Hilarious Old Testament Coloring Book August 20, 2010

Hilarious Old Testament Coloring Book

The Pitch has some fantastic scans from “My Coloring Book of Old Testament Bible Stories“:

… during the story of Joseph five year-olds might get distracted with questions like, “Where’s that other camel’s head?”

A perilous desert crossing is no time to attempt a Camel Centipede!

Calmed an angry sea or jazz-handed at his high school’s track?

Got any suggestions for that one?

You can see a few more scans here.

(via Boing Boing)


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  • How about, “The first merman emerges from the sea.” It seems to imply that the Bible supports a Christian caricature of evolution, croco-duck style.

  • Jon Moles

    Looks like after three days, Jonah found the whale’s G-spot to make his escape.

  • Max

    “It’s good to be the King of Kings, but it’s hard out here for a merman.”

  • Patrick O.

    “Looks like Santa Claus was stranded at sea after he crashed in that 747. Looks like Christmas is going to suck.”

  • Don’t trust the Gorton’s Fisherman. This is what he’s hiding under that raincoat.” On an equally awesome note, I clicked through to the article, which also contained a bit about an A-Team coloring book containing the “second laziest dot-to-dot.” The first laziest is apparently part of a Rambo coloring book, the article for which contains my new favorite phrase in the history of all phrases: “Parenthetical Olives.” I am starting a band this very moment and our first major concept album is going to have that name.

  • Matt

    Right up there with A man of India coloring book.

  • Dan

    WILSON!!!

  • “I said drop the Noah backdrop AFTER I get off the stage!”

  • Razzle

    So that’s what Jesus meant by the sign of Jonah. He wasn’t resurrected, he became a merman.

  • Don Rose

    Looks like evolution to me!

  • “For romantic encounters, Bob always bedecked his bed with ocean-themed sheets beforehand.”

  • Sandra

    a whale of a tale?

  • Nakor

    Triton was not impressed with God’s feeble attempt at a flood.

  • And that’s when the Christians realized they were all half fish and that tentacles of fire actually just meant tentacles . . .

  • beckster

    I am not clever enough to come up with a caption, but I swear I had that coloring book. It looks eerily familiar to me.

  • abadidea

    I saw some Christian coloring books at the farmer’s market, and I was impressed that the covers made the amazing assertion that Bible heroes were not white. It’s progress.

  • littlejohn

    Bob was feeling great after his swim in the ocean. Unfortunately, he hadn’t noticed the enraged killer whale that had been following him.

  • Epistaxis

    “There were mermen in the sea in those days” (Genesis 6:4)

  • “What happens in Atlantis, Stays in Atlantis.”

    “Don’t have sex with fish. Abstinence only, kids.”

    “Evolving is HARD!”

  • Mermen: Rape them before they rape you.

  • “This is why we can’t have nice things kids. Stop sticking your penises in the fish tank.”

  • Defiantnonbeliever

    Wow!… I don’t think Sodom and Gomorrah rape and female debasement fantasies are gonna do it for me anymore. I’d better come up with a new story.

  • lackinginsanity

    I didn’t realize that Jesus was in the old testament.

    For the other caption…
    “Even after his experiences under the sea, Jonah still couldn’t bring himself to shave”

  • QuarkyGideon

    OMG SECKS WITH WHALES!!

  • Librarian

    I just had a coloring party for my 44 birthday. A friend of my brought some pages from this book as a joke. There is a great picture of Joseph kissing his brothers. What a hoot.

  • This is excellent. XD

    This reminds me of a Catholic coloring book I once had when I was little. There was a picture of a chalice with a piece of the Eucharist floating above it, and instructions underneath said to “See how carefully you can color in this chalice, and be sure not to get any color in the Eucharist.”

    I scribbled all over it with a sharpie because I was angry that my coloring book was telling me to go in the lines. 😛

  • Alexius

    Merman in bed wakes up to discover that he is being attacked by headcrabs?

  • fritzy

    “No, no, no God, I prayed for a Mer-MAID! Oh, well, this has been a fantasy of mine for years and I guess beggers can’t be choosers…”

  • Vas

    Sorry Charlie,
    StarKist is not looking for tuna with good taste, StarKist is looking for tuna that taste good!

  • muggle

    JAWS!!!

  • Shatterface

    Looks like an illustration from rimming chapter of The Joy of Amphibious Sex.

  • drowsypoppy

    Whales never just want to cuddle.

  • yaoi_myantidrug

    I am not clever enough to come up with a caption, but I swear I had that coloring book. It looks eerily familiar to me.

    Were your family jehovahs witnesses? I’ve never seen this coloring book but I have a book called My Book of Bible Stories, which is almost the exact same title.

  • blueridgelady

    “Mer-MAN…Mer-MAN”.

  • Christophe Thill

    Sometimes the sea storms are so bad that Poseidon himself can be thrown ashore.

  • Gauldar

    By Neptune’s beard! I had no idea a blowhole could be used like that!

  • mike tyson

    you dont want to ask how he got out……