Jesus Is… December 8, 2010

Jesus Is…

By Guest Contributor
December 8, 2010

It’s some clever marketing by The City Church near Seattle, but it can so easily backfire…

So, help them out by filling in the blank. I don’t know if they’ll like my Sarah-Silverman-inspired submission…

If you’re actually submitting something, you’re better off not being a jerk about it. (So don’t say “Jesus is a herpes-magnet.”) But I’m sure the church would love to hear some reasonable commentary about him…

For what it’s worth, here’s how other people have been filling it out. Some of them are admittedly entertaining.

(Thanks to Sean for the link!)

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  • Nigel Patel

    Jesus is was.

  • Richard Wade

    The blank says it best.

  • thorny

    jesus is dead and not coming back
    or
    jesus is not real
    ^apparently there is quite a bit of evidence to support this but i haven’t had the time to go through it

  • Chad

    jesus is a myth.

  • ThatOtherGuy

    Maybe “Jesus is not returning my calls. I’m sick of his stupid answering machine.”

  • Mariela

    Jesus is your imaginary friend.

  • Jesus is turning in his grave.

  • http://jesus-is.org/confirmation/25672
    (not sure if that link will take anybody to my submission or not, but worth a try)

    Anyways…
    Jesus is: Dead. D-E-A-D. Dead.

  • Andi

    Jesus is Santa Claus for adults.

  • George

    superflous to our society.

  • adam

    I’m surprised that they’re letting in a lot of the joke one’s you’d think the mods would have weeded them out.

    ok now it’s my turn how about

    jesus is part of a very confused mythos

    Not funny or original but true all the same

    Also I’d like to point out a ironic one I found:

    “not a myth contrary to popular belief”

    I would love to ask this person where they live I mean the popular belief of whom? Defiantly not of most people living in the US?

  • A Zombie.

  • Colin

    Jesus is not available to come to the phone right now, so leave your name, number and a brief message and he’ll never get back to you because he died more than 2,000 years ago. Please hang up now and join the real world.

  • epe

    apocryphal

  • Michael

    Jesus is nought

  • billybobbibb

    My entries:

    Jesus is the myth I defended for 15 years of my life.

    Jesus is an urban legend.

    Jesus is the father of my child. (Apologies to Jerry Springer)

  • Jesus was a narcissist.

  • “isn’t necessary.”

    “is probably an amalgam of several different Hebrew revolutionaries during the early part of the common era cobbled together by later Christian apologists in an attempt to consolidate an emerging monotheistic theology.”

    “caused more problems than he solved.”

  • Nakor

    Jesus is still not respawning. :\

  • bigjohn756

    Fictional.

    945 entries in the list when I was at the site; I didn’t look at all of them.

  • Rich Wilson

    I appreciate that they’re letting it all stay.

  • I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I also submitted the following:

    “Jesus is in need of a haircut.”

    “Jesus is part of a three-way with two other men.”

  • HP

    Jesus is “. . . never having to say you’re sorry.”

    (Once again proving that I am old.)

  • Silent Service

    This one was brilliant;

    “Jesus is the son of two fathers, so why can’t my gay dads marry?”

  • Jesus is just Susej spelled backwards.

  • Christina M.

    put the word “for” in there and you have endless possibilities such as:

    Jesus is for burying coal miners in order to get credit when we get them out.

  • Thegoodman

    I agree with Mr. Wade. Leave it blank, that pretty much says everything.

  • Shawn

    “Jesus is my gardener”
    “Jesus is my pool boy”
    “Jesus is the guy that sells oranges on the corner of my street”
    “Jesus is the guy that owes me $800 so you’ll get your rent when he pays me back next week”

  • Stephen P

    Jesus is a common name in Latin America.

  • pirmas407

    http://jesus-is.org/confirmation/26116

    Find that it is slightly cathartic to fill this out over and over again.

  • Joe_No_Halo

    Jesus Is Almost As Popular As The Beatles

    Jesus Is A Cuss Word

    Jesus Is Way Dead

  • Jesus is just alright with me.

    His followers on the other hand…

  • Danny Wuvs Kittens

    Jesus (was) a batshit insane motherfucker who had an intense jealousy of wealth, thought he was the son of God, was a pacifist, and got his shit fucked up by the Jews and Romans.

  • Phil

    JESUS ISN’T

  • Bob

    Jesus is not made of glass.

  • Just submitted mine 🙂

  • Hiruc

    Jesus is awkward.
    Jesus is an interjection.
    Jesus is a copy.
    Jesus is uncertain.
    Jesus is a lie.

  • Jesus is done with his X-mas shopping.

    Tried to enter that but the site locked up on me.

  • Nerdette

    ..the cause of much suffering.

    http://jesus-is.org/confirmation/26241

  • Jim H

    Jesus is Moises Alou’s uncle. (former pro baseballers, if you didn’t know.)

    But, Richard is correct: leave it blank!

  • Hiruc

    Jesus is a political agreement.
    Jesus is a pretext.
    Jesus is a placebo.
    Jesus is a misconception.
    Jesus is a republican stronghold.

  • WishinItWas

    To quote / steal from one of my favorite viral videos

    Jesus “died lol!”

  • Jesus is a Placebo.

  • Houndies

    fake!

  • Hipopotamo

    I immediately submitted “Is a myth” but I see is already there, but mine is in a very ugly green background, nonetheless =)

    I wonder if they’ll let the (still majority) of anti-theist messages stay on their site

    Merry Xmas from the hippo (ducking for his life now =)

  • Jesus is a killer of pigs.
    Jesus is a wine drinker.
    Jesus is a convicted criminal.

    All in the bible too.

  • Scott-K

    Jesus is… threatening you with eternal damnation

  • Mowing my lawn.

    lolz. We’ll see if they approve it.

  • ouigui

    Jesus is the product of a one-night stand.

    http://jesus-is.org/confirmation/26523

  • ButchKitties

    Jesus is not a Bronze Age myth. He’s an Iron Age myth.

  • Ed L.

    Jesus was left fielder for the SF Giants.

  • Defiantnonbeliever

    “a Pernicious Fraud”
    “cumming”
    “Santa for Sadists”
    “a profitable control scam”

  • Mark

    I was trying for a double meaning so I entered – “Unbelievable”

  • acecombat10

    Jesus was like any other mythological religious figure. And he was Jewish.

  • taxman

    For separation of church & state.

  • Michelle

    “…a sexy name for a nice brown boy.”

  • NotYou007

    Jesus is not eating M&M’s this Christmas.

    Not sure if it will show up but that is mine.

  • ThilinaB

    http://jesus-is.org/confirmation/26924

    “Jesus is coming, grab a towel”

    We should have had a contest to see what the worst one we can get them to put on the site is.

    I found the re-spawning ones hilarious:
    http://jesus-is.org/still_not_respawning

    http://jesus-is.org/a_victim_of_lag_cuz_he_waited_3_days_to_respawn
    http://jesus-is.org/respawning_in_9…8

  • maddogdelta

    Jesus is one of my students..

  • Jesus is watching me masturbate.

  • Richard P.

    Is a guy that lives in my friends head…rent free

  • My submission: Jesus Is a Middle Eastern Carpenter

  • Meyli

    Jesus is … on that piece of toast! ZOMG!

    .. first thing I thought of xD

  • Fundie Troll

    Jesus is…going to judge every idle word spoken by men.

  • anunahmuz

    Jesus is tired of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane

  • Rajesh Kher

    Jesus is HUMAN

  • HAZZING TEH CHEEZBURGER!

    lolz

  • Richard P.

    is imagination gone to far.

  • Herk

    My favourite:

    is dead. Marx is Dead. Don’t feel too good myself.

    Other:

    dislikes pink saddles

  • kf

    Jesus is tool to manipulate you.
    Jesus is a socialist.
    Jesus is not coming back.
    Jesus is in your head.

  • Justin Ward

    Jesus is a con artist.

    You can change the background to an image so the “Out Campaign” scarlet A logo seemed fitting.

    http://jesus-is.org/a_con_artist3

  • There’s a lot of ‘Jesus is the dude’ ones and I found that offensive. So I had to go with:

    Jesus is not the dude. The dude abides.

  • Jesus is…your problem, not mine.

  • Like Phil’s best; Richard’s second best but mine is the same as Justin’s only I’d change is to was. Used to — when I believe that there was such a man that actually lived but even that much goes unproven — say that all the time. Jesus was the best con man that ever lived. Too bad for him that in ancient Rome they gave the death penalty for scamming people.

  • FranklinThinker

    Jesus is Rick Astley

    I submitted another one last night with “Jesus Is.. Gordon Ramsey. And he’s upset that you messed up the risotto. Again.”

  • Inthewater

    Jesus is…what cost me 20 good years of my life.

  • souper genyus

    JESUS IS DEAD.

    Straight to the point, really.

  • Grimalkin

    Ooooh, this is fun! I can appreciate this advertising campaign – it’s just a shame that we didn’t think of it first!

    I put in “Jesus is not coming back.”

    In the WHY box, I said: “It’s been two thousand years. How long are you going to wait by the door before you realize that you’ve been stood up?”

  • JohnFrost

    My favorites on that link:

    “Jesus is over 9000!”

    “Jesus is a good idea in theory. Like Communism.”

  • JB

    Jesus is…myth-ing in action

  • ButchKitties

    Jesus is the only zombie who wants people to eat him.

  • Did anyone read “The Shack”?

    A perfect example of the sick views many christians have of their “savior” jesus!

  • ScottDogg

    My submission:

    Jesus Iscariot Betrayed Judas

  • pansies4me

    Yesterday I put “is watching you masturbate” – not on there today.
    I also put “is sticking to the roof of my mouth after communion” – that one made the cut -YAY!

    I feel so evil!

  • ValH

    Jesus is used to manipulate millions by ‘religious leaders.’

    Why? The world would be so much better if Christians actually followed Christ’s words instead of blindly following Christian leaders.

    It wouldn’t be perfect, and I’m still not a fan of the religion, but it’d be a huge step forward.

  • See Nick Overlook

    Jesus is a friend to those who have no friends, an enemy to those who make him an enemy… No, wait, that’s Boston Blackie. Sorry.

  • AtheistJohn

    Jesus is…….Not coming back !!! Please try to be rational for the balance of you life.

  • Kevin

    Jesus is:

    Watching me touch myself *down* *there*

  • fritzy

    …not as famous as the Beatles

  • … your creepy obsession.

  • fritzy

    …wasting his time turning water into wine when he could be curing cancer.

  • Alicia

    Jesus is ‘likely to have exsisted, though most likely would have suffered from schizophrenia.’ 🙂

    I did love the ‘Jesus is a jewish kid wondering how he got a mexican name.’ haha.

  • Alicia

    Oooh, what about…
    ‘Jesus is not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy!’

  • cecilia

    “Jesus is god spelled backwards, man…”

    (in memory of stupid stoner conversations from days of yore!!)

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