If You’ve Ever Kissed Someone… May 8, 2010

If You’ve Ever Kissed Someone…

By Guest Contributor
May 8, 2010

… then, according to this old Christian TV show, you’re just heading down the path of destruction:

You *know* that dad is the kind of person who takes his daughter to Purity Balls… a bit creepy, no?

I agree with the commenter who writes:

Skip ahead to the sequel where he’s a bad kisser and they have no sexual compatibility, live a loveless marriage, and get divorced. Sex isn’t the only important factor in a relationship, but it’s important that there is chemistry.

I think there can be a strong case for waiting until you’re in a serious relationship before doing anything sexual — it depends on the people involved — but this is just taking it too far.

In case you missed it, you can read JulietEcho‘s argument in favor of sex positivity here.

(Thanks to Kristin for the link!)

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  • Judith Bandsma

    Next step after no kissing: no holding hands, no talking, etc.

    It gets worse every year.

  • David W

    So, uhm, in effect he just watched his daughter get deflowered at the marriage altar?!

    Isn’t that a tad voyeuristic and ubercreepy?!

  • Chris

    Having had to endure five years of abstinence with a Catholic partner before marriage and then discovered the ensuing problems after marriage I wholly concur with the commentator.

    People who have a reasonable sexual relationship before marriage are more likely to have a reasonable sexual relationship afterwards. To everyone else – caveat emptor.

  • Lyn

    Point 1. That dad is super creepy, I bet he goes on the honeymoon with them to make sure everything goes okay… if you know what I mean. When he found out the friend had made out with a guy, he looks so shattered I can only assume he wanted to be her first.

    Point 2. Technically, she could marry a gay guy!

  • charles

    i want a girl that’s also never had a guy take her out to a restaurant. i want her to save all her hunger for me.

  • czechatheist

    Wait, wait, wait! Jump to 2:43. The father kisses the daughter. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I don’t like the look in his face…

  • Don

    Creepy.

  • rbray18

    gotta love Christian propaganda.not that it has worked really,trust me,the church i use to go to had young women that would make porn stars blush 😀 but that probably comes from the screwed up sex even touch is bad idiocy being taught.make something forbidden and suddenly most teenagers can’t wait to do it.

  • Grimalkin

    Great dad! He’s successfully managed to protect his daughter from ever ending up with anyone other than the biggest self-righteous arse in town!

  • Claudia

    Soooo, once they’ve decided that a good christian girl should also cover her hair, how will we differentiate them from pious Muslims, exactly?

    I would expect they aren’t doing this anymore, but part of me sort of hopes they are. The more out there they are, the more likely kids are to rebel and leave the church altogether. Of course it would be nice if they could do so without awful baggage and shame issues around something as important as sexuality, but unfortunately that isn’t an option.

    Oh and anyone wishing to be freaked the hell out about purity balls can look here:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/19/us/19purity.html?_r=1

    Pictures here:

    http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2008/05/19/us/0519-PURITY_index.html

  • Erik

    At my parent’s house this week I saw the brochure for a christian bookstore. Apparently “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” is still a big seller. Unbelievable.

  • jen

    Judith Bandsma – actually “no hand holding” isn’t new. I had a good Mormon boy (the kind who wouldn’t drink lemonade with sugar in it, because sugar’s baaaadddd) break up with me (not that we were exactly dating) in 1988 or so (we were sophomores or maybe juniors in high school), specifically because we’d held hands a few times and he worried that it was the start of physical temptation….

  • STM

    At first, I thought “kissing” was just a euphemism for an act they couldn’t bring their good Christian mouths to say, but then they claim that kissing leads to… well… y’know… something they can’t bring their good Christian mouths to say! Ugh.

  • jemand

    the solution for them here seems to get married very young. A lot of conservative Christians stress what they didn’t do before marriage… but then when you investigate you find out that they got married at an age that many of their secular peers haven’t had sex yet either. And it looks like these two got married around 16, which I’m imagining is an age where a good many secular kids haven’t kissed yet either, though perhaps not a majority.

  • Judith Bandsma

    Yeah, STM…it leads to awful things like (hoarse whisper) DANCING.

  • Kevin_In_Philadelphia

    I don’t want to jump to any conclusions here, but does it seem to anyone else that there is WAAAAAY too much sexual tension between father and daughter? Pretty sure there are pr0nos that have similar story lines…just sayin’.

  • Got it, no kissing. Saddlebacking is still OK though, right?

  • littlejohn

    My experience is that kids raised under such rigid rules tend to rebel and go off the deep end of promiscuity, drugs and booze.

  • I can’t help but wonder if the day will come where this will not be satire.

  • I didn’t know that Christian Side Hugs(tm) could get even creepier, but the dad looks way too happy to be in the middle.

  • Staceyjw

    This crap is alive and well- and growing- in the Quiverfull and biblical Patriarchy movements. The girl is seen as property of dad, until she is married after being courted by a dad approved man.They are not different than Muslims,BTW. Muslims are just more obious because there are more of them that act this way. The biblical justification is the same in both cases. Its sick and regressive.

    If you really wanna be sick, check out the Kateryn Joyce book on Quiverfull. Will make feminists want to rescue the women!

  • Mel

    Ewwww, this was creepy beyond belief! I’m sure this kind of propaganda is alive and well in more modern versions (eg the Duggar wedding, ewwww) where not only kissing, but dancing is considered sexually provocative. What the hell?

  • slantrhyme

    Quite frankly, I kept waiting for the deep bass lines to drop and for things to get really, really funky. You know what I mean? But nooooo….it was exactly like a 70s porn, only without the porn. I pretty much concur with what everyone here has said. Creepy, wrong, ill-thought, etc etc etc….

  • Alan E

    The thing that really got me was that they didn’t even show the two people kissing even after they got married! I guess they didn’t want the actors to go down a bad path by showing something that in a “normal” situation, they would have been able to do. So is no kissing allowed at all, even after marriage? Because the mixed signals must have been put in a blender before interpretation.

  • I love the footprints on the snow thing when she runs- is it some sort of purity analogy. And that Dad, well he is very creepy. Why is the Dad having these kissing conversations with his daughter? Isn’t it inappropriate for the father to be so touchy feely( !!) ?

  • Jonas

    Wait — You may *Now* kiss the bride ??
    In front of all these people ???

    Christians are such exhibitionists !! No ?!?

  • Jen

    First of all, this has to be a joke. People never really dressed like that! What terrible hair. What terrible clothes. And what a terrible attitude about women.

    Also, I too hope to marry someone who hasn’t kissed anyone. I hope they have no life experience and have never left their homes, which is why I only ever date from terrifiedshutins.com. Then my love will cure them and suddenly they will love going out even though they never have before! Rings and alter kisses make you good at things you have never tried! Yay! This plan makes sense for some reason!

  • Randy

    I have one question-where is the Mom in all of this? Oh, probably barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.

  • I don’t disagree with conservative Christians about the oversexualization of our culture.

    But this shit is just goddamn weird. Does anyone take this seriously?

  • Actually I wasn’t forthright enough in my condemnation:

    That was one of the most psychotic “PSA’s” I’ve ever seen.

    Was there ever a time when such sexual asceticism was considered normal?

  • Kevin

    Jesus Christ!!! how about a little warning here! This is going to give me nightmares!!!

  • Carlie

    A lot of conservative Christians stress what they didn’t do before marriage… but then when you investigate you find out that they got married at an age that many of their secular peers haven’t had sex yet either.

    And that’s a huge problem – a lot of them get married by 21 or 22 at the latest because they just can’t stand not having sex, and then there’s a rash of divorces in their 30s as they realize how hasty and mistaken they were about their partner.

  • cella

    Fyi, proper credit should go to Rich Juzwiak and his blog, fourfour, who cut that video from the movie. You’ve linked to a ripped off version.
    http://fourfour.typepad.com/fourfour/2010/04/thou-shalt-not-kiss.html

  • Creepy and just dripping with sexism. Unfortunately, it’s not that uncommon to have situations like this with really conservative christians–except that some of them actually do this nonsense in public and call it a purity ball.

    And I love how there’s only two choices–the guy who saved it all and the one who had “been with other women.” (And we all know which is better, rolls eyes).

  • gwen

    Creepiest movie I’ve seen in a long time…WHERE IS THE MOM?? where is her input??How misogynistic can you get!

  • Andrew

    I love that the scoring when they show kissing virgins is all woodwinds. TAKE THAT, SEXLESS OBOE!

    Flute, we all know you’re lying and that you’re a dirty slut.

  • muggle

    Creepy. Creepy. Creepy.

    It does seem to make for too much sexual tension between father and daughters. If you clicked on that link to the Purity Balls above, just, ewww…

    At first I thought you were putting up one of your parody videos you share Hemant then I realized they were serious. Shudder.

    Of course, I should have known. My mother was convinced dancing was a direct route to hell and degradation.

    Oh, and c’mon, with all the questions about where is Mom? We all know moms/women don’t count for anything, right?

  • Kamaka

    Well, I’m wondering what all you complainers see as the problem here!

    This video worked for me. My ideas about sexuality and and interpersonal relations with females are so obviously all screwed-up, I see now my need for religious guidance.

    I wish creepy dad was my father.

  • Angie

    The sad thing is, attitudes like this are alive and well in fundamentalist Christian circles. Christian ministries such as Generations of Virtue are seeped in this sort of sexually repressive, misogynist thinking.

    http://www.generationsofvirtue.org/

    Yuck.

  • AxeGrrl

    Carlie wrote:

    a lot of them get married by 21 or 22 at the latest because they just can’t stand not having sex, and then there’s a rash of divorces in their 30s as they realize how hasty and mistaken they were about their partner.

    *cough* Kevin Jonas *sputter*

  • That was just awful. And that dad was fucking creepy as hell. Seriously, though, who in their right mind (oh, just answered my own question) would want someone who had never kissed someone before? How would that person even know how to do it well? Bad kissers suck.

  • AxeGrrl

    Mat Wilder wrote:

    who in their right mind (oh, just answered my own question) would want someone who had never kissed someone before? How would that person even know how to do it well? Bad kissers suck.

    Oh come now…..you can’t see the appeal in being in the position of teaching someone who has no experience? 🙂

  • Alan McGowan

    This level of boarder line incest should be illegal! A Father HAS NO RIGHT CONTROL THIER CHILDREN IN THIS WAY; daughter or son! Any good Christian should flagellate themselves to repent for this obvious sin! Why should you honor a Father who doesn’t respect your right to choose?

  • atticus

    The mother dies in childbirth. ‘When Pamela was born i made a commitment to the lord to pray with her every night. If I go to the convention, I won’t be able to keep that commitment’ ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? Okay, and he’s in a hotel praying with his daughter over the phone.

    And later she says a prayer before blowing out her birthday cake candles! Not a wish? THIS MOVIE IS MESSED UP.

    I’m sorry, but a father that won’t let his 16 year old daughter go to a football game is CONTROLLING and just … MRGH.

    It’s twelve minutes into the film, and my head might actually explode.

  • AxeGrrl, that would imply that one party had some experience to pass on.

  • AxeGrrl

    hoverfrog wrote:

    AxeGrrl, that would imply that one party had some experience to pass on.

    Well, I just assumed that Mat Wilder would have more experience than the girl here 🙂

  • 🙂 Surely a good Christian boy wouldn’t have such double standards. Honestly I’m shocked and stunned at the very suggestion.

  • Flah the Heretic Methodist

    The mom either didn’t save it for marriage and is living a life of husband-induced shame in the back rooms of the house, or she did save it for marriage and lives with the realization that she put a lot of emphasis on something that turned out to be not that much, and she’s living a life of shattered expectations.

    Either way, she’s Valiumed herself into the near coma it requires to get through every day with her Good Christian Woman mask on. Clearly Dad didn’t allow her the opportunity to get Daughter to the side and have the conversation similar to the grand-dad’s advice in Little Miss Sunshine.

  • Bwahahaaha! I had forgotten about this terrible little movie! I’ve actually seen the whole thing! 😀

  • gribblethemunchkin

    What an excellent clip.

    Concur with thoughts on Creepy Dad. Makes me shudder.

    I really wanted them to show the kiss at the wedding. It would be great, both faces moving together, lips puckering up slightly, then bumping teeth painfully, slobber everywhere, her biting his lip accidently, him choking on her tongue. Man that would have rocked.

    I’ve always been of the opinion that young’uns should be free to sleep around, snog boys/girls, get up to all kinds of wild stuff during their teens/early twenties. As long as they do it safely (and really thats not hard at all).

    Then when they start getting the crazy hormones out their system, they can settle down. To deny it all and bottle it up inside until you bind yourself into a contract with a similarly repressed and inexperienced person just seems weird.

  • Ann

    A boy spreading rumors that they made out with him seems like a reasonable punishment from God for disobeying her father. Good thing he blamed her instead of comforting her- don’t want mixed signals.

  • AnonyMouse

    All of this is creepy and weird and yadda, but the thing that really annoys me is the emphasis on the girl’s dad to protect her from all those big, nasty men who want to put it in her. Not just because they think that the girl isn’t capable of doing her own cockblocking, but what about the girl’s other greatest ally: her MOTHER? Where is Mom in all this? I thought that the whole point of being Christian is that mothers teach their little girls how to grow up and be women and fathers teach their little boys how to grow up and be men. But I guess those delicate little moms aren’t up to the task, so Big Strong Dad’s gotta take over.

    Wait… I know why that is! It’s because if you let Mom handle sex education, she’d tell her daughter that she made a terrible mistake and that the daughter should bang as many guys as possible before she settles down! XD

  • In a church in Mississippi they make the daughters of like 12 yrs of age get up with there dad in front of the whole church and promise she will not have sex till she is married. How back ass backwards is that?

  • Epi

    I’m pretty sure there was a porn called Vista Valley or something that had a father/daughter relationship that was pretty much this, but with porn.

  • Phil E. Drifter

    Where’s the lesbian porn, i was told there would be lesbian porn here.

  • Phil E. Drifter

    Where’s the lesbian porn, i was told there would be lesbian porn here.

    Wesley: “In a church in Mississippi they make the daughters of like 12 yrs of age get up with there dad in front of the whole church and promise she will not have sex”

    That only makes them want sex MOAR!! It’s a win-win situation!

  • DeWard Farquar

    You have GOT to be jackin’ me! I’m all for abstinence up to the point where its reasonably appropriate and I suppose if I had a daughter instead of a son, my viewpoint would probably be more pruddish however, saving oneself by not sharing a kiss? That’s absurd and, as it’s been mentioned in this thread countless times already, just plain sick. Guaran-freakin-teed, the father in this thing has issues. There’s no doubt in my mind. Jesus…who does that?!

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