Prayer Strategies January 15, 2010

Prayer Strategies

If only atheists knew the secret, we’d all be believers:

The Greater Wichita Heating and Plumbing Little Sluggers say a team prayer before the big game. Three hours later, they win, and each player is given a personal pan pizza coupon for their hard work during the season. Hundreds of miles away, a small, starving girl in Honduras, delirious with fever, begs God for a single grain of rice to sustain her through the night. By morning, she is reduced to an unflattering, riceless corpse.

The difference between these two stories? Only one message to God was aided by my Advanced Prayer Strategies. (The one without the dead Mexican.)

For just $39.99 plus shipping, handling, and Kinko’s binding charge, Advanced Prayer Strategies will teach you:

  • God’s secret nickname… known only by The Jews!
  • Peak prayer hours: don’t get caught up in the pre-bedtime rush!
  • How to bargain with God on your terms. Learn about His secret past, and use it against Him!
  • Over 500 compliments God’s never heard before, organized alphabetically!

There’s plenty more where that came from 🙂

(Thanks to Scott for the link!)

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • mj

    the kid in honduras is mexican?

  • Trace

    yep, “something awful” indeed. Thanks for the smile. 😉

  • I feel I’m more at the “Remedial Prayer Strategies” level, but didn’t see that available.

  • Fett101

    “Peak prayer hours: don’t get caught up in the pre-bedtime rush!”

    Here’s a sneak hint: Prayer during Russia’s bedtime since, as a godless elaboration of a country, god’s prayer lines will be completely free.

  • alex

    Fett101:

    Hey, I hear ya, but Russians are catching on over there. At least they were starting to about 10 years ago when I lived there. Better get your stuff quick!

  • gwen

    It is obscene to compare a ball game win to a child dying of starvation. To add to the ignorant idiocy, Honduras is not hundreds of miles from Kansas, it is THOUSANDS of miles away. What an ass-wipe…

  • “Over 500 compliments God’s never heard before, organized alphabetically!”

    I thought God was omniscient! Imagine my embarrassment when I discovered that I was wrong.

    Doh! I’ve been Poed again!

  • Rob

    God’s secret nickname is “Billy.” There, saved ya fourty bucks.

  • muggle

    “God” I really hope that’s a Poe.

    Is his real nickname Lucifer, by any chance?

  • Jake

    It is obscene to compare a ball game win to a child dying of starvation. To add to the ignorant idiocy, Honduras is not hundreds of miles from Kansas, it is THOUSANDS of miles away. What an ass-wipe…

    it’s a joke. lighten up francis.

  • aerie

    “It is obscene to compare a ball game win to a child dying of starvation.”

    That’s the point of the joke, gwen. It IS obscene that your bible god would ignore the cries of a child dying of starvation & instead, bless the little league team with a win and, ironically, a pizza party. Do you get that one, gwen? Little league team prays to a “loving” god for a good outcome thus fun & a good meal. Child in S. America dies sick & hungry, alone with nothing.

    The oscene part is that millions continue to believe the bible fiction & still worship this sick & twisted god, even in the face of such a dichotomy. Fortunately, a similar scenario was the spark of my unbelief.

    Is God willing to ease suffering but not able? Not much of a god. Is he able but not willing? An evil god, undeserving of my love or worship. Or maybe he’s not there at all.

  • Twin-Skies

    Whatever floats your boat, but given the scenario of that kid is a little to close to home, I’m not laughing.

  • Stan

    Sure didn’t see that one coming.

  • alex

    Prayer insurance, anyone?

    No, no, how about this: you call us at our 1-900 number and recite your prayer, and we will, for a small fee, relay that prayer directly to God using our professionally organized circles of prayer (patent pending)!

    I think I better go to sleep before I come up with something even more egregious.

  • Brian Macker

    “the kid in honduras is mexican?”

    Yes, everyone knows that Mexicans migrate to Honduras to die and to the US if they want a job. It’s like the elephant graveyard without all the Ivory. However, there is a treasure trove of rosary beads and plastic Guadalupe statues.

  • Eliza

    For those who find this tasteless and/or offensive, note the accuracy of the scenario in the paragraph about the well-fed (even over-fed) athletes praying to win their game vs. the poverty-stricken dying child praying for the basics needed to survive. Regardless of what country they’re in. (So maybe those EXACT examples didn’t happen on the exact same night. The general scenario is accurate. See Hemant’s post today about the Egyptian baseball team. And the prior posts about Jesus appearing in food or stains, and about athletes crediting their performance to God, etc etc. And compare it to Jesus’ teachings about poverty and helping others, and against overt religiosity and greed and pride. Etc etc)

    Like so many other attempts at humor (whether they work or fall flat), the additional stuff simply takes part of the scenario, the “righteous” part, to ridiculous lengths to point out how ridiculous it is. Doing so highlights the hypocrisy (in case it wasn’t already clear).

    [/attempt to analyze humor]

  • gwen

    Jake Says:it’s a joke. lighten up francis.

    Oops, missed the Poe!

  • aerie

    Thanks, Eliza.

    It may have been a Poe, but gwen’s comment just blew this scenario off as if some form of it doesn’t happen every day in the world. Maybe it just took her a while to “get it”. It rubbed me the wrong way b/c she sounded like a fundy turning a blind eye to the situation in the story.