Moral of the Story: Don’t Sleep in the Passenger Seat January 5, 2011

Moral of the Story: Don’t Sleep in the Passenger Seat

So I’m driving home from Wisconsin after a weekend away with the Ladyfriend. She’s very tired and decides to take a nap on my shoulder. No big deal. I can drive just fine.

I get on a local road and I see a cop in my rear-view mirror somewhere in the distance. That’s fine. I slow down to where I’m driving slightly under the speed limit and keep going. No problem, right?

I’m driving for *miles* and the cop is always behind me. He even gets closer to me. But whatever. I’m doing nothing wrong. Seat belts are on. I’m not texting or using my phone. I’m obeying the speed limit.

All of a sudden, he’s right behind me. For several blocks.

I start to freak out when he turns his lights on, even though there’s no siren. I move to the side of the road and the cop follows. I wake up the Ladyfriend and tell her (really quickly) that we’re being pulled over and I don’t know what I did wrong.

The cop immediately gets out of his car — no writing anything down in his car or entering my license plate number into the system. I roll down my window.

Even though it’s daylight, he takes his flashlight and shines it on my face. Then her face.

Then my crotch.

Oh my god… he couldn’t see her head from the back window… he must think she was…

Me: I swear she was just sleeping!

Her: I was just sleeping!

Me: I’m *really* sorry if that looked bad from where you were sitting… but she was honestly just resting on my shoulder.

Cop (after several seconds of thinking): Oh… wow… umm… I’m really sorry about that. Just be careful as you merge back onto the road…

And with that, he went back into his car and we drove off.

I think that I just experienced the greatest traffic stop ever 🙂


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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Naughty Mehta! 😀

  • Ron in Houston

    Honestly, they shouldn’t have pulled you over. The only probable cause was in the pervert police officer’s head.

  • Tony

    Sounds like he was lonely.

  • annette

    Hah!
    Have you ever seen the Parenthood movie?

    sheesh

  • Claudia

    Besides thinking you were a bad bad boy, he must have thought you had nerves of steel to just keep driving as if nothing was up (*coughs*).

  • thorny

    i think the greatest traffic stop ever would of been if you were doing what the cop though you were doing and all he did was high five you

  • It would have been better if he was right *snicker*

    Very funny!

  • Imagine the self-righteous cries of glee from the IFI and other religious groups if you’d been caught engaging in “public immorality”.

    Too bad for them-they’ll have to park their schadenfreude and suck it up. (*points @Claudia-she started it*)

  • Bob

    Actually, I did see a driver engaged in this manner … as the car approached a toll booth, the female passenger sat upright. After they were clear of the toll booth, she disappeared from sight again.

  • Its a good thing you didn’t have a copy of the Kama Sutra visible in the front seat of your vehicle. 😉

  • I was absolutely HOWLING when I saw this Twitter update the other day. I think because “road head” could be the most entertaining phrase ever.

  • NotYou007

    I have a friend who has one of them support ribbons on his truck but his reads. “Support Road Head” and while I do support it I do not recommend letting your lady or male friend perform this act while you are driving.

    I almost ended up in a ditch while my wife performed this act. Thankfully we where on a very long stretch of road in the middle of nowhere but even then, it’s still not a great idea.

  • Nerdette

    Back in our days of youth (five years ago?) when we were still driving cars “gifted” by my husband’s farmer parents, we frequently used to cuddle together on the long drives between his apartment and my house. The cars were old and had no middle console, just one long bench from passenger to driver side. “Stickshifts and Safetybelts” by Cake became our little anthem for those days. We were guilty of more than one occasion of *ahem* “fun” on long drives into Kansas City. The only time we were ever pulled over though was when I was sick and laying down in the passenger seat, and threatened with a ticket for not wearing the shoulder strap. I’d say we got off easy :).

  • Silent Service

    Well Hemant, you’re now one step ahead of me. I’ve never even received imaginary road head. (LOL)

  • Can’t help but be reminded of the movie Crash…*wince*

  • The obligatory you-tube video of the same situation.

  • If ever there was a victimless crime…

  • He was probably super embarrassed. I doubt he’ll pull anyone over for vehicular fellatio any time soon.

  • i can’t believe i’m the first person to ask, was your Ladyfriend a different hue than you, Hemant? not that such always makes the difference with these types, but still. my folks lived in rural WI for a while, i made the drive across the state to the river a couple of times up from chicago. it’s pretty… monolithic, in some parts. he tailed you for a long time while running the perv movie he rented in his head. i don’t want to go there, but i will say that you were targeted for unwholesome reasons.

  • Rieux

    See, I dunno. It doesn’t seem terribly safe to me for a passenger to be sleeping on a driver’s shoulder. You may have thought you were just fine driving that way, but I can’t imagine that it left you (especially your right shoulder and arm) unfettered to respond in an emergency situation.

    Obviously it’s not as troubling as the activity the cop thought you were engaging in; it’s probably more comparable to yakking on a cell phone while driving, which of course millions of people do—though it is illegal in many jurisdictions.

    Still, if I’m that cop I give you guys a warning anyway. Ladyfriend can snooze with her head resting on her door rather than a busy driver’s shoulder.

  • Rollingforest

    You’d think it would be easy, even from a distance, to differenciate between “head on shoulder” and “head down near lap”.

  • Meanie

    oh my gosh, is that illegal?

  • Digitus Impudicus

    oh my gosh, is that illegal?

    Depending on local laws, it could be considered unsafe driving practices, just like eating, texting, etc. It could also be considered a lewd public act.
    I am sure the cop spent a long time thinking “Naw, she can’t be…”

  • Beriaal

    @thorny

    Hahaha

  • Beck

    Gotta admit, this one just made me snicker.

    Only time I’ve ever engaged in road *ahem* naughtiness was during the wait to get back into the US from Canada on a road trip. Took us nearly 2 hours to get through the border (about 25 cars in front of us) and since we were mostly just parked in the same place in line for 20-30 minutes, we threw a blanket up and frolicked. Nothing wrong with a little road fun as long as no one involved is trying to operate the vehicle.

  • pfft no fun!

  • You’d think it would be easy, even from a distance, to differenciate between “head on shoulder” and “head down near lap”.

    Obviously the officer thought Hemant was VERY well endowed ;P

  • BoomerChick

    DWI DUI >>> DWBJ DURH

  • Randy

    Need I remind you of the movie “World according to Garp”. While the car was parked in the movie, being rear ended at this time could cut your fun short. Real short.

  • wait… why were you NOT getting head?

  • Nicole

    There used to be a playground a few blocks from my house that according to a sign was public properly after 7:00 PM. So naturally my friend and I used it as our personal hanging out space between midnight and two AM, because we’re still entertained by swingsets. Don’t judge me. Swingsets are fun. And good for your core muscles, so I hear.

    Anyway so we’d be sitting there swinging back and forth and chatting about this or that and inevitably some cop would come up demanding to know if we were engaged in naughtiness and/or drug dealing. Eventually they just got used to us being there and waved. I guess they figured we might be weird for hanging out on swingsets as adults but at least we weren’t causing trouble.

    We even picked up the playground litter while we were there sometimes. 😀

  • Me: I swear she was just sleeping!

    Why didn’t you swear to God?

  • I agree with Chicagodyke. Sounds like a case of Driving While Brown. But I wasn’t there, and maybe the cops aren’t as racist there as they were in my homesuburb.

  • Thanks for the lulz @Jeff P (and Hemant too!)

  • Mike

    The classic situation was in the movie “World According to Garp” where he lost is male organ through an accident that happened during the act. See http://www.avclub.com/articles/inventory-8-films-illustrating-that-oral-sex-and-c,1612/ for a funny history of this situation in movies.

  • That’s a pretty messed up tale, but at least there was some kind of reason he pulled you over, however flimsy.

    My wife and I were once driving back from my brother-in-law’s apartment late at night; I was too tired to drive, so I let my wife drive my truck.

    We were driving down the freeway, about halfway home when not -one-, but two cop cars got behind us, hit their lights and sirens, and pulled us over. One cop walks up on each side of us. They shined their flashlights in the car and around, then the cop on the driver’s side asks my wife:

    “Why did you stop?”

    My wife (agape): “Because you pulled us over…?”

    After another look, they told us to “Get out of here”; they never asked for license, registration, or proof of insurance, nor gave any reason or explanation as to why we were pulled over…

  • Ben Finney

    Perhaps it’s because I’m not from the USA, but I’d be pretty pissed off if “driver receiving fellatio from passenger” was something a police officer feels justified in tailing you for.

    And I’d be downright incensed if they instructed the driver to stop on that basis. I would be writing down their badge number and making hue and cry the next day.

    What damned business is it of the police how the passenger is touching the driver? You already described your driving as safe and normal.