Which Religion Should I Follow? October 21, 2009

Which Religion Should I Follow?

This flowchart explains all:

Sadly, I’m right where I should be.

Just a few hundred thousand dollars more and I’m outta here.

(via Holy Taco — Thanks to Kaleena for the link!)

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • oinonio

    If I were rich and insane, I’d start my own whack-job religion, steal away some of $cientology’s profits.

  • Alan E.

    The best part is that it asks what you want or like, not what you actually think or believe. What if I want everyone to worship me? It also reminds me of the create your own adventure books where you hold your place to see if you like the outcome.

  • Gabriel G.


    But yeah, on my first try, I got Wiccan.
    If I was stupid enough to follow a religion, I have to admit Wicca isn’t such a bad deal.

    OH YEAH!

  • Yeah, this is a good one. Where do you find all your good stuff?

  • Joshua

    Hummus is the decider between Jewish and Muslim? There’s going to be a ton of angry hummus-loving Jews out there sending strongly worded letters.

    Not to mention the baba ganoush fanatics girding up for jihad against all chickpea-based foods.

  • Ashley Moltzan

    lol this is awesome. i love it

  • Demetrius Of Pharos

    @Gabriel G.:
    I humbly submit to you the MC Frontalot Song ‘Goth Girls’ –
    Video  Lyrics

  • pebox

    Hi! I do not have a proof that God exists, but I do need a proof that God does not exist.

    Can you give me one PROOF? Either would suffice.

    thank you!

  • Kevin M.

    Yeah I agree about the Hummus thing… maybe it should be:

    Do you like bagels?
    if “I F*cking love bagels” – you should be Jewish
    else you should be Muslim

  • Michael

    Wait what? Buddhists don’t have any gods, not even Buddha himself is considered one.

  • mikespeir

    I’m poor. So I can’t be an atheist?

  • Outstanding find! This is certainly worth sharing.

  • sven

    do you like spaghetti..

  • LOLZ! Lucky me, I turned out atheist, which means this chart is 100% accurate for everyone! 😀

    Great find. Thanks for sharing this. It made me smile.

  • Peregrine

    Well, it got me about 95% right. But I think it turned my wife Hindu.

  • muggle

    Well, that got me completely right. However, I’m okay even if I do win the lotto. (Hey, I know but desperate people grasp at straws.) I’ve been certified sane.

    That was the upshot of the religious discrimination I suffered on the job. Put me on involuntary medical leave until I underwent a psychiatric examination which I only did because I was on the list (scored in the 90’s on the civil service exam) for promotion. Needless to say, I passed with flying colors. Which surprised me because the shrink seemed quite hostile. The whole state exam place was real creepy and big-brotherish.

    So, even though I’m paranoid, I’m sane. (Appearances sometimes to the contrary.) Bring on the wealth New York State lottery! You owe me and I know I’d never win a law suit even if I could find a willing lawyer.

    I owned a black cat for 18 1/2 years but I guess that doesn’t count since I believe in no gods. Guess Wicca’s a backup when we’re forced to choose at gun point. (Actually, I think I’d take the Flying Spaghetti Monster and, hey, then I get to get a cool pirate costume.)

  • This post has been linked for the HOT5 Daily 10/22/2009, at The Unreligious Right

  • Arctic Ape

    You’d think that Jewish/Muslim was determined by beer rather than hummus.

    More importantly, I think that the “Rich and Insane” question should be replaced by “Do You REALLY Need Religion?”. It’d imply that a) no religion is *not* a religion and b) you don’t actually need to be rich to be exploited by religion.

  • sailor

    It is funny but wrong, Buddhists do not have any gods.

  • Brilliant! Love the Scientology route!

  • Peregrine

    I think it’s more accurate to say that Buddhism doesn’t require belief in any gods.

    And anyway, that’s not the only thing they get wrong. But I don’t think they weren’t shooting for accuracy.

  • Angie

    What about us agnostics out there? Under “How Many Gods Do You Want to Worship?”, they should have “Gods? Where? How should I know that!?”.


  • marshall cole

    I fuc**** love bacon but I’m Jewish to start. There is no way I’ll become a witness.

  • Bob

    Actually, it makes sense that agnosticism isn’t included, since it’s meant to show what “religion” one should follow.

    Awkwardly noteworthy though pleasantly honest then that it did include atheism…..

  • Great one! But how about Norse paganism? I mean, even if not practiced widely today, it still gave us things such as the name of the weekdays, yule, Christmas gifts and stuff.

    Several gods, rather powerful ones at that. Like traveling (viking style)?

  • JP

    Hmmm… I can’t see the flowchart. Just stated a new job and Saudi Arabia and it looks like they’re blocking it… All I get is a “this page is unavailable” and a link to the kingdom’s internet policy. I think living in a REAL religious theocracy is going to be an eye opening experience for me!

  • Angie

    JP — Saudi Arabia? It sounds like it already has been an eye-opening experience. I wish you the best of luck in that culture.

  • This is really good except for one thing—Generic Christian has been made mutually exclusive from Naturally Annoying Person. Surely this needs to be fixed somehow.
    I suggest that Gen Chris also be moved under ‘yes’, and under ‘no’ we have something like “you should worship the FSM”.

  • Ian

    Well, I ended up right where I was as a teenager. I like Muslims, I love praying with Muslims…but I believe too strongly in women’s rights and gay rights, and I don’t buy the whole idea that the Quran was revealed by God. Combine that with my believe that Gods are probably human inventions and my belief that “circumcision = genital mutilation”… Oh well – I’m happy enough as a liberal/progressive Christian.

  • Larry

    I love the logic. It’s not that ‘clear’ in the real world unfortunately. But whatever religion you choose each one should be able to explain logically why they believe what they believe. In other words, if you are blinded by your culture and you ‘automatically’ choose what you’re born into, then rethink the path you have taken in life.

  • ed-words

    Are you a Christian?


    Do you work out a lot?


    You should be a Holy Roller.

  • I am soooooooo blogrolling you!



  • Like a few have mentioned already, Buddhism doesn’t have any gods to worship.

    You can be an Atheist and a Buddhist at the same time.

  • BomberJacket

    And, as usual, the Taoists get left out. 😛

    We’d probably branch off early.

    “How many Gods do you want to worship?” “YES.”

  • Daniel

    Hummus is actually a National dish in Israel. We might have got it from the Arabs, but we treat it like our own.

    As for bagels – that’s more stereotypical of American Jews. One of the things I’ve been really really missing ever since I left the states and moved to Israel are the bagels.

  • “If I was stupid enough to follow a religion, I have to …”

    According to the definition, even atheism IS A RELIGION.
    So you still stupid.

    Big Bang is the most important event that explain the existance of God and the creation of the universe from a point (from nothing).

    It seems that you don’t even ask you questions ! before Big Bang, it was what ??

    I have chosen the religion that transformed in only 50 years brute and ignorant Arabs small tribes into the most large empire in history that governed between china and Spain for more than 700 years.
    Need more proofs ???

  • Tom Woolf

    It MUST be a 100% accurate chart. It nailed everybody I polled with it (sample size = 1).

    Just to cover the cat bases – I have both a white and black one. 😉

  • Rosie

    Another note on Buddhism (beside the lack of “Gods” to worship):

    the goal of buddhism is not to be reincarnated – the goal is to break the cycle of reincarnation

    category could be change to “belief in reincarnation”

  • What about Unitarian Universalism?

  • One-Off Poster

    This chart’s racist.

    Say what you like in it’s defense, it’s still damn racist.

    I’ll leave you lot to figure out what kind of people that makes you guys. Frankly, the responses say plenty to me.

  • God hates hummus!

    I think… I’m sure I saw that somewhere.

  • Funny, but author is wrong about about buddhist, in fact they haven’t a god, Buddha was a prophet.

    In the other hand. What about Flying Spaghetti Monster? And about She Pink Invisible Unicorn?

  • I was just about to say. I believe in 0 Gods, but I’m a Buddhist. Either I’m wrong or the chart is

  • I believe in i Gods.
    (i=imaginary) 🙂

  • Jill

    Notice all but one religious route ends “You Should be..” except one; “You Should Just be a Boring, Generic Christian Then”. Both interesting and validating as it appropriately underscores, albeit unwittingly, the uniqueness of Christianity.

  • Mike

    Silly Athiests… none isn’t an option. In the athiest case, the number of gods should be one and it should be you. 😉

  • Jill

    Came back to share a quick after thought: Only by way of Christianity is a person able to realize a two way relationship with a “living” God yet this percieved to be “boring”. Isn’t that weird?

  • Ironically he forgot Ironicisim, its only $35 dollars to going this religion and ironically no one ever joins.

  • Hilarious post! I want to shake the hand of the person who first made this 😀

  • Joyce Lightning

    It didn’t work for me at all. I am Unitarian Universalist. For me that means 1 God, no bacon (leftist vegetarian)

    It would be righteously difficult to chart the UUs. Number of Gods is not a determining factor. I guess the defining factor would be where we don’t care to tell you what to believe… Like I have 1 God but it’s okay with me no matter how many you have. I think that could be what sets us apart.


  • poor&sane

    yes the chart is racist and not complimentary and has lots of holes in the logic and really doesn’t help us all ‘live and let live’ but it doesn’t stop it being hilarious…

  • Optimist

    That was funny, but what about the 80% of the Muslims who happen to be non-Arabs and are not exposed to Hummus?

  • myotherbrotherdarrell

    This is a great tool. It proves the term ‘friendly athiest’ is an oxymoron.

  • Mike

    Umm Hinduism has one god just a ton of forms

  • Micah

    Funny post. I’m Mormon but I don’t think I’m annoying and I don’t believe in “magical” underwear. I do wear temple garments but they’re not magical. They are a reminder of promises I’ve made with God.

    The garments themself do not have any magical powers. That would be cool if they did though. Like invisibility or bullet proof.

  • Sure Buddhists have gods and tons of them!
    Hinduism isn’t even a single religion. There are lots of local cults under one name. And yes, there are miriads of gods and deities worshiped all around India.

  • I don’t think it’s meant to be taken quite so literally and seriously as some people have apparently taken it. As evidenced by the background image, it’s from HolyTaco.com – a CollegeHumor-esque website popular for making stereotype-poking fun like this.

  • What if you like both bacon and hummus?

  • I am still finding my religion… just counting the money…

    But even if it is a funny chart, I think that there is something wrong. The Maya People believe in reincarnation…

  • John

    As others have suggested, hummus should be replaced by

    1) Alcohol
    (Yes – Jewish, Meh – Muslim)
    2) Shellfish
    (Yes – Muslim, Meh – Jewish)
    3) Multiple Wives
    (Yes – Muslim, Are you crazy, the one I’ve got is bad enough! – Jewish)

    The Academy Award winning short, West Bank Story, was based on the Israeli and Palestinian mutual love for hummus.

  • Shira

    LOL are you kidding? Jews love hummus! The decider shoulda been wine. =)

  • Lynne

    Hey, I should be a Wiccan since I have a black cat!

  • Qin Zhi Lau

    This technically isn’t completely true since thought we Buddhists have a some gods, we don’t care about any of them at all and don’t pray to/worship them – as a non-theistic religion, it’s probably better on the right!

    Other than that, great chart. 🙂

  • gray

    Considering Hummus is almost the national food of Israel (yah, the only country the Jews have)…
    you have obviously missed “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan”.

  • marco

    The pig is a magically tasty animal. Fuckin’ love it.

  • Joel the wise ben Eliezer bar Yhuda TZvi

    The Native Americans had it right: We must live in harmony with our world, using what we need, putting back what we don’t need, and building up to replace what we’ve taken. In fact we should live in harmony with the natural world. We Jews call it Tikkun Olam (Repairing the World) and follow the Divine laws, legislating them to keep up with technology and learning.

  • MonkeyBone

    There is no god…no need for religion. It’s only a case of being aware that we are aware of being aware. A monkey ate some magic mushrooms millions years ago and developped some cerebral activities then they evolved and stupidized themselves in being humans!

    Before the big bang? It’s was the no bang at all! Smoke a little bit of salvia or dmt and you’ll know what i’m saying.. Common sense…

  • Jo

    “Wait what? Buddhists don’t have any gods, not even Buddha himself is considered one.”

    Correct about Siddartha, incorrect about not having Gods

    “This technically isn’t completely true since thought we Buddhists have a some gods, we don’t care about any of them at all and don’t pray to/worship them – as a non-theistic religion, it’s probably better on the right!

    Other than that, great chart”

    Wrong. Depending on your sect buddhist are either pan-theist, agonstic, or polytheist, and because you don’t have to follow the strict scriptures of buddhism in order to be buddhist you can be monotheist as well if you wanna be. Buddhism breaks the flow chart, probably because Siddartha was vague when it came to God and called it useless speculation.

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  • mattblumberg

    Why can’t I see the image?

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