Why Did Touchdown Jesus Have to Burn? June 20, 2010

Why Did Touchdown Jesus Have to Burn?

By Guest Contributor
June 20, 2010

Touchdown Jesus is no longer around.

But why did the statue burn down?

SFGate columnist Mark Morford has compiled a number of popular reasons God torched Jesus.

These are just a few of the hilarious bits:

4] Oh sure, make all the jokes you want. “God struck down his only son. Again!” Or, “I guess God really hates Styrofoam!” Here’s what the fundamentalists think: “It’s genius! Don’t you see God’s master plan here? He started a holy conversation! We’re all talking about Jesus again! He brought Christ back into the public consciousness! Yay, God!”

Sure, you could argue it’s a form of the Savior that’s just a wee bit tacky, insulting and childish, not to mention a laughable piece of “artwork” you wouldn’t wish upon a blind quadriplegic goat herder. Whatevs. As the Pharisees used to say: “No such thing as bad press, yo.”

5] He is resin.

…

8] Two more: Insurance money. God has been eyeing the new Cadillac CTS Coupe. In this economy? You do what need to do.

…

17] Hey, all kids and parents argue.

18] The revenge of science.

(Thanks to J for the link!)

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  • mikespeir

    “He is resin!”

    What’re you trying to do, kill me? You almost did it with that one!

  • PrimeNumbers

    I can just hear the happy-clappies singing “Burn Jesus Burn” in my head right now….

  • Reginald Selkirk

    Does the “after” framework remind you of the stick figure Mohammed?

  • Reginald Selkirk says:

    Does the “after” framework remind you of the stick figure Mohammed?

    Actually I was thinking it looked more like Johnny 5 from Short Circut. Of course it makes sense really, he does die at the end of both movies only to be resurrected in time to save the day!

    The fire was just God’s way of saying, “How dare you cover up my plucky robot son!”

    Pete…

  • Claudia

    He is resin.

    Heh, I love it.

    Actually the lit fountain in the night shot is quite pretty, and much better without that monstrosity overshadowing it.

  • flawdprefect

    *sigh* It irks me to no end when fundies think that when something like this happens, it puts Jesus back into social conversation. They obviously don’t realize there is a big difference between laughing WITH you, and laughing AT you.

  • Fundie Troll

    My two best guesses on why God burned it to the ground…

    Exodus 20:4
    You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

    Leviticus 26:1
    You shall not make idols for yourselves or erect an image or pillar, and you shall not set up a figured stone in your land to bow down to it, for I am the Lord your God.

  • Dan W

    Some of those reasons were funny, some… well it’s rather sad to think that some people actually might believe that’s why Big Butter Jesus burned down. The real reason is nothing supernatural. When you have a 60-something foot tall statue made of flammable material, with metal bracing inside, during a thunderstorm… it’s the tallest metal thing around for lightning to strike. That church could have at least put a lightning rod on Big Butter Jesus. Or made him out of something less flammable.

  • Alan McGowan

    who cares? Let me know when the Jesus statue over looking Buenos Aries burns down I love hearing about bummed out Christians.

  • Flah the Heretic Methodist

    He is resin indeed.

    There goes any chance of making it through another Easter service straight-faced. Well played.

  • Joffan

    @Flah, I was looking for that… and I just have to add: Alley hoo-hah!

  • Flah the Heretic Methodist

    @Joffan, I’ll just add that to the list. 1. Cartman’s voice saying, “Christian rock is the easiest, crappiest music in the world.” 2. The tunes to The Gilligan’s Island Theme and Amazing Grace are interchangeable. Now 3 and 4. Thanks!

  • muggle

  • Zeus 1, Jesus 0