Reasons Not to Change Your Last Name

If I ever do something crazy like get married, I will keep my name.
Plus, I will have been published by then, so it will be much easier to keep my own name.

Either that or we can make up a new name to share.

But for now, I’m leaning toward keeping my own name, not getting married and never getting a joint bank account.

I was quite happy to take my husband’s last name, as it’s easy to recognize and pronounce (my maiden name was German). I didn’t have to think about any other aspect of the switch – I just liked his better!

Here are my reasons for keeping my last name.

I don’t care which way it is as long as it’s symmetrical. Either both parties keep their names, or both parties hyphenate, or both parties change their names to a third surname.

Cathy

My fiancée is going for her PhD in Counseling Psychology. To of her degrees will have her last name. If she changed her name when we got married one would be different. She also really likes her last name. If I didn’t like mine so much I’d think about switching to hers. We’re still undecided about kids, but we’ve got time to figure that one out.

As a man, I don’t see a need for it.

Gay couples have an extra twist – no gender for guidelines! When we get married, my partner wants to take my name; she dislikes her own as a link to her not-exactly-loving family.

And when my mother remarried, she declined to take her husband’s because at that point she had built up a professional reputation with her maiden surname. She had already lost professional association to the items she wrote under her prior married name, and didn’t want a repeat.

I did a pretty length blog post about this when I got married — hilarious, named exactly the same as Katsu’s post.

In short: it seemed like things would get really complicated when we started having kids (whose name do they take?), it made a number of things easier from a legal standpoint (having the same last name saves you from a lot of questions), and our names were too weird to hyphenate. It was a lengthy, lengthy debate, though.

I did take my husband’s last name, but if I’d been more established in my career at that point I would have kept my own name. My job requires academic publication, and when you change your name it’s more difficult for people to keep track of your professional work.

This is not to mention that changing one’s name can be a real pain as far as the paperwork goes even if you don’t have to go to the courthouse to deal with changing it differently than is expected at the time of marriage. I was a student while working full time when I married. Changing everything at work was not so bad, but changing my records at school required contacting seven different departments and they never did manage to get my name changed everywhere.

So…..Hemant, as someone who has a reputation as a speaker and author already, would you be eager to change your name? Why or why not?

well this is what I see from it a women that is fully satisfied by a man will want to take his last name. Highly intelligent sexual women likes to be “owned” by a dominant man. Im all for equal rights in fact I love intelligent women. But this is how I see it. Also when I say owned I dont mean it in the sense of a slave so to speak but from a more dominant prospective.

I kept my name. I wanted my husband to take mine, but he refused 🙂 He likes his name, and the family it represents, as do I. It was never an issue. I was thinking of adding his name after mine, but decided it was unnecessary.

Now we’re having a baby (4 more weeks) and the question came up- who’s name will he get? Of course, I wanted him to have MY name, husband wanted HIS. Instead, we decided to do what they do in Latin countries (we live in Mexico), where it’s standard for the woman to keep her name, and the baby to get both family names (no hyphen). I’m sure this will cause confusion in the US, but there isn’t any other arrangement that’s agreeable.

I can’t think of any reason, outside of the simplicity of everyone sharing a name or because you don’t like yours, to change names. Its a personal choice.

Wow JulietEcho, my partner’s name is German. We’ve not married (neither have some friends and family). A number of couples still choose to alter names despite not choosing marriage. Some couples choose to have double barrelled names but Hil and I both like our names exactly like they are.

Here in Quebec, women don’t have the option to change their name, the government does not recognize matrimonial name changes. The only way for a woman (or man) to change their name when they get married is to go through the full process of a legal name change, just as one would to change their name in any other situation.

Hyphenating stops working after a generation or two. Think about it.

Smith + Jones = Smith-Jones

Smith-Jones + Johnson = Johnson-Smith-Jones

Johnson-Smith-Jones + Gardner-Louis = o.o

I know two heterosexual couples where the man changed his name when they got married. I think it was partially for feminist reasons, but in both cases the new name was more easily spelled or pronounced than the old.

Of course, in many couples, they don’t change their names when they get married; avoiding personal and professional inconvenience is certainly one reason not to change it. There’s still the question of what to name the kids though (in which usually one name is chosen or they hyphenate; I think I know of one couple that decided on ABBAABB… though).

We tossed a coin about deciding the last name, and she lost.

Hyphenating does not seem like a feasible solution to me. What if one spouse, or both, already has a hyphenated name? It would only take a couple generations for this to lead to ridiculousness.

I don’t see any problem with people doing whatever they want, though. Women who take their husband’s last name are not necessarily being dominated by the patriarchy or whatever. Perhaps they prefer to make the statement, “My husband and I are one family together.” (This could be equally well achieved by the man taking his wife’s name, or both taking a new name, which is something for the couple to discuss.) Perhaps the woman is not too fond of her old name and would happily trade it in for a stronger association with her husband and his family than with her own family / parents / father.

As a woman starting my career (which happens to be in science) I am beginning my career with my ‘maiden’ name. If/when I get married, deciding whether or not to take my potential husband’s name will depend on a few things:
1-Is it cooler? I have a pretty unique last name, so his better be cool to oust mine. Also, a hard to pronounce name is good for screening calls. If they can’t pronounce my last name, they don’t know me and want money from me.

2-Am I established in my field with my name? This is important. I have been published and will continue to publish with my name. How much will that affect my career? What if I’m teaching by then?

3-My desire to have one name to describe our cohesive family unit. Not important to me now, but will it be by the time I get married?

I think what’s more important is that people (my age) are starting to think about this more and aren’t necessarily jumping straight to assuming the man’s name. We have had several lengthy discussions about this where I work. It’s always fun to see other people’s take on it.

As far as hyphenation, I’ve heard that usually if two people who have hyphenated names marry, the women takes their mother’s name and the men take their father’s name, and use that to hyphenate. So Johnson-Smith and Jones-Anderson become Jones-Smith (or whichever permutation it ends up being).

In a way I want to take the name of a future husband because my relationship with my father’s family is strained, to say the least. In a way, I just want to get rid of it. I have toyed with changing to my mom’s maiden name, but I hate doing cursive capital ‘H’s’. At this stage, I am about to get my career off the ground and marriage is no where in sight. By the time I get to that stage in my 30s, I feel like, for professional reasons, taking his last name would be a bad idea. I don’t intend on having kids, so I may just stick with my own last name. If his last name is better, then I might reconsider.

Oh ya, and my last name starts with ‘B’, so I am at the start of the alphabet, which has some benefits! I definitely wouldn’t move very far down the alphabet; not gonna demote myself! I guess at this stage I’m flexible. Not really keen on hyphenation. I’ll see what he says I guess!

My wife is a South African National of South Asian descent. We travelled to Scotland for wedding. At the moment of our arrival, checking into the pub/inn we were staying, she gave her surname. A man sitting a few feet away at the bar turned his head and said, “You’re from Durban, right?”
Of course she was. So was he. Small world.
But her last name was a global recognition tool for her kinsmen. She took my last name and I can tell she misses her old one.
I’m a tall blonde American with an Italian surname. A classic American mutt. I used to joke that when I went for interviews or meetings, people would look for me and this conversation would ensue:
“Where is he? Is he here?”
“Sure, he’s right over there.”
“Where? Behind that Nazis poster boy?”

Now she has the joy of looking Indian while being South African while sounding Brtish and having an Italian surname.

I was still in college when I married so I had no professional reasons to stay attached with my name. Having been married for seven years with two kids and another on the way, I feel that having a common name adds to our cohesiveness and identity as a family unit that has been built through marriage and biological and adopted children.

I’m never changing my last name. Not only is it my name (it’s me!), but I don’t see an actual reason to change it if I were to get married. People mispronounce it? Don’t care (after all, it was pronounceable enough for my mother and my dad’s second wife). Demonstrates unity? He can change his. Our kids would have the same last name as both parents? Not sure if I’m having kids, and if I do, I’m pretty sure that people have done the different-last-names thing for years without any issues. Hyphenate? Doesn’t appeal to me.

The fact that it’s easier for women to change their last names than it is for men is part of the entire reason for the tradition. Last-name-changing isn’t about unity as a couple, or sharing, or disliking your own last name. Last-name-changing is about a woman, who shares her last name with her father, marrying another man and sharing his last name. It’s part of the out-dated system of patriachal marriage, where women go from their fathers’ houses to their husbands’ (symbolized by the last name change and the father of the bride handing off the bride to the groom at weddings). That’s why last-name-changing for same-sex couples is seen as weird: there’s no woman being given to a man.

I appreciate that changing your last name is a choice that many women, and some men, make. But if this were 100% about last names being pronounceable, or whether or not you like your last name, we’d see just as many men making the decision, we’d see the system allowing for men and women to make the change with equal ease, and we’d probably see even more couples picking completely new last names to share together. But instead, we see mostly women (and some hetero men and some gay men, but only case-by-case, especially with hetero men) changing their last names.

That’s a gendered pattern that can’t be explained away.

My last name is mispronounced often (the name itself is an Americanized mispronounciation of a German word), and since I’m estranged from my father and most of his family, my last name carries mediocre connotations at best. But good luck getting me to change it.

I’m also going to start getting published (work in a lab), so that’s another reason not to change my last name, but even if I weren’t, no change!

In Hispanic culture, the wife keeps her last name and the children get both last names (although not hyphenated). When those children have children, the father’s last name is continued. In the example above:

“Smith + Jones = Smith-Jones
Smith-Jones + Johnson = Johnson-Smith-Jones
Johnson-Smith-Jones + Gardner-Louis = o.o”

Latinos solve this problem by having:
Mr. Rodriguez + Mrs. Serrano = Baby Rodriguez Serrano

When Mrs. () Rodriguez Serrano marries her husband, Mr. () Aguilar Martin, their names stay the same but their children have the last name Aguilar Rodriguez Martin Serrano but use “Aguilar” or “Aguilar Rodriguez” for short. I used to be a public records researcher and in many latin countries (including our dear Puerto Rico) you have to have the person’s mother’s last name (Serrano in this case) to have public records searched, BTW.

All that to say that I bucked convention when I was married and **took** my Spanish husband’s last name (both my father-in-law and mother-in-law’s names). And my son has his father’s Japanese last name from a previous relationship, and we’re all ok with that. 🙂

I don’t know what the deal is in the US… in many Latin American countries the woman does not take the husbands name, and it’s been like that for decades.

My wife has not changed her name. Part of the reason is that it’s expensive to change her passport and green card. Part of it is that in her native Vietnam, women don’t change their name upon marriage. Part of it is that we just haven’t thought about it much.

I think that it’s better for a married couple and family to have the same last name. However, who’s name? The hyphen is good and equal, but are the kids going to use the hyphen? Then we have infinitely long names. If the kids only take one name, there goes the equality and the common last name. I would say the couple could decide between the two names, but that just adds more drama. It would be easier for a man to take the woman’s name if it wasn’t perceived as so emasculating.

My fiancee will be changing her name to mine simply because she simply thinks it’s more awesome than hers. At least, that’s our excuse. Luckily we dodged that bit of drama.

I took my husband’s name… and after my second marriage, I went back to my first husband’s name. Why? Because the kids birth certificates gave them HIS last name, rather than my maiden name. If we wanted the family to share a family name, that was pretty much the way it was done.

There are a number of good reasons to NOT take hubby’s last name. My daughter, for example, is well published. Changing her name would only be confusing and would divorce her from her reputation. She decided not to when she married.

A little side note to this: Even so, and after having both a secular ceremony and making it clear she wouldn’t be changing her name, the JoP ended the ceremony by introducing them as “Mr and Mrs (his-last-name)”

When I married my wife I was pretty fine with her keeping her maiden name (though I never got the feminism associated with keeping your fathers name). However, now that we have 2 kids I wish we had thought it out. Essentially, kids make it really tough when there are 2 last names, requiring at least one of you to have a different last name. Both hyphenating just passes the mess down to you kids (what do they do when they marry). I highly recommended picking a name both taking it, whether it is the one of your current last names or a totally new name. On the pragmatic side, just taking the husbands last name might be the easiest and cheapest approach, but if that unnacceptable spend the time or cash to get a new one.

I didn’t take my husband’s last name because like Rose, I didn’t feel there was anything equal about this custom. I like my last name, I’ve had it for 26 years, and I don’t think marriage should change any part of who I am as an individual.

I’ve encountered a lot of people who just assume that there was some sort of battle between my husband and I about whether or not I would take his name. There wasn’t. I remember our travel agent asking if he gave me “the sad puppy-dog eyes” when I told him I didn’t want his last name. I felt like saying, “No, I didn’t marry an asshole.”

Unfortunately, I often give a very un-feminist response to the question “why didn’t you take your husband’s last name?” Typically I’ll say something like “Oh, he has a long German last name that needs to be spelled out and mine is only four letters long.” That isn’t the reason at all, but I feel like the question implies “Why would you emasculate your husband like that?!?!?!” and therefore the appropriate response must be politically benign.

Anyway, I feel like this ties into atheism because it’s another belief I hold that seems completely logical, and yet I always feel like I have to be on the defensive about it. Perhaps I’m being a weenie, but really, I’m just tired of providing explanations for things that seem pretty self-evident.

Or you can merge names http://www.starshineroshell.com/stories/20070517.html

Another reason not to change is that if you are an immigrant, and hence have a foreign passport, it can be a huge hassle.

I think two non-feminist reasons to not change your last name at marriage are:

1. The hassle having to change your name on so many documents
2. A career in which you are well known by your name.

A romantic relationship really isn’t a consideration for me right now or anytime in the near future (let alone marriage) but I think I’d want to keep my last name. It’s a name with a long history.

My mother kept her maiden name, and while it’s sometimes generated confusion (I look more like my father, so some of my childhood teachers had trouble with the idea we were related), I’ve always admired her for it. When I get married, I plan on keeping my last name, mainly because it’s a very pretty name and I’m quite fond of it (and considerably less fond of my partner’s last name).

I am never changing my name. My name is awesome. I could never get to the point of marriage (something I do not want to do) without having informed said person that I would never change my name, so accept that or go away.

As to all the people saying it was totally their/ their wives’ choice- well, yes and no. There is a choice, yes, but look at the statistics of women taking their husband’s last name verses men taking a new name- oh, wait, there are no statistics, as it is so rare no one has bothered counting. If it was really a choice, and not a societal norm that many feel the urge to push on people, then wouldn’t the statistics even out a little bit? These things don’t happen in a vacuum.

Here are the main arguments I see:

1. I, a woman, hate my last name because it is so hard to spell/ I hate my family/ it is so boring.
*Really? Do all the men in your family change their last name when they marry to escape it too? And anyone can change their last name without getting married, so why wait?

2. If the kids have a different last name from one of us, (something terrible)
*Isn’t this a little bit of a slap in the face to blended families, foster kids, and unmarried families? I assure you all that, growing up, plenty of kids had different last names from their parents and no one ever refused to let them parent their kids.

3. But hyphenating will lead to mass hysteria!
*Alright then.

Let me just point out that while I may sound like I am condemning women who take someone else’s last name, I am not. There are many battles a woman has to fight- lipstick? Heels? Last names? Glass ceiling! And no one can fight every fight, and there still is a lot of pressure, and sometimes its easier to take the road traveled by the vast majority of people.

A friend of mine made what appears to be an unusual choice – she took her husband’s last name, because it’s substantially more unusual than hers. As in, she had a very common last name, and his isn’t even listed in the US Census list of names (so <100 people in the US have it). Interestingly, she's also a scientist, with published papers under her old name.

"Instead, we decided to do what they do in Latin countries (we live in Mexico), where it’s standard for the woman to keep her name, and the baby to get both family names (no hyphen)."

I'm curious how they deal with the exponential name crisis. Someone above suggested keeping only one name from each partner in subsequent generations, but that seems silly too – you're just removing the sexism by one generation.

“3. But hyphenating will lead to mass hysteria!
*Alright then.”

Oh, if you put it like that, obviously! I can’t believe I didn’t see that the solution to the exponential problem was “alright then”. Brilliant. Incisive. Witty. Trenchant.

@Charon LOL, how convenient that your comment would be just before mine talking about the same subject.

Typically the maternal line last name is lost in the grandchildren, but its a significant improvement. For starters the woman does not lose her last name. In addition, the children carry one of her names all their lives, so she leaves that part of her identity with them. Her grandchildren however don’t, so obviously its not perfect. However in Spain at least you can legally switch around the order, or even in cases of single parents, the adult child can request the adoption of the two surnames from the same parent. Gay couples marry here, and children from those marriages presumably are given last names in the order requested by the couple, although I think authorities request that siblings be given the same order, because otherwise it gets hopelessly muddled. Eventually I’m hoping that children born to heterosexuals as well will routinely be given names in the order wished by the parents, and not the father-mother by default.

And yes, book-keeping is damn hard, which is why numbered ID is so handy 😉

@Charon, That was not a suggestion, but in actuality the way the system works. There are ways of choosing which names get donated to the new names that are non-sexist. I.E. grandchild’s last name is – as the most common, others exist and there are reasons for each school of thought. Some are sexist, but not necessarily so.

People seriously, hyphen or no hyphen people have been doing this for generations. We deal, I promise. Yes of course no one keeps all their names forever and ever. Each child has two, one from each parent, and one of the surnames of the parents is not passed on. Its pretty normal to know more of the family names than your own of course; most folks know their parents and their grandparents full names, and some people can go back further, but your ID just has two last names. The name you are given at birth is the one you die with, male or female, unless you choose to change it.

I should premise this by saying that my husband’s last name happens to be in a very popular song (circa 1967) which also happened to be in a very popular movie (Hint: Plastics). Having people sing that song to me would drive me nuts!

That’s not the real reason I kept my name. My parents have no sons. I want to honor my parents by keeping the name that was given to me. Furthermore, my husband’s name doesn’t sound good with my first name. It’s not a matter of not being used to it. The syllables literally clash, for lack of a better description. Then there is the whole matter of the woman being expected to change her name. OK, I admit it, it bothers me a little bit. Frankly, if I ever have kids, I would want them to keep my last name. My husband isn’t opposed to the idea either which is awesome. If I have to carry around a baby for 9 months, the least I should be able to do is name it! Yes, I’m joking….sort of! Matriarchy rules!!

No, I wouldn’t expect my husband to change his name, his name is his. And mine is mine!

Surprisingly, my father was not thrilled. I’ve been married for over 3 years and to this day he says “Hello Mrs. SoandSo” using my husband’s last name. He knows it bothers me which probably eggs him on a bit. 😉

For the record, I do not care if people write only one last name on mail addressed to both of us I understand it’s a space issue and just quicker. I’m not that much of a stickler!

I never took my husband’s last name. The documentation would have been a pain and my name has served me well all my life. His is always misspelled even though it’s only five letters long.

Prior to our wedding, my husband asked if it would make me happy for him to take my name, but I had zero interest either way. The marriage is to a person, not a name.

Oddly, the only person who’s ever seemed to have a problem with it was my sister-in-law, who took my last name when she got married.

Beth, Phira, Claudia – right on.

I have no desire to change my name at all. While a feminist, it really for me boils down to the fact that my name as it is now and has always been is my identity, and I’m not prepared to sacrifice even a little piece of that for anything. As someone who grew up with a parent that had a different last name, I couldn’t have cared less, and so far as I know, it never mattered in any substantial way.

Ah, and my name? Open to MANY pop cultural references (and with each, the jokester thinks they’re the first person to think of it), and I’d still not change it for the coolest name on earth.

One of the main reasons my wife kept her name was because it was associated with her business. She didn’t want to cause her branding (which included her name) to become obsolete, nor to risk losing customers who didn’t realize the new name was the same person.

I had a a freind who took his Fiancée surname, as he preferred her surname.

I don’t understand all the concern about what the kids will be named. Just make them pick the name of the parent they love more. Easy.

But seriously, what a silly, inconsequential issue to focus on.

My wife kept the last name she was born with.

Her reasons were simple.

She liked her name.

I’d been divorced twice and, based on my track record, it was highly probable this marriage would not last either.

So, rather than change her name on all important life/legal documents, only to have to change it back after OUR divorce, she chose to keep her name.

We’ve now been together over 33 years.

We’ve given up trying to explain it to folks or correct them when they call her by my last name.

The one issue no one has discussed above is the issues this will raise for family historians. Future generations tracing their family trees will find it much more difficult to do some genealogical research. So, be kind. Leave evidence behind.

When I get married my wife WILL take my last name. Anything else would be slapping my ancestors in the face. People are being progressive to the point of ridiculousness. No one has any honor anymore.

I’m going to keep my name just because it’s lovely and I’m proud of my hispanic lineage. If it was anything less iconic or if I didn’t love my family so much, I’d change it without hesitation. There’s no male heirs in my family, and I’d like to keep the name alive.

In Quebec, it’s actually required that you keep your own surname. They did this a while ago to cut down paperwork and confusion because some papers would have one name and other papers another name. The government basically went ‘This is stupid. You want to change your name? Fine, fill all these forms and locate ALL current contracts/paperwork and change them all yourself.’

Naturally, the Catholics (the religious majority in Quebec) complained but the government basically told them ‘shut it or do (and pay for) the paperwork yourselves.’

They kept quiet after that.

@sixty seven: Really?! I don’t think your ancestors care…or am I missing your humor? I’m somewhat new to this blog…

I did not change my name. No one could give me any really good reasons beyond “tradition.” The genealogy point made above doesn’t hold much water for me and we’ve spent over 15 years doing family research. I was a bit concerned about being the only one with a different last name once we had kids, but now that they are here I find it really doesn’t matter to me. I also grew up in a family of many divorces and was used to my mom having a different last name than me, a step mom with the same last name, step-siblings with a third last name and a grandmother remarried with another last name. We all could keep each other straight and I found that that was all that really counted. : )

Call me strange but it’ll be a sticking point as I do not want any woman to take my name. It seems so ripe with association to women as property acquisition, religion and such.

21 years ago I took my husband’s last name. My maiden name is Eastern European Jewish and was mispronounced by people reading it and misspelled by people hearing it. My husband’s name has it’s own problems, but they are much easier to deal with.

In my mother’s family there is the tradition of dropping your middle name and moving your maiden name in it’s place. I liked the idea of tradition, but I’ve always loved my middle name.

My first job out of college was for the American branch of a Canadian company. Our office was full of Brits. After seeing them with 4 and 5 names, my solution was to just add my new last name to the list.

So I have 4 names instead of the traditional 3. It drives computer systems NUTS. I am constantly asked if the last two are hyphenate – no. Or if my middle name is EN when I use the initals – no.

I even got out of getting a speeding ticket once because the officer couldn’t figure out what name to use on the ticket.

I haven’t read all the comments yet, but I wanted to share my experience:

When we got married, I offered to hyphenate our last names, figuring that would be the most fair thing to do. Also, I’ve already got a hyphenated middle name, so I thought I could get more appellations under my belt.

My wife decided she’d rather just take my last name – her parents are divorced, and she was going by her mother’s maiden surname even though her legal surname was her father’s. It was complicated, and she didn’t have an attachment to either name, so it was her choice to take mine. I feel kind of weird about it because of the whole implied patriarchy thing, but it was her choice, and it’s no big deal for us.

@staceyjw: From personal experience, no matter how you do it, your childs name will get hyphenated. Whether it be on their social security card, a typo at the school system, or because the DMV system requires it. OR they will end up using only one anyway. Depending on which legal document you look at my two last names are hyphenated or not.

My mom did not take my dad’s last name (not sure why), my siblings and i all have hyphenated names – well no… I have two last names on my birth certificate, a hyphen on my SSC, in one state my DL had to have a hyphen and when I moved it didn’t.. One sibling is the opposite, and the other because i was much older, i asked my mom to just put the hyphen in on everything so there was no confusion. Because my bc didn’t have the hypen, all through school I only used my dad’s last name – but when I was applying for college and all my ACT/SAT information needed to be sent i needed to prove to my school that they had gotten my name wrong in the first place.

For me, I’m still undecided about whether to change mine eventually or not – it just seems like SUCH a pain notifying everyone and getting everything switched over – I might be too lazy for that.

I never considered taking my husband’s last name when we married 26 years ago. I was (and am) happy with who I am, I like my name, and I saw no reason to surrender my identity just because “that’s the way it’s done.” It made a lot of waves back then – I was the first person not to become “Mrs.” in my entire family.

I’m happy with my decision, as is my husband. If he’d been the sort to insist I change, then I wouldn’t have married him in the first place.

I do know one couple where the husband changed his last name to that of his wife. He was from a large family, whereas she was an only child, so her surname would have died out if at least one of them didn’t retain it.

This was a tough call for me. I recognize that it’s a patriarchal and sexist tradition–but something really appealed to me about my husband and my own last name matching. It was the thing that finally made me feel truly “married” (6 months later, when the Navy finally finished the paperwork).

My hubby was totally okay with me not taking his last name, but he refused to take mine. This was never really an option, though, because my hubby has the same name as my brother and that’d be TOO weird!

Hyphenating didn’t really appeal (too many resulting L’s, and I don’t in general like hyphenating names), and so if I wanted a new married name, it was going to have to be his.

I’m glad I went with that decision, but it does bother me a little that he was so open to me keeping my name but wouldn’t even listen to the idea of taking mine. Of course, he’s very close with his family and I’m not very close with mine, so it’s not a straight black-and-white situation.

I took my husband’s name as I liked it better than my own for a number of reasons. If I hadn’t married, I would’ve changed my last name anyway. Also, my husband’s name is easier to pronounce – I have a non-English background.

I totally understand women not wanting to change their name though, to each their own 🙂

My name is my name! Enough said.

My fiancee and I have both decided that when we marry, she will not take my name. She is nonchalant, and I find the idea distasteful.

Part of this is because I find it is a throwback to a time when a woman was considered a man’s property (and in some places, they still are). Partly, it is because I am Colombian (she is Syrian-American), and in my culture women do not usually take their husband’s name. Some find the idea downright offensive. Although some women do chose to add their husbands name after their own (First Last de Husban’s Last).

My name is a part of me. Why would I want to change my name? Why is it always assumed that a woman’s name is disposable but a man’s name is not? The second time I married I was in my 40s and I had some professional success to my credit. For that if for no other reason I would have kept my own name. But mainly it’s the first reason.

FWIW, I offered my husband if he wanted to take mine we could both hyphenate, but no go. See how entrenched this cultural artifact is? As a matter of fact, he was and remains rather offended and hurt but I just can’t give up my identity to please someone else. Nor should I be asked to.

Ive never asked or wanted my wife to take my last name and she hasn’t. For me I always thought it was a pointless waste of time. I don’t really see it as a matter of equality and the future kids will probably have my last name since neither my wife nor I are fond of hyphenated names

Beth wrote:

What phira said.

I will not be changing my last name. Sure, I have a lot of papers and such under my current last name, but the real reason is a feminist reason. My last name is me, my identity. It’s not terribly important to me if everyone knows we’re married or not just by looking at our last names–we know and the families and friends know, and no one else really matters to me. Also, I don’t want to be part of a “unit.” I am still going to be an individual person even while married, and I don’t want anyone thinking otherwise. I feel that changing my name (or his) would be the first step in dissolving my (our) individuality. Married for me does not equal a single unit, it equals the two people who are part of it.

*hooting* Great post 🙂 And I personally ditto ALL of it (including your shout out to phira:)

It’s bad enough that we (chicks) have been saddled with the “Miss/Mrs/Ms” thing and men have never had to ‘accept’ a title designed soley to announce to the world his marital status.

In my experience, you might be surprised by people you thought you knew by their reaction to the idea of a man changing his name……..it seems to bring out the freakiest prejudices/sexism in some people……

In retrospect, my previous nick was already in use! The comment about parents and pizza was mine, not the other C!
(I wonder if her “C” is the same as my “C”? Mine’s unusual, probably not!)

I’m a lesbian, and am civilly united with my wife (in NZ). When we married (for want of a better word) I took my wife’s last name.
Also, we decided that since we’re family, we should share a family name. We were both happy to take each others name, but had to pick one so I picked hers. My maiden name is German and everyone in NZ had trouble pronouncing it.
Of course, it will all backfire once we’re living in Germany for a few years and we have people trying to pronounce a Scottish surname.

Luckily for us, our Civil Union, and therefore my name change, are recognised under German law, therefore I was able to obtain a new passport with my new name on it.

I took my spouse’s last name because I like his parents more than my own. HAH! I want to be adopted into their family and all the awesomeness that’s there.

I also like that it’s Chinese in origin, and I’m not. It’s fun to stretch people’s minds a little.

I also like that our name is beautiful in Chinese caligraphy, and I felt accomplished when I could sign it for myself.

Also, being feminist (to me) includes having the choice to choose in which things I would like to follow tradition and for which ones I would like to leave behind.

But I didn’t choose this for tradition. I chose this for the novelty and to help shape a desired new identity.

I guess I am handicapped by my insufficient americanism: in Spain women do not change their names when they get married, and they never have, so all this surprise and shock over women not changing their names is very weird to me.

There is, however, a similar phenomenon here now: traditionally, children got their first surname from their fathers and their last one from their mothers, but now the law allows parents to reverse that order of they wish (although I believe that the surnames still must derive from the parents’ surnames). Some idiots that suffer from particularly bad cases of Catholicism were horrified by that, a few people took advantage of the new law, and most don’t care.

I changed to my first husband’s last name because his was easier to pronounce than mine (you get tired of hearing your last name get butchered). Plus, my last name was from my father’s adoptive father, whom I never met in my entire life, so it was never really “mine” in the first place.

I changed to my current hubby’s last name to get rid of my first husband’s last name. 😀 My hubby’s name is simple and easy to pronounce, too.

One reason to keep your own last name: in Arizona they make you change your driver’s license picture when you change your name. I hated that because my old license photo was damn near the best picture I’ve ever taken. Plus I was pregnant by the time I got around to getting a new license, so I was humungous. I tried to argue with them. I said, “Look, people, I got married, I didn’t enter witness protection. Just let me keep the damn picture so I don’t have to have an elephant woman picture.” But to no avail. Seven years later and I’m still stuck with the elephant woman photo. (AZ driver’s licenses are good for like 30 years, which is dumb because in 30 years I won’t look a thing like either picture.)

When my parents got married, they wanted to have the same last name and decided to go with my dad’s instead of my mom’s because hers was more common. They actually looked it up in a phonebook to check the number of people listed with each last name! That seems like a good way to settle the issue. If I end up getting married, I’d like to have the same last name as my husband and any kids we have, but I hate the idea of hyphenating my name (it would be so confusing in the second generation, and just seems overly long to me – not a sustainable solution to the problem). I think it’s nice for a family to all have the same name, but it would be nice if it were equally likely and accepted that the husband change his name.

I never even considered changing my name. And my husband wouldn’t want me to. If there is one thing I dislike, it’s tradition. I do things because I want to do them, not because it is considered the thing to do.

Also, we don’t own wedding rings. I hate jewelry. No wedding, either, just a quick unplanned stop at the courthouse. My parents weren’t thrilled with being told about my marriage after the fact, but it’s my life, not theirs.

We don’t want kids, so we don’t have to figure out what to do with the next generation. The cat has my name. Probably because I’m the one who made the first vet appointment.

I don’t need silly symbolism to feel unified in my marriage. I have an awesome marriage. We see eye-to-eye on all of the important things, and on a lot of silly things as well. We don’t fight. We’ve been married for over 9 years and I was 20 when we wed.

I never did like my family’s last name very much, especially while growing up. When my husband and I were talking about all the little details you need to discuss before you decide to get married, the name change never came up. I know he’s a pretty supportive feminist, so probably didn’t want to pressure or even make suggestions. I mulled it over for a little bit in my own head, then decided I wanted his last name. It’s cooler, easier to spell and pronounce, unconnected to my past, and I was feeling a bit sentimental.

Professionally, it doesn’t make a difference, because I’m in broadcasting and have been using my first and middle names together. My last name was just too unwieldy for that anyhow.

You should’ve seen how happy my guy was when I said, “I was thinking… I’d really like to change my last name to yours, if that’s okay with you.” I was pleasantly surprised when he was so ecstatic about it. It was like I had just given him a baby sea lion!

Now I get tickled by our friends who call me Mrs. ___ because I never thought I’d want to get married, and I feel way too young to be a Mrs. 🙂

What last name do the kids get if the parents have different names? It seems bound to make the losing name feel less than equal at some point.

My wife kept her last name. I kept mine. The reasons were simple:
1) We are still individuals.
2) Name-changing is a pain in the ass initially, and can have annoying ripple effects if not done carefully.

Also, looking through this thread, how awesome would it be if our culture evolved to the point where abusive parents could be easily visible by their offsprings’ married surnames?

I enjoy having my husband’s last name. It’s an unusual name and it is his, which makes me feel more a part of him. Having our whole family have the same last name is preferable, but my oldest 2 children have their father’s name — a name I couldn’t be rid of fast enough. In some cultures, the children are given the mother’s maiden name before the father’s surname.

“Mrs.” is a term I cannot abide. To me it might-as-well be Mr.’s as if I am the property of my husband. Even worse, those women who a couple generations ago would leave their entire identities behind and become “mrs. John Smith” after marriage.

There is so much talk here about wanting to retain that individual identity that each of us has, that I think those who have said that have forgotten that we are not an individual species but rather a social species; we are not great white sharks, instead we are ants, just with a much higher level of self-awareness. That social nature means that we rely on forming relationships with others to survive, and in that vein any strong relationship does require that all involved parties make their own individual sacrifices. If a person is unwilling to sacrifice even the tiniest part of their individual being when they get married, then I have to question whether that person should in fact be getting married.

In that respect if I ever get married, which I do have an intensely strong longing for, I, as a male, would be willing to change my last name to that of my female partner. For me it would be a display of the depth of my commitment to the relationship. Besides that, either she or I changing our last name to that of the other would be logistically preferable for a variety of reasons, most of which other people here have mentioned.

my fiance didn’t really want to take my last name and i didn’t really want to buy an engagement ring. tradition took over and neither of us got what we wanted.

Hypatia’s daughter wrote:

Except for a few snarky regressives, our different names has never been an issue. Two men in our Club (who consider themselves open-minded) persistently refer to me as Mrs Husband’s Name, even though they have received checks with my own name on the bottom. Very confusing as the new members can’t find Mrs Husband’s Name on our website or in our roster. She doesn’t exist (unless my husband gets a sex change operation.) I find this behavior rude, condescending & disrespectful to both me & my husband.

*rolling eyes* talk about passive-aggressively disrespectful ~ to purposely dismiss your identity (which is exactly what they’re doing).

What are these people threatened by, anyway?

I had a friend once that was married to an Asian lady. (sorry, can’t remember exactly where she was from.)
He told me the girls there were not given middle names, thus when they married their maiden name became their middle name and then took the husband’s name as their last name. Because of that, you could trace genealogies very easily.
I always thought that was a cool idea.

I know a great deal of academics keep their last name when getting married. When it comes to the prestige of your last name on a paper and the authority that comes with years of research, it is important that people recognize your work. If your last name changes it can be the equivalent of starting from square one. Why give up a life time of work just for a single name.

To me it makes sense to keep your last name, be you a man or a woman.

My wife kept her name, for various reasons, none of which on there own is really convincing. Our son has my name, and I decided to give our daughter my wife’s last name.

I never wanted to change my name when I got married. My husband wanted me to do it to create a new version of the family he grew up in. I told him I would be willing to do that if he would take my last name as a second middle name – so we’d both be My Name His Name on paper. He didn’t want to change his initials, so I wasn’t about to change my name.

My take is that if name changing is really about a cohesive single name for a family, couples would flip a coin, or create a new name. The default to a man’s name is clearly patriarchal.

This topic has always bugged me because it is never-ending. I did not want to change my last name, but the reason I have my last name is because of my father, and not my mother. Even though I grew up with my mother’s family and felt much more a part of that tribe than my father’s. My husband and I decided the way that was best for us was to each take each other’s last name in conjunction with our own. (Himsl Hunter) It was the most accurate way to describe our union and our new little family.

No more debating about this in the Province of Quebec, Canada: since 1981, women MUST keep their maiden names when they marry. I think we are the only territory in the world to do so (correct me if I am wrong).And I am glad of this, and nobody seems to tick about it anymore…it is custumary now.

I couldn’t give a monkey’s what other people do; it’s their life and their right to choose what they want to be called. Like people’s sexual orientation, I have enough things in my life to worry about other than people’s personal choices that have no effect on me.

BUT… that being said, I’m always a little baffled by the logic of people who choose to go the hyphenate route if they plan to have kids. What do they think this current generation of rampant hyphenated-surname kids are going to do when they get married? I’m just picturing all these people 20 years from now changing their names to things like, “Foster-McCormack-Lee-Schumsky.” And then what about when those kids get married? It’s like that old shampoo commercial – “and she told two friends, and she told two friends…” It’s just such an amazingly short-sighted ‘solution’ from a logical perspective.

get with the 21st century….how about her slapping her ancestors in the face for dropping her name for a man??

 just got married to my partner in a same sex marriage…. Before the haters comment in force, Ive chosen to take his name, yet his name would seem foreign here, he is eastern european i am western european. For us the legal aspect of name change is easy but I like his name, its unusual and I never liked my own surname anyway so I have decided to take his. 
So men have that option too, same sex, or not!

I really didn’t want to change my last name or wear a wedding ring. but my husband went on and on about how important it was to him. Forget the fact that his parents divorced when he was 5 and he hardly ever saw his father again – but the name was important to him. I keep my maiden name in my country of origin but use my married in the US were we live. our daughter has his last name. I hope by the time she’s old enough to be married this practice goes out of style. Hopefully new families will create a new last name. we have DNA and computer records to keep track of genealogy now 

Easy. On the birth certificate it states HER first and HER last name and that she is FEMALE. That last name now become property of a FEMALE.

Who else shares her last name isn’t significant.

MANY people have the same last name. That simple! Her last name may be the same as her mother, father, sister, brother, Aunt, Uncle, cousin or family down the street…but it is now HER’S as well, not JUST her father’s last name or a MALE last name.

Feminist bullllllshit feminism is a pure admittance of a feeling of grave insecurity. Women and men are obviously equal and both completley necessary to create life. The fact that you’d take so much time to focus on such an inferior issue is just apalling. For instance you decide to have children, children who then have to either decide on which name to be given (which parent do you like better?), you and your significant other will definitely resent whoevers name is given (obviously if such insecurity due to a simple name causs such a stir, or finally the child will have to deal with the fact that he/she has two last names because his parents do not truly love eachother. Love is about sacrifice and devotion to your better half, if you are an example of this wonderful thing than following a simple tradition would be the absolute least of your worries. *exception – your surname is essential to your safety or career-* marriage simply began as a bond of procreation in which feelings and consideration took a backseat to the creation of new life(best genetic match); however it has evolved into a beautiful unification of two halves to create a whole. Those of you that refuse to be a part of a unit and seek to be an individual rather than an integral and necessary piece to a functioning unit are contradicting the act of marriage in itself. For all you femenistas that are going to rant and rave about my ignorance, my wife is a beautiful, INDEPENDENT,caring and intelligent surgeon. She is the strongest person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and quite honestly sets the bar for women everywhere. She is the definition of an alpha-female (the true desire and point of feminism, “we want as much power and equality as men have blah blah,” the truth is, if you desire and deserve as much equality as your counter gender then assert yourself with humility and greatness and you will prove everything there is to prove. Feminism is an excuse for failure laziness and lack of effort because the real women in the world assert themselves to greatness without asking for help or more rights because the truth is that life is not fair. Every person creates their own destiny and women have just as much ability as men. I have seen it and know it. The women in my life are the most respected, independent, and humble people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Marriage is a union. Without two parts it does not exist. Individually cannot exist in a partnership, however independence can. I apologize for any spelling errors as I am typing this on my cell phone in which the screen is quite destroyed. To finish: couples that truly love eachother do not quarrel over individuality because they seek mutual dependence. Love is a partnership, not a competition. So stop bitching and moaning for more differences when your entering a union of partnership. Double lunch =)

I grew up in China, where nobody changes last names after marriage. When I came to the U.S. and told people that my last name is not my husband’s, I was asked “Why?” I was astonished. Do I need a reason to keep the name I grew up with? I’m really puzzled.

I get a little sick of the ‘a woman’s name isn’t hers, it’s her father’s’ comments.  If a family name is passed down then you’d have to go back a long way to find the originator.  My surname is mine, it was also my father’s.  My husband’s surname is his, it was also his father’s. Just because they were handed down from our parents, it doesn’t make them any less our own. 

When I married, it was never an issue that I kept my name.  My husband is an ardent feminist and had no desire to impose his name upon me.  If he had been the kind of man that tried to insist I take his name, I wouldn’t have even entertained the notion of marrying him.  His family accepted it without a problem, as did mine (aside from a couple of the older members who still find it confusing).

We’re now expecting our first child and have decided that they will bear both surnames.  Double-barrelling may not be the most elegant solution but this child will be a part of both of us and there is no way of combining our surnames that wouldn’t sound hideous or ridiculous.

I like my surname, it’s a fairly common name, it doesn’t stand out from the crowd but it is mine.

i don’t want to change my last name either, especially if I were to marry someone with a common last name such as jones or smith  or a really bad last name like butler or dick or potty (i know people with those last names).

I was just wondering which last name your kids would take?

I like a family having all the same last name because it’s something they have in common.  
I just hope my future husband isn’t offended if I try to make him change his name to mine ;]

I am a man, I’ve been married for 18 years and my wife kept her last name. Why? you might ask? well simple, thats who she is; I did not buy her, I do not own her. and I think that women who keep their last name after marriage are very smart. Think about it; why women have to change their last name? Is it because she belongs to the guy? is it because she is an object that is under his name now? And why men doesn’t take hers? Is it because she is less than him. I just think is plain stupid. Its 2012 people; slavery ended years ago….

Women DO NOT CHANGE WHO YOU ARE FOR ANY GUY!!!!!!!!!!!

Pu$$y!

Does she have a strap on too? You’re the man!

My husband (not legally, but I use boyfriend and husband interchangeably) and I have chosen not to get legally married. Mainly this is because I don’t believe that a spiritual bond between two people has to be government approved to exist and because I never do something purely out of the sake of tradition and no one has ever given me a remotely good reason to prove to me that legal marriage is necessary. Anyways, I’m pregnant (it was planned. and its ridiculous how many people who know our relationship situation still feel the need to ask if it was planned or not) and his parents keep asking over and over who’s last name will the baby have. I don’t really care, what’s the point of last names anyways other than following family lines – the concept of the baby having my name never crossed my mind. I grew up with my dads last name and my parents were never together (after the initial few months), and it was never weird for me to have my dads name even though I lived with my mom, so I don’t get how its even an issue for parents that are split up.

Wow! I read your comment and its like reading about my own situation and my opinions about married life. I had done exactly the same thing you did and I am proud.  Good for you!

All things considered, and I’m saying this from the position of someone that fell madly in love with a person only vaguely like me in menial things like name changing and dwelling quirks, if he’s refusing to marry you for not taking his last name, he doesn’t love you enough to marry you at all. Marriage only seems to be about compromise, it’s really about realizing that your quirks and pride are secondary to someone else’s happiness and if he can’t put aside his silly notions of name to marry you, you’re not the woman he loves.

That said, when my husband and I got married it was agreed that I would keep my last name (because my last name was awesome and I’m not property) but, seeing how much it meant to him, I changed it when he was out of town for a few days.