How Do You Push Away Religious People with Good Intentions?

I would simply ask them to imagine how they would feel were I, in similar circumstances, to use their time of hardship as an excuse to convince them that NOW is the time for them to abandon their faith.

If they cannot see the lack of sensitivity and consideration inherent in their actions – no matter how well intentioned – I’d plainly tell them that their efforts only add to your stress, and that perhaps they might visit another time…when they feel more comfortable respecting your beliefs (or lack thereof).

I have experienced this with a couple of major health issues our family has had the past few years. When they say for me to go to church I say “At this time I know I am strong in my beliefs and would be better dealing with this on my own.”

There has been a few times people asked to pray with me. If it is a stranger or someone I cant stand I flat out say no thank you. If it is family I let them do their thing. Even if you dont believe their rambling it helps close family deal with things themselves. Its like letting the nasty aunt give you a hug. You dont really care for it but it makes them feel better.

I simply say, “thank you” and change the subject. If they’re too pushy, I just say “Thank you, but I don’t believe in all that stuff”.

I think maybe the approach should be different depending on who they are targeting. If they are targeting daddy/husband more patience is to be had than if they are targetting mommy and WAY more than if they are targeting daughter (if she is a child).
Maybe the best way to approach it without a fight is to frame it in positive words. When a suggestion is made that you should go to church with them, something along the lines of “I think you’re love and support is the most important, and it would make me/us feel better just to have you with us”. “I appreciate your intentions, but right now that would only add more stress, which is the last thing we need, I know you’ll understand .”

Framing that states explicitly that you know their suggestion comes from a place of love and because of that you know they’ll respect your wishes to not engage in religious activities may avoid you a fight, assuming the family truly has pure intentions.

Or so I hope.

Those trying to convert at times like this, are doing so out of fear. They see a loved one who they think is going to hell and feel they must do something. We are often asked to respect the beliefs of others, so in this case I would say “Thank you, for your concern, but I would prefer not to discuss it.” If pressed then the follow up could be “Look, things are not easy right now, I really wish you would show the same respect for my beliefs as I do yours.”

How about
I thank you for your love and support. I hope you know that I respect your chosen spiritual path, and I want you to respect mine. YOUR presence and support is what I (we) need right now. Can you offer that?

Thirteeen years ago I was diagnosed with cancer while my wife was on 2+ months of bed rest with twins, trying to avoid a miscarriage. We are also atheists, but not overt about it other than not attending church. We got a lot of the “we are praying for you” – which the questioner correctly notes is easy to brush off. We never once received a conversion attempt or even an offer to join anyone at their church. And we live in the buckle of the bible belt. So the questioner may be worrying about something that probably won’t happen. On the rare chance that it does, I like the “No thanks – now is not a good time” (with a smile) type of responses stated here by others.

At times like these, you don’t need (or deserve) additional stress. I am usually slightly offended by the “I’ll pray for you” comment, if the person doesn’t know I’m an atheist (only because religion in general, offends me). If I tell someone I’m an atheist, then get the “I’ll pray for you” comment, all bets are off….. I’ll most likely respond in a way that will lose that friend forever…..lol.

I would be honest about your particular feelings. I usually tell people “I don’t share your beliefs. If you feel the need to pray FOR me, please feel free, but don’t tell me about it. This is not a good time for me to get into a debate, since I have so many other things to deal with right now, and don’t want the additional stress, thank you.”

Just a little more than 46 years ago my mother was dying of breast cancer. The doctor had allowed her to come home to die. It might have been better if he hadn’t.

The fundy segment of the family (who wouldn’t have pissed on my mother if she was on fire) gathered at her bedside and badgered her to be ‘saved’. Badgered her, blocked my grandmother from entering the room with her morphine, kept us kids and her friends from seeing her to say goodbye.

According to my grandmother, my mother’s last words to anyone were to these people. They were “shove it up your ass”. (Go Mom)

But her last month on earth was truly made hell by these people.

In the case of the writer, you might explain that because of suppressed immune systems of your wife and daughter, it would be better if visitors were severely restricted. (The ‘good christians’ visiting my mother never gave a shit if they came in with colds or flu, so I don’t imagine the most pushy in your case would even think of their own contagion) Then you can pick and choose who you deal with.

Most people will suggest that you go to church because they believe it will be helpful or comforting. I have been in situations in the past, both with depression and with cancer, where people made religious suggestions. My response has always been something like this: “Thank you so much for caring. To be honest, church is not a comforting place for me right now. I need to do what is going to bring me the most comfort and strength. I take walks in the sunshine. I visit with friends. I read encouraging books and listen to music. I will be okay. I hope you understand.”

Most people cannot imagine church not being a comforting place, so this shuts them up. Some people actually look hurt! They also cannot think of how to convince you to go to a place that is not comforting when you have cancer, so they have a hard time trying again.

I get frustrated sometimes because atheists always assume some kind of evil motive. Most religious people really think they are trying to help. Church gives them comfort and hope. They can’t imagine going through cancer without their god. I doubt they are trying to harm you. Just see what they do after you tell them church is not comforting. Most will not try to convince you to go, and if they do, you can tell that it’s because their go-to comfort has been taken away, and they don’t know what else to say. They really can’t understand. Most people, even religious ones, aren’t trying to take advantage of you.

“Sorry, my beliefs are none of your business.” You don’t owe them more of an explanation than that.

Their hearts are in the right place, but their heads are not. Thank them for their concern, maybe even say you’ll consider it. You’re right, the last thing you need now are battles with the self-righteous. I wish you all the best.

I suggest a water pistol

Excellent advice from many readers.

Four years ago my son was diagnosed with Asperguer’s. To this day I get from religious people what a “great blessing” my son’s condition is. I know they mean well, but can’t help answering with an “is it?” That normally shuts them up, and stops them from witnessing any further.

Take good care and best of luck!

After a brother died, I simply retorted

“OK, but first I need to thank your god for punishing my mother by taking one of her babies away from her.”

The stare that followed (YOU DO NOT WANT TO START WITH ME NOW!!!) generally kept that bullcrap at bay.

Not the most civil method of deflecting the superstitious from spreading their baloney, but effective.

I don’t believe in good intentions, everybody has good intentions. I care about whether the actions are actually good. My advice, tell them to “fuck off.” I see no reason to pander to superstitious assholes. If they’re just saying they’re offering prayers, whatever, that’s them wishing for the best, no issue. But, trying to convert. No, fuck off, that’s just preying on the weak and is despicable.

Honestly, what I would say in the circumstance is the following:

I appreciate that you care, but I’d prefer you not take advantage of this difficult time as an opportunity to proselytize. If you genuinely care, please leave your religion out of it.

Wow that’s an awful situation to be in, I hope this nugget helps.

It seems your relatives have their hearts in the right place, they do care, however wanting to get you to sit in a church pew isn’t going to help anyone. If possible, I’d try to tweak their end goal to say volunteer work for hospitals and raising awareness and funding for these conditons. Try to take their focus off the mystical and supernatural and bring it down to earth where you can have a real and significant impact.

Good luck, sir!

The anonymous reader asks for advice about those who “really try to convert us”, not the mere “we’re praying for you” crowd.

The first time someone tries to convert you, if they’re relatively polite in their method (suggesting it, offering to take you to church, but not being overtly critical of you or telling you this is because of your lack of churchgoing) you should respond with a polite negative – “Thanks for your concern, but right now I need to focus on helping my family properly receive medical treatment so they will live.”

After you’ve politely brushed them off once, or if they have the gall to try to blame your problems on your family’s lack of church attendance, you are morally justified in being as impolite to them as you like. Basically, it’s best at that point to make bluntly clear that their behavior is not going to be tolerated. You can do that by using polite but excessively blunt words – “I’m offended by your implication that my family’s medical problems are my fault, and demand you apologize or leave immediately” – or you can be as snyde as you like – “So you’re saying that your god is torturing my wife and daughter to death to punish me for not going to church? what a hatefui and evil god you worship! We want no part of that.”

At that point if they don’t take the hint and behave better at once, it’s best to push them rather severely out of your life until you get a sincere apology or until your life has calmed down to a point where you can handle negotiating with them about their behavior without significant stress to yourself.

I would suggest just telling the proselytizers, “Thank you, but to us faith is a very private and personal matter. We prefer not to discuss it.” If they persist, quote Matthew 6:5 and 6:6 to them.

And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

I’ve found that nothing shuts up a fundamentalist out to save your soul like a good bible quote in the proper context. In addition this lets them think that they don’t have to worry about your soul since you mentioned your faith and quoted the bible properly. They don’t need to know that your faith is in science and reason, not in goat herder logic.

Just wanted to say that I wish you and your family the best. I’m really sorry you are going through such a bad time right now. Best of luck.

A few years ago I had a house fire and lost everything in it. While I got a lot of support from friends and the community, one woman I talked to regularly said she was going to talk to her church congregation about my situation to see if they would be willing to help me. I tried to easily talk her down from it, but it didn’t work. A couple weeks later she said that she had a truckload of stuff from church members, and that the church itself had bought me a full bed (mattress, box springs, frame, sheets, pillows, the works). I tried to refuse it, but she wouldn’t let up, saying that churches were supposed to help a community in need with no strings attached. I knew it was stuff I needed anyway, so I relented and took the offer. I knew what was coming. Sure enough, a week or so later, she asked me to go to church with her. I politely declined, and for the next couple months she asked me every week, getting more pushy each time. By the end, she (and a few of my coworkers) insisted that I owed them for what they had done for me.

To this day, I don’t talk to that woman.

I can easily take “I’ll pray for you” from strangers. Even with friends my response to that was “Please don’t, but I understand and appreciate the sentiment.”

A simple “Thank you, that’s very sweet of you” will usually sap whatever importance the proselytizer attributed to the offer.