Are There Marriage Preparation Classes for Atheists?

Look online for group alternatives. You might be able to find a source that way.

I’ve been enjoying the forums at Offbeat Bride, but you need to register. Don’t be put-off; it only takes a hot second. A Practical Wedding blog is also full of thoughtful articles that are usually non-religious. My antitheist fiancee and I (also antitheist) aren’t planning on doing any formal prep work but we are making a point to get in the habit of taking our arguments/disagreements to their sources, not just smoothing over the surface of them. This is helpful and awesome, and I feel so confident about our marriage.

cheers.

My wife and I (of four months) attended pre-marriage counseling sessions with an advanced counseling psychology Ph.D. student (year 4) at the university we both attend. The fees were subsidized by the psych department (we paid $15 per hour session). I believe our counselor was also earning hours towards a requirement for the degree.

I can relate as I was just looking into a 12-step addiction-type program, and one of the basics of joining was realizing that God was responsible for all of my healing and at least half of the steps involved some sort of recognition of faith.

Why do so many good things people do to better themselves have to be tainted with such B.S.?

My husband and I didn’t attend a marriage prep course; we ended up kind of doing it ourselves. I was completely unsure about “marriage”, although was perfectly happy to create a life with this guy. We were also ridiculously young (I was 19 when we moved in together and got engaged.) So we explored that and other aspects of what our expectations were.

It might be useful to put a time limitation on topics (a minimum and/or a maximum: twenty minutes to an hour or something) so that you’re encouraging conversation but there’s a built in break. If the conversation is interesting, there’s no need to quit after a specific time, but it does allow for an out if buttons are pressed and people need a cooling off period.

Get Rich Slowly had an interesting article that sums up some of the financial aspect of what we talked about: http://www.getrichslowly.org/blog/2010/05/05/the-business-of-marriage-five-things-you-should-do-before-tying-the-knot/
Some of our other topics included: children (have them or not? If so, when/how. philosophies of parenting, schooling, ethical upbringing), extended family (how to deal with dysfunctional family, religious family, etc), work, domestic responsibilities, living preferences, living arrangements, financial arrangements, life aspirations and goals, education aspirations and goals, conflict resolution, relationship expectations (monogamy, polyamory, boundaries and taboos, etc.), philosophical differences. Obviously, that list will change depending on where you’re at in your life and who you both are.

One of the best things I learned from my queer friends and partners was that EVERYTHING in a relationship should be negotiable and open for discussion. Not that a person shouldn’t have boundaries, but that the assumption of who puts what where or who’s playing what role isn’t a given — same for relationships. It’s better to know early on that where pitfalls and irreconcilable differences exist (and either adjust expectations or partners), than to be surprised after a couple of kids and a decade or two.

Obviously, not everyone is so comfortable with communication and a freeform learning process, so I can see why a class structure may appeal.

It may also be more financially available to you to see if there are (secular) counselors in the area that specialise in developing communication, if the above seems completely ridiculous. As someone who’s watch her parents abuse each other and her family fall apart and has a relatively successful marriage, communication and knowing your partner (and how/if they mesh with you) seems to be an important thing.

An interesting question, Hennepin County in Minnesota offers a discount on the marriage license fee to couples who have a notarized certificate showing they’ve attended pre-marital classes. As a secular officiant for weddings, I’d love to be able to refer some of the couples to local secular classes.

@Danish Atheist: I don’t know about in England but even among many non-religious couples in the US living together is often something that doesn’t happen until the couple is at least engaged.

I’m glad that you’re doing this, and I wish all couples got premarital counseling or training. Even if it’s more costly than you’d like to pay, it’s probably a good investment. About half of all marriages end in divorce, and I’d venture that premarital counseling could prevent much of that by either giving people skills to solve their relationship problems, or by discovering right at the start that they aren’t suitable for each other. Either way, there would be less heartache.

For those who are wondering why couples don’t just use common sense, keep in mind that each person brings into the relationship all sorts of attitudes, ideas, rules and regulations from their family of origin. Each family has its own sub-set of commonsensical ideas, and each has some missing. Each family has its own permissions and taboos about what should be talked about and what should be kept hidden. It’s very unlikely that all those parameters are optimal for a good marriage, and it’s very unlikely that both people will bring perfectly matching sets of these rules and injunctions into their marriage.

People generally learn communication skills by simply watching their parents. It isn’t usually discussed in families in an educational way, it’s simply unconsciously imitated. So most young adults are limited to the communication pluses and minuses, the good habits and bad habits that their parents had.

So it can be surprising how many important things two sensible people do not discuss during courtship and their early time living together. All that hidden stuff is potential trouble down the road.

Premarital classes or counseling is an opportunity to make conscious those learned habits, so you can freely choose to continue them or to alter them. It also introduces the useful skills learned from thousands of families rather than just the two families of the couple.

Finally, it can establish permission to discuss topics that otherwise might be left hidden because of old parental injunctions or old familial unspoken taboos.

So find what premarital counseling or classes you can afford, and just like dancing lessons in a dancing school, practice at home. Then every few years, or whenever you reach another important landmark in your journey together, take a refresher course. People change as they grow and age. If you get communication skill “booster shots,” you will increase your chances of keeping those changes from becoming wedges between you.

I won’t say good luck. I’ll say work hard. That’s what makes a marriage successful.

@Danish Atheist: I don’t know about in England but even among many non-religious couples in the US living together is often something that doesn’t happen until the couple is at least engaged.

Really? I would have thought that was mostly reserved for conservative religious couples. This might depend on location and generation, though. I’m in California, and I don’t think I know anyone (younger than 50) who got engaged without living together first.

The idea of going to a Unitarian Church is a good one, as an atheist wouldn’t feel uncomfortable there. As is the idea of reading a self help book together.

Couples therapy before marriage would be expensive, but could be worth it in the long run.

I don’t think it’s necessary to have pre-marital counselling—you could just talk to each other! You should already know each other reasonably well, but you need to discuss how you will manage your money, how you deal with housework and day-to-day household admin issues, how you feel about having children, and any other major issues that matter to either or both of you. Make your own list. The most important… is probably the money. Figure it out.

Essentially you will find that when you’re married, you have to work together through most of the problems that life will throw at you. As long as you’ve established real communication, you’ll be able to do that, and it doesn’t matter whether you have an ‘expert’ to start you off or not.

Hi everyone,

I wrote the original email to Hemant. Thanks for all the replies, it’s been very useful. I’m about to rush off to class now (I am still at university) but will definitely be firing off some emails tonight to various places!

Just briefly… we are quite young (you might have guessed from the university comment), both 22, and although I agree a lot is common-sense, I want to be able to talk through some issues that might come up which I don’t know will come up. For example, looking after a parent if they are sick. There are going to be other issues, but I don’t know what they are yet, if you see what I mean!

We do live together, but got engaged about a month after we moved in together so it’s not been long 🙂

Whats the rush to get married anyway? Is there some great reward in such an endeavor? Live life have fun, give yourself time to figure out the world and yourself. You will be much happier in the long run..

If your already living together then you know what marriage is going be like. Just with a bit of paper attached. If your not living together move in for a few months prefect training/testing.

Pre Marriage training how very middle class and sounds like a waste of time to me.

I’m with those who wonder why bother with marriage prep classes, but then I don’t really get why people get married in the first place. I tried it once, and probably wouldn’t do it again, unless my SO really wanted to. Just live together and do what you do with other friends – communicate honestly without lying. If you can stand living with each other, it’ll probably work out.

I think having a non-romanticised view of relationships is also important. There is no ONE PERSON WHO IS MEANT FOR YOU, and I think the idea of lifelong partnerships, while perhaps feasible for some, probably shouldn’t be the ideal everyone strives to achieve.

Just focus on the now, and enjoy life with your SO!

Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch.

Or most books by John Gottman.