I’m on an Ark! December 4, 2010

I’m on an Ark!

Phil Ferguson has an entertaining idea for the Creation Museum’s Governor-approved, soon-to-be Ark Park:

Once they get done building the Ark in Kentucky…. Go there and make a music video… I’m On An Ark! Try to include as much bible and Noah talk as possible.

A skeptic-themed video, mind you. Not like “Baby Got Book.”

Phil’s calling for suggestions for song lyrics. Can we crowdsource this song…?

Tell you what, if you contribute a rhyming verse (of at least two lines), you’ll be entered in a random drawing to win a copy of Original Sinners by John Coats. I’ll pick two winners next week.

(If you want to be entered in the drawing, you must live within the US and you must put the word “magnets” at the end of the comment!)

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  • Jeff Ritter

    I’m not going to enter into the contest for sheer lack of talent. But I did go check out the links and can agree with the states desire to create jobs. They then leave a very bad taste when they point out a “shared faith”. I used to live in Kentucky before joining the Marines and always joked that the state was the garden of eden. But in my joke god came down to smoke the plentiful mary jane that is grown and drink the moonshine!Aside from all that non-sense, one other thing that stuck out was the mention of a cave known as “Natural Selection is not Evolution”. Which makes me wonder, how in the hell do these people rationalize NASA’s recent discovery of an arsenic based life form in Mono Lake California? Did god suddenly create a new life form in an environment not suitable for life 6,000 plus years after calling it a day? Considering that this is being built by a for profit group and I believe the museum is also for profit at least they won’t get by with the Church tax evasion loophole. The big question will whether or not they allow real scientist that teach evolution to come speak, or hire atheists? And while not a defense of the message I am glad that 900 people will be employed doing something that while intellectual bankrupt it keeps them from being financially bankrupt (hopefully)

  • coley

    I’m on an ark, motherfucker, take a look at me
    Angry Yaweh turned the Earth into and endless sea
    So many animals you’d think you’re walking through a park
    You can’t stop me milking cows cause I’m on an ark

  • DocShinobi

    *The beat drops*
    “Yeah my names’ Moses
    and this is how I clown/
    If I wasn’t on a boat
    my flow would tear the roof down/
    and when I gets to catchin them animals It’s melodic
    Talkin bout the holes in this story be off topic/
    They be like “Moses there’s like a billion species!”
    “It’s too crowded, and what about the feces?!”
    I’m like “check yo moms baby girl, see how she greets me”/
    *Drops the Mic, walks away*

  • A jillion animals, producing tons of shit
    It’s pilin’ up high, don’t know what to do with it
    I need a plug-in, but Glade ain’t been invented yet
    It couldn’t happen, but the fumes will make start to forget!


  • DocShinobi

    Sorry, the other one had the wrong email address

    *The beat drops*
    “Yeah my names’ Moses
    and this is how I clown/
    If I wasn’t on a boat
    my flow would tear the roof down/
    and when I gets to catchin them animals It’s melodic
    Talkin bout the holes in this story be off topic/
    They be like “Moses there’s like a billion species!”
    “It’s too crowded, and what about the feces?!”
    I’m like “check yo moms baby girl, see how she greets me”/
    *Drops the Mic, walks away*

  • The only human alive, but for seven other people,
    If you on the shore–wait, there is no shore . . .


  • Sylvia

    How about this?

    I’m a an ark, Jesus-lover, take a look at me/
    Three hundred cubits long, with height thirty/
    Playing tag with the tigers and a little aardvark/
    You can’t stop me Jesus-lover, ’cause I’m on an ark

    I do love magnets.

  • DocShinobi

    Oh dang I meant noah! haha ok final verion I swear!

    *The beat drops*
    “Yeah my names’ Noah and this is how I clown/
    If I wasn’t on a boat
    my flow would tear the roof down/
    and when I gets to catchin them animals It’s melodic
    Talkin bout the holes in this story be off topic/
    They be like “Noah there’s like a billion species!”
    “It’s too crowded, and what about the feces?!”
    I’m like “check yo moms baby girl, see how she greets me”/
    *Drops the Mic, walks away*

  • I got nothin’ but I definitely want to see the end results.

  • captsam

    i’m with WMDKitty got no talent but do want to see results.

  • I heard a voice in my head
    A really pushy voice that said
    I’m supposed to build an ark
    But my outlook is becoming stark
    I have to find every living thing
    Which onto this ark I must then bring
    But too many creatures exist
    And my wife is getting really pissed
    Our house looks like a fucking zoo
    We’re surrounded by tons of animal poo
    This boat will have to be gigantic
    I’m feeling really, really frantic
    I’ll never find that much wood
    Even with the help of the whole neighborhood
    I’ll just tell the voice I got ’em all
    And hope the rest survive this squall


  • mkb

    I’ve got nothing original to contribute but people may enjoy seeing a classic — The Unicorn Song, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4bc9UwZsYs.

  • jonezart

    just a quick question… why do we want to give money to this theme park by going there?


  • I agree with jonezart, I don’t want to give them any money. I’m still very in favor of lampooning, satirizing, and generally having a lot of fun at their “expense” however.

  • Japheth, Shem, and Ham the Younger
    Were hopin’ that the dinos didn’t feel no hunger

    “Yo Dad, we can’t include no dinosaurs
    ‘Cuz this ark’ll be a muhfuckin’ abbatoir!”


  • jonezart said:

    why do we want to give money to this theme park by going there?

    Because it’d be funny to see the looks on the face of the kid they hire to do the “Ark Tour” when you pass out flyers after the show showing how the combined mass of two of every kind of animal on the planet, not to mention all the food needs for the animals and the eight person crew, couldn’t have possibly fit on a 500 foot wooden boat nor would it have had sufficient displacement area to support the immense mass.

    Then you get the throw the logic at them.

    You know, the basic stuff (its been a while since I’ve read the Noah story, so some of this might be rusty):

    * If God is all knowing and infallible why didn’t he know ahead of time when he created us that he would ultimately hate us and want to destroy all but 8 people? Why bother with Adam and Eve to begin with, they have their own set of logic issues, when he could have instead created Noah and the other 7 to begin with?

    * If God is all knowing and infallible wouldn’t he have known when creating all of us that he was going to kill us anyway in a great flood? How can he be a loving benevolent God if he deliberately created something for the sole purpose of killing it later? Wouldn’t it have been kinder to just not create anyone except for the 8 he actually liked?

    * Why go to all the trouble of having Noah build an Arc to save all the animals when God could have just recreated them after the flood?

    * How are Doves alive today? Noah sent two Doves out, staggered over a few days, to find land and the first one didn’t return. How did the remaining Dove reproduce, did God impregnate the eggs it laid with his holy spirit making the Dove that hatched his first incarnation before Jesus?

    * This Ark took a team of engineers 4 years to build with hi-tech cranes, powered tools, precise measurements, multiple suppliers from around the country / globe, and a small army of construction workers. Is it really feasible that a small 4 man crew, the other 4 were women and therefore incapable of working (nudge nudge, wink wink), using local supplies were capable of creating such a massive structure that would be structurally sound for at least three months using the bronze aged implements (show some pictures here) they would have had available?

    * Animals require specific habitats to survive, dry and arid locations to damp and extremely humid and everything in between. This Ark uses state of the art climate controls and native plant species to mimic an animal’s habitat needs. How would this have been possible during Noah’s time?

    Hell, there are probably a bunch more than I can think of right now and I’ve only been at it for a few minutes.

    Actually, now that I think of it, it’d be neat if a mathematician and a biologist would work together to figure out what the combined weight of two of every animal on the planet, the food required to sustain them for three months was, and how big a ship would need to be built to hold it all. Put the big number, and two scale graphics to compare the Ark size to the calculated ship size, on a T-Shirt and then wear them to the Ark Experience.

    When people asked what the number and graphics meant the shirt wearer could hand them a flyer explaining it too them. 😉

  • Christopher Petroni

    I’m on an Ark aaand
    I’m dodgin’ sharks aaand
    The piles o’ shit are too much for seven deck hands
    I’m on an Ark, praisin’ God like Noah
    You better learn how to swim, ‘cuz there ain’t no sho-ah


  • Christopher Petroni

    Oh, and Palaverer wins so far!

  • Unholy Holly

    Once the song is finalized, can Hemant arrange a flash mob so we can all get into the act? Who’s up for “no pants Ark ride”?

  • Yehram

    I’m on an ark, motherfucker, and don’t you ever forget
    You told me I was crazy for listenin’ to the voice in my head
    But now it’s raining
    And peoples be dying
    I’m on a motherfucking ark
    While you be crying

    Animals upon animals
    Crowded as can be
    My sons be telling me its a god-anointed orgy


  • I’m on a boat where there’s two of every species
    Where the room for all the feed be, and how we gonna handle all the feces?
    This shit’s beneath me; shoveling manure while a velociraptor tries to eat me
    even got a room for the least beasts where two fleas sleep
    Why’s God so mad at me? Why’d he burst the vapor canopy?
    Is it because I questioned Adam’s anatomy? Why’s he got a navel but no family?
    At any rate, the flood remains are arranged biogeographical,
    which is intractable, if they died in a flood that’s magical
    but it’s quite practical, given the lack of bones
    in random distribution that evolution played an active role
    Don’t wipe your lacrimals, don’t cling to all the crap you’re told
    the Bible’s laughable, defended by irascible bastard foes talkin’ out their assholes
    But what’s really shameful, and what really hurts the brain though
    Is that a good God let the rain go, drowning all except the saved folk,
    and then expects us to forgive him for a fuckin’ promise and a rainbow

    Fuckin’ magnets!

  • Steve

    A while ago I came on a blog entry that got into the weight and dimensions of the whole thing. But I can’t recall where.

    The mass and size of the food alone was absurdly high.

  • Spherical Basterd

    To the tune of “Gilligans Island”:

    Just sit right back and you’ll hear a fable,
    A fable of a fateful trip
    That started from this mid-east plain
    Aboard his mighty ark.

    That Noah was very a righteous man,
    His faith was brave and sure.

    *Thank you to, George Wyle and Sherwood Schwartz for a wonderful theme song to a more believeable fable.


  • Anonymous

    If I was any sort of creative, I’d warp the Pokemon theme tune into something clever and witty that represented this.

  • Tim

    The best response to them building an arc would be to get hundreds of thousands of pairs of stuffed animals and deliver them to the park.
    It would be too good watching them fail to fit them all on the boat 🙂

  • I got nothin’ but I definitely want to see the end results.

    Ditto but I too want to see the final video. Put it on you-tube and link here, please.

    So far, Saint Gasoline gets my vote, hands down. That was fucking hilarous. So give my magnets to him or her whichever the case may be.

  • Myrmidon

    I got some hungry herbivores so Lord Almighty please
    Tell me you got some other foo to save some of the trees!


  • coley

    well, turns out i forgot one thing:

    I’m on an ark motherfucker, take a look at me
    Angry Yaweh turned the Earth into an endless sea
    So many animals you’d think you’re walking through a park
    You can’t stop me milkin cows cause I’m on an ark

    magnets (how do they work?)

  • Slimdave420

    I’m on an ark,
    Oy how those damn dogs bark,
    It’s not easy sailing god’s boat,
    Having to teach blue whales to float,
    I’m on an ark,
    Oy those damn jungle beasts   so loud when dark,
    It’s not easy sailing god’s boat,
    Why dear god did you pick me, I’d rather have slit my throat,
    I’m on an ark,
    Alas, with nowhere to park. 


  • Jesse

    Reading the title of this post reminded me of the Old Spice commercials with Isaiah Mustafa, especially at the end when he says “I’m on a horse.” A video like the commercials (a whole bunch of quick, decisive fact) with the song would look good in my opinion.
    Link to video

  • Hazor

    magnets (how do they work?)

    The souls of a thousand flood-drowned dinosaurs inhabit every magnet.


  • ATL-Apostate

    Ahhh, shit!
    It’s about to go down.
    In case y’all didn’t know…
    Check it!

    *beat drops*
    I’m on an Ark!
    I’m on an Ark!
    Take a good hard look at the muthafuckin Ark

    …. haven’t thought of other lyrics yet, but here’s another variation on the chorus:

    I’m on an ark, motherfucker
    it’s as real as it gets
    I’m on an ark, motherfucker
    don’t you ever forget!

    I’ll go listen to the original song again and see what else I can come up with.

  • ATL-Apostate

    OK, revised attempt with a couple of verses:

    Ahh shit!
    Everybody hit the fuckin deck.
    We got some serious shit goin down about now.
    We running this, let’s go.

    *beat drops*
    I’m on an ark
    I’m on an ark
    Everybody look at me cuz I’m floatin on an Ark!

    I’m on an ark
    I’m on an ark
    Take a good hard look at the muthafuckin ark!

    I’m on an ark muthafucka take a look at me
    straight witnessin the death of all humanity
    Bustin 5 knots wind whippin up my robe
    You can’t stop me muthafucka cuz das how it goes

    Take a picture trick. I’m on an ark bitch
    We drinkin dinosaur piss cuz it’s so crisp!
    I got my bath robe, my Jesus flippy floppies
    I’m eatin stegasaurus steak,
    you straight drownin, shawty!

    I’m on velociraptor, turnin flips and shit
    Don’t fuck wit him or he’ll straight snap yo neck
    But this ain’t church, fool!
    It’s as real as it gets
    I’m on an ark muthafucka don’t you ever forget!

    I love the original. This needs work, but it’s a start.

  • Rebecca

    I can’t imagine 7 of every clean creature and 2 of every unclean creature on a boat. Or is that 2 of every animal? I’ve read both stories about the same event in the same fictional book called the Bible. So…which is it?

  • ATL-Apostate

    Oh yeah, forgot to say


  • Ross Cunningham

    Opening stanza:

    Oh shoot! Get your floaties ready!
    It’s about to rain down!
    Everybody in the race, you’re going to heck,
    But stay in your (literally) God-damned homes!
    We’re building this ark, yo!

    (“homes” and “yo” are close enough to a rhyme for a rap song)

    There’s no actual cursing unless used in the Biblical sense (like damned) because this is a Christian song, darn it!


  • Nexus

    This is such a great, creative distraction from an essay I’m writing!

    I’m on ark, motherfucker, make sure you can see
    Straight sinkin’ in this boat really made for three,
    Poppin’ gopher wood, chillin’ in an amusement park
    You can’t float me, Christ-lover, cause this won’t embark!

    Take a shovel, lad
    I’m on a ark, bitch
    They wanna reminisce,
    Cause it’s so amiss
    You want your land back
    And a pooper-scooper
    We hate the myth, these people
    Straight in a stupor

    I’m down with Dawkins, all that logic and shit
    The skeptics fightin’, getting everybody all mad
    But this ain’t God’s world, this for my a-thee-ists
    I’m on an ark, motherfucker, and you better be glad

    (and my favorite part, breakin’ out the Autotune!)
    Yeah, never thought I’d be on an ark
    It’s the biggest joke of the show(yeah)
    Oh Jessssuuus
    Look at mee, ohooohohohoh

    Never thought I’d see the way
    When this big ark’s makin’ my day
    Believe me when I say
    It’s them who got played!


  • If you can’t beat them piss them off by making their victory yours.

    For our Pastafarian friends this Ark they are building should really be a holy shrine for it seems to me that Noah was the First Pirate. Lets look at the truth behind the tale: Noah built the biggest pirate ship of all times, he pillaged the whole earth of its most precious cargo (it’s life) to preserve it, he and his crew escaped in a sea manifest by his almighty FSM filling the earth with his most perfect sauce, and in the end for all those left behind who might seek to do harm to Noah, were destroyed by his Divine Noodliness in a watery grave. A most divine and perfect legend of piracy indeed. For his great deed, Noah must be considered the first King of the Pirates and among the most holy to the Pastafarians. Unfortunately in time, the Christians ,descendents of his own crew they may be, sought to corrupt this most divine legend and fulfill their evil plot to steel illegally and in cowardice that which Noah had stolen legally thru the miracle intervention of his divine Noodliness, And so they build their shrine to their false gods, knowing not the truth but only the lie handed down to them by their mutinous ancestors. And in doing so, they are really creating a most holy site for the true believers, the “Shrine of the Pirate King”. In homage I think it is the responsibility of every true believer to make offerings of rum, pirate flags, and parchment bestowing the truth of Noah the Pirate King and the treachery of those who would steal the true meaning of the ark. We should encourage attendees to the shrine to dress in their most ceremonial pirate attire and then preform a gig on this most holy a shrine to let his most Noodly Lord know that the faithful have not forgotten the truth and are not afraid to celebrate his glory.

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