God Is Not Your Bitch, Mark Sanford

If newspapers are in danger of going out of business, this is certainly one way to draw in the eyes of readers.

Mark Morford of the San Francisco Chronicle wrote an article poking fun at Governor Mark Sanford‘s recent comments about how “God will make him better.”

It’s called “God is not your bitch.”

After all, if much of organized religion and nearly every conservative/fundamentalist adherent thereof are to be believed — and they most definitely are not — God is essentially the most obsessed, niggling micromanager of all time. He is all about being hugely, nay downright obscenely interested in the trivial minutiae of modern life, from the food eaten on a particular day to the touchdown made during the Big Game to the brand of TV you watch it on, right on over to what book you’re reading and where you live and if you have the right guns and foreign policy and facial hair, and of course whether or not you judge gay people and demean women and nonbelievers in just the right way.

Because only then, when all preposterous criteria are met, might God absolve you, or lead you toward happiness, or grant success to your new laundromat, or forgive you your trespasses and your recreational drug use and your pornographic thoughts about your massage therapist, or even how many soft, cooing sounds you made over the body of a sexy Argenitine [sic] female. Isn’t that right, Gov. Sanford?

And when was the last time you saw something like that in your hometown paper?

More, please.

(Thanks to Alan for the link!)