God Is Not Your Bitch, Mark Sanford July 24, 2009

God Is Not Your Bitch, Mark Sanford

If newspapers are in danger of going out of business, this is certainly one way to draw in the eyes of readers.

Mark Morford of the San Francisco Chronicle wrote an article poking fun at Governor Mark Sanford‘s recent comments about how “God will make him better.”

It’s called “God is not your bitch.”

After all, if much of organized religion and nearly every conservative/fundamentalist adherent thereof are to be believed — and they most definitely are not — God is essentially the most obsessed, niggling micromanager of all time. He is all about being hugely, nay downright obscenely interested in the trivial minutiae of modern life, from the food eaten on a particular day to the touchdown made during the Big Game to the brand of TV you watch it on, right on over to what book you’re reading and where you live and if you have the right guns and foreign policy and facial hair, and of course whether or not you judge gay people and demean women and nonbelievers in just the right way.

Because only then, when all preposterous criteria are met, might God absolve you, or lead you toward happiness, or grant success to your new laundromat, or forgive you your trespasses and your recreational drug use and your pornographic thoughts about your massage therapist, or even how many soft, cooing sounds you made over the body of a sexy Argenitine [sic] female. Isn’t that right, Gov. Sanford?

And when was the last time you saw something like that in your hometown paper?

More, please.

(Thanks to Alan for the link!)

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  • Robert Thille

    Mark is great. I discovered him via friends on FaceBook, and love seeing his updates there.

  • I second that- I love Mark’s columns almost as much as Dan Savage’s. : )

  • “God is essentially the most obsessed, niggling micromanager of all time. He is all about being hugely, nay downright obscenely interested in the trivial minutiae of modern life”

    I think this is a huge misunderstanding of God. I believe that God is both All-Knowing and Perfectly Just. His comprehension of all human action isn’t about micromanaging, it’s about rewarding people for the good they do and punishing them for the bad.

  • Alan in CA


    For a higher being to say that shellfish and shrimp is an abomination just because it says so should be the first hint. It only goes downhill from there. I know I’m using the cliche example, but that’s what is written, supposedly, by this higher power who is telling us what is “right and wrong.” try and convince everyone in the world that shrimp is evil and see where that gets ya. It really is all about nitpicking, both god and people.

  • That line from that Mitchel and Webb look video from last week applies to more than just a mock bible skit.

  • Great to see idiocy of religion being addressed in the media. 300 years ago, he’d be roasted over an open fire for those remarks, but now the church is losing people to thinking and logic. People are getting mighty tired of this religious bullshit. Still too many believe without questioning, which is sad.