Yesterday, I ran my first 5K. You all gave me excellent advice and I used absolutely none of it.
Dinner the night before the race? Indian food.
Breakfast the day of the race? Donuts.
Warmup? Who needs that.

Clearly, I was destined to win this race.

Here’s how things went down:
[Race starts]
Me: We’ve only gone two blocks. Why are people running in the opposite direction?
Ladyfriend: Because they’re almost done with the race.
Me: Are you &$*%ing kidding me?
[A block later]
Me: This is the most I’ve ever run ever. I think I’m gonna die.
Ladyfriend: Stop dying! We’ll walk for a bit and then run to that stop sign up ahead.
Me: Fine, but then I quit.
[30 seconds later]
Me: [Panting] Are we almost done?
Ladyfriend: Only 2.5 miles to go.
Me: When this race ends, we’re *so* over.
[About 36 minutes later]
Ladyfriend: Look, it’s the finish line!
Me: [Gasping] I. Think. My. Lungs. Are. Gonna. Ex. Plode.
Ladyfriend: We’re going to sprint the rest of the way!
Me: [Gasping] You. Go. I’m. Watching.
Ladyfriend: Time to sprin–AHHHHHH!
[She splats on the ground]
Me: Uh. Oh.
Ladyfriend: My hands are bleeding 🙁
Me: [Gasping] At. Least. I. Will. Beat. You. [Start to pick up speed]
Ladyfriend: NEVER!
[She runs ahead and beats me by a couple seconds]
That’s how I remember it, anyway.
She got checked out by a local medic… other than the gaping holes in her hands, I think she’s ok.

(Yep, I’m the good guy, taking a picture while she’s in pain. Got video, too!)
My final time was 41:02. This means a few things:
— I’m on p. 66 of the official results page. There are only 71 pages. You can never hold this against me.
— All you people who run “marathons” are *%$&ing crazy.
— I suppose there’s something to be said for training…
I asked the ladyfriend if she wanted to add anything to this summary. She suggested the following:
He survived. But he got beat by a girl. Who was injured.
Hmph.
As for her parents, we all ended up driving to the 5K together, so I got to meet them after all. Nice people 🙂
Somehow, I’m doing another 5K in two weeks. I swear it all sounded like a brilliant plan before I actually had to do it…
It’s Moving Day for the Friendly ..."
It’s Moving Day for the Friendly ..."
It’s Moving Day for the Friendly ..."
It’s Moving Day for the Friendly ..."