“Everything Happens for a Reason”

Yes, everything does happen for a reason. But those reasons are not in the future.

Your friend lost their job because of the economy, or their work performance. Not because a better job is waiting for them.

People who try to use “the future” as reasons for why things happen to them are refusing or forgetting to look at the actual reasons. It is a mechanism of denial.

The people who do this often have many compounding problems. I’ve often noticed that the people with a lot of problems are people who are very bad at solving a few easier problems early.

I roll my eyes, internally, and strike this person off my list of rational people that I can hold a conversation with. Small talk, yes. Rational conversation, no.

My eyes roll back in my head, i foam at the mouth, and my brain silently screams “SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU IGNORANT TWAT!” But what really comes out is absolutely nothing.

When my dad died of colon cancer (a horrible experience in my life) people wouldn’t stop saying this to me. It was fine at first, then i want to punch each and every one of them, very, very hard.

Now, absolutely NOTHING irks me more than “Everything happens for a reason”

Yes, everything does happen for a reason. But those reasons are not in the future.

Your friend lost their job because of the economy, or their work performance. Not because a better job is waiting for them.

exactly.

I say, “So it goes.”

Really, no one can say express a hopeful view of a chaotic and random world better than Vonnegut.

What do you do?

Depending on my relationship with the person, I might ask “What do you mean by ‘reason’?” Then I’ll find out if they mean what Siamang so lucidly differentiated, a reason from the past, a cause, or a reason from the future, a plan by some mind beyond themselves.

If it’s a cause, then I can brainstorm with the person about how to learn from the past and possibly avoid further causes of similar unhappy outcomes, and to come up with their plan to handle things better in their future.

If they mean a reason from the future, a plan that implies intention and intervention from a mind beyond theirs, then I’m not going to be able to help as easily, since we’re not having an entirely rational discussion. All I can do is to subtly focus on the actions and decisions they made in the past that they might handle better next time, but it won’t be as direct and frank. It’ll be more about planting seeds and hinting. If they come up with a plan of their own but still want to fantasize about the plan in the sky, I’m not going to get too argumentative. What the hell, they at least have a down-to-earth plan, whatever else they think.

I say, in a mild and pleasant fashion, “No, it doesn’t” and most often the other person doesn’t reply, and that ends it. They had their say, I had mine, and I don’t have to grit my teeth and feel my blood pressure rise.

The original scenario, where someone is discussing her own unhappiness, is the least annoying version. It’s much more irritating if whatever bad that happened didn’t happen to the person saying it, but to someone else. Then I use the longer version: “No, it doesn’t. Sometimes things just happen” in a colder tone and I add a look. It isn’t a particularly nice look. It invites the speaker to consider that minimizing other people’s misfortune on the grounds that it’s part of a cosmic plan is less comforting than they might think. Still pretty mild, suitable for most occasions, and again, no gritted teeth or skyrocketing blood pressure.

Of course, if someone says it when, say, they are dealing with a death in the family or similar serious upset, I will keep my mouth shut. It’s still wrong but at that point, my feelings of annoyance are not the most important thing on anyone’s agenda.

People like to say “everything happens for a reason.” If you repeat that in your head long enough it starts to sound like “anything can happen with a razor.”
–Laura Kightlinger

I would choose to misconstrue “everything happens for a reason” and focus on the actual real-world cause of the problem, such as “yes, you lost your job for a reason. The reason is that your boss used you as a scapegoat for his own deficiencies.” Or perhaps, “yes, you broke up with your boyfriend for a reason. The reason is that he was cheating on you.”

Basically, I’d politely ignore their religious nonsense and pretend they’re trying to be rational about it, in the hope that I can help them to be rational about it.

I tend to say something like “Well, you know I’m not a big believer (if they do), but you know what they say: God helps those who help themselves! So…..how can we help ourselves here?”

When someone says “everything happens for a reason”, I tend to have a couple of responses to that, depending on how I’m aquainted with the person and my current mood at the time. Sometimes I won’t respond to that comment, other times I’ll say “No, sometimes things just happen”.

I’m an atheist, but my daughter is one of those “new-age” people, which has always been okay with me. Whatever makes her happy.
Well, three years ago a man broke into her apartment at two in the morning, held her at gunpoint, threated to kill her as he raped, etc (the etc was the horrible part) her for three hours. She believed that he’d shoot her any minute, and hoped that he’d shoot her in the head, so she wouldn’t feel any pain as she died.
After three hours he left.
She took this experience and made something good of it. She moved hundreds of miles away, started life anew, has a GREAT job, many good friends, a boyfriend…and she totally believes that her horrible experience was meant to happen, because it totally turned her life around for the better.
If it had happend to me, I’d still be in the corner, in a fetal position…(there was DNA and the man is serving life in prison…he’d also done this to a child). So while fundamentalist Christians bug me, I’m okay with New Age beliefs….because they saved my girl’s sanity.

“Elsin Ann Perry Says:
She took this experience and made something good of it. She moved hundreds of miles away, started life anew, has a GREAT job, many good friends, a boyfriend…and she totally believes that her horrible experience was meant to happen, because it totally turned her life around for the better.”

See!!
This is what I am talking about.
She didn’t wallow in self pity, she took responsibility for what happened, did what was necessary to repair it and created a better life than she had before.

Who cares what tools she used, it’s the results that matter.

You can tell your daughter if ever your inclined “she’s my new hero!!”

yeah definitely one those things where i won’t slam or criticize somebody for saying it, but if we’re having an open discussion i have no problem tearing the notion that “everything happens for a reason” to shreds

Tell them to read “Caveman Logic” by Hank Davis. It’s great!

C’est la guerre. Most people don’t know what it means (France is less than 50 miles from my house and I know only two French speakers) so I can be both snarky and supportive at the same time. If someone says it’s their god’s plan I cannot help but roll my eyes a little. If I’m feeling particularly mean I might quip that their god must be fickle to inflict such hurt on one of their faithful.

I hope you don’t mind me dropping in here… I found this discussion fascinating because I’m a Christian and I also don’t agree when people say ‘everything happens for a reason’ or ‘it’s part of God’s plan’ because that belief doesn’t reflect what I understand from the bible about why crappy things happen. I’m not here to argue a Christian perspective or offer my theology, I just found it fascinating that this drives me (and a lot of other Christians I know) crazy as well… but for entirely different reasons!

After a somewhat intense discussion, I asked someone: “So you truly believe that everything happens for a reason?” Her reply: “Yes.”
Me: “So, say you really really want to get married, and suppose that you’re going on 40 still single and hopelessly desperate…is that part of God’s mysterious plan? It’s all purposeful and in his head?” Her reply: “Yes, of course!”

Things like that still boggle my mind. She is such a rational, intelligent woman, except when it comes to Christianity. She would be such a good athiest, minus the religion!

I like this quote: “Character – the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life – is the source from which self-respect springs.” – Joan Didion

Sometimes I respond to “god has a reason” quips by saying that people (or economy, plate teconic shifts, etc) are responsible for the horrible things they do and that the good in the world come from people (sometimes the same people) responding to those horrible things/events.

I’m not assigning those good works to god, but the other person is free to assume I am if they don’t say so aloud.

Thank you, Richard P. You’re very kind.

(While my daughter’s beliefs have worked well in her life, for which I’m grateful, I’ve always believed “When one door closes, another one falls on top of you…”)

I usually just roll with “everything happens for a reason” as if every effect has a cause. Then I explain to the person that there may not be benefit to trying to figure out the cause, but they should instead focus on what this event is going to cause so that they can be a part of (if not manage or entirely bring about) a new positive effect.

Everything does happen for a reason.

Making and executing plans is what some people do just to pass the time while waiting for God’s plan to happen.

Looking for and taking a job is what some people do just to pass the time while waiting for God to bring them a job.

Raising food and eating it is what some people do just to pass the time while waiting for the manna to fall.

Going to the dentist and getting a toothache cured is what some people do just to pass the time while waiting for God to cure the tooth.

etc.

I suppose that kind of thinking is okay, as long as they keep on just passing the time that way, instead of waiting idly for the plan, job, manna and cure to come.

I just ignore it, pretty much. Unless they are convinced that god’s going to show up with a job in one arm and a great boyfriend/girlfriend in the other arm for them if they go to church every single day. Then I tell them that they have to work to get good results in life, and VERY gently push them in the right direction.

I try not to be angry at sayings when my friends are getting out of a huge deal, but I do get a bit visibly miffed at the whole “God does not give you more than you can handle” saying, because it makes me think of suicidal people who feel even more guilty because of that statement. Again, I don’t confront them.

I’m overly sensitive to other’s emotions (not, like, superstitious empathy- I can read body language and facial/eye expression very well naturally), so that’s probably why I’m not as confrontational towards people when they say that sort of thing when they’re getting over a ordeal or two.

Don’t say “everything happens for a reason” or “it’s all part of god’s plan” at the funeral for a stillborn, especially to the mother.

A college friend of my wife’s had a stillborn. At the funeral, one of her in-laws said it was part of god’s plan. The mother, never known for violence, PUNCHED the in-law so hard she lost 3 teeth. The in-law filed charges, but the DA refused to prosecute. The argument over paying for the dental work and the loss of the baby destroyed the marriage.

Folks, random events occur. Shit happens. Deal with it accordingly. Don’t assign cause or blame to imaginary beings.

hoverfrog: “Its the War” 🙂

Matt, we provide our own meaning. Meaning doesn’t come from imaginary friends.

True story. I was once in a Christian small group bible study where one of the participants died of lung cancer. There was plenty of “everything happens for a reason” and “Its all part of God’s plan” going around. I remained silent in any criticism of these mutterings because I knew this was the way these people dealt with death… they knew no other way to deal with it. It would have been very rude and inappropriate to confront them at the time. Interestingly, they would also say that some of their family members (who also believed ion God) currently hated God for having this particular plan and taking the deceased in this particular way. Its like they were projecting all their grief and anger onto another external being and hoping for some kind-of deferred justice in an afterlife. Interesting psychology. I prefer to deal with things when they happen.

Things do happen for a reason I believe because it changes you. Can you imagine how spoiled we all be if we all got what we wanted? how ungrateful and wasteful we all be? The great people of the Bible have always been great due to their character. Things either make you hard or change you for the better. Who would you trust? Jesus or Pilate? I believe God tries to change us through whatver circumstances. We just have to trust him. The thing we don’t want to see is that it promises us persecution and trials which eventually make us stronger individuals. If we never knew our own tears, we would never know about the tears of another. The problem I see with the optimism wave is that it concentrates so much on getting instead of being a better person. You can be the best at whatever but be the most arrogant personality. We all can’t take whatever possessions with us. I’m not saying theres anythign wrong with getting but I feel as if there is too much concentration on it.

I’m so relieved to know I’m not alone in my contempt for this phrase. My daughter died of excruciating bone cancer a few months ago, and I was told it “happened for a reason”. If the comment hadn’t been over the internet, I likely would have hit the speaker, similar to the mother of the stillborn infant.

Just tonight I saw a person tell someone (who also has a family member dying of bone cancer) that “everything happens for a reason”. My stomach shook with anger for almost an hour. The phrase is so unbelievably vile and hurtful to me, I don’t even know how to handle it. It’s cavalier, flippant, diminishing, and insensitive.

Indeed, everything happens for a reason, but that reason is not in the future, future events cannot change their past, meaning they cannot have an impact in what already happened, thus the present, what is really happening… What just happened, happened for a reason, something in the past caused it, or maybe in the actual present, but nothing that will be coming may have caused it, it is logically and chronologically impossible!!!