The Atheist MemoMaid

Have you ever split a pie into more than one piece? Then you’re a divider! The bible says “Go forth and multiply!” Accept Jesus, or burn in hell for all eternity!

He’ll write an introduction to the dictionary, claiming that etymology is bunk science and that all of the word origins should correctly state “God.”

Why is there no option to buy it? I went to the website and there’s a bible verse one, but no atheist one. 🙁

Everyone Poops

Defecation is unclean and therefore not of the Spirit. Only those without Christ do perform this sinful act. As it is written nowhere in the Gospels that Jesus ever defecated and we have no oral accouts of such acts, we should strive to be Christlike and constrain any impure urges to release matter from the anus.

*crosses self*

Of course he’ll try to disprove Newton’s “A Treatise of the System of the World” — specifically, Newton’s Cannonball theory. Why? Because Comfort thinks that everything revolves around him!

PRINCIPIA MATHEMATICA by Alfred North Whitehead and Bertrand Russell – he can kill two birds with one stone – Mathematics and Atheism

Green Eggs and Ham. He will prove why it’s all wrong by using examples featuring green bananas.

Perhaps he can write an intro to All the Math You’ll Ever Need explaining that pi is actually 3.

I don’t think the Rand crowd would agree with this characterization of atheism….

Well, I was also going to say Hawking’s book, but Skeptigator already commented on that.

Therefore, Ray Comfort will next republish The World Atlas, with a special foreword saying that this book gives indisputable proof that the world is flat.
In the greatest tradition of creationists, he will claim that the true layout of the world is the Mercator projection, and that those who use the Azimuthal projection are heretical and worse than the round-Earthers.

Hi Hemant
Thanks for the plug.

I must correct you on one part. This version is not designed for a laptop. I do have a design for laptops in the works, but it is a little funding away from being complete.

It’s primary function is for desktop computers.

Ray’s next target? The Elements of Mathematics series by Bourbaki.

Because, heaven forbid we have a book of self-contained truths outside the bible.

Applied Cryptography by Bruce Schneier

1: God is mysterious.

2: God created us in his image.

3: I do not understand this book at all but someone once told me that Cryptology is used to hide information from other people.

QED 1: By using Cryptography to hide all scientific knowledge we are doing God’s work.

The Bible. His foreword will note that any sections regarding tolerance or thinking should be ignored as they were placed there by the devil, thereby disproving the theory that the Bible is full of contradictions.

Ray Comfort will be writing a 50 page introduction to Gray’s Anatomy where he will explain how male humans are all missing a rib as per the book of Genesis.

Dr. Seuss’ “There’s A Wocket In My Pocket”

The Yottle in the bottle has never existed, and no evidence for it ever being in the bottle has ever been found. And even though it states “some are friendly, some are not” this is a lie, all are unfriendly and thus the devil trying to steal your soul-da (seewhatididthere).

The Zug under the rug, is actually the presence of jesus christ,which is why Dr. Seuss, that damnable atheist, made that boy scared of it. Although, the boy SHOULD be scared of it anyway, because if that boy becomes a filthy QUEER, or, heaven forbid become an atheist himself, THE ALMIGHTY LORD will curse his soul into the PITS OF HELLLLLL!!!

And that WOCKET in the that boys POCKET! That’s the worse one yet! In fact, that WOCKET had relations with HITLER and was his Christian assassin!!! And the fact that his Nazi wocket is in this boys pocket is so this boy can lead the wocket to his families church! FILTHY NAZI QUEER WOCKET! TO HELLLLLLL WITH YOU!!!

~And that concludes…no offense of coarse, as this is how I would expect comfort to “debunk” a children’s book. >_>

In a move that will see him awarded the Nobel Door Prize, he will write an introduction to Mein Kampf that explains that the translator got it all wrong; Hitler was moving the Jews to protect them from the Atheists and Gays in America who manufactured the stories of the Holocaust in their attempts to discredit a brilliant, well-educated and caring soul (he was a painter and a vegetarian!). “Hitler wanted nothing but good for the Jews,” Comfort writes, “a people who had long suffered at the hands of Americans who were descended from the Egyptians who enslaved them shortly after the World was created.”

For anyone who isn’t sure, all of that is complete bullshit.

Rick Steves – Europe Through the Back Door

“I’ve never seen this alleged ‘Europe,’ have you? Recent studies indicate that a vast majority of Americans have never actually seen ‘Europe’ with their own eyes, and therefore, it doesn’t exist. And did you know that Adolph Hitler, Charles Darwin, and Niccolò Machiavelli were all from Europe? If Rick Steves really believes ‘Europe’ is so great, why won’t he just go through the front door? What is he hiding?”

Russell’s Principia Mathematica

Already been done by the meddling Kurt Godel when he figured out you can write mathematical proofs as numbers.

Ray Comfort’s next introduction will actually be an edit to the wikipedia page for the Large Hadron Collider rather than a book. While the collider will be colliding protons together, the Higgs bosons they expect to measure are actually the tears of the angels that will be crying due to man trying to “play God” by using Science to destroy His creations. God will retaliate by creating a miniature black hole that will destroy the LHC.

It has to be an astronomy book, because we all know the speed of light used to be faster in the past.

Newton’s “Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica”

After all, gravity is only a theory.

In his 50 page intro Comfort will remove all doubt that gravity is just another “false religion” forced on people by the scientific establishment.

By using such extraordinary examples such as hot-air balloons, airplanes and leaves on windy day, Comfort will lay to rest the infernal Newton worship that has dominated America’s culture.

In his conclusion to the preface, Comfort will convincingly demonstrate the true way of the Master… INTELLIGENT FALLING!

Bulfinch’s Mythology. Comfort will write a 50 page introduction brilliantly showing how ridiculous it is for people to believe in invisible deities who whimsically change the laws of physics with magic and intervene or interfere in the affairs of mankind. He’ll utterly destroy the notion that a book can assert its own veracity, and he’ll convincingly argue that it is completely insane to take as literal truth, ancient stories that have been translated dozens of times over thousands of years.

Then he’ll assert that everyone should read and believe the Bible.

After his Origin forward destroys evolution and cures atheism forever (as it no doubt will), what new worlds are there for Ray to conquer?
Well look out, for a Real True Christian’s work is never done! He will set forth to correct the misunderstandings and mistakes of his fellow believers. For some reason everyone (except Ray, of course) seems to be interpreting the Bible wrongly. But that’s about to change!
Coming soon: The Case For Christ by Lee Strobel(with corrections and commentary by Ray Comfort, illustrations by Kirk Cameron)

They’ll give the revised version of Aircraft’s Physics, on how Hitler used those laws to create airplanes to drop bombs on countrys he invaded, an how we should change those terrible books to show the trhuth that planes are in reality carried by angels.

While I wholeheartedly agree with every sentiment on that MemoMaid, I disagree strongly with the suggestion that it’s somehow a generic belief of atheists (rather than just fairly common among atheists).

If it said “/this/ atheist believes”, or just “I believe”, I think it would be great… but to imply all atheists believe *anything*, other than the absence of gods is to make atheism something it is not… and plays into the hands of theists that say that atheism is a “belief system” (‘and therefore a religion, and therefore dismissable withouth further thought’)

Hey wasn’t this product on the reality TV show The Sharks?

Hey wasn’t this product on the reality TV show The Sharks?

nope, I don’t believe it was. If it was I never put it on there. I own the patent.
Tried to get on the dragons den, but didn’t get in there either.

He shall be writing introductions to all scientific books ever made, and will also add an introduction which will be as follows: Warning, this book may invoke you to think freely and question the Bible. If you do not wish to burn in Hell for all eternity, I suggest you stop reading now (except for my introduction you can read that part).

He will then show how all scientists who ever existed are, in some way connected to Hitler, and are all racist. Thereby ridding the world of religions greatest enemies: Science and logic, and at the same time debunking all theories ever, and throwing the earth in to a second Dark Ages. Thanks a lot Ray, you dick!

He’ll write an introduction to an edition of the bible published in it’s original languages (Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek) claiming that it’s a false translation, that English is God’s language, and any version other than the King James written in anything other than American English is an abomination created by atheists.

How about How to Win Friends & Influence People. He’s done a good job here.

I thought an atheist believes there is no God. That writing sounds more like what the humanist believes.

The approximate sphericity of the Earth.

In Matthew 4:8, Jesus Christ gets to see “all the kingdoms of the world”, and one would have to be in outer space to come close to doing so.

As the eminent theologian Lactantius had noted, what could be as absurd as the notion of antipodes, where rain falls upward and plants grow downward?

Furthermore, in Rev. 6:13, we find that the stars will some day fall out of the sky, as if they are tiny lights and not huge fireballs at huge distances from the Earth.

Let us also not forget Joshua 10:12-13; Joshua told the Sun to stop moving, not the Earth.

So we ought to believe that the Earth is flat and stationary and that the sky is an inverted bowl overhead with the Sun, Moon, and stars moving in it.

For more, see Robert Schadewald’s Flat-Earth Bible: http://www.lhup.edu/~dsimanek/febible.htm

Twilight, Vampires dont actualy sparkle?!?!?!