The Atheist MemoMaid

***Update***: 10/25/09: Winners of this contest have been contacted via email.

…

Reader Richard recently started selling a product he calls The MemoMaid.

It’s a nifty little document holder which attaches to your ~~laptop or~~ desktop computer. (You’ll never again have to hold up a paper with one hand and type with the other.)

He has offered to give a few away and, to sweeten the deal, he created an awesome atheist version of the product just for readers of this site!

That reads:

AN ATHEIST BELIEVES

hospitals should be built
instead of churches,

that deeds must be done
instead of prayers said,

in involvement in life
not escape into death,

that diseases must be conquered,
poverty must be vanquished,
and war must be eliminated.

If you want one, all you have to do is provide an amusing answer to the following scenario:

We all know that Ray Comfort is giving away copies of The Origin of Species to college students… with his own 50-page introduction “debunking” the book.

What’s the next book Comfort will write an introduction to, and what already-airtight theory will he attempt to debunk in the process?

Funniest responses will win the product! (I’ll contact you if you use your actual email address in the comments.)

(Thanks to Richard for the items!)

"Same ole story ....Someone in Andromeda sins, and YHWH sends a plague to Earth. https://uploads.disquscdn.c..."

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UrbanWildCat

Russell’s Principia Mathematica

Pi is equal to exactly 3! It says so in the bible! Adjust your circles accordingly!
UrbanWildCat

Have you ever split a pie into more than one piece? Then you’re a divider! The bible says “Go forth and multiply!” Accept Jesus, or burn in hell for all eternity!
Potco

Everybody Poops. Because babies pooping is the devil’s work.
ZackFord

He’ll write an introduction to the dictionary, claiming that etymology is bunk science and that all of the word origins should correctly state “God.”
Shelley Mountjoy

Bananas: An American History could be introduced as “proof” of intelligent design.
Fledchen

Why is there no option to buy it? I went to the website and there’s a bible verse one, but no atheist one. 🙁
Tyler in SoCal

Instead of debunking something, I think Ray Comfort should go in a more positive route and affirm something we all can agree on.

That’s right, Ray Comfort should emphatically support the literal truth of The Flintstones. After every Flintstones episode it should cut to Ray Comfort:

“Hi, I’m Ray Comfort, and I approve of this cartoon as a literal translation of the bible. Praise god.”
Dustin

Everyone Poops

Defecation is unclean and therefore not of the Spirit. Only those without Christ do perform this sinful act. As it is written nowhere in the Gospels that Jesus ever defecated and we have no oral accouts of such acts, we should strive to be Christlike and constrain any impure urges to release matter from the anus.

*crosses self*
Skeptigator

Comfort will release a special edition of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time: From the Big Bang to Black Holes in 6,000 years
Becky

Of course he’ll try to disprove Newton’s “A Treatise of the System of the World” — specifically, Newton’s Cannonball theory. Why? Because Comfort thinks that everything revolves around him!
Jennifurret

He’ll add a special intro to The Joy of Sex, reminding people that it only applies to married heterosexual couples and that all the sections except for the missionary position should be ignored.
Jessica

PRINCIPIA MATHEMATICA by Alfred North Whitehead and Bertrand Russell – he can kill two birds with one stone – Mathematics and Atheism
littlejohn

I understand a fellow named Copernicus wrote an interesting little tome that the church didn’t like.
Tim

Green Eggs and Ham. He will prove why it’s all wrong by using examples featuring green bananas.
Reynvaan

“I Sold My Soul on eBay”

After all, atheists don’t have souls. And even if they did, nobody would buy them, depriving the LORD of fuel for the eternal fires of Hell.
MaleficVTwin

Perhaps he can write an intro to All the Math You’ll Ever Need explaining that pi is actually 3.
Joel

That’s a pretty bizarre characterization of atheism, which (as I understand it) takes no official position on how many hospitals we should build.

Can I get one that says instead

AN ATHEIST BELIEVES

there is no god.

?
dreamdevil

I don’t think the Rand crowd would agree with this characterization of atheism….
Revyloution

The Koran. Ray will go into detail describing the death bead conversion of Mohamed. How he accepted Christ into his heart, and felt bad for anyone he deceived into believing his lies. He will then go on to describe the conflict between Ali and Abu Bakr over how to cover up his conversion, leading to the formation of the Shia and the Sunni.

Im with Fledchen, I want to know why there are two items with bible verses on them, and the atheist version isn’t for sale. Is Richard just an opportunist, looking to make money off the culture war?
Parse

Well, I was also going to say Hawking’s book, but Skeptigator already commented on that.

Therefore, Ray Comfort will next republish The World Atlas, with a special foreword saying that this book gives indisputable proof that the world is flat.
In the greatest tradition of creationists, he will claim that the true layout of the world is the Mercator projection, and that those who use the Azimuthal projection are heretical and worse than the round-Earthers.
CJ :)

I think he will decide that pi can’t possibly be an irrational number and attempt to work out a way to make it an even 3, because the glory of whatever can only be reflected in something rational
Richard P

Hi Hemant
Thanks for the plug.

I must correct you on one part. This version is not designed for a laptop. I do have a design for laptops in the works, but it is a little funding away from being complete.

It’s primary function is for desktop computers.
Nonreligious Nerd

Thanks for that picture Hemant. You sparked my mind and gave me the idea for a post on how religion causes apathy.

http://nonreligiousnerd.blogspot.com/2009/10/atheist-beliefs.html

I say he will go after Hitchhikers Guide, saying that the Restaurant at the End of The Universe proves god, or something equally stupid.
Mark Webster

Ray’s next target? The Elements of Mathematics series by Bourbaki.

Because, heaven forbid we have a book of self-contained truths outside the bible.
Jeff

He will write an intoduction to the re-publication of All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum.

Ray Comfort will argue that it was actually in Sunday school that he learned everything he knows (which he has demonstrated over and over again).
Benjamin

Applied Cryptography by Bruce Schneier

1: God is mysterious.

2: God created us in his image.

3: I do not understand this book at all but someone once told me that Cryptology is used to hide information from other people.

QED 1: By using Cryptography to hide all scientific knowledge we are doing God’s work.
hoverFrog

Hobbes’ Leviathan. The social contract is clearly a myth perpetuated as an evil materialist, atheist conspiracy. Instead we will learn from Comfort’s introduction how we should all do what God commands without reference to our own consciences. Thinking for oneself is what got Adam and Eve expelled from Eden after all.
Aditya

The Bible. His foreword will note that any sections regarding tolerance or thinking should be ignored as they were placed there by the devil, thereby disproving the theory that the Bible is full of contradictions.
bill

comfort will debunk my psychology textbook on motivation. forward will state that any motivation to do good (convert non-christians, protesting against abortion and equal rights, etc) is motivated by god and any motivation to do evil (take children to the doctor, work towards equal rights for women and homosexuals, etc) is temptation from the devil. he’ll also add something about pavlov’s dogs praying for food every time a bell rings and being rewarded with food by god.
The Science Pundit

Ray Comfort will be writing a 50 page introduction to Gray’s Anatomy where he will explain how male humans are all missing a rib as per the book of Genesis.
Tinna G. Gígja

First Man: The Life of Neil A. Armstrong.

It is perfectly clear to any rational person that the moon, being made, by God, of green cheese for consumption by mankind, was not meant to be walked on. If God had meant us to walk on our food he would have created mouth-feet instead of teeth. Therefore Mr. Armstrong’s assertions that he walked on the moon is clearly a hideous atheist lie.
Alec

Dr. Seuss’ “There’s A Wocket In My Pocket”

The Yottle in the bottle has never existed, and no evidence for it ever being in the bottle has ever been found. And even though it states “some are friendly, some are not” this is a lie, all are unfriendly and thus the devil trying to steal your soul-da (seewhatididthere).

The Zug under the rug, is actually the presence of jesus christ,which is why Dr. Seuss, that damnable atheist, made that boy scared of it. Although, the boy SHOULD be scared of it anyway, because if that boy becomes a filthy QUEER, or, heaven forbid become an atheist himself, THE ALMIGHTY LORD will curse his soul into the PITS OF HELLLLLL!!!

And that WOCKET in the that boys POCKET! That’s the worse one yet! In fact, that WOCKET had relations with HITLER and was his Christian assassin!!! And the fact that his Nazi wocket is in this boys pocket is so this boy can lead the wocket to his families church! FILTHY NAZI QUEER WOCKET! TO HELLLLLLL WITH YOU!!!

~And that concludes…no offense of coarse, as this is how I would expect comfort to “debunk” a children’s book. >_>
Jimmy

Albert Einstein’s Theory of Relativity

He’ll attempt to use relativity to prove the earth is the center of the universe and everything else revolves around it.
Demetrius Of Pharos

In a move that will see him awarded the Nobel Door Prize, he will write an introduction to Mein Kampf that explains that the translator got it all wrong; Hitler was moving the Jews to protect them from the Atheists and Gays in America who manufactured the stories of the Holocaust in their attempts to discredit a brilliant, well-educated and caring soul (he was a painter and a vegetarian!). “Hitler wanted nothing but good for the Jews,” Comfort writes, “a people who had long suffered at the hands of Americans who were descended from the Egyptians who enslaved them shortly after the World was created.”

For anyone who isn’t sure, all of that is complete bullshit.
Teleprompter

First Hemant, did you ever declare the winners of the last contest? I have no faith that a winning entry will receive an award.

Comfort’s next act? He’ll write a new introduction to Mein Kampf to insert enough references to evolutionary theory so people will forget all the references that were made to the god of the Bible.

EDIT: Demetrius – nooooooooooo!
MacCrocodile

Rick Steves – Europe Through the Back Door

“I’ve never seen this alleged ‘Europe,’ have you? Recent studies indicate that a vast majority of Americans have never actually seen ‘Europe’ with their own eyes, and therefore, it doesn’t exist. And did you know that Adolph Hitler, Charles Darwin, and Niccolò Machiavelli were all from Europe? If Rick Steves really believes ‘Europe’ is so great, why won’t he just go through the front door? What is he hiding?”
justanotherjones

My First Math Book With 50 pop-up pages about why Jesus said 2 + 2 equals anything but 4.
bernerbits

Russell’s Principia Mathematica

Already been done by the meddling Kurt Godel when he figured out you can write mathematical proofs as numbers.
muggle

Whatever Newton wrote about gravity.

After all, it’s only a theory. And angels fly. Souls and Jesus ascend.

And then there’s that whole apple falling on his head thing. Eve ate one and Newton was attacked by one.

Clearly this “theory” is the Devil’s work.
Minneyar

Ray Comfort’s next introduction will actually be an edit to the wikipedia page for the Large Hadron Collider rather than a book. While the collider will be colliding protons together, the Higgs bosons they expect to measure are actually the tears of the angels that will be crying due to man trying to “play God” by using Science to destroy His creations. God will retaliate by creating a miniature black hole that will destroy the LHC.
Bruce Berberich

Ray Comfort should add a 50-page introduction to “Making a Baby: Everything You Need to Know to Get Pregnant.”

He could explain the well known “Stork Theory of baby making” and completely show how kids are made.
Godlessons

It has to be an astronomy book, because we all know the speed of light used to be faster in the past.
Staceyjw

Aditya-
Sorry to tell you, but your ideas has already been taken up by the fundies.

There is now a “Bible Project” to eliminate the “liberal leanings” of the bible. NO, I’M NOT KIDDING. The bible is not conservative enough for these nut jobs:

http://conservapedia.com/Conservative_Bible_Project

I saw a story about this elsewhere, and it was a real project, but can’t find a link.
Will keep looking.

INSANE BTW.

Staceyjw
Tully

Newton’s “Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica”

After all, gravity is only a theory.

In his 50 page intro Comfort will remove all doubt that gravity is just another “false religion” forced on people by the scientific establishment.

By using such extraordinary examples such as hot-air balloons, airplanes and leaves on windy day, Comfort will lay to rest the infernal Newton worship that has dominated America’s culture.

In his conclusion to the preface, Comfort will convincingly demonstrate the true way of the Master… INTELLIGENT FALLING!
Jerad

Dialogue concerning the two chief world systems by Galileo Galilei. It’s clearly impossible for the sun to revolve around the earth as the bible clearly states that the earth is flat and supported by 4 pillars. How are these pillars supposed to revolve around the sun? Heliocentrism is obviously false, even Galileo begged forgiveness from the pope for his “findings” see the translated introduction at conservapedia.com if you doubt that.
Richard Wade

Bulfinch’s Mythology. Comfort will write a 50 page introduction brilliantly showing how ridiculous it is for people to believe in invisible deities who whimsically change the laws of physics with magic and intervene or interfere in the affairs of mankind. He’ll utterly destroy the notion that a book can assert its own veracity, and he’ll convincingly argue that it is completely insane to take as literal truth, ancient stories that have been translated dozens of times over thousands of years.

Then he’ll assert that everyone should read and believe the Bible.
Luther

The Federalist Papers. Prefaced with the Ten Commandments
Renacier

After his Origin forward destroys evolution and cures atheism forever (as it no doubt will), what new worlds are there for Ray to conquer?
Well look out, for a Real True Christian’s work is never done! He will set forth to correct the misunderstandings and mistakes of his fellow believers. For some reason everyone (except Ray, of course) seems to be interpreting the Bible wrongly. But that’s about to change!
Coming soon: The Case For Christ by Lee Strobel(with corrections and commentary by Ray Comfort, illustrations by Kirk Cameron)
Mark Webster

Newton’s “Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica”

Berkeley already did that one. Sorry. =P
Greyfox

They’ll give the revised version of Aircraft’s Physics, on how Hitler used those laws to create airplanes to drop bombs on countrys he invaded, an how we should change those terrible books to show the trhuth that planes are in reality carried by angels.
Brandon

“Common Sense”-Thomas Paine. Comfort will state that there is should be no balance between government and society because we are all under God’s will.
efrique

While I wholeheartedly agree with every sentiment on that MemoMaid, I disagree strongly with the suggestion that it’s somehow a generic belief of atheists (rather than just fairly common among atheists).

If it said “/this/ atheist believes”, or just “I believe”, I think it would be great… but to imply all atheists believe *anything*, other than the absence of gods is to make atheism something it is not… and plays into the hands of theists that say that atheism is a “belief system” (‘and therefore a religion, and therefore dismissable withouth further thought’)
Demetrius Of Pharos

Its nice to know I’m not the only one who inadvertently invoked Godwins Law.
no2religion

Hey wasn’t this product on the reality TV show The Sharks?
Jonas

Ray Comfort will take on Newtonian physics, introducing the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote as evidence for ‘The Law of Recognized Gravity.’

Also proof that scientists do indeed stand around chanting — ‘Yes I believe that Gravity is real.’
Richard P

Hey wasn’t this product on the reality TV show The Sharks?

nope, I don’t believe it was. If it was I never put it on there. I own the patent.
Tried to get on the dragons den, but didn’t get in there either.
Richard P

Okay I don’t want to win one, cause I have one.

But, I think Ray will come at evolution from a new angle and include a fifty page introduction to:

A Flintstones World – the coloring book.

A fine synopsis of how ID and the cartoon are scientifically accurate.
Peter

He shall be writing introductions to all scientific books ever made, and will also add an introduction which will be as follows: Warning, this book may invoke you to think freely and question the Bible. If you do not wish to burn in Hell for all eternity, I suggest you stop reading now (except for my introduction you can read that part).

He will then show how all scientists who ever existed are, in some way connected to Hitler, and are all racist. Thereby ridding the world of religions greatest enemies: Science and logic, and at the same time debunking all theories ever, and throwing the earth in to a second Dark Ages. Thanks a lot Ray, you dick!
Hey You

He will give away copies of Dawkins’ The God Delusion; he won’t bother to write an introduction attempting to debunk anything in it, he will just give away a banana along with it, thinking that should be enough to prove his point beyond a shadow of a doubt…
Melissa D.

He’ll write an introduction to an edition of the bible published in it’s original languages (Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek) claiming that it’s a false translation, that English is God’s language, and any version other than the King James written in anything other than American English is an abomination created by atheists.
Slugsie

He should take on the Telephone Directory. The theory that needs debunking is that dialling the number listed will let you contact the person it’s listed against. After all, it doesn’t work all the time (i.e. when the person isn’t home), it’s discriminatory against those who can’t read, write or have a telephone, and it has these occasional anomalies called typos. All of that should be more than enough to discredit the Telephone Directory.
Dan T

How about How to Win Friends & Influence People. He’s done a good job here.
Seth Strong

Isn’t it technically a misstep to write what an atheist believes?
Modern Girl

I thought an atheist believes there is no God. That writing sounds more like what the humanist believes.
Mankoi

On the Special and General Theory of Relativity (A Popular Account) In which he will state that the breakdown of Newtonian physics on certain levels is a miracle of divine intervention and proof of God.
Loren Petrich

The approximate sphericity of the Earth.

In Matthew 4:8, Jesus Christ gets to see “all the kingdoms of the world”, and one would have to be in outer space to come close to doing so.

As the eminent theologian Lactantius had noted, what could be as absurd as the notion of antipodes, where rain falls upward and plants grow downward?

Furthermore, in Rev. 6:13, we find that the stars will some day fall out of the sky, as if they are tiny lights and not huge fireballs at huge distances from the Earth.

Let us also not forget Joshua 10:12-13; Joshua told the Sun to stop moving, not the Earth.

So we ought to believe that the Earth is flat and stationary and that the sky is an inverted bowl overhead with the Sun, Moon, and stars moving in it.

For more, see Robert Schadewald’s Flat-Earth Bible: http://www.lhup.edu/~dsimanek/febible.htm
Edward T. Babinski

The next book Comfort will write the forward to and give away free:

The Joy of Gay Sex
Jamie Brace

Twilight, Vampires dont actualy sparkle?!?!?!