.
jigsawtooth

Sanjaya!!!!!!!
7fta

Wait, what do you mean there isn’t a GOD?!!!
Jon Peterson

Based on his expression:

“OH GOD, WHY?!”
HumanistDad

Who hung my anal beads on the back curtain?
jerry ballwell

“Why Lord, oh why does Creflo Dollar have more stuff than I do?”
dwasifar

The mugger said, “Your money or your life!” And I stood there with my hands up and said, “I’m THINKING, I’m THINKING!”
Fritzy

“Two years later and I still can’t believe that socialist darky chose me to pray at his inauguration! I’m still laughing!

That was a good one–thanks Mr. Jesus!”
Stacy Mason

“I am washed in the blood of the lamb and fed in the salad of tater”.

Wish I could figure out a succinct way to work honey baked ham in there.
ShaunPhilly

I tihnk it’s fine the way it is. Whatever he’s saying amounts to nothing, most-likely, anyway.
ash

“Clatto…Verata…NICTO!”
BrentSTL

You mean this ISN’T the Stanley Cup??

Not the greatest, I know, but it’s the first thing I could think of.
mingfrommongo

BINGO!
JoeBuddha

I’d just leave it blank; what comes out of the mouth is incoherent noise anyway.
P.

BAD STUFF HAPPENS SOMETIMES! AND IT MIGHT NOT BE THE GAYS’ FAULT!
VancouverMoose

It turns out that I am less than 100% heterosexual.
And that’s OK.
Brian C Posey

If the glove does not fit, you must acquit!
Crystal Espinoza

In the beginning of the whole entire world,precisely 10,000 years ago…..
Maria

Why, Lord, did I choose this hair color? It doesn’t even match my beard!
Mike

“Watch me catch this grape in my mouth!”