The Great Atheist Cookie Recipe Search

I’d never heard of Resurrection Cookies… but Christians are supposed to make them with their children, explaining the Bible along the way:

1. Preheat oven to 300 F. Place pecans in zipper baggie and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested he was beaten by the Roman soldiers. Read John 19:1-3.

2. Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 tsp. vinegar into mixing bowl. Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross he was given vinegar to drink. Read John 19:28-30.

Andy Welfle of Freethought Fort Wayne is running a contest to find the Great Atheist Cookie Recipe:

The lessons can be tongue-in-cheek (example: bake at 350°. Explain this represent that atheists are the devil’s children), or serious demonstrations of issues important to atheists or freethinkers (example: Separate the egg yolks from the egg whites. Explain this represents the separation of church and state).

Surely, you can come up with something that’s yummy, hilarious, and/or educational 🙂

(via Freethought Fort Wayne)

"Guardian has the story (no paywall) https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/jan/16/washington-man-arrest-fake-inaugural-id-loaded-gun"

San_Ban

Michael Brown: Just Because Christians Rioted ..."

"...riot... You mean the insurrection?"

"America's fast-food employers break into a happy dance, too."

NSAlito

Christian Textbooks Are Already Rewriting the ..."

"So, even though they carried Christian symbols, declared their Christianity, and declared they're doing this ..."

Siamang

Hmm… I think making a kid make those Jesus cookies might make an atheist out of them!
William

Atheist cookies?

Step 1. Take the baby and put it in the bowl…

Well, you get the idea.
Colin

Make them “with their children”?

Mmmm… children cookies… my favorite flavor!
Ubi Dubium

…drop the batter by spoonfuls onto the cookie sheet. Pray sincerely for ten minutes that the cookies will miraculously become baked. Test whether this has worked…
Laura

Okay, so not inherently atheist, but still a hilarious spoof on the Resurrection cookies are Betty Bowers’ Brutal Death of Our Savior cookies:

Betty Bowers cookies
Calladus

I think you should use cooking science. Explain how eggs in the mix (if your recipe uses eggs) help hold the cookies together, talk about how their proteins unfold under heat, and gain energy and strength to bind the mix together.

Explain that salt is dissolving into the mix, not melting into it, and what the difference is.

Talk about where the energy used to heat the stove comes from, follow the link to the power company – where does it get its energy from? You should be able to follow the “energy trail” all the way back to the Sun.

You can also talk about the evolution of grains, chickens, cows (for butter) and other items. Let them know that it took the Earth over 4 billions years to prepare the ingredients.
JohnFrost

Perfectly said, Calladus.
Jude

Cookies??? Who needs cookies? What you need is a nice bowl of spaghetti, cooked al dente, with some yummy pesto sauce.

One pastalogical question has been weighing heavily on my mind of late: if you partake of pasta in memory of His Noodliness, does the substance actually become the transubstantiated body of the FSM, or is it merely symbolic?
Shannon

Laura, thank you tons for that site! ;-D
Moxiequz

Place pecans in zipper baggie and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested he was beaten by the Roman soldiers

Well that’ll make cookie-time so much fun.

Take that Jesus! *whack whack whack*

Yeesh.
Ubi Dubium

One pastalogical question has been weighing heavily on my mind of late: if you partake of pasta in memory of His Noodliness, does the substance actually become the transubstantiated body of the FSM, or is it merely symbolic?

It’s merely a symbol. But it’s not in His memory, since his His Noodliness is very much still around, and watching you if He feels like it. Eat pasta in His honor, especially in this season of Ramendan!
illfjord

Vinegar in the cookies?
Erp

You mean his noodliless isn’t immanent?
Ubi Dubium

You mean his noodliless isn’t immanent?

His Noodliness (pesto be upon Him) is probably not even smart enough to understand such a long word. That’s really the only explanation for the way the world is now.
Inebriated Orc

I have a few questions about the christian cookies. Do christians who believe in intelligent design buy the frozen pre-made cookie dough? Do they use the example that it was intelligently designed by its’ creator to make the “perfect” cookie as an explanation for god’s intelligent design? Are the instructions written on the container used as an analogy to the bible? Do religious schisms occur between toll-house and betty crocker brand followers? Is using generic brands over name brands a heresy? If the cookies burn is it interpreted as god’s divine plan?
Paul

I like Calladus’ idea, or failing that you could go with:

“These are cookies. They don’t represent anything, they have no special meaning, they’re just a tasty way to arrange flour, butter, sugar and chocolate chips. Would you like one?”
Erp

They usually have eggs (at least for chocolate chip cookies) and vanilla. If you have lots of time one could experiment with different ratios of the key ingredients, baking temperature, and baking time.
The Other Tom

The recipe for cookies is 1:2:3 – that’s 1 part sugar to two parts fat (butter/shortening/oil) to three parts flour. Add flavors to taste. If you want a fluffier cookie, add egg or baking soda. If you want a chewier cookie, use brown sugar. It’s pretty easy to “evolve” that into a full blown unique recipe by adding some flavorings and varying the details of the basic ingredients.

Oh, and Ubi Dubium… LOVE your suggestion. 😀
Luther

1. Beat the pecans by throwing stones at them – explain this is what Christians claim needs to be done to all sorts of people for all sorts of “reasons”, with special exceptions for those that say they believe certain fairy tales.

2. Show them the hot oven – explain this is where Christians believe people end up forever, unless they absolutely agree with the contradictory fairy tales of the particular Christian speaking.

3. Eat the fully baked cookies, explain that we created the cookies, just as others have concocted the half-baked stories of gods.

4. Ask them: Do you believe cookies are real? Do you believe gods are real? Which is more mixed up, cookie batter, or Christians?
Kaylya

For those wondering about the vinegar – they’re meringue cookies, and a bit of acid helps with whipping up the egg whites. Most recipes call for cream of tartar, but vinegar works too.

E.g. as explained here:
Su Good Sweets

“Last note about the ingredients: cream of tartar stabilizes the whites and helps them beat faster. If you’ve ever beaten whites but instead got a white curd floating on top of a watery mess, you’ve overbeaten the whites. Cream of tartar acts as insurance so that disaster doesn’t happen. However, a tiny jar costs about $5, and as Alton Brown says, it’s a one-hit wonder. I prefer kitchen multitaskers, so you can substitute it with twice the amount of distilled white vinegar or lemon juice. Some people complain about the off flavor of vinegar, but I can never detect it in the baked product.”
muggle

She’s a bit late:

http://ffrf.org/shop/books/details.php?cat=fbooks&ID=FB9

Don’t know if it contains a cookie recipe, though. Not much on cooking.
Theo Bromine

My approach to making cookies (or pretty much any other baking or cooking) is that the recipe is only a suggestion, and I usually add, subtract or otherwise modify as I see fit. So, I guess all my cookies are freethought cookies, at least.

And for the Humanist Association of Ottawa’s Solstice party last year, I made a Happy Human-shaped cookie cutter for my shortbread (but I must disagree with The Other Tom about the ratio – I prefer 1:2:4).