The BibleThumper iPhone App

There are plenty of Bible-related iPhone applications out there, but this one is slightly different.

Shake up your phone and a new Bible verse appears.

An amusing, possibly-graphic, potentially-obscene, and/or violent Bible verse.

Good times.

The designer of the app, Francis Dierick, took this project personally. In an email, he writes:

Selecting those quotes was actually a very interesting personal experience that renewed my atheist ardour. The app was developed with tongue firmly planted in cheek: e.g. it has a 17+ rating to protect the children from the obscenities described in the bible.

The app costs $0.99, but Francis has been nice enough to offer free promo codes for a few readers.

If you want them, all you have to do is leave a comment with the most mis-interpret-able Bible verse you can find 🙂

If you use your real email address, I’ll pick my favorite three and those people will get an email from me with their promo code tomorrow. (To use them, go to the iTunes store and click on “Redeem.”)

ungullible

One of my recent favorites is Numbers 5: 12-27 (the Law of Jealousies) where a man who has become suspicious of his wife’s infidelity can take her to the temple and have a priest force her to drink a potion that will cause her to have an abortion if she is guilty.

Verse 22 says “And this water that causeth the curse shall go into thy bowels, to make thy belly to swell, and thy thigh to rot: And the woman shall say, Amen, amen.”

It’s hard to pick just one verse that captures the full story here, so it may not be well suited for this app though.
JohnFrost

It’d be a shame if he doesn’t have this verse:

Ezekiel 23:20 “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” (NIV)

Amen! Can I get a witness?!
Brian C Posey

Bible quotes are like fortune cookies. You have to add “in bed” to the end:

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, in bed. (Matthew 7:12)

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord in bed! (Psalms 27:14)

Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good in bed. (1 Peter 3:13)
Pony

My personal favourite is

“Happy are those who take thy little ones and dash them against the rocks” Psalm 137:9

Tenderise those babies!
Sandra S

Oh, the bible… an unending source of pure comedy (and violence, bigotry and just very poor science).

Have I conceived all this people? have I begotten them, that thou shouldest say unto me, Carry them in thy bosom, as a nursing father beareth the sucking child, unto the land which thou swarest unto their fathers? Numbers 11:12

Not to mention all the people who keeps falling on their faces. Good old slapstick comedy.

Then Moses and Aaron fell on their faces before all the assembly of the congregation of the children of Israel. Numbers 14:5

And they fell upon their faces, and said, O God, the God of the spirits of all flesh, shall one man sin, and wilt thou be wroth with all the congregation? Numbers 16:25

And when Moses heard it, he fell upon his face. Numbers 16:4

And to top it off with some revelation:

[…] the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. […] Revelations 14:3-14:4

“Ew, cooties!” What, is God like seven?

/Love, S.
(That got kind of long, didn’t it? By the way, you don’t have to send me any code, don’t have an iPhone and don’t intend to get one… ever.)

P.S. “[…]David arose out of a place toward the south, and fell on his face to the ground[…]” 1 Samuel 20:41

… P.P.S. “And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground.” 1 Samuel 25:23
Bráulio Bezerra

Sadly, the God(tm) from the Christian brand thinks only some people deserve an iPhone 🙁
Cone10

Malachi 2:3 (King James Version)

3Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it
gettingfree

Ezekiel 23:20 “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” (NIV)

Amen! Can I get a witness?!

Amen! See, quotes like this prove that the bible is definitely the divinely inspired word of an all-seeing, all-knowing, infinitely-smart god!

(Or maybe these are the words of Larry Flynt?! :P)
P

2 Kings 2

2:21
Elisha went out to the spring of water, threw salt in it, and said, “This is what the Lord says: ‘I have healed this water. No longer will death or unfruitfulness result from it.’ ”

2:22
Therefore, the water remains healthy to this very day according to the word that Elisha spoke.

2:23
From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking up the path, some small boys came out of the city and harassed him, chanting, “Go up, baldy! Go up, baldy!”

2:24
He turned around, looked at them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two female bears came out of the woods and mauled 42 of the youths.

That.Shit.KILLS.me! How could something like this ever be in a holy book, and how do people defend such blatant bullshit. Kill 42 kids for calling a bald person Bald? Gag me!
Optimus Primate

Numbers 22:28-29
And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?

And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.
Alan E.

How awesome. I first tweeted that last weekend with the #atheist tag. I used it as part of my Priest costume. I would get people into having me read a passage from the bible, and I used this app for my selections. Had quite a few people try to tell me that some of them were fake.
scsalon

I went ahead and bought it because I wanted to support the owner-however, cracks me up that there is a huge warning on itunes page.
http://salon.glenrose.net/biblethumper.jpg
Because, you know, You Must be At least 17 Years Old To Read the Bible because it contains objectionable content.
Jim H

Aw, Pony named my favorite. But then there is Jeremiah 8:17 :

For, behold, I will send serpents, cockatrices, among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you, saith the LORD. “I will send serpents, cockatrices among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you.”. KJV (not the conservative version)

I had to look up cockatrice: a serpent, hatched from a cock’s egg, that can kill with a glance. I think that would make a cool pet.
Riksa

Just for the heck of it:

——————

Rev. Lovejoy:

Homer, I’d like you to remember Matthew 7:26.
“A foolish man who built his house on sand.”

Homer:
And YOU remember… Matthew … 21:17!

Rev. Lovejoy:
“And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there”?

—————

My favorite passage, therefore, is Matthew 21:17. It explains everything at once!
Neil Polzin

Genesis 1:26
Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.”
Jeff

I always like quoting 1 Timothy 2:12 to people that love quoting the Bible.

“I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.”

Though I’m sure there are more misogynistic things in the OT.
Epistaxis

I second Ezekiel 23:20.

Also, 1 Kings 21:21. “Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall.”
Jenea

Not sure if this verse is misinterpretable, exactly, it’s just bizarre (why, why does it have to be human sh-t?):

Ezekial 4:
12 “Eat the food as you would a barley cake; bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel.” 13 The LORD said, “In this way the people of Israel will eat defiled food among the nations where I will drive them.”

14 Then I said, “Not so, Sovereign LORD! I have never defiled myself. From my youth until now I have never eaten anything found dead or torn by wild animals. No unclean meat has ever entered my mouth.”

15 “Very well,” he said, “I will let you bake your bread over cow manure instead of human excrement.”
Joel

Thus saith the LORD of hosts; Behold, I will send upon them the sword, the famine, and the pestilence, and will make them like vile figs, that cannot be eaten, they are so evil.

–Jeremiah 29:17 (God hates figs)

And he made a molten sea, ten cubits from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, and his height was five cubits: and a line of thirty cubits did compass it round about.

–1 Kings 7:23 (That one is for all the math teachers out there)
Tizzle

King James version:
“Jeremiah 19:9 And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend in the siege and straitness, wherewith their enemies, and they that seek their lives, shall straiten them.”

Perhaps the homosexuals aren’t eating their babies?
Judith Bandsma

Matthew 15:11 (especially for Rush, Beck and their ilk)

It is not that which goes into a man’s mouth that defiles him but that which comes out of it.

and for expansion:

15:17 Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever entereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught?
15:18 But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.
15:19 For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies:
15:20 These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a man.
Eliza

Mark 14:51-52 (NIV)

A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment, was following Jesus. When they seized him, he fled naked, leaving his garment behind.

(Just what was going on in the garden of Gethsemane?)

Isaiah 45:7 (KJV)

I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.

Genesis 19:5-8 (NIV)

They called to Lot, “Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them.”

Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him and said, “No, my friends. Don’t do this wicked thing. Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don’t do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof.”

Judges 11:30-35 (KJV) – excerpted here

30 And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands,

31 Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD’s, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering.

…

34 And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances: and she was his only child; beside her he had neither son nor daughter.

35 And it came to pass, when he saw her, that he rent his clothes, and said, Alas, my daughter! thou hast brought me very low, and thou art one of them that trouble me: for I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back.
Eliza

Judges 19:20-29 (NIV)

20 “You are welcome at my house,” the old man said. “Let me supply whatever you need. Only don’t spend the night in the square.” 21 So he took him into his house and fed his donkeys. After they had washed their feet, they had something to eat and drink.

22 While they were enjoying themselves, some of the wicked men of the city surrounded the house. Pounding on the door, they shouted to the old man who owned the house, “Bring out the man who came to your house so we can have sex with him.”

23 The owner of the house went outside and said to them, “No, my friends, don’t be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don’t do this disgraceful thing. 24 Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But to this man, don’t do such a disgraceful thing.”

25 But the men would not listen to him. So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. 26 At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight.

27 When her master got up in the morning and opened the door of the house and stepped out to continue on his way, there lay his concubine, fallen in the doorway of the house, with her hands on the threshold. 28 He said to her, “Get up; let’s go.” But there was no answer. Then the man put her on his donkey and set out for home.

29 When he reached home, he took a knife and cut up his concubine, limb by limb, into twelve parts and sent them into all the areas of Israel.
Eight

Leviticus 20:15

And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast.

I just like to think about why this law was necessary, mentioned multiple times in the old testament. Oh those crazy isrealites.
Siamang

The reviews on the App store are pretty funny.

I love the upset fundagelicals.
Robert Madewell

Yea, brother, let me have joy of thee in the Lord: refresh my bowels in the Lord. Philemon 1:20 (KJV)
Bryan

Leviticus 26:29
“You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters.”

God makes you eat babies? Can’t beat that.
Zack

And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.–Leviticus 26:29
Brian

Best misinterpretation: 1 Samuel 18:3-4

“Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that [was] upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle.”

Could be getting a little close to Leviticus 20:13, aren’t we…
ImmortalityLTD

Whenever someone asks me my favorite bible verse, I always tell them Romans 2:21, and leave them wondering what the verse says. If they look it up later, they will find it reads: “As it is written: ‘God’s name is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you.'”

Yeah, i’m kind of a dick.
nowoo

“God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie” – 2 Thessalonians 2:11
5ive

link for the app, please? for those of us who would buy it 😉
Hemant Mehta

Here’s the link for the app!
Bruce Martin

The fourth of the five holy books of Moses, the book written by him and called Numbers, gives us the following:

“The man, Moses, was exceedingly humble, more than any person on the face of the earth.”

— Numbers 12:3

I sure wish that I were the humblest person in the whole world. That would be fantastically super great for me.
Bruce Martin

The bible must be true, because it tells us which kinds of clothing will wrinkle and look inelegant. Here’s a hint from Helouise, in Jesus name, ramen.

Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together. Deuteronomy 22:11

Remember that this commandment is one of the 613 things that is an abomination to the lord. For 3000 years, people have known that bad clothing deserves death.
Bruce Martin

God will bless you with girls to enjoy, apparently.

And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? … Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Numbers 31:15-19

How can we question the word of the Lordy?
Bruce Martin

Here’s my favorite verse in the bible. It commands all women that they MUST be lesbians. It is an abomination for a woman to lie with a man. A woman should only lie with a woman. It is the word of the lord.

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. Leviticus 18:22

I don’t think I am misinterpreting this, as the bible presumably means exactly what it literally says, in plain English, just as Moses wrote it. (He wouldn’t use the British version, of course, but only the real, American version of our holy English language.)
Francis Dierick

Hi all,

This is Francis, developer of BibleThumper. I’m working on an update for the app and will probably include some of your suggestions.

@Siamang: I’m not sure what I should do about those 1-star reviews. On the one hand they’re damn funny, but on the other hand they bring the app ranking down. I’m sure that if I make the app free it will get inundated with ‘bibletards’ reviews.

@5ive : http://itunes.com/apps/BibleThumper

Cheers – Francis
almightygod

Gen 1:1
mingfrommongo

Most misinterpreted by Xtians:
Prove all things; hold fast that which is good. – 1Thessalonians 5:12
Francis Dierick

@ Alan E. : Really? So glad someone used it ‘for real’. All quotes are from the King James version, so they’re defenitely not fake! Thanks for the tweet. I’m @francis_dierick on Twitter.

@ scsalon: I hope you’re above 17 & managed to buy it 😉

… word is that Hemant will be announcing the winners soon!
Hemant Mehta

Winners have been contacted. Thanks, everyone!
Alekx

I, for one, think this app would be way better if it had odd quotes from many different religions and their holy books.
It would show the fact that every religion
has a bit of awkwardness to it.

Other than that, I want this.
Great stuff for boredom.
Jon

“Blessed is the man who takes your babies and smashes them against the rocks.” -Psalm 137:9
Jay

I am an atheist, but this app is ridiculous. Why would I pay even a dollar for something that I can do a search for and find on the internet for free? Buy a Snickers bar for yourself instead.