A Creation Museum Theme Park Contest November 22, 2010

A Creation Museum Theme Park Contest

By Guest Contributor
November 22, 2010

PZ Myers must have been the inspiration for the Creation Museum’s new idea:

The Creation Museum is planning a big announcement later this month about an expansion to its religious-themed attraction.

Few details have been revealed, but Boone County residents said they’ve heard the Petersburg attraction plans to build a theme park that promotes the same biblical worldview.

Or more like Ken Ham‘s people saw the success of the Holy Land Experience theme park in Florida and wanted to take away some of their clientele.

Here’s what I want to know:

What attractions will the Creation Museum Theme Park have?

The most amusing/entertaining/hilarious answer gets a $40 shopping spree to Atheist Tees (which has all sorts of merchandise)! Just insert the word “Taco” at the end of your entry to be considered for the prize.

(The contest is open to everybody, not just US residents. I’ll pick the winner next week and that person will be notified via email. Thanks!)

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  • Erin

    The riders will be forced to endure a Woman’s studies class at a major university. Now that would scare some fundies! “Taco”

  • John Green

    A roller coaster led by Jesus riding into Jerusalem on the back of a Triceratops on Palm Sunday.

    “Taco”
    taco

  • BrianE

    King David’s FunHouse of a 1000 Wives and Concubines!

    Taco

  • Alexis

    A Raging Rapids Baptism ride. Experience the blessed rite of baptism with a dozen of your closest friends! Any one who is not thoroughly soaked at the end of this ride is condemned to Hell for all eternity.

    taco

  • Gabriel

    There will be signs in front of every ride informing the customers that none of the rides had been tested using godless science and enginering. That all of the rides were constructed after prayerful consultation with god and that any harm or death must be retribution by god against sinners.

    “The Stoning”

    “Drop to Hell”

    “Bears killing teenagers”

    “Rape and marriage”

  • John Green

    A Hall of Mirrors maze where people will see their own fears and prejudices reflected as distorted images of god.

  • Slider33

    Noah’s Ark Puzzle Time

    Scale model of the ark with animals (dinosaurs included!) Find out how many different species you can cram in the ark!

    Taco

  • Brittany

    It’ll be like a virtual video game where people will spend some time in the Garden of Eden before the fall, and then they’ll see Eve eat the apple, and then they’ll all have to deal with the expulsion from paradise.

    Taco.

  • Crucifixion, not an actor like that other park, you! And not fake nails either.

    Taco

  • John Green

    Win fun and exciting prizes at King David’s Ring Toss, by throwing Philistine foreskins onto pop bottles!

  • Dave

    The Banana Flume! Ride in yellow vehicles designed to perfectly fit your ass, through a wonderful landscape filled with scenes that the museum had to cut for room. At the end, plunge down a slide into a dark tunnel where you get wet and then ask forgiveness.

    Taco.

  • Slider33

    @ John Green
    King David’s “Ring” Toss. ROFL.

  • Dave B

    Every hour on the hour, you can watch a magic show in which a man is created whole from nothing, then has a rib ripped out which turns into a woman. On display in line for this show, there is be a jar of peanut butter which constantly falsifies evolution by not spontaneously producing modern life forms.

  • John Green

    Visit the Defender of the Faith shooting gallery where you can blast away as likenesses of Dawkins, Hitchens, Darwin, and P.Z. Myers pop up.

    “Taco”
    taco

  • Doug Hooton

    The “Fall from Grace” ride. It will be a freefall tower ride shaped like an apple tree. Riders will be taken to the top, shown a video a woman eating an apple and then dropped back down to earth. It teaches people why god is mad at us, and shows that women are to blame for it.

    Taco

  • John Green

    Win fun and exciting prizes at King David’s Ring Toss, by throwing Philistine foreskins onto pop bottles!

    Oops – forgot to add “taco” on my original posting.

    “Taco”
    taco

  • John Green

    Be sure to pick up some deep-fried Manna and Eve’s caramel apples at the snack bar.

    Taco

  • Slider33

    Get persecuted like in the old days with “Christians in Lion Pits”!

    Taco.

  • Umkomasia

    One of those booths were they guess your age – but of fossils with a maximum of 6k years.

  • Joshua 10:13 tilt-a-whirl- At high speeds, the ride abruptly stops, causing all the riders to fly off the ride. Any head injuries can be attributed to being touched by the ‘holy-spirit’.

    Oppression funhouse-of-god – A hell house type attraction filled with models of whiny libruls, hairy femi-nazis and latte-carrying atheists with evil t-shirts whose heads periodically pop off (kill-bill style) because of piped-in bible verses. Guaranteed 100% fact free. “Taco”

  • Silent Service

    Last days of Enoch waterpark. Slide down the sinful path to watery doom for fun and prophet as Noah sails away to safety. Life Preservers optional.

    Taco

  • BamaPolyBiGuy1

    Okay:

    “Circular Reasoning”: A carousel going around a center where the words “The Bible is the True Word of God Because The Bible Say’s” painted on it.

    “Banana Boat”: One of those swinging pirate-ship things in the shape of a banana

    “The Leap of Faith”: A malfunctioning parachute ride that drops patrons at the top. Those of great enough faith will be saved from falling by God.

    “Flush the Stuff”: A toilet waterpark ride that people ride foam rafts printed to look like The Origin of Species and the like.

    “Record Breakers: A game where the player throws a baseball through black metal records.

    “Book Burners”: Another game where humanist books are set up like milk jugs and are knocked over into the flaming barrels behind them.

  • Walk On Water Experience! A pool where visitors can walk on water. Just like Jebus! (for a small nominal fee)

    Save The Heathen! Similar to a shooting gallery except instead of rifles and ducks you have bibles to throw at scrolling heathens. Hit the heathen with a bible, win a prize. What prize? Additional salvation and a montly dinner with Jebus in the after life.

    Oppression Expression – This interactive exhibit will teach you how to prove you are being oppressed for your beliefs. You will be able to scream at simluated teachers/politicians and ebil ebil atheists. The best screamer per group wins an autographed copy of the bible.

    A diorama of PZ Myers burning in Hell to serve as an example for those that don’t believe.

    Taco

  • BamaPolyBiGuy1

    Okay:

    “Circular Reasoning”: A carousel going around a center where the words “The Bible is the True Word of God Because The Bible Say’s” painted on it.

    “Banana Boat”: One of those swinging pirate-ship things in the shape of a banana

    “The Leap of Faith”: A malfunctioning parachute ride that drops patrons at the top. Those of great enough faith will be saved from falling by God.

    “Flush the Stuff”: A toilet waterpark ride that people ride foam rafts printed to look like The Origin of Species and the like.

    “Record Breakers: A game where the player throws a baseball through black metal records.

    “Book Burners”: Another game where humanist books are set up like milk jugs and are knocked over into the flaming barrels behind them.

    (Darn it! I forgot the first time. And I knew I would forget it as soon as I started.)

    Taco

  • Tyler

    Like DisneyWorld’s Tower of Terror, it will have a Tower of Babel ride. But this is MUCH scarier than the Tower of Terror. Instead of visions of ghosts and stuff, you’ll see Biblical people suddenly speak bizarre, hard-to-hear languages like Esperanto, Welsh, and Hippie. And the drop sequence involves dropping Bibles into your laps. Those waiting in line can help themselves to the Create-Your-Own-Sunday-Worship bar.

    Taco.

  • Mariela

    A roller coaster simulating paradise and original sin. At the beginning it’s really fun, and you are weaving through a beautiful forest full of happy animals and flowers and nice smells. Then you go by the snake and the evil, evil woman who is eating an apple. Suddenly there’s loud thunder and lightning. After that it’s the most terrifying roller coaster ride of your life. It throws you side to side in the dark, really fast, ending in a fiery “crash” (fast and long vertical drop into a dark hole, surrounded by real fire) simulating hell. It smells of sulfur, too. You come out of the free fall into a glowing room full of clouds and singing angels where a big voice tells you that you’ll go to hell if you don’t follow Jeeeesus (who is a giant animatronic waving at you from above, with glowing eyes). Your heart at this point is pumping so fast and you are so full of adrenaline that, of course, you totally agree with them.

    The ride takes pictures near the bottom of the free fall, and you can buy them once you come out of the ride. They should serve as a reminder of why you should always follow Jesus – you never want to be that terrified again.

    Actually, I can see them building this. It could be highly effective if you believe that crap (and utterly hilarious if you don’t).

    taco! yum!

  • Craig

    “The Siege of Jericho” ride. Think like one of those special-effects blowing up around you type rides. Complete with marching around the city blowing on horns to knock over the walls, and burning the city down will all inhabitants still inside.

    Taco

  • Triggerfishgal

    How about a Bible themed arcade?

    Angel’s Arcade: Play the Avenging Angel video game, where you play Michael and smite down those that offend God with your Sword of Fire. Noah’s Raging Rapids: Help Noah navigate the Ark past mountain tops and dinosaur carcasses as he weathers out the Great Flood.

    Jesus and the Lepers: how many disease and sin riddled zombies can you save before Satan comes to collect their rotten souls? Sodom’s Sorrow: can you escape the city of Sodom before God destroys it?

    Sin City: Garden of Eden–You are Adam. Ruler of the Garden of Eden. B*$ch slap your woman, Eve, as she tries to talk you into eating the Fruit of Forbidden Knowledge. Kill snakes when you see them. Have sex anytime and run around in naked bliss. Fight to protect your innocence, before you end up bringing Original Sin into the world.

    Taco

  • Jeff Sherry

    Visitors eaten by a T-Rex and going through the body as a corpolite. But the creation museum won’t be that exciting, considering they put forth the idea that none of the dinosaurs were meat eaters when they co-existed with man.

  • Richard P.

    Roller coaster ride through the seven levels of hell. Including fire & brimstone.

    Taco

  • JohnJay

    Its not really in line with creation science (which tries to explain the world we see using biblical rationalizations)… so no taco here… but it would be neat to go really big and really fundie:

    Ya know that Epcott Ball? (Spaceship Eath). Build something like that, but have it be a model of the biblical cosmos. It can be called… 7th Heaven. You take slow elevators (or Jacob’s ladder) up through the seven heavens till you reach god’s throne. They can pattern what’s in each heaven using the books of Enoch. (While not part of the bible, they describe the prevailing view around 100BCE.) Maybe instead, call it “Enoch’s Wild Ride”. Here is some concept art already done:
    http://unchangingword.com/graphics/Ancient%20Cosmology2.jpg

  • BrianE

    LeviticusLand – a section of the theme park where you can live under the laws of Leviticus!

    – Keep a satchel full of rocks at your side in case you come across any of those pesky homosexuals. You know what to do…
    – Properly prepare your burnt offering to the lord and yourself in our self-service cafeteria.

    – Play a game of Cooties with menstruating women; they’re unclean after all.

    Taco

  • Keyla

    Noah’s Flood Water Adventure: The largest indoor attraction of the theme park! Experience Noah’s flood from the perspective of the heathens. Watch as a replica of the arc floats away amongst a realistically looking rainstorm, and get readdy to get wet! Make sure to bring a wholesome bathing suit. Pets and babies are welcome. 😉

    A theme park can’t exist without food stands. Forget about turket legs and funnel cakes. Sample menu:

    $10/glass Jesus “wine” (water. Just add faith to turn into wine)

    unicorn on a stick

    Special barley cakes

    dinosaur TACO!

  • Instead of a fun house they’d have a “Faith House.” (Because enjoying yourself too much strays from the path of Godliness.)

    It doesn’t have any actual mirrors in it, but those of true faith will be able to see themselves next to God in the empty frames…everyone else will just see a wall.

  • Reginald Selkirk

    Or more like Ken Ham‘s people saw the success of the Holy Land Experience theme park in Florida and wanted to take away some of their clientele.

    Kent Hovind had a theme park in Florida, Dinosaur Adventure Land, which has fallen on hard times since “Dr. Dino” got sent to prison for tax evasion. Maybe AiG is trying to fill that market niche.

  • Digitus Impudicus

    Noah’s Log Ride: Guests ride miniature ark replicas down a log flume that is 40 days and nights of fun. 9 out of 10 riders are drowned when the ride starts.

    Noah’s Petting Zoo: Cram all the animals you can find into a full-scale ark, along with the guests, and watch the fecal hilarity ensue.

    Balaam’s Donkey Ride: A cash-strapped Eddie Murphy lends his voice to this animal-themed race track ride. (With apologies to Mike Myers).

    Elijah’s Vomit Comet: Guests are strapped into whirlwind-shaped seats and spun violently as they zoom up and down the Prayer-tech ™ certified tracks.

    Substitutionary Atonement Ferris Wheel: Watch Ken Ham scream loudly about the ridiculously high price of this ride, and then offer to go talk with himself about a discount. Riding is only half-the fun!

    No Evidence Needed Arcade: The games all seem irreducibly complex, but all you need to do is plug your ears and shout “LA LA LA!” to win!

    Talking Reptile House: This feature is on hiatus pending the results of a lawsuit from J.K Rowling.

    Taco

  • Tim

    Forget the rides…the real attraction will be in the bathrooms.

    Each urinal/toilet will be painted with the face of a different atheist/humanist/skeptic/etc., and the Christians will be encouraged to “baptize” the unbelievers with their “holy water.”

    Now, I won’t delve into fecal metaphors, but the toilet paper will be printed with The Origin of Species, The God Delusion, and Harry Potter.

    Above the sinks will be charming signs reading: “Jesus may have washed your soul clean of sin, but please wash your hands!”

    Taco

  • “Ride the drunken Lot!”

    Note: You must be this related to Lot in order to go on this ride

    Taco

  • mike

    I predict cluelessly carnal carny attractions for example

    Culture War Combat (fighting with two staffs covered in foam): “Fight the Anti-Creation Hippy, Be a Culture Warrior, Fight with your own Pro-Creation Staff

    Taco

  • Aberforth

    The success of the Holy Land Experience? I was under the impression a couple of years ago that they were on the verge of bankruptcy. A Christian broadcasting company took over the facility to try to keep it alive and use the area for filming (which was NOT pleasant for those of us who lived in the apartment complex across the street, though it was kind of amusing to say “DAMN IT!” and hear a heavenly choir immediately afterwards.)

  • Ubi Dubium

    The Holy Roller Coaster. It’s straight and narrow, and really really boring. (see this sign at the “museum”). But everybody who rides it tells everybody else what a great ride it is, and they ride it over and over and over, convincing themselves that it’s the best ride ever, and that everybody who won’t ride it is “evil”.

    Taco!

  • sven

    Sell tap water in wine bottles, and charge ’em 20 bucks a piece.

    Taco

  • Dakota Bob

    I imagine the most popular ride of the theme park would be the “Marriage Bed” where they can participate in a holy foursome with Rev. Cedric Miller, his wife, and a rentboy of your choosing! (Just as God intended! tickets are 20$)

    Taco

  • catsnjags

    If there isn’t a Jonah in the Whale boat ride, with real whale breath smells and stomach acid, I’m gonna be real pissed.

    Taco

  • ehoffman

    Well, I’m more concerned with the snacks, which at some theme parks qualify as an attraction unto themselves… so I’m predicting

    Angels Wings cotton candy – 100% hand spun from the wings of angels

    Hellzapoppin’ Popcorn – popped over fires just like those which await nonbelievers in hell! hahahaha! (sigh)

    Cross-shaped Popsicles – because the regular ones are way too phallic for this theme park.

    And “Dino Kabobs” – big chunks of (alligator) meat on a stick, just like our ancestors would’ve eaten when they were, you know, co-existing with those vegetarian dinos.

    Taco. (which I’m having trouble coming up with a theme for. ahem.)

  • Mina

    I don’t have any clever post. But I can laugh for hours just reading all of the above.

    Taco

  • Shawn

    A Brontosaurus tail slide.
    A foot powered car.
    Stone houses with hog garbage disposals.
    Flying Pterodactyl Ride.

    All to the tune of ‘The Flintstones’.

    Taco

  • The Hellicoaster: It terrifies the riders by plunging down towards hell. Only by reaffirming to give your life to Jesus will it curve back up towards heaven. There will, of course, be the obligatory sign at the beginning that states that if you don’t really reaffirm your faith while on the ride, Jesus will know it and you will suffer the consequences later on.

    Taco

  • Joe franke

    A roller coster ride that goes into hell. In hell all the atheist and Hitler will be there. Then Jesus will be the one who opens the bars and let’s them out at the end

  • Joe franke

    Erm above post is taco

  • Kevin

    Take a Bite of Knowledge: aka Bobbing for Apples

    In case original sin wasn’t enough, experience it for yourself.

    Taco

  • RollTheBones

    Whack a Jew
    Tilt a Fact
    Flat Earth Train Ride
    Ferris Bueller was a heretic Wheel
    The 6000 year old Roller Coaster
    Milk a Chritians life savings bottle toss
    Heretic Sizzler
    History Scrambler
    The Kiddie nightmare inducing burn in hell devil’s Tumble Bug
    The Moby Dick ate Jonah Belly Ride
    The Harry Potter is an Apostate Ring Toss
    End of Days Screaming Sky Drop

    haha, Taco

  • Pin the nail on Jesus.

  • AZ Archie

    …animatronic Mr Deity explaining the exhibits
    …Amway sponsored pyramid exhibit
    …Movie showing of Torah Torah Torah
    …Abram explaining that his wife is his sister but they may not be rednecks

    Taco

  • Pin the nail on Jesus.

    Taco

  • Ed

    Noah’s Adventure combination petting zoo and water ride. Enjoy bouncing through waves in a small wooden arc with a group of friendly farm animals. Thrill to the crack of simulated lightning and roar of thunder. Laugh as your friends try to avoid the panicked animals as they race about the craft. Watch those horns and hooves! Rubber boots recommended.

    Taco

  • Emory

    There needs to be a game where the purpose is to run away from the approaching flood waters at least as fast as the olive tree next to you to survive.
    A game based on Judges 1:19 where you need to sabotage the enemy’s “iron chariots” so God won’t be defeated
    A quiz-show styled game where you are asked if a number of people deserve to go to hell… the answer is yes except for zombie dude
    “the persecutor” a ride that tortures you either until you denounce Jesus (at which point you lose and are taken for further “education”) or you die (if you die without denouncing Jesus your going to heaven, so killing you is good, right)
    Finally, another gameshow in which the contestant is asked weather a particular bible verse is meant literally or not
    taco

  • “Extreme Evidence!”, a wild thrill-ride rollercoaster taking riders on a 70-mile-an-hour tour through the mountains of evidence of creation by a loving God.*

    * actual ride consists of a few dilapidated coaster cars sitting haphazardly in a field.

  • Hangnail

    At disney, they have a “raiders of the lost ark” ride where you get to see a flood come at you. I imagine they would have a Noah’s Ark ride where you get to see flood waters purge all the sinful animals, and plant life from the planet.

    Or maybe “Rapture passes” where you get pulled out of line and get to go straight to the ride.
    Taco

  • WingedBeast

    The simplest, best, and truest horror ride would be where they are shown non-Christians being all persecuty by insisting they have rights, too.

    Taco.

  • Eric

    The number one ride would be “The Journey of Faith”; it’s where you sit in a room and someone tells you what the ride is. After that you have to bring in a friend. Taco

  • cat

    A circle where pi equals three. 112% faith based mathematics. Anyone who doubts or tries to measure it themselves will fall down a trapdoor into a pit of fire. Using a calculator, computer, or other heathen instrument of technology is twice as bad, as declared by God, but the punishment will be the exact same, as usual.

    Taco.

  • Parse

    Darnit, Keyla, you took the idea I was going to use. Except I was going to add ‘Scuba tanks available at an additional charge.’

    Therefore, the backup idea:
    The JeriCoaster! A simple coaster, with no hills or dips, that circles around a model city. It closes every seven days because some unknown vandal keeps knocking down the wall around the city.

    Or, for the more discriminating (and old-enough) guests, there’ll be:
    The Garden! A casual hangout, to live like we did before the fall: naked and carefree! To avoid any temptation by walking serpents, no women will be allowed in. Actually, to avoid any temptation at all, no men will be allowed in, either. We’ll be told it’s a very nice place, though.

    And finally, for the younger crowds, who want more interactive exhibits, there’s:
    The Re-risen! The heathens Lazarus was buried with have stolen Jesus’s gift! Return those zombies to the grave using these divine shotguns, because only Lazarus is allowed to return from the dead! (Well, him and Jesus.) Be careful not to shoot any of the mourners – and if you hit Jesus himself, you’re immediately escorted off the premises.

    Taco

  • Icaarus

    To enter you must present the ‘holy book’ to your ticket taker. If you have the correct book you are told where the real entrance is. All others are sent to Dante’s playground.

    Dante’s Playground: A single judging rude arrogant ogre like man determines your greatest ‘sin’ then sends you to the appropriate circle for the rest of the day.

    Yes you payed $60 bucks a piece to get separated from your family and sent to ‘hell’ for the day. Furthermore no-one knows what heaven looks like because everyone brings the ‘wrong’ book.

    Taco

    P.S. There are some great responses above I really enjoyed the laughs. The 4some one is especially awesome.

  • Gordon

    Pascal’s Wager – a waltzer that flings you in the air part way through the ride, will you cling to the Jesus hands on the ceiling or fall to the ground?

    Rapture Redy – hidden chutes underneath the queues for other rides, will you be ejected into the gift shop or… left behind

    taco

  • Inthewater

    Oh man….it hurts. Please stop.

    Getting funny looks from co-workers due to loud outbursts of laughter.

    😀

  • Chris

    Lots Escape. You have to get out of the city of Sodom before it burns. You have two daughters that you can use to distract lustful mobs and two angel boosts to get an extra boost of speed. If you linger too long at any of the debauchery in the city, you become a pillar of salt.

    Taco

  • Hazor

    The Biblical Creature Petting Zoo!
    Ever wanted to get up close to a unicorn or a cockatrice? How about a leviathan or even the seven-headed beast of the apocalypse? Well now you can!

    No hand sanitizer or hand washing sinks are provided. God will heal you if you get sick from (mythical-)animal-borne pathogens.

    With that, I find it worth pointing out that Mr. Ham’s particular beliefs don’t go along with the idea of different levels of heaven/hell. Those are specific to certain denominations.

    Taco?

  • Ross Cunningham

    Rapture: The Ride!

    Similar to Acrophobia (really tall sudden-drop ride), except, after the South American pastor claiming to be the second coming appears, some seats fly up into the air and some drop down into the ground, symbolizing going to heaven or hell.

    Taco.

  • Green Dragoon

    The Disney ride “It’s a Small World” is just as nauseating as the Creation Museum, and it also seems to brainwash our youth. So why not a ride called “It’s a Young World?”

    The outer façade of the building can have a stylized cutout reminiscent of the Tower of Babylon in construction, complete with little figurines representing the builders…

    The doors open to reveal boats, which travel on holy water. They take riders through a tunnel into the show building, which is much larger than the façade. This portion of the ride features singing animatronic dolls in really stereotypical costumes. Riders visit different rooms, which represent the following:

    • The Garden of Eden, which greets guests to the attraction, and shows God and a recently revived Adam. The latter has a scar on his side. Twined around a far-off tree, a Snake gives Eve an apple. All four sing “It’s a Young World After All!”

    • The Wilderness, with Cain singing while he clubs Abel to death. Pterodactyls fly by.

    • On the Ark, with Noah and his animals singing in unison while everyone else drowns. Dead bodies float by, along with a few dinosaur carcasses and a dead, pink, translucent unicorn…

    • Jerusalem, with a bloody, crucified Jesus singing “I Will Love You, After All!” in Aramaic. Witnesses to the crucifixion sing a modified version.

    From this point, the lyrics in the different rooms change to:
    “Jesus Loves You, After All!
    Jesus Loves You, After All!
    It’s a Young, Young World!”

    • South America, with the song sung in Spanish. The surviving indigenous people are shown at a church, complete with smallpox scars and crucifix necklaces. They are cheerful, but in a forced way, as they bury their dead and ring the church bell. The missionaries are drinking the sacramental wine a little too much…

    • England, with Emma Wedgwood singing with a Cockney accent to her husband, Charles Darwin. He hangs his head in shame…

    • Africa, with the rhythm of the song marked with drums and then sung in English by missionaries. In the background, Christian “archaeologists” uncover the remains of a triceratops and an ancient saddle. (never mind that triceratops never lived in Africa)

    • The Finale Room, with representatives from all the cultures of the world dressed in white versions of their native costumes and singing in English in unison. A resplendent Jesus is also there, along with the repentant Richard Dawkins, PZ Myers, and Hemant Mehta, who have just become born-again Christians. PZ spears a squid to show allegiance to his new zombie overlord. Meanwhile, animatronic dolls walk into the holy water river for baptism.
    • As you leave the ride, Ken Ham hands you a complementary Bible.

    This ride emphasizes the theme that the world is young and small, and sneaks in the point that we need Jesus’s love to stay interconnected.

    Yuck!

    Taco.

  • Wall’s Dad

    An intricate and confusing maze in which you arrive at the exit fully entertained without entering.

  • Kimpatsu

    A baptismal water slide, complete with life-size Jebus statue to act as a lightning rod.
    Taco.

  • Don Rose

    “The Fortune Teller”

    Ask the magic fortune teller in the clouds to answer a question, or grant a wish.

    Whatever happens next….. is absolute proof that the fortune teller works in mysterious ways.

    Taco

  • Don Rose

    “The Slingshot to Heaven”

    Riders get a once-in-a-lifetime thrill ride from a giant slingshot, aimed at the clouds. Weeeeeeeeeee!

    Taco

  • Don Rose

    Sideshow attraction “Meet God!”

    Enter the tent, and you’re immediately shot in the head. Don’t keep god waiting!

    Taco

  • Don Rose

    Whack-a-Moses

    Taco

  • Don Rose

    “Where’s Father Waldo?”

    Father Waldo is hidden somewhere in the park, molesting an altar boy.

    If you can find him…… there’s no prize. We just move him to another area of the park!

    Taco

    (Okay, I’ll stop now. But, this is too much fun!)

  • Earl

    The Garden of Eden Interactve Experience – complete with venomous snake and poisenous apple!

    Naoh’s Ark Interactive Experience – shovel the most shit and win a prize!

    Soddom and Gomorah – Not just interactive, but Total Immersion!

    Fight Goliath – with nothing but a slingshot!

    taco

  • Disconverted

    A ride that explains how the devil hid all the dinosaur fossils in the soil and a “dunk the Richard Dawkins look-a-like” game.

    taco

  • Pixelpusher7

    Don’t Spill The Seed!

    Relive Onan’s adventure in Genesis 38! Onan was supposed to get his brother’s wife, Tamar, pregnant; instead he “spilled” his seed on the ground and God slew him.

    This game of agility lets you give poor Onan a second chance! Steer Onan on the right path this time and make sure Tamar gets pregnant!

    And remember: Don’t Spill The Seed!

    Taco

  • Either a Vegas like casino called Sodom and Gomorah or a “You missed the Ark” water ride.

    taco

  • Edmond

    Cruc-i-whirl!! Wheeee!!

  • Nakor

    At every attraction would be a St. Augustine animated statue that would wave a finger at you and warn you not to have any fun, because pleasure outside of God himself is tantamount to fornication.

    Taco

  • Tim R.

    All of these rides are great, but everyone is going to need a little place to sit down, and refuel…

    So come on down to The Messiah’s All You Can Eat Seafood Buffet!

    Located at the Sermon on the Mound Food Court, this first class restaurant features unlimited refills of fish and bread, and even has a water-to-wine happy hour! So bring your friends, bring the family, and don’t forget to tithe to your host.

    Tonight’s special: fish…

    taco

  • Eric

    New for the first time: The Crucifixion Challenge! Step up and test your meddle against the Almighty Himself. Can you endure 40 lashings, a crown of thorns, a spear in the ribs, and hanging from the very same (replica) nails that Jesus endured? Make sure to forgive your oppressors or you’ll be disqualified!! Medics will be on site to help you “rise again” if you cant live up to our Savior. A sponge soaked in wine will be offered as a consolation prize to those not holy enough to survive!

    Taco

  • Andrew

    While I love Baptism Rapids and the Defenders of Faith Shooting Gallery (now we know why they took PZ’s picture), here are my entries.

    Tunnel of Unconditional Love – using child like characters as in Disney’s Small World after a brief tour of godly and goodless life in a 1950ish America we plunge first into a viewer friendly but theologically correct depiction of hell (taken that Dawkins and your claims of child abuse). Then we are washed into a depiction of heaven complete with gold streeted villages, endless family picnics, and finally a rousing round of cheribic and in tune childrens’ choirs.

    The Mark of the Beast Rollercoaster with 666 loops.

    Reformation the Ride – after your Bible shaped buggy enters through Wittenburg’s church door encounter Luther, Zwingli, Calvin, Wycliffe, and all the other greats.

    taco

  • Lions, and lots of ’em.

    Taco

  • Edmond

    Cruc-i-whirl!! Wheeee!!

    heh, forgot to say

    taco

  • Joe Montoto

    Try your luck at the 1 Samuel 18:27 game! Just like the Whack-A-Mole game, you can be David, where you will have the opportunity to lop the foreskins off of Philistines popping up randomly from the board! Collect 200 foreskins and move on to the next phase…Moses’ Run! The enormous pool parts at random times! Run away from the Yul Brynner look-alike without getting wet as the waves come crashing back! Exit through the gift shop, where you can buy a freshly cooked bag of fried calamari “foreskin” rings for a snack and make a tithe for jesus (tax-deductible, of course)!

    TACO

  • Transcendantal God Rock

    Sin-a-max theater ride through heresy. Showing: From Galileo to Dawkins: Thinking is a bad idea. TACO

  • David F

    A game where you are the angel of death and kill all the first born, but skip those houses with lambs blood on their door.
    I was thinking a shooting game to keep the carnival feeling, but this is a theme park, so I think they can invest in making a mock miniature village to complete the serial killer/genocide experience.

  • Ubi Dubius

    The Mad Tea Party ride. It makes a lot of spin; people are screaming; you’re going nowhere; and you might get in hot water. TACO

  • flawedprefect

    The Rollercoaster to Damascus. So scary, it’s guaranteed to scare the bejebus into any Godless infidel! (moneyback guarantee)

  • Brian C Posey

    I don’t know if I’d trust a theme park built by people who believes things are “just theories”.

    Roller Coasters … gravitational theory — just a theory

    Food preparation … germ theory — just a theory

  • Neil

    The Garden of Eden nudie bar. There’s no shame in it.

    Disclaimer: No “Steves” admitted.

    Taco.

  • Nicole

    The most popular attraction will the the “Be Fruitful and Multiply Adult Bouncer” A park employee will play God and randomly pick two ticket holders for a private five minute “bounce” after which they will be given an apple and get kicked out of the park.

  • Tony

    Two ideas here: Firstly it would be important to introduce visitors to the most virtuous man in the twin cities of Sodom and Gomorrah so the visitors get to dress up as Lot’s daughters and get their “daddy” drunk enough to have it off with them so that they can have his babies and, um, repopulate the earth…

    Second idea is to show God’s game side and run a book allowing visitors to bet on how much torment you have to subject Job to in order to make him question God. Visitors can buy their betting tokens in the shape of the Almighty or in the shape of the Infernal Fallen One depending on which way they are betting!

    Taco

  • You will give them $50 for a ticket for what they claim is the greatest roller coaster ever. You stand in line next to a line of people waiting for a roller coaster ride at a theme park next door. During which you are allowed to mock the people in the other line for not having tickets to the most awesomest roller coast in all of creation. After standing in line for several hours, you pass through a door leading to the roller coaster. However, once past the door, you find that there is no roller coaster. You ask the attendant where is the roller coaster. His reply is that your faith in the roller coaster wasn’t strong enough, but if you give them $50 more and stand in line again, you’ll be guaranteed the most awesome ride ever, as long as you have enough faith. Taco.

  • Harris/Dawkins 2012? In their mercandise. Really? Um, they are aware that non-citizens can’t be elected, right? Even naturualized citizens can’t run for president. I know they’re trying to be funny but that just makes them look as stupid as Palin.

  • Lauren

    “Enormous Eglon’s Epic Evisceration”

    Take a stab at King Eglon and watch him poo all over himself!

    From Judges 3:15-25 (specifically, 22)

    Taco!

  • numsix

    Hope no one used this yet:

    “House Abraham”, just like House of the future from the 50s, but more of a Flinstone look. Dinosaurs for animal labour etc.

    Taco

  • An empty room to illustrate God. Taco.

  • RiftchaserMej

    A boat ride through a tunnel of love . . . the boats seat only one person, and the tunnel is of love for Jesus.

    Taco

  • Clyde

    Or you can play a game of “Heave Offerings,” similar to horse shoes except using chunks of charred flesh.

  • Clyde

    Oops, Taco

  • Mark

    One attraction will be called “Dig for Jesus” which will be comprised of a large dirt field with dinosaur bones buried in it. Kids and adults alike can forage for the bones. The lucky believer who finds one has to explain how it got there.

    Those who answer “God put them there to test my faith” will win a prize. The prizes will consist of life size stuffed animals that they can choose from a life size Noah’s ark.

    All other answers will result in being buried up to their neck in the hole they just dug, whereupon other spectators will throw stones at the exposed head until their faith is restored.

    Everyone wins when you Dig for Jesus!

    “Taco”

  • Clyde

    Or, perhaps, an exciting game of “Pin Mary on the Donkey.”
    Taco

  • Alexis

    Good ideas. Let’s hope it ends up just like Jim Bakker’s Heritage USA:http://illicitohio.com/SBNO/heritage/heritage01.html

  • Natalie

    Have you ever played Monkey Island? There’s a roller coaster that dunks the riders in lava, killing them, and creating more undead minions for the park operators.

    I predict that the creation museum will have a similar roller-coaster-into-a-pit-of-fire, but instead of literally turning the riders into new skeletal minions, it’ll merely scare the living hell out of them to create new tithers.

    Too likely to be true?

    Taco!

  • “The Dance of Salome” A ride similar to the whirling teacups ride at Disneyland where the riders spin around before a larger than life animatronic Herod and are then given a stuffed-animal replica of the head of John the Baptist as a souvenir.

    “Stone the Heathen” is an obvious carnival style game using beanbag stones. (At least `til the evangelical revolution makes using real stones against real heathens legal)

    “Christians and Lions” Sort of a bumper car style ride where riders try to get away from automated lions; they get to ride as long as they can avoid the lions which deactivate the riders individual cars. The cars can be made to look like chariots to extend the Roman theme.

    “Moses on the Nile” A relaxing gentle boat ride in gondolas made up like wicker baskets

    Taco

  • ian

    A rigged shooting gallery. Shoot crosses at little jesus figures, but jesus h christ, they keep popping back up.
    Fun for all ages

    TACO

  • Wall’s Dad

    Wall’s Dad Says:
    November 22nd, 2010 at 5:29 pm
    An intricate and confusing maze in which you arrive at the exit fully entertained without entering.
    Addendum: Afterwards you can buy pictures of yourself in the maze.

  • RollTheBones

    I Tried to Get Saved at the Creation Museum and all I got was this lousy tee-shirt.

    taco

  • Ryan Tombleson

    Using the picture as inspiration, I suspect an attraction may be a mechanical dinosaur in which patrons can ride, similar in fashion to the mechanical bulls that frequent country western establishments.

    Taco

  • @muggle,

    “Harris/Dawkins 2012? In their mercandise(sic). Really? Um, they are aware that non-citizens can’t be elected, right? Even naturualized(sic) citizens can’t run for president. I know they’re trying to be funny but that just makes them look as stupid as Palin.”

    I’m stupid? That design is my second strongest seller.
    Thanks for the marketing advice, but I’ll keep my own counsel in that area. I’ll consult with you when I’m looking for advice on humor, kindness, sentence structure or spelling.

  • ScottWe

    From a friend:
    This magical place will be called “Adventure World”. A promised paradise (for a minor entrance fee), where kids are taught to believe that there is no other theme park and if they behave and don’t eat from the exorbitantly high priced kiosk, They may one day get to not only queue for 4 hours, but also ride the heavenly Go-Karts!

    From me:
    Tending to the theme “creation”, there will be hundreds of chemical soup bowls, crystal making kits, computers where you can create your own “perfect” animals – all where you can play “god” and create.
    No, wait… doesn’t that sound too much like science?

    🙂

    Taco Taco

  • JG

    Space Only Has The Appearance Of Being Old Mountain

    taco

  • Danny

    The Let There Be Lightshow.

    Taco