How Prayers Are Answered February 11, 2010

How Prayers Are Answered

By Guest Contributor
February 11, 2010

The Onion explains:



… Marvin Pewter, 45, was able to refinance his house after a radio station in Sioux Falls, SD played the favorite song of a local data-entry worker who, quietly singing along to the tune in her office, became distracted and missed a keystroke that eventually resulted in Pewter’s credit rating increasing by 200 points. “Thank God,” said Pewter, speaking to reporters from the large ranch-style home he purchased four years ago and has never been able to afford. “This just goes to show that, if you put your faith in the Lord, the Lord will provide.”…

I never did like that “Lord works in mysterious ways” copout…

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment

  • Praying to God is like playing a slot machine. The chances of winning are very low, and when someone does win, it’s just blind luck.

  • Mary

    In this case, if someone EFFs up… you’re prayers will be answered.

  • Sarah

    I’m sure the bank will be happy when he reneges on his payments and they have to foreclose. I just shake my head at people like this.

  • When the theist buffoon finds himself living in a cardboard box in an alley he can just say:
    ” The Lord givieth and the Lord taketh away.”

    It’s a no lose proposition for the religiously impaired.

  • Richard Wade

    It could be argued that all prayers are answered, almost always with nothing happening at all, a small percentage when things get a little better, about an equally small percentage when things get a little worse, a very small percentage when everything works out beautifully, and about an equally very small percentage when the poop hits the propeller.

  • Meg

    So wait, if she loses her job because of this mistake, is that God answering his prayer and simultaneously punishing her? Is that God’s will? Damn, The Onion needs to explore this…actually, never mind. Many Christians have explained the fickleness of their God to me. He’s kind of a jerk.

  • Ron in Houston

    Following up on what Richard said…

    In the believer world view all prayers are answered. Instead of accepting the dichotomy of yes/no they instead create this illogical third alternative of “God only understands.”

    So, instead of seeing God as shooting them the big finger in the sky, they instead will say, “oh what a mystery.”

    For me, the great mystery is why no “boom?” Why don’t their heads explode from the cognitive dissonance?

  • The Onion is always great for skewering religion. If only more religious people really took it to heart. This reminds of an Onion article from several years back; something to the effect of “God Answer’s Diseased Boy’s Prayer: God Says No.”

    I think you hit the nail on the head Dromedary. Believers try to set their religions up so they can’t lose – God always answers prayers – sometimes he says yes, sometimes no. That’s just heads I win, tails you lose.

  • alex

    Gabriel G.:

    Pretty much, except that with slot machines, if you don’t play, you don’t win. With prayer, you may never play pray in your entire life and still hit the jackpot. How awesome is that?

    Prayer FTW 😉

    ETA: The Onion is the best!

  • Edmond

    Everything everyone said was the best, but only Sarah said the BEST of the best. Maybe god is on the bank’s side?

  • muggle

    Onion reports are the best.

  • Jonas

    There must be a lot of accident prone data-entry workers out there. — As too many incorectly raise peoples credit ratings, resulting in too many loans people can’t afford, and the economy crashing…

    Now is God good in the short term, and bad in the long term ??

  • Jim H

    George Carlin once did a monologue in which he said he prays to Joe Pesci, because Joe Pesci looks like a guy who can get things done. And, prayers to Joe Pesci are answered at about the same rate as other prayers, 50-50.

    (Though I think he might have gotten a better rate if he actually spoke with Joe Pesci…)

  • J. J. Ramsey

    This reminds of an Onion article from several years back; something to the effect of “God Answer’s Diseased Boy’s Prayer: God Says No.”

    Was it this article: God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy: ‘No,’ Says God?

  • That would be the one!

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